From: Christ

(a letter from christ to his people)

Dearest Darling,

Come, come and stay a while. Its been too long. Come to listen, just for a little while. I want to whisper to you what your soul needs to hear. Come as a first urge, not as an after thought. Lets do something new today, I have this whole world to show you. Stop chasing after less wild lovers. I am the one your soul yearns for, the one your soul followeth hard after. Resist the temptation to get up and search elsewhere for what is at hand.  Yes, if you come with me, I will take you where you do not want to go. Yes, you will do more than you ever imagined, every day will be surprising and miraculous, yes the air tastes sweeter the closer we get. It will be easier if you choose not to follow. Everything about you wants to lead, wants to be in control, rejects my love, my self, for power. Everything in this world affirms it. But this discomfort, this pain I will lead you into is where life is found. It means you have to become close to people. I will take all your time, not an hour a month. It may take all your resources. Your job. It will certainly take your social status and reputation. This following me stuff, that is. But those are all much less wild lovers. But still I bid you, come and die. If your wondering how to serve, think of the people who no one wants to help. The scum of the world. The ones that make your stomach churn a little. THats who I want you to love with your life. Think of those living lives of quiet desperation. Now, love if you know few people suffering and desperately in need of me, it because you know few deeply at all. I promise you, as you peel back layer after layer in the pain of real relationship, real love, you will eventually get to me. In every soul. Darling, I know. I know the cries of their heart more intimately than anyone else. I know what they were made for. So come love. Come and follow. If only you could imagine what I will do with you and through you and in you if you answer the call, the call that makes your soul stand on tiptoe. The call of your Lover.

Jesus

Being the Body and Bride of Christ

Sometimes, a lot of the time I make this blog about me. And its just such a journey to see what it means to give it to God and let it be His. I don't know why I hold on to so much that belongs to Him, that I would love to let go of like my life. I glanced at the entry I had written from Tuesday and I was so surprised. You see, I never read them so I started and I just thought "I didn't write that. I don't have those words. I never could have written something like that." And it just humbled me so much that when its so late and I just sit typing away God could come in to these fingers and weave Himself into the text showing on the page. And that even when I think I'm making it about me, and I am of course, that he is still making it about Him. And I learned anew that He is doing things that we could not do, but in us and through us and we don't even know its happening. That we won't ever know the ways he works, the way the kingdom is advanced that He has us be apart of. Because we are beautiful to Him. Beautiful.
Last night I was watching the rain and I always have these revelations but I just thought that I don't need revelations. SOmetimes I need to just be with my Savior. Just look at what He is doing. He is doing so much. And the rain is just so tragic and delightful and fast and slow all at once. And I always rush through it or get frustrated by it or barely take note of it but I never just watch it. I never just watch anything. Because thats a waste of time and I just like as if time is this precious commodity that I can exploit and hold and manipulate. And I can. But it will be my loss. Because it doesn't belong to me. And the harder I fight for time, the more of it that slips out of my grasp. (as I am typing this it just started raining. That would be God I believe.)
I've been thinking about how I can't give love unless I get it from God first. That it has to spill out from the top while I try to shake out those last drops, the dregs of love. And thats lovely because we have no choice but to love God lots and lots if we want to love people. Because when we love Him a little, He loves us a lot. Like sprinkling versus downpour. I can't even imagine how he has such love in Him. It defies logic. And I never thought of myself having a finite amount of love but I certainly do. But He has an infinite amount of love that-and I was going to say tap into but thats wrong-an infinite amount of love to lavish on me that I may be Jesus, for real not figurative, and love people. And this I think is a little bit of what they mean when they talk about the mystery because its nothing but mystery really. And that Christ is not made real in people's lives by the message that a guy died for you a long time ago. He is made real in love. And love comes through people first and then directly through God. And so our love is so significant. Our one to one love, life on life love. Thats where gospel is-not in a speaker to a group or in a building or in a book. We are both His body-His hands, His feet, His eyes, His words and His bride. And that in order to be the body you must be the bride because the love does not come from anything we have of our own. And in order to be the bride we must be the body because  its the only way to know Him. Both cause each other and result form each other and exist in harmony. And  both are made real only when we come lay our head's on Christ's chest. Not that we accept or consider that John rested on his chest but that we do it. We dare to be enveloped in that sort of intimacy. That sort of love.

