Balaam and Bonhoeffer

There is a man tucked into the book of Numbers named Balaam. He is told to curse Israel. He talks to God about it, and God tells him. “You shall not go with them. You shall not curse the people for they are blessed.” He tells the men, The lord has refused to let me go. Balak, the king trying to hire Balaam sends him this message a second time, “Let nothing hinder you from coming to me, I will do you great honor, and whatever you say to me I will do. Come curse this people for me.” It his answer that I can’t get over.

“Though Balak were to give me his house full of silver and gold, I could not go beyond the command of the Lord my God to do less or more.”

Less or more.

Not just less.

How often, God, do I want to do more than you have commanded me? How often do I want to do less? How rare that I tell people that I cannot go beyond the command of the Lord my God.

“Only do what I tell you.” You told Balaam.

Do you say the same to me lord? Can I even hear what you say to me? I’m not listening God. Please, God, you have to teach me how to listen to you. You met Balaam. And I trust that when I am willing and open you meet me as well. I trust that you have met with me and will continue to meet me.

And now the words of one much wiser than I:

Only he who lives by the forgiveness of his sin in Jesus Christ will rightly think little of himself. Because the Christian can no longer fancy that he is wise he will also have no high opinion of his own schemes and plans. He will know that it is good for his own will to be broken in the encounter with his neighbor. He will be ready to consider his neighbors will more important and urgent than his own.

-Life Together by Bonhoeffer

beautiful quote

Batter my heart, three-person’d God; for You

As yet but knock; breathe, shine, and seek to mend;

That I may rise, and stand, o’erthrow me, and bend

Your force, to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurp’d town, to another due,

Labour to admit You, but O, to no end.

Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captived, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,

But am betroth’d unto Your enemy;

Divorce me, untie, or break that knot again,

Take me to You, imprison me, for I,

Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me

I am the Lord who makes you holy and who brought you out of Egypt to be your God (Leviticus 22:31)

Oh, how much joy I glean from being in your word my God and my king. My soul is at peace when it rests in you and the word you have given us. I had no idea that Leviticus would be rich, and that I would enjoy it just for what it is, but I do God. We are able to read what you said to the Israelites that explained to them how to be your people in the world, and it holds true today, the means of being your own people, the ways we are to interact with our culture and deny it when you cal us to and the way that we are to love the aliens and sojourners because we were aliens until we became your citizens.

Consecrate yourselves and be holy because I am the lord your God. Keep my decrees and follow them. I am the Lord, who makes you holy. You never call us to be anything that you yourself do not intend to make us. This is the work of the gospel in our little lives, making us holy because you are holy.

I am the lord, you say over and over again. The laws and the warnings and the punishment for disobedience are peppered with a few things that you say to explain to us why you have made things the way they are

I am the Lord your God.

I make you holy.

I brought you out of Egypt to be your God.

Be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy.

I have set you apart to be my own.

Leviticus may at first seem like it is just lists of laws, but these simple, deep statements are made over and over again throughout the laws, causing me to ask God to show me what he means by these words, why he chose them, and how I can be what he wants me to be: holy like he is holy. It is clear that something unbelievable is intended through the laws. The laws are not warning from punishment, they are means by which we are invited to be something that we as humans could never on our own: like God. C.S. Lewis, in the Problem of Pain talks about the fact that our complaint is not that God loves us to little but that he loves us too much. If he did not care very much about us, he would let us stay as we are, broken and sinful, moving farther and farther away from him. But he loves us the way an artist loves his masterpiece, he will continue to work on it, unrelenting, unsatisfied with anything less than his own glory. We can say that we wish he would leave us alone, but it would be less love that we would desire, not more.

I have set you apart to be my own, he says, and I will do all that is necessary to make you holy, just as I brought you out of Egypt. I am the lord your God. We are left with no room to wonder who will be the sanctifier.  Our main job is to obey. To yield to the work that he is doing to make us like Him.

In first John it is written that we are Gods children now and what we will be has not yet appeared but we know that when he appears we shall be like him because we shall see him as he is.

