sick but happy

Today is the first day I have been really sick. Its just normal stuff, I was bound to get a bad stomachache eventually but its still a little rough. I contemplated just staying in bed, clearly the responsible choice but laying on an air mattress alone on a dreary day like today just wouldnt have been good. Then I would have nothing to think about except being sick. So I went to Rue Patriot, one of the ministries sites to help with the clinic, and I was probably more moved today than I have been any other day. I grew such a love for jesus as a HEALER and the healing that he did while he was here. Being sick myself created this deep connection to all the Haitians who came in need of a doctor and I saw the huge difference between just going through the motions checking temp, giving out medicine, moving people through the lines and identifying with them, smiling at them, touching them. That all of jesus's healings were deep encounters. He called people "daughter." he touched them. He looked them in the eyes. He was not just concerned with their physical ailments. We can do the same. And then I never want to leave. I just look at them and I love them. Its nothing less than I love. I want to live with them. I dont care if it means that I get sick, because I just want to do life together. It would be such a privlidge. There was a boy who kept hovering real close by...he looked about 13 or so and one of his eyes was all swolen but eventually I got to go over by him and ask him his name. In a barely audible voice he said

David.

The name of my brother. And as I think back on it I think of when Jesus said these are my brothers and my mothers. When I truly see them the way I see my mom and dad and little brothers and sisters is when I will be like Jesus. When their pain becomes my pain and their joy my joy. Another beautiful moment was when we first got there and I saw two of the kids I had spent the last two weeks with but hadnt seen yet this week. It was like a family reunion. I dont know which of us was more excited. Being in the medical setting was so good because its your job to be close to people and ask them how they are doing. But its so hard because you leave. And you dont see everyone who comes. And there is a lot of people you cant help. Ive noticed that most people just detach and pick the number of people they see and are able to tell them what they have and talk about it offhand. But there is nothing offhand about thinking someone has AIDS. or cancer. or is pregnant. But for us, when were in Haiti its easy to treat it that way. To keep yourself from being too affected. And at some point you have to. Because the sadness will crush you and you will never be able to stop because there are always more people with more needs. But through christ and our dependence on him we can bear their yokes, not remain above them because His yoke is easy and his burden is light.we can stuggle together, and we are called to. WE cant just come and be productive but not feel with haitians. This is partnership in every sense. We are just as privlidged to partner with them as they are with us. And though our work is small our God is big. And through him alone does it stop being Americans coming to do what they cannot and turning right around and heading out but community, where all are blessed and moved by the encounter. And though we cannot love them out of their current struggles we can shine like stars in Haiti as christ is our light. And they are already shining like stars. The bright eyes, the toothy grins, faces breaking out into huge smiles, parents fiercly loving their kids. Its here. They are light.
Yesterday and today made a really beautiful combination because yesterday was just a wonderful day-we went to the grocery store and had good food and saw the gorgeous mountains, we laughed and had fellowship, we sweated and accomplished big tasks working together. It was just enjoying being alive. Today was moving. Today I loved people hard enough that it hurt. And I was struck by the sadness and the struggles of Haiti. And today I was blessed to be able to suffer just a little bit with them. My suffering is nothing compared to theirs but I loved sharing it with them. I was not ready to leave for the compound. Sort of my typical state of being. Everyone waiting in the taptap while I linger and wonder why in the world we have to go so soon. Even as I write I feel better physically. It is almost as if I was sick just in order to have such a poignant morning. One I will not forget. With people I will not forget.

I read in a book of prayers by haitian one in particular I keep thinking about....

God,

They say we are poor.

Thank you father.

May we also be poor in spirit that we inheret the kingdom of heaven.

I thought I understood Gods heart for the poor, the oppressed the sojourner. But until I discover it beating in myself moving me to love and passion I do not have on my own, I dont know it at all. When I recognize it within me is when I began to grasp one little sliver of his heart, his fierce tender love for people. And that that love is not just for the Haitians but myself as well. I cannot lavish it upon and act as if it is something I will never really earn. Its lavished on me too. And only in taking ownership of that do I begin to be able to love any other person.