I really shouldn't be writing given thats its so late but there is just too much to pour out, to much glory to give to the Lord to not. There is so much life in Christ. And I know I probably express that all the time. But I have found that sometimes I have the same revelation day after day partially because it is so true and partially because I forget every day. But I never want the cross to get old. I never want to have days where I am not astounded by the bounty of life God provides. I will never have a day where I do not seek my own glory, where I am again confronted by whether to take the path up or down. When I don't find a fuller definition of giving my life to Him.
I was talking to my dear friend Jessie the other day about how to spend time because I want to spend more and more with Jesus but meanwhile there is class and people and life going on and I cant spend it all hiding in Him. And she revealed to me this stunning notion of life with Christ, of holding Him dear to my heart throughout the day, sharing with Him as I walk, inviting Him into the little decisions, seeing his presence in conversation. And I start to see how he equips me. It is so humbling because it is absolutely illogical. Like I shouldn't be equipped the way I am and I know there is this force moving in me and through me and that it is the Spirit. Because I know myself, I know I have no ability to be someone my friends are thankful for. And how Christ's life was surrendered to the Spirit and the Father and that God does in us and through us what we could never do or prepare ourselves for. And the idea of living constantly with Christ is so precious to me. It is sweet to the taste. And as I reflect on the day, I see that in these everyday yet undeniably miraculous conversations I find myself in, I am interacting and spending time with the Lord. And as my heart grows the more I pour it out, the more I feel for people, I know that there is only one Replenisher.
And I've found that our understanding of the Word becomes real when it is in our lives. That studying ceaselessly, it will be just a study. But when something happens and you think back to the gospel you know. When I can't get a kid from Boys Club out of my mind, i know what Paul means as he tells these churches "you're written on my heart, I think about you all the time." I know what Paul means when he says your power is made perfect in weakness, I'm beginning to see the way Gods love is so different as John describes.
Thank you, Lord, Lover, Friend for being you. For being a poet and writing this hurting humanity love sonnets in the Word and in the skies and in the trees that fall. Thank you for holding my hand as you gently reveal to me the darkness of my heart-though its depth makes me want to run. But even more God that you would use me, and grow me, and love me and that I wouldn't even know what was happening and you do it just because you're you. And thank you Jesus for living and for dying so that my condemnation was stamped on your bloodstained brow that now when I choose the world over and over, every time you rescue me saying "No, not her. She is mine." And God teach us that uncomfortable truth that the people we want to label "most" sinful, the people who's depravity is limitless, the traffickers and abductors and corruptors-those that we essentially condemn to hell-you say "No. Not even him. Not even her. They also can come into these arms. Because it is what I did not what any human being did or did not do that gives them the chance to be embraced by my perfect Papa."

down

You know, every single day I am struck by the beauty of Christ. And I never see it coming. I just can't get over it. God is the most beautiful thing that has ever been. And every day Im human and broken and sinful and he draws me close. And reveals to me great and unsearchable things I don't deserve. Things that are beyond me-mentally, physically, emotionally. And I doubt Him-I always have this fear that our time will be stale, unfruitful, I have this ridiculous fear that I will run out of things to learn but there is so much God here.
Today I was struck by this notion of downward mobility. And I've been familiar with this concept for quite sometime. But thats the thing about HIm-this is so much more depth, so much more to love and light and the cross that we will experience it anew for the entire course of our lives. These deep holy things will never be understood by us in fullness. And this idea of downward is so rich-it is maybe the most magical and terrible thing I've encountered. Magical because it is so utterly Jesus and terrible, horrifying because it is most certainly not me. My heart will be fighting upward, will be yearning for ascension for the entire span of my life. And so many times, when I think I'm moving downward its just upward in a different way. I don't want to be brought low or made nothing. I really don't. And even as I talk about what I want to do, I don't ever mention in casual conversation that I'm striving to be made poor, to be made nothing. We want it all. So we find these delightful compromises like being the best at scripture, or making significant differences in peoples lives, or helping people. this desperate need to be used by God but really I'm still just trying to keep a chunk of glory for myself. I compete within the realm of christianity, I need to be told of my spiritual maturity and praised by people. The servant leader is being led to unknown, undesirable painful places (Nouwen.) Everything in me, in this world, is yearning after upward mobility. The greatest temptation, the heart of sin is the desire to replace love with power. It traces to Genesis-forsake God's love to seek your power, to choose control over the cross, to choose leadership over being led. We trace it through the bible, through history, through ourselves. Down is dangerous. There is nothing safe or comforting or lovely about it. Except that Jesus went down. And maybe the more down, the more Jesus. And the disciples wanted to be positioned near christ because they saw the ultimate glory. And in that they were right, it is the ultimate glory. But that doesnt mean be taken to sit at the right hand of God, because Jesus didn't stay there. The one, the only one who ever had a right to be with God, who was in fact God and perfect, left that perfection. Being positioned near christ takes you to the cross before it takes you to heaven. It takes us down. What a lover we have stumbled upon.

Breaking Bread Together

On friday afternoon, just by chance I got this great opportunity to go watch a movie with a bunch of kids who live in temporary housing in the rougher part of Raleigh-by temporary, they are homeless but able to live in this townhouse complex for 3 months while parents try to find work. As soon as we got there we met Jabari, who was in first grade, and within seconds his three younger brothers-amari, antwon, and jaden. And there were probably ten other kids as well who came to watch the movie with us. and towards the end they got to have popcorn and not really thinking I took a bag when Hannah, the Jesuit volunteer through  Americorps  who works with them every day, offered it to me. But as soon as I realized how quickly they were scarfing down popcorn and that there were no seconds I began to wonder how much they got to eat (with kids, you cant really tell-my brother often eats like we never feed him :)) but I started to share my popcorn with the ones sitting next to me. Heres the beautiful thing-

after taking some, they wanted to share their popcorn with me. 

