matthew 25

"Truly I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you did it to me." To those he says "Come, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world."
And to the others, "as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me, and these will go away into eternal punishment but the righteous into eternal life."

These are Jesus's own words concerning the final judgement. It has huge implications for our life. Clearly there is a specific group, "the least of these" whom how we treat will determine how we treat Christ and how we treat Christ will determine whether we go away into eternal punishment or eternal life.

So who are these "least of these"?

In the same text it says the hungry, the thirsty, the strangers, the sick and the imprisoned. In another text, james 1, says religion that is pure and undefiled before God is this, that we visit orphans and widows in their affliction.

Today I went with my youth group to pass out lunches at a homeless shelter. Now, the poor in VA beach dont actually fall into any of these categories necessarily. Some may be hungry but most probably arent. Either way, I met a man named Marvin. He was more or less brilliant. He spoke about DNA, the third reich and world war II and his role in the Coast Guard as someone who interprets and works with morse code. Even if he was lying, he'd have to be pretty smart to make that up. And it was good. It was good just sitting for a while and talking. As we got in the car to leave, I realized that I no longer had that happy feeling of having done something "good." somewhere in the course of the past year, things that I used to get satisfied by and "pat myself on the back for" it no longer happens. Because what does that say if I feel accomplished or selfless for spending time with certain people? That I somehow consider myself superior to them. And I am not. And as I was reading St Teresa of Avila she talked about humility and the only time she ever does anything good is completely the work of God. Its not her at all. So she can praise him for doing good but not herself. Which may seem extreme, but I think its true. There is no room for self love in Christianity. Christ himself had none. Nor can we.

Even more so, spending time with the poor is probably something God told us to do because it benefits us immensely. I was saying in the car, you know God doesnt measure success like we do. We may be speaking to our superiors spiritually when we speak to the poor. I am guessing it is much more possible to be poor in spirit when you're poor by the worlds standards than when you are rich and the poor in spirit-theirs is the kingdom of heaven. We better stick close by them or we might just miss inheritance. I could see the difference, in my desire to spend time with the lord when I got home, an ease and patience in prayer that I RARELY have, and spirit that is just more at peace. After simple listening to a guy named marvin share about his life.

They change us. The poor. And a lot of times they know him. Jesus that is. Better than we do. And when he comes inviting people to the feast, I sure am going to want to be with those who get invited and go, not those who get invited and decline to their busy lives and missions and tasks.

God is light

Yesterday morning I went to a little morning bible study with young life and we talked about spiritual warfare. Because it was for new christ followers, it was a pretty basic study just talking about what spiritual warfare is, the fact that the devil is real and not a joke and then looked at the armor of God passage in the end of Ephesians. But then today I was struck with the seriousness of spiritual warfare. Satan is really at work in every christians life. And I am finding that every christian needs to identify each of their fears and figure out their "thorn" and the less seriously we take these thorns the more capable they will be of destroying our spiritual life. And I began to think of how great my desire is for God and how little time I actually spend with him. There is a reason for that. The days are evil, Ephesians says. We have to really get to know our idols. because I think the power of idols and brokenness and sin in our lives is that it is embarrassing and uncomfortable and we would strongly prefer that it didn't exist. But there is no christian who doesn't have things keeping them from deepest intimacy with the father and obedience to him. And I think the further we get in our faith the more sinister and elusive the obstacles become. Henri Nouwen, I believe, said the way to handle brokenness is to expose it and embrace it. Not embrace it as in falling deeper into the battle, but embrace it as in identifying it, sharing it with another believer, saying it out loud, recognizing that it will probably accompany you the rest of your life, as terrifying as it may seem. There is nothing Christ cannot overcome. There is no desire of ours he can erase by right relationship with him. The very worst thing I can do, is pretend that its not a problem and let whatever it is continue to enslave me. We have been set free.
My YL leader Ryder said one of Satan's favorite things is when we don't take him seriously. His favorite thing we could do with are struggles and with the lies we hear that no one else can is to pretend they're not real. He loves all darkness. Darkness in our souls, lives, communities, churches.

"This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that GOD IS LIGHT and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another and the blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1:5-7

a prayer.