How unbelievably consistent this is with the message of Leviticus where God’s choosing of us to be his children has already been done, the covenant made, the promise sealed. Our actions cannot taint or change our son and daughter statuses. Once the adoption has gone through we are his. And yet, the work is not complete because one day we will be exactly like him when we see him as he is. The way that God dwelled with the Israelites was painful, every day they were reminded of the loss through their idolatry and the fact that God could only dwell in the temple. Through Christ, we are the temple. The Spirit dwells in us. And yet we are still looking forward to the day when we will be purified as he is pure and that we will be one with him. 

learning to love the law

I am learning to love the Law. Christ came not to abolish the law but to fulfill it. To complete it. He promised that not a dot or iota will pass from it until all is accomplished (Matthew 5:17-18) By knowing the law, we are able to know Christ because we see all that he fulfilled. So as we look at the painstakingly detailed descriptions of sacrafices needed for sin, we may be awed at all that the lord fulfilled by us. He is both the lamb and the high priest that atones for sin. So we are invited to joyfully study the book of Leviticus to know our Savior more. It points to him as much as any book in the bible, because there is no part of it that he did not accomplish on the cross. I cannot bear my own iniquity Leviticus requires me to bear. Leviticus 5:7 explains the necessity for those who cannot afford a lamb. I am among those who cannot afford a lamb. I am among those who cannot afford two turtledoves. The Lord is gracious. He provides for us when we cannot afford the sacrafice. He said, if they cannot afford two turtledoves, they can bring a tenth of an ephah of fine flour. But lord, what if I cannot afford that? What if I have nothing at all to bring as an offering, to make atonement for my own sin? This is the palce we find ourselves in. He says, I will bring something better than grain, better than a lamb. They were a temporary atonement, but God allowed for a single Lamb once and for all, that would cover all sin for all people. Not a lamb, but his very son. Who became our lamb. 

I cannot let me life be consumed by tomorrow's concerns and neglect the present moment and what it asks of me. Why do I hold so tightly to something that I know cannot come to be until tomorrow, as if by thinking about it I could wish it into resolution today? Lord, care for me. I need you today.

Caussade suggests we "forget ourselves completely so that he becomes our whole joy and his pleasure and glory, his being, our only good. To think of ourselves as objects, sold and delivered for God to do with what he likes."

Lord, continue to teach me how to DELIGHT in you. For the JOY set before me, jesus endured the cross, despising its shame. Continue to teach me that you are glorified as I enjoy you, enjoy being your daughter and your bride, enjoy the promise that has been sealed that I will dwell with you forever. In my deep, overflowing joy, the people I know will see how beautiful you are, how much joy you bring into our lives. You love us more than anyone else and you are committed to our joy, knowing that our hearts can only find rest when they rest in you.

An excerpt from Screwtape Letters:

"You may wonder why the God does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But merely to override a human will (as His presence in any but the faintest degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His idea is for the creatures to be one with Him but yet themselves; merely to cancel them or assimilate them will not serve. Our cause (devil speaking) is never in more danger than when a human, no longer desiring but still intending, to do Gods will looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken and still obeys."

CS Lewis

open arms

I lean not on my own understanding,

My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven.

Tonight, as these words were reverberated in the souls of college students as we sang to our Lord,  the image of the toddlers in the For His Glory orphanage came to my mind.

The four hours I spent with these beautiful little beings and the way that they would approach me over and over again.

With arms wide open, ready to be held.

A gesture that needs no language, no cultural understanding. I know exactly what they want.

To be wrapped up in strong arms for a long, long time. To know that they are safe and that they are loved. They were made to be held.

So am I.

Made to be held by the hands of the maker of heaven.

I give it all to you, Lord

Trusting that you’ll make something beautiful out of me.

And as I stood in that dimly lit sanctuary tonight, and remembered the little ones who had a faith and an awareness of their needs, their vulnerability, I took after the wise little orphans, made just for their Fathers hands, and lifted my arms as well, as a way to say…

Will you pick me Lord? Will you hold me Father? My life is in your hands. Making me more like your Haitian children, that I may seek You alone, and rest in your arms. That I may glorify you by enjoying the love you lavish upon me, and seeking more of the love you are so eager to give me. To know that you are making something beautiful out of me, and out of every person who opens their arms to you. 