And soon all of them were in on it, sharing and eating and fellowshipping. And at 6 and 5 and 4 years old, considerably hungry, they were willing to give and to take popcorn from me and each other. And I felt for the first time in my life I understood what the disciples were talking about when they would all get together and break bread together. This dingy little day care room with a bunch of kids was holy. Undeniably holy.  This act of being on one level-where all of us were both giving and taking popcorn, sitting, snuggling watching a movie on one of those little mini televisions-A television smaller than my laptop for like 15 of us. It was so beautiful. And we were all just people, just children of God. Kids don't distrust you because of the socioeconomic or racial gaps that create chasms within societies. They love you just because you're you and you're there and you deeply want to give them attention and let them know they are worthy and loved and who knows whether anyone in the whole world is conveying that to them. And God loves them the way we love our kids. Except about a million times more. 

This is life. I never imagined it could be so deep, so right, so exhilarating. Letting go of dreams and hopes and relationships and everything I was trying to dump at Gods feet to be made worthy. And learning that my worthiness comes from Christ. and that nothing about my life will ever change that. And that I will fail but he will not. And that though I am a flower that will flourish for a second and then be gone but that his love for me, me of all people, stretches from everlasting to everlasting-an everlasting love for a little someone about whom there is nothing everlasting, and that I will break bread (or eat popcorn) and learn what it means to be human and be instilled with a painfully passionate affection for humans that is his and HIs alone..there aren't words for that. 

A Visible God

I was talking to someone the other day who was saying how it was such a struggle because they couldn't see God. And I remember thinking about that a lot over the years, and thinking that faith meant believing in God even though you can't see Him. But when she said that I was thinking about how visible God is. And how Jesus says the world won't see me but you guys are going to see me allover the place when I'm gone to his disciples. And I think that the more we become acquainted with who God is, the more tangible and visible he becomes. God really isn't invisible at all. Its just a matter of knowing what he looks like. My friends..God is written all over them. They just pour out God. I've never seen anything like it. Such deep spirituality even though we're young.Seriously were just a bunch of college trying to see where we fit into this big world. And I have been surrounded by a group with deep courage, radical faith, and passionate love for God. Maybe most in the miracles he works in me. I will come to spend time with him distracted and uninterested and unable to get into the Word and then all of a sudden-I'm immersed, its like being thrown into the ocean. And beginning to see his hands and the way they move things, the way conversations mysteriously turn to the Lord, the people I run into at just the right moment, just hearing stories and looking at God moving mountains in people's souls. And all people end out living for things that are super real though intangible. Living for success and love and glory..or things that are visible but ridiculous like money. Its just paper really. People living for paper. All of our lives deeply affected by this paper. And yes I know it signifies something deeper, but think about it: isn't that the way God is? 
Literally in the time I've sat in this coffee shop I talked to my friend Jacob about God's spirit, a girl from college life stopped by and we talked about life with God, the girl at the table next to me was reading her bible, I got to share life with my mom, God revealed to me this whole new connection about Spirit and wind and breath and how they are all the same. Like I saw Him in a whole new way today. And in this hour or whatever the Spirit moved in me. And this is life. This is what it looks like-continously being astounded by who God is and how here he is. And I came in here and the first thing I wrote in my journal was how my heart was entirely unable to reach God-distracted and unsure what to do and not even knowing how to approach Him. Like none of this is me. Its all Him. 

Rest

"None of us is good at silence. It says to much." -Buechner

Silence is really hard. Really hard to dwell in. Really hard to make time for. Really hard to face. I have found that it takes me at least 20 minutes or so to even reach a place where my soul has become quiet enough to approach the Lord, to gaze on Jesus both by gazing inwardly and outwardly. God gave all us both a need to work and a need to rest. My work need is far on overdrive and my rest need has been suppressed continuously. I was very convicted the other day when a good friend observed that I seem addicted to serving. God calls us to serve with our life. But I saw that as spending more and more segments of the day involved in serving and getting a job that is serving and just serving all the time. Thats not what God meant at all. Serving starts in the heart. Serving is serving God with our breathing and our thoughts and our daily living not serving people on Gods behalf. Because then it is still about me. And I find when I am in solitude, when I become acquainted with God, and begin to be stripped of all that I have adorned myself with: all the glory and identity and struggle and dreams and all that has been put on me just by living in this world- that is when self love can be replaced by the robe of Christ's purity and perfection and beauty. And only after that comes a freedom to be with people in a new way-"a new attentiveness to their needs, responsiveness to their heart" (Robert Foster) and the freedom stems from the fact that I am not trying to be fulfilled by them or in serving them.
     Nouwen talks about the importance of silence to protect the inner fire. That the soul is like a the steam bath which doesn't ever get hot if the door is left open. The soul in saying so much dissipates the remembrance of God through speech and the intellect is just this outpouring of confused thoughts. Oh, how true this is in my life, as I come upon great thoughts, experience great conversation, learn continuously but am so busy, so unable to devote the time to process and dwell and reflect on the moments of the day, trace the presence of God. Yet God is real and God is so good. Lets marinate in this promise:

"I will feast the soul with abundance and my people shall be satisfied."
Jeremiah 31:14

tea

I was just thinking about how Jesus is just like my tea. My throat has been killing me and when I don't drink water I don't notice but it gets worse and worse and then all of a sudden its like fire and drinking hurts really bad but if I drink constantly it doesn't hurt. It hurts when I go awhile without drinking. And in my life, I spend a whole lot of time in this spiritual deprivation where there is no immediate pain but the effects of not drinking are detrimental. In order to not be in pain, I need to drink in Jesus, soak in Him, meditate and go into solitude to drink deeply. And water is kind of like the cheap spirituality I usually try to cure the thirst with. And its easy to take a gulp and alleviates the pain for a few seconds but then its back again. Thats how I handle most spiritual disciplines: skimming some bible verses short generalized prayers, singing to God with my mind on something else entirely-let alone things like meditation. A hot mug of tea is a different story. Tea takes a whole lot more work: heating water, adding sugar, letting it seep, and taking time to commit to the entire mug, slowly sipping. But it is so evident that it is the one thing for my throat that provides lasting comfort. And everything about it, the smell, the warm mug, the delight in each sip is right. And thats the way deep spirituality is. Deep time with the Lord. It takes time, effort, commitment. It takes a lot more effort and slowing down and soul probing than I am usually ready to commit to. But its the only thing that works. The only thing that is right. Even water and the fast paced, shortcut, convenient spirituality won't satisfy. The real thing is so good. Immeasurably more.

Dearest Jesus,

You are inexpressibly lovely. Lord, how rarely I take the time to reflect on the subtle and astounding ways you are working my life. Every day, you love me in so many tangible delightful ways. You are alive on this campus God. Where my skepticism exists, your faithfulness abounds. People I wrote off as too far from the gospel, you are planting seeds in those hearts. God, I was too far and you have moved mountains and continue to do so. Lord, teach me to honor you with my time in real, tangible ways. Teach me the difference between giving a portion of my day to you and learning how to see you in every element of my day. To see you in the beauty, to see you in the mundane, day to day things as well. Jesus, you did it well. You lived perfectly within God's love and depended entirely on His Spirit. You sensed God in your soul at every moment and your face was turned up to be warmed by his light. You died not only on the cross but every day to your entire human-ness. Jesus, my life does not look like yours. James talks about looking intently in a mirror and at once forgetting what you look like. I see that in my life-forgetting again and again what you look like. But I will not dwell on my shortcomings because in my weaknesses your strength abounds. Where I cannot you can. Where I say "no" you remind me that the answer is always yes in Christ because all God's promises find their yes in Christ (2 Corinth 1:19) It is the most beautiful thing I can think of to have a continuous sense of the SPirit dwelling deeply in my soul. To imagine literally living the same life lived by Christ and the first church. To look at people and see only you. To meditate on the scriptures and see it as my spiritual nourishment, real food for the soul. To bring you up in daily conversation, simply because you are what is on my mind. For a prayer to rise within me as I rise in the morning and settle in my heart as I fall asleep at night. God, i do not want to live life of wistful anticipation of things down the road: family, career, rest, home, heaven. I want to be constantly engaged and fighting to make this life more heavenly, to see the heaven packed into the earth, to began now the process of living to soak in You that is promised to us. There is no climax to level of intimacy we can reach with you. The more I pursue you, the more exposed I am to life that goes beyond what I imagined. The more I realize how deep you are and that I have just begun to stick my toes in. Teach us God to live in your rhythms, to become a part of this cosmic dance the universe is engaged in, to know you. All else comes through that. In our love, be lifted high.

Unexpected

I went to Rockbridge this weekend, a place close to my heart where I went to camp as a camper and for work crew during high school. One thing I noticed is that I had this strange desire to control the weekend. Work crew last year was beautiful and I wanted this year to be the same. I was so relieved to be a server like last year and I was basically trying to create this recreation when I realized that God was patiently waiting for me to give Him the weekend. That I could be there and pour my heart into serving but if I was still trying to make it about me, then I would never experience Christ in a fresh, breathtaking way. God had such bigger, more miraculous plans for the weekend than I could have possibly orchestrated. And I don't know if you feel like this, but I do this literally all all the time. I'm like "Jesus, here's my life, but hold on I have this really great plan so let me that for a minute." And I spend so much time trying to make it as good as possible and do the things I'm used to: going to church, worshipping in the same context, reading the bible in the same place, creating this safe little pattern and structure and building this compartment for Jesus in my life. And Jesus will not settle for some compartment I give Him. Literally, every day, every single day I have moments where I say to God, "wow, I never could have saw that coming. I never imagined you working like that. Loving me like that. Using me like that. And the more I'm made aware of my own desire for control and I let God in, He destroys my plans. Without fail. If I plan to do my homework, like tonight, I end out having a heart to heart with my suitemate about God and life and pain. When I planned to go to zumba, we spent two extra hours crammed sitting on the bus and arrived at school long after it had ended. I planned to spend free time at camp in the places where I found God last year-I encountered Him in the store, in a random piece of holiness book by Henry Nouwen and deep conversation with people I never would have expected and sought out. And in all of it He says so clearly in my heart:

 "Look, love, you asked for this. You're the one who said you were giving me your life. I will do with it immeasurably more than you can imagine or accomplish. I'm taking over. I'm going to come crashing in."