Father,

I know not how to follow you. Will you show me?
I know not how to love you. Will you show me?
I know not how to listen to you. Will you speak to me?
I would like to know you abba.
I would like to proclaim you.
I will sing to you.
I will smile at you.
I will draw near to you today.
Come through me.
Make your home in me.
Make me your own.
I am not peaceful or humble or obedient but will you make me that way?
You told me everything I ever did. Could this be the messiah?
It is. You are.
Savior.
Lord.
Do your commandments? Can you help me?
Come close.
I am here. I am closer than you know. 
God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob.
I AM WHO I AM.
Can I see you?
If you have seen the Son, you have seen me. My fullness dwells in Him. 
God, I really love Him.
I know dear, so do I. 
God, can I stay with you forever?
Forever and for always.
God, I don't know the life I am called to.
Do you know how to obey me today?
Love you, love people, make disciples?
Praise you, pray, read?
Be the aroma of Christ?
Yes love. Its all in the Word. Look to him. The founder and perfecter of the faith. Do what he commands you. Love us. Stop worrying about usefulness. The usefulness of your life, is my concern not yours. 
Every day though, I'm with you and I love you, then I lose you. I just live a normal, not radical, life.
Pursue me alone.
I'm scared.
What are you afraid of?
Being disobedient.
Pursue me alone.
I have been with you. You have lacked nothing. 
You're right.
Krystal?
Yes?
I love you.
Why?
I love you.
I love you too.
Are you in my midst?
I will never not be in your midst. 

ordinary to radical

Lord,

Thank you for being right here right now. Not because I feel you in some exciting way, but quite the opposite. I'm just home God. And that does not feel very miraculous. And somehow, I always want to think you are the only the God of the miraculous and not the mundane. But, in fact, you work in the day to day lives of your people. You came in the form of one of whom it was said, "can anything good come from Nazareth?"
Today, you call me to faithfulness and obedience. Call me to yourself. Call me to be a listener and a servant to my family and my friends. To people who know me, who respect me, who will ask me how I've been. People I get to proclaim your goodness to. Today you have given me a Word. A Word to get to know. A word to meditate on. A law to love. A man who is also God. A perfect word.
For whatever reason, my desire to dig into that word is surprisingly lacking. My desire to pray to is small. Always rather be doing. Dont let me get so busy that I miss what you want from these few weeks. Dont let me forget the things I have been given by the new people I have met this summer. Or forget them.
Thank you that today is not insignificant to you. Thank you that these words are not insignificant to you. Thank you for the radical call you have for our lives. Reveal it.

finally finally back

Quick post. Home. 2 am. First time in 10 weeks. Long long time. Feeling…good? Not sure. Holding onto Christ. Uncertainty. Just about me I guess. Unanchored. Last time I was here I had just finished my freshman year of college. The best year of my life. The year I fell for Jesus. Not just church jesus or young life jesus but just him, the one who wants my life. And I found the only way I get my life at all is if I give it all to him. And I grew into who he made that first year, this first year. I was scared and alone and I made friends and I met families and I found a special church called Vintage 21 and met some homeless men and some inner city girls and some real wise college students and my life was changed. Then I came home. For 3 days. Terrified. Because I was heading to this scary place called Haiti. And I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was going because I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of discerning what God wants with my life and how to be obedient. But I went. And I got there and still didn’t know what I was doing or why I was there. But then beautiful things started happening. I fell in love with people. I learned the easiest creole you can learn and used everywhere. I got to do construction and see how Haitians worship and hang out with kids and build relationships and meet teams. And it got more and more beautiful. Then I found this orphanage and met the kids that I’ll never forget. And went to a tent city. And got to hang out with an amazing group of high schoolers and a group of l.a. adults real passionate about prayer and the lord and never ever wanted to leave. But I did. Trusting again that I was at least trying obedience. And flew to Los Angeles. And lived life with my grandparents. Experienced reverse culture shock. Missed Haiti. Loved them. Missed home. Missed Wyldlife camp. Prayed, but not nearly enough. Found out a little about places in LA that are changing whole lot of lives. Had some great conversations, and practiced resting. Then went to Sacramento and saw three gorgeous wonderful people, my stepmom, stepsister and half sister. And got to talk about God. It was miraculous. And unexpectedly got to spend some really awesome time with some homeless people and high school girls. Then went to the mountains. Reunited with my family and soaked in creation for 2 and a half more weeks. And now it’s the middle of the night and I am typing on my mac. One of my favorite favorite things to do. Oh how I missed this little laptop. No other computer felt right. And I’m not tired. I’m just…itching for jesus. More of Him. And nervous about the next few weeks. Moving back to school, seeing people I haven’t seen in forever, just being here in Chesapeake and what it will look like. But I am thankful that I am here and that I am typing and that God is here and that he is for me and that he is the one I am running after and with and being pursued by and even though nothing else seems constant he is the I AM and Jesus is clear. That he came to offer life and life to the full. And the more I surrender myself to him the more I get life to the full. He promises. And now, I suppose I must try to sleep. Not appealing but necessary. I feel I need to write all night. It feels good. I was made for this. This chasing after jesus thing that somehow intertwines a love for the Word and writing and high school girls and inner city and Haiti and nature and family and broken being made whole and hungry being filled and captives set free. It’s a beautiful thing. You were made for it too with all your passions and interests and loves and whatever stuff you are made of. Your made for the divine and he is going to use all of you. Yes he is asking for all of you. He takes it all. No I have not got how to give it all yet, but praise him he is patient and he is not finished wit me. And so we journey. Through 2 weeks in Chesapeake and 1 week in nags head and then, back to Raleigh North Carolina. Oh how I look forward to some stability. It’s been a long time without it. My own little pilgrimage. I’ve learned a lot, forgotten a lot, but have not forgotten the One who is faithful, the one who I am to obey and the one where all my strength and all my love comes from because I am empty of all that. I have seen nothing in myself I am able to rely upon. So I cast myself on Him whom I know has open arms. Whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light. Who intrigues and excites and challenges me. Who I am falling for. Come. Lord Jesus, come. 