letter to Haiti

Sweet Haiti,

Thank you for 10 beautiful days, I will miss you immensely. You are even more beautiful than I remember. I love your people so much. They teach me so much about being a follower of our lord Jesus Christ. I am forever indebted to them. Tonight, as I sit on the flight preparing to go to Norfolk, I am humbled by how many beautiful people I was able to see. Jeff, my 12 year old little brother in Cappva, I will not forget the way you wrote every word and picture we put on the chalkboard in your little notebook, the way that you spoke of mishack, shadrack and abendego, your wise faith that reminded me of Christ’s own words that we must have the eyes of a child if we are to enter into His kingdom. I hope you know that I am thinking of you that I am proud of you, that I am praying for you, that God keeps you wrapped under his wings until we are brought together again. Niaka, it was my deepest joy to see you again, little one. I learn much of Gods love by the depth of my attachment to you. You are altogether beautiful, little darling, there is no flaw in you. If only I could make you smile, if only I could keep you by me forever. All the children at For His Glory Orphanage, your daddy has promised that he will not leave you as orphans, he is preparing a place for you, I wish I could say the same after the few sweet hours I was able to spend with you this week. I was blessed beyond compare by your little hands and smiles, by your affection, by your spirits and personalities. Each wonderfully made. I am praying for families for each of you. Wendaline and Woodlin, I love seeing you girls grow. Your care for your little sisters is beautiful. I am thankful for time with you. Max and John Goode, you are excelling in the work you are doing for the lord’s kingdom. You represent Haiti so well. I have much, much, to learn from you both. Of our patience, your work ethic, your English, your flexibility. You are amazing Godly men and I miss you already. There are many people I think of now that I do not even know the names but I somehow I know in a deeper way. The man I was able to shovel with for a couple of hours the other morning. A gorgeous girl at Cappva who did my hair and was so so eager to learn, who said a beautiful prayer and was faithful to God and believed in his ability to raise them up out of their current trouble. The brilliant light of Christ shines in Cappva, a place of utter darkness, where families live in makeshift tents, where food and water are far, where work is nonexistent, where hope is slim. James and Clemson, continue in your faithfulness to that tent city. God has raised you up to such a worthwhile mission in developing and discipling that community. Most of all though, I am thankful to you Jesus, because you made it possible for me to go to Haiti, you love Haiti a million times more than I do, you are redeeming it as you are redeeming all things to yourself. 

the heart of God

Yesterday we took a trip up to the mountains to Baptist Haiti Mission which is a huge operation that has its administrative headquarters in one of the most beautiful parts of Haiti, toured their site and learned about all that they do and got to spend time with team of women from Jasper, Indiana and 6 girls in the orphanage their church sponsors. It was a hard day, because we had to spend so much time driving just to tour a place but we learned a lot. Today we were able to be back at Repatriate and paint the school, this time kids were there because it is their first day back from break. 

Its interesting how work is so much more restful than going on day trips. How I feel so much more at peace as I sit here clean after a full, rich day and even the painting itself is restful. I love to see the work that I am doing so tangibly. I love the simplicity of it, as we watch the building transform from a giant slab of concrete to a beautiful, joyful shade of yellow and know that it matters because there are 30 or so beautiful little kids there who so deserve a beautiful school. And part of that is good because we were all made to work. When we don’t work, were not in a healthy place. But its also disconcerting how selfish I am about wanting my work, my satisfaction, my feeling of significance more than I want to allow others to work and care more about feeling used than whether the work that I am doing is actually the best thing for the people I am serving, whether I am truly serving them or just serving my selfish heart. 

And I can ask those questions knowing that I will see a lot in myself that is disconcerting, a lot that is self centered in my “serving” and how much and how often my ways may look like the ways of the Pharisees that Christ was so adamantly against. And I have to ask why I am clinging to working while in Haiti when I know that I came here for relationships not for work. And why I am not as happy with God if he does not provide me with the work I desire. And whether I would sacrifice my own opportunities to work to allow others who have far less work than I do or who the lord may want to use to have the opportunities God wants for them. 

And I am unbelievably thankful that my life is not my own, because I know that I will use it to advance myself even in the most humanitarian of my efforts. I am not the first to wonder why poverty is so rampart and suffering so widespread when there are so many charities, so many people eager to help and to change the world, so many nonprofits. I don’’t know anywhere that exemplifies it better than Haiti. So much money, so many hands coming to help, so many organizations all dedicated to this country and the poverty is so widespread. The more we help the worse it gets, according to many. How can that be? And then I see my own heart, and it is clear. I want to be the one who helps Haiti more than I want Haiti to no longer need my help. I want quick, satisfying ways of helping and serving. 