 And the call is to let Him. To follow this crazy guy everywhere we absolutely don't want to go. The call is to obedience. And obedience to me really just meant motions. But going to work crew is not obedience in itself. I can go to work crew and reject God entirely and follow my own path. And that path may look really good. It may even be loving kids and working really hard and reading the bible and praying. But it is always, always me sitting on Gods throne instead of putting myself on the cross. I can also go saying "Here, God. Its yours. Make me nothing." Knowing that I am unworthy to even love campers and that God raises me to the highest glory attainable: being his hands and feet. And its an ugly job. Because Jesus's hands are the ones that lovingly pick the half eaten crumbs off the ground, his feet are those that ache from not resting. He is the one that eats from their trash and leftovers. That asks for no thanks, no glory, only to pour that out on anyone else.

A love letter from the Lord..

Sweet Darling,

You are beautiful. If only you could know how much I love you. My love is more faithful than the morning. I painted the sky for you today, but I think you forgot to look up. If only I could convey to you the depth of my affection for you. All the love that you can conjure in your mind all the love on this earth is still but a speck of my love for you..a star compared to the universe..a grain of sand compared to the coast. Come, come and be with me. Come as you are and come to stay. It is urgent. Your life depends on it. I have so much to show you, my love. I will whisper in your spirit great and unsearchable things you do not know. I will plant you in the land in faithfulness with all my heart and my soul. All my heart and my soul. I will betroth you to me. But, you must come. And if you do, do not come with a time schedule or an agenda. If you are looking to stay spiritually stable by spending a few minutes with me a day, if you just want to know the facts better, if you have some prayer routine thats become habit, I tell you to come all the same but I warn you: I have one thing to offer. Myself. if you are looking for anything other than that, you will leave unsatisfied. Am I worth your time? What if it takes a few hours? What if it means really giving me a day of your life? What if it means not doing something really important? Or taking a weekend just to be with me? I promise you, it will. I have such plans and intentions for our time together, plans to know you and change you and guide you tenderly into knowing me. It cannot be accomplished in a 20 minute routine in the morning. But it will be worth it love. I'll be honest I want everything. I want absolutely all of you. And I am offering all of me. And to tell you the truth, its the only thing that will save you. I know the thirst of your soul-yes, the one you tend to ignore. The one that gets shuffled to the bottom as the busyness piles on. But I am the water for you. Come and drink. Drink deeply until you are satisfied. Please?
Just let me love you.

God

Being the Poor and Slavery

     In the end of Mark 2 Jesus is walking along the grain fields with his disciples gather the grain the farmer had left for the poor. It hit me that Jesus was not the farmer who was willing to give some to the poor. Jesus was the poor man dependent on the farmer for food. The logic follows that if he came as our example, to follow Him we must become the poor. The literal poor, the poor in spirit, the scum of the earth as Paul said.
        Since I have known Jesus, I've had this really good plan of us both being made great in my life. But somewhere in my heart it is becoming more and more clear that only one of us will be made great. And if I think its both than its actually just me. Bonhoeffer, one of my biggest heroes wrote this book called the Cost of Discipleship and he said that when Christ calls a man he bids him come and die. Its truth. God offers all are fulfillment and demands that we seek it nowhere else. In the book he said The call is "nothing else than the bondage to Jesus Christ alone..no other significance is possible since Jesus is the only significance. Besides Jesus nothing has any significance. HE alone matters.
     And the temptation for me and for whoever reads this is to think wow thats a really great sentence and a really good way to look at Jesus. But the call is to reread it over and over again and let it (and theis goes for the Bible as well) sink deeply into our souls until the darkness is revealed. Because the darkness is there. I have believed for quite a while that there is a moment you give your life to Jesus. But every time I give my life to Jesus I snatch it back. I desperately want to keep it. I have a lot of plans you know? I have dreams. I want to save people's lives. I want to be loved and appreciated and needed. And you maybe thinking whats wrong with that? Thats all of us..But I will dare to say that the call of Jesus is to follow. And that means I let everything go. Jesus does not give us concrete goals to work towards which I create for myself every day and so often sign his name at the bottom in my heart. Bonhoeffer said that Levi leaves everything not because he thought he might be doing something worthwhile. He leaves everything for the sake of the call. This call, this cause is not going to be deemed worthwhile-so if we follow our praise our worth will come from Christ alone-not because that is our choice but because that is the only person in whom it will be found.
"Nothing on earth, however sacred, must be allowed to come between Jesus and the man he has called. That means that stopping human trafficking cannot come between me and jesus. It means supporting a family cannot come between us and jesus. It means our spouses can't come between us and Jesus. Don't discount this. This is shocking and ugly and uncomfortable...
But the truth within it is crucial, absolutely crucial.