last blog for a while

Haven't been blogging much at all this week obviously. And I am traveling again today. From Sacramento to Reno to meet my mom and my younger siblings, say goodbye to my stepmom, stepsister and half sister, and head up into the Sierra Nevada Mountains with my family for two weeks. Which, as all things are, a huge gift. To be with family in the most beautiful place on earth (I may be a little biased) and spend time with God and family in the midst of his creation. again no phone, no computer, just people and books, so it will be another 2 weeks without much blogging. and the question arises, what does it mean to follow God and be obedient to him in this season of life. That so many find themselves in during summer. Traveling, seeing family, no consistent schedule, we dont really have time for daily devotionals because we are with people we never see, and out of our element...I can see it in my time with God. Sort of hasty, impatient, hard to keep my attention, justifying my busyness...I never see these people God. And I guess the response is that God does demand supremacy in our life. He wants the firstfruits, of our time, money, talents, whatever. And the reality is, he knows how to make our time with people gorgeous. Because he made them and he made us and in him alone can the relationship reach its fullest beauty. So we need to steal away just to be with him. Perhaps now more than ever. And I look at my day and realize that there is always time...Always time where I read other things or bake or run or whatever. I know that at least for me the question is never whether I have time for God. I always do. Whether I choose to give my time to him. What I am willing to give up to be with him.
Its still hard for me to accept that God is just as much in the mundane as the exciting. And even more so, there is no such thing as mundaene to God. Unlike us, he does not consider mission trips some ultra spiritual time or wants to interact with us more or do crazier things in our lives. We just are more open. We trust that he miraculous things in mind when were on mission or leading bible studies or whatever. He is just as present, just as much a healer and a redeemer in family vacations as any thing else. That is just. as much. mission.

And I think we know that. We know our families. We know the pain, the yearning, the separation from God. The desire for spiritual growth. That self sacrificial love will be demanded of us. But it is harder. My mom has always told me that. It is harder to love your younger siblings or your inlaws or whatever than it is to love orphans. So now is the time we must demand on God the most every day. Summer after senior year I went to wyldlife camp, leading a cabin of girls. And every morning I woke up and spent 30 minutes to an hour with God. But what was crazy about it is that when my alarm went off in the morning, I knew I didnt have a choice. There was no way I would be able to pour into my cabin of 8 girls and love them to the best of my ability if I didnt have time to be poured into an engage with their and my creator. I depended on that time for my strength. And I am convinced that should not be something unique for that week. That every day all of us are interacting with people. And are call as Christians, is to be the aroma of Christ and to love people with the love of Christ. And we cant do that on our own.

I want to write a little bit to Haiti..