Pastor Leon came to me last night and told me to pray for God to raise up a couple or a woman who would come and be a housemother to 6 girls in the orphanage connected with the ministry. And it is such a beautiful thing, but its hard. Because if you are coming to be a mother, this isn’t a summer experience, this isn’t the Peace Corps where your commitment can be up in 2 years or less, you’re coming to a group of girls without parents-you’re coming to stay. To say, “I’m here to be a part of your life for as long as I live.” I’m going to leave the U.S., leave my family, leave my comforts, the place I love living and come and live where its hot and buggy and where I don’t know anyone and stay until you are ready to leave. And its not saying, I’m going to pull you out of your country and take you to mine, its saying, I am going to come into your neighborhood, into your culture, into your people, because I want to see you be a leader here, I want to raise you up to be a disciple, and to love on girls yourself and to be the change. It would change the country if people came long term and came to live in the midst of the poverty, not in the beautiful secluded parts of the country. But how many people want to give that much? Very few. We can convince few, myself included, to give the 1200 dollars they are spending to come here for a week to child sponsorships and pastors salaries, to teachers or supplies or long term missionaries. Because we want what we want, and because we want something that has to do with Haiti, it is immediately virtuous, even if it is more harmful than helpful. 

And I cant help but remember a baby born a little over 2 thousand years ago who came to serve, not to be served, who had to let go of his family, who gave his life as a ransom for many. A God who was the ultimate example of downward mobility. Who gave up oneness with the father, perfection we cannot imagine, and put on flesh to become human. And I think of how hard it is to choose to live long term in another country and realize that I will never grasp the weight of that move down. That the richest person in the U.S. moving into a tent city on the outskirts of one of the most dangerous slums in Haiti to be with the people and know them and make them his own would not compare to the step down taken by Christ when he came to earth. And that the pain my parents would feel if I chose to stay here forever would not compare to the heart breaking God went through in giving his one and only Son. And I am overwhelmed by the love of God for us. And realize that it is only that love that I can point to as I go through life, not to the goodness I can do with my life or the help I can offer people. What I, in myself, can offer is nothing to the offer that God has already made. It is better, he is better. And as I am trained to be a leader, trained to serve, equipped to “make a difference” through the huge blessings of my school, I can’t help but realize that the more I serve, the more I dig into inner city America and Haiti the more I will learn that God alone is worth following, worth living, worth offering to all people. 

remembering how much I love being here

I am learning much about the life that we are invited into as we spend a week in Haiti. We are not invited to push our agenda here. We are not here to do “much.” They do not need us. I am not needed in Haiti. Yet, the lord has allowed me to be here to experience fellowship and communion with him through these particular people of his and this very place. No other reason but this. I am learning that the lord is forcing me to rest here. To sit with him. To talk to him, to read his word. Things that should not demand forcing because they are things I love. But things that do because I have chosen to do and do and do until I forgot how to rest and could not bring myself to do it. And as I cry out and I say, how can our time not be more full, I know that he knows what I need so much better than I do. I remember my intention. To strengthen bonds by seeing people again. And I have gotten to experience that in beautiful, holy ways and I am so thankful for that. SO thankful for those moments almost daily when love is evident in seeing my friends again. And remembering that I came here to see my friends and my family in Christ, not to accomplish much, not to be productive, not to be busy. Simply to enjoy life with them for a little bit of time before school. And they have been very gracious in including us in much that they are doing, and that is worth being thankful for as well. We have been able to share in Cappva, in children’s ministry, in youth ministry. Tomorrow we will share in the work by painting a school. Such a wonderful thing. One of my favorite sides of ministry…the purely physical side of building and painting and getting dirty and hot. I know that there is something in us that thrives in that very kind of work.

Well, the day of painting I was anticipating last night has come to an end and it was indeed good. Today I learned something very important from my very wise friend:

Let God be God.

Because I want to be God. I don’t want to give God control over anything, and he demands control of everything in my life. Its so hard to give him anything and yet when he has it all is when we experience full life and perfect peace. I was reminded by Hebrews 12 that sin clings closely. It is not easily expelled, but it is taken from us as we are chastised and disciplined in our Fathers love for us. All who he receives are chastised. That we may lay aside the weight and sin and run the race before us.

So we did paint and it was good. Good to work with our Haitian friends. Good to use our hands. Good to labor in the simplest sense. Good to come back dirty and tired and hungry and happy. And to remember that God made us all to work and we enjoy him in a day of work.