We are part of the problem. We cannot fix a problem we are helping create.

I'll show you how this applies to me and human trafficking. I want to free slaves in the sex trade. Kids 16, 10, 7 years old are living lives where they are raped every single day. This is urgent and it cannot be ignored. But if my attitude is that I can free them from bondage I am wrong. I may be able to free them from physical bondage but I will never be able to release the shackles of sin, dissolve the guilt and shame, heal their hearts. Christ alone can. And I know this because I was born in the same bondage-not physical but spiritual. I was bound to myself, the darkness of my heart, desire to control, sin. Only Jesus could free me from that. And it was not a one time rescue. Just last year I became enslaved to thinness, to a flat stomach-again Jesus alone could change me-I would never ever ever have healed myself. And if I become enslaved to being the Savior for these girls than I am just as bound as they are. Christ can free me and he can free them and he can free every single human being that has ever and will ever lived.

And the crazy thing is only when bind ourselves, enslave ourselves, to Christ will any of us ever taste freedom.

James 1:16-18

I think maybe God would like me to spend more of my time with Him. In fact I'm quite convinced. I love Him so much and the more I love Him the more I love other people. I just go crazy for them. The veterans I worked with yesterday. My suite-mates. My family. Random people I'll never even meet.
My heart aches today. Its aching for my young life leader Libby. Its aching for the darkness of my own heart. Its mostly aching just to know Jesus more. I was thinking today about how I'm not really comfortable telling people Jesus is it and that I am way more likely to talk about so many other things but what that really boils down to is that either I believe that Jesus is it or not. Whether I believe that all life is found in Christ and that God died and his dying changed everything and whether I believe Jesus is the one thing that is right for every soul on the planet. Because if I really believe that I will live and I will love and all my interactions will point to that truth in my soul. And so I'm working on that because I do believe it but life does not scream that truth. I still seek greatness. I do. Every day. But my prayer is becoming for God to make me less and less great in order for Him to be more and more great.
I spend and awful lot of time scheduling and planning and trying to figure out where m life is headed but I think maybe I need to put all that time into saying "Well God, here I am. Here is all of me. Its yours. Do something lovely through me. I trust that you will do something bigger than I could have ever even dreamed. I am here to make much of you.
And I really believe He is shaping in me this vision of going with the gospel. My life is sort of summed up in this story my dear friend Jessie told me today. An amazing woman started this project rescuing girls from sex trafficking and she was speaking with one of the rescued girls and talking to her about how incredible our God is, but the girl just looked at her and said:

If your God is so good, why didn't you come sooner?

She is so right. And I thought well there is life. Going but not just going to feed people or educate or empower them though that is all part of it. Also not just going to talk about Jesus. Becasue God did both. He came down to are humanness and dwelled with us in the humblest way possible and He is our example. To go and dwell and meet peoples human needs and offer them life. The only life.
My pastor today also talked about how spiritual maturity is understanding that Jesus is enough. That being single all your life is extremely difficult but that jesus is enough. That being married is unbelievably hard and will not be romantic and lovely forever and will expose you to so much darkness in yourself but jesus is enough. That when we are starving Jesus is enough. That when we have so much that we forget how to appreciate any of it Jesus is enough. Than God is good and that God offers us goodness but only, again only, in Himself. Everything else we fall for will leave us looking to Him aching and sore, angry at Him, while he he knew all along that it was never good for us simply because it wasn't at all Himself.

Anchor of the Soul

"When God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high preist forever by the order of Melchizedek." Hebrews 6:17-20

Lets hide this scripture in our hearts, come to it daily, dwell in it until the anchor forms in our souls, sure and steadfast, deep and true. Such a deep gospel we have been given. Such an intimate savior, venturing beyond the curtain, drawing us to himself. What would it mean to have our souls literally anchored, anchored sure and steadfast in the hope that God will keep his promise. That God will betroth himself to us, that we could literally live life in this truth. That as we drift to sleep at night the lingering thought is of this hope, that as we stir in the mornings a prayer rises in us as we rise to the day. Living with God. Living deep. Living slowly and deliberately. What if we opened our bibles with the entire day ahead of us, willing to dwell in His Word for hours because his Word will dwell deeply in us. What if we came into prayer quietly, willing to listen, taking all the time we need to still our hearts and our minds to rest in his Sovereignty. Later in Hebrews it says "he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them." To the uttermost. I don't know that I have ever drawn near enough to grasp being saved to the uttermost. We can draw near to God. Draw near to the brilliance and the intelligence and the divineness and holiness that he is. And we can't seem to pencil that in to our schedules. Where is our delight to come to Him? Where is our joy to share with people that we are drawing near to our Love? All the time people ask me what I'm doing and I say bible study because its east and acceptable but thats not what I 'm doing at all. And if it si then it shouldn't be. Because our God does not give us homework. He is not content with the fact that we reserve a small piece of our days for Him or that we go to social gatherings in his Name. Not because He is angry but because he desperately wants to be, really be, with us. Thats what I should say. I'm spending time with the love of my life. I'm in conversation with the Creator. I'm drawing near through Christ or letting God share with me our story-his story that he has written me into. I'm dancing with Jesus at the moment. What if I were to say that? More importantly, waht if I were to do that. Because something in me knows that if I were to really do that I would such satisfaction and delight in Him that I would no longer mind what they thought of me and my response but I would be far more hopeful that they join me. We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul. Lets just dwell in that. Breathe it. Taste it. Search for it in yourself.
Seriously, every time I begin to really go deep in Jesus I just want to cry. Its such a heart thing. Lets go back to ancient Christianity. To twelve guys and some odd girls sitting around wondering how to keep this man who changed each of them alive. To breaking bread and worshipping. Just singing to God because he is God and we are nothing and we want to sing to his love. To writing poetry for God, for letting the poetry he wrote and writes for us dissolve in our souls and penetrate the walls we build to keep our hearts safe. Let be like the psalmists who ached for God, who felt the water and the trees and the wind and found him there. Lets be like moses and come from the mountain with our faces shining. Lets be like Paul and write letters and pray hard and really  love our siblings in Christ. Lets be like Adam and Eve and experience the deep tragedy they, and we, being upon ourselves by demanding his throne. Lets be like Jesus and get on the cross. Many see the cross from afar, some come and kneel before, but so very few ever hear the whisper and the urgency to get on it. But those few will know Jesus most of all.

(p.s. I'm going to hike in mountains and hopefully know the Lord more deeply and have my soul anchored more in the hope, and I'll be back sunday so thats why I'm not blogging the rest of this week. Love you though.)

A letter to you

Just a letter the Lord has been writing on my heart and that he will use me simply to type, nothing more..its for you.

Beloved,
I love you deeply and fully. Come, love, enter my rest. You will find life in me. Dwell in me. And I have come to the earth that you may dwell in my fullness. In Christ all my fullness was pleased to dwell. Christ has ushered you into this fullness. Let go of that which holds your affection. Place all of yourself in me. Come, hide in my wings. We will fly together. All i ask is that you come and know me. Make no mistake, I ask everything of you. I will make you perfect. You have placed yourself on my throne and placed my Son, my first love, on your cross. In order to put him on the throne, you must take your place on the cross. I will ask you to die every day. Its impossible-but in me it becomes possible. Know, darling, the most dependable thing in the world is my love. My love will not perish, when the world itself dissolves, it will be as strong as it is today. Invest in eternity. You have nothing to lose. Do not be afraid to love well. Love well and love hard. Love expecting rejection. Love knowing that very, very few will place themselves on the cross. Love me and begin to live and journey in the length and depth and strength of my love for you. You have no idea..As you come to find fullness in me, as you let go of your other sources of counterfeit love, loving will come easier. I loved you first. I will be with you always. I will not fail. You would fail if fighting on your own. Its a losing battle against yourself. You cannot possibly overcome an affliction bigger than you. You cannot fix a problem you are a part of. But take heart, I have overcome the world. I am far more than all that you are fighting. Come to me and I will fight through you. I will fight for you-in fact I fought as hard as was possible and I won. It is finished. But there are so many people my heart aches for, so many humans who need me and desire the depth and the goodness and the holiness they were created for, and I have chosen to usher you into this rescue mission. Come to me sweet love, come daily. Come constantly, step down from the throne and run into my embrace. Yes I ask that you take up the cross, that you lose your life. But not alone. I went first. And I will go with you. And I promise, I promise on myself because there is nothing higher on which  I could make this covenant, that I will betroth myself to you in faithfulness and righteousness and that you will really know me only in following Him, only in dying to yourself and living to me. I love you.

Again, I love you.

-Abba


(side note: I attribute the cross-throne analogy to Craig, my college life leader, it really spoke to my heart. Also the verse this is founded in (though there are many) is:

I appeal to you therefore, my brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, which is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, his good perfect and pleasing will.
 Romans 12:1-2

Where I am weak, you, God, are strong

God,

I'm starting to get to the boulders in my soul. We've removed some of the top layers of sin and I am finding my worth in you. There is no question that you are working miracles in my soul. But we've reached a really tough point, Lord. You want my life and I thought I gave it to you a long time ago. But there is a lot I have yet to relinquish. God, you are undeniably the love of my life, yet I rarely introduce people to you. Yes you are in me and you are loving your people through me. You are doing more work in me and through me than I will ever grasp. But God I've been really resistant to the gospel. The gospel that you've asked me to proclaim. You are it and Jesus is it. I'm just not living like salvation is that urgent, that eternity is really at stake. I can't help but realize God, that my heart would ache a whole lot more for the people in my school who don't know you deeply. I can't help but think how often and how fervent I would be in prayer. I can't help but wonder who I would spend my time with.

 I have not been rejected once since I've been here. I have not been bold because this extremely exclusive gospel is so uncomfortable. Christians and non Christians alike son't want to deal with this. I don't want to wrestle with the fact that the vast majority of people alive right now, billions of people, don't know you and Jesus and that the only chance they have of knowing is proclamation by the people who do know you. God when I was in church today, when I said in my heart, "Here am I send me" i knew it would fade. I knew the  fire of passion and the conviction and the call would burn down. What tragedy. And its true. The passion of any mission trip or event or service or interaction with you will fade into oblivion unless we fight to keep it alive. And I don't even want to because it sucks to realize that I'm here to be weird and to tell people that he died and they are forgiven. Yes I believe its true but I don't want that commission. I want someone else to take it so I can live my life, and love you safely and happily, and do something the world can appreciate, and be affirmed by both you and the world. 

God my heart is yours and you have changed me. You are true and I naturally suppress the truth. You are right and I go after what is wrong. You offer me everything and I turn to anything else. I was created self centered, vain, aching, depraved and yet YET you came crashing in. You were willing to write salvation on my heart day after day and even now I am still only beginning to dive into it. I love you. My heart, naturally, wanted everything but you and it has been transformed to love you more than anything else. I was enslaved to myself and I have found freedom in binding myself to you. When I consider what you have done in me, I have hope, because you undeniably did the impossible. And you are faithful to me and will continue to do the impossible. Where my heart is still a heart of stone you will breathe life and I will be given a heart of flesh. Change my heart God, tear out these deep boulders in my soul, free me to sweet abandon of letting go of the world that I still seek love from. And furthermore, if the gospel could change me, it can change anyone. Do not ever let me write a single person off as too  far gone, to much of a god hater because you moved my heart-you did not write me off, nor did the people who shared the gospel with me. You are strong. The gospel is strong. Your love is strong. Stronger than my doubts, stronger than my godless desires, stronger than this world. Its all you love.  

Today is one of those days where I had this really big to do list of working out and studying and being busy and having a date with Jesus and then God was like "Nope. Not what you are going to do at all. I've got something better in mind." And so I wander into a coffee shop with no intention of getting coffee and see two girls from my bible study and just sat and shared life with them. And we went deep and we talked about how we're all in love with the same guy. And I just don't even have words for that little pocket of unexpected beauty in my life. This is what life looks like. Don't get nervous to go deep with people. I like to ask people what they're about, what their passion is, and most people don't even know. And I too would be caught  off guard if someone asked me what I was living for. But lets go there. Lets ask. Because why skim around on the surface, where everything is safe and comfortable and talk about majors and weather and homework when hearts are aching for more?

Someone very close to me asked me how my day was and I said "little bit sad, little bit beautiful." And he wanted to know why I was sad. And this sadness, which I always think of as godly sorrow, has been a huge part of knowing Christ since I've been here. Its sadness of the soul. It's sadness of seeing all this sin in myself and that I don't feel like loving people. Seriously I just don't. Because its really hard and I'm still all about myself. And its the sadness of being human and that being human means being apart from God. Sometimes I just want to be with God. And its sad to realize all these things that were good and important really aren't at all. A lot gets stripped away in knowing Christ. Life goes deeper. So sorrow is deep and joy is deep. And comfort comes with sorrow. It is sorrowful to realize I cannot just be super busy and never think about what's going on in my heart and in this world and the spiritual warfare and the day to day feeling purposeless. I love being busy. I'm going to bring this up a lot because its a constant struggle for me.
      And I love serving. But its serving to serve, its not serving to love God. Because serving is really easy because you just love on people and you think wow how great of me to love on people for an hour and make their day better and now that I've done some serving I can just revel in how great I am. Subconsciously thats what goes on in my heart. I believe in serving people, and I do not discount it but the service that is easy and fulfilling is probably not what the Lord is calling me to. Because it should be heart wrenching. It should be loving people with my life. And just as God calls us into all consuming relationship with him, he calls us into this sort of loving. Life on life loving. Not get my own satisfaction serving.

But the little bit beautiful part is better and bigger. Its just beautiful to live in Jesus. And to be in the disciple stage where He asks us just to  learn Him, not to do anything but to watch how he loves people and to be like Him and just kind of follow him around wherever he goes and make mistakes and stumble. And then one day he's walking on the water and he invites us to dance, eyes twinkling, drawing us out. And we do it. We actually step out. And  maybe its pure exhilaration and sheer beauty and rightness of the heart. And we could stay there forever-but then we remember we're on the water and we start to sink. And he draws us into Himself and allows us back onto the boat apart from him, whispering that the dance could have gone on..that he will wait until were ready again..he'll wait years for a 30 second dance. Thats just the God he is.