Dear Haiti,

its been a while. People ask me about you all the time. I tell them I love you. I dont have much else to say. No, I have so much to say but I dont know what words to use. I dont know how to tell them about your streets and sunrises and voice that loves to sing to God. I dont know how you fit into my life, but I know you will be a part of it. I miss you. I dont think a lot about missing you, but as I write this I wish I could fly to you. But my family of course is here. Although I have made some family in you as well. I wonder if I dont think about you that much because I dont want to miss you. I get sort of frustrated that nothing about my life has you in it except that people ask me how you were. But its dumb because I am so afraid that when I tell they think, wow shes a cool person or a good person for going to Haiti. and that is stupid. Because I want them to see God when I talk about you. Who he is, how gorgeous he is, what HE is doing with you and your people, not me. But thats not exactly easy to express. Dear Niaka (2 year old from the orphanage that I spent a lot of time with) I wish you were here with me. I miss you. I hope our walking is going well and you are getting lots of love and attention. I hope you are happy and that you know God. Even though youre just a baby. You might know God best of all. Im praying for a family to fall in love with you like I have. If we cant be family, I want a family for you that is crazy about you. But no matter what, you will be with God forever, so dont be sad if you stay in the orphanage for a long time You look like an angel.
Dear Chicowski, You really scared me that one day you were sick. I hope you are well and busy like always. How is construction going? do you still go there every day? You better be paying attention in school. Even though you are so going to be a construction worker when you row up. I miss you like crazy. Especially having you on my back, whispering things in my ear I cant even understand. I dont even mind if you say really innappropriate things to me in English, because Im going to hope and tell myself you have no idea what they mean. Dear 6th grade girls, I love you guys. I loved hanging out wiht you every morning Thanks for being really patient in teaching me creole and speaking english so well so we can talk. You are all going to do super great in 7th grade. I wish I was your teacher. Or just friend. I kept all the pictures you gave me and Im telling everyone I know about you just like I promised. Dear Jeff (from the tent city), I am so sorry I didnt take you back with me. I know you wanted me to. Dont ever think I forgot you. I didnt. I have your picture and I wont ever forget the time you took me to your tent. Your family needs you. You can do big things for your country. I wish I spoke more creole so I could have known all the stuff you said to me, but I know that you loved me. Thank you.

Time to go see my family. Who I need to thank for being pretty much amazing. And letting me fl away with God. Knowing that I would come back. almost 8 weeks ago my parent waved goodbye in the Norfolk airport, supporting me one hundred percent. Not because they wanted me to go. But because they have given me to God. Trusting that he would bring me back to them. He is faithful. Today is that day. And to all my haitian loves, he will do the same. Bring me back to you all. I hope. But even if not, we have a city that is prepared for us. An inheritance that cannot be taken away. And in haiti and america we are still just sojourners. But one day, one day very soon, we will be home. And we can love today knowing that very soon we will all fly away. And be together forever. With Christ. Cling to that. Make it your very life. Hes better than life.

John the Baptizer

There is a lot of wonder in my life right now. Wonder that people I love would ask me about haiti and that I get to share my heart with them and most of all at the look in their eyes and the way they light up when they learn something new about haiti. And seeing people love haitian people a little more. Because I love them. I really love haitians. And wonder at my family. I just dont get how I got such a beautiful family. That loves me so well. Right now crazy wonder at how my 2 sisters I havent seen in a year in a half have grown. How gorgeous and old they are. How talented they are. My sister nicole can play guitar and piano and sing and do percussion and jazz dance. Seriously. Thats my sister. Shes pretty amazing. But better is that she asked if I would teach her about God. That is the stuff of life right there. Or that a girl who I was so blessed to meet in Haiti would write to me and tell me about how christ is growing her and how prayer is playing out in her life and wondering about how god wants to use her as she gets ready for college and for life. Thats the stuff of life. Or that I had a girl named Diamond, in 6th grade, call me a few days ago from raleigh just to talk and share her heart and say she cant wait to see me. And I'm just like, this is my life God? Why do you love me like you do? Why do you choose to enter in to every little piece of it and bring the fullness of your glory. Beth Moore said this beautiful thing about Abram, that when God is talking to him and saying "all this land you can see I am giving to you and your offspring and your offspring is going to be like the dust, immeasurable, and she noted that he says "please." to Abram. As in, Abram please believe me when I say that all this is yours. Please believe the promises I make to you and your offspring. Please know that I am for you. that I will do more than all you could ask or imagine. That I love you and am faithful to you more than you could dare to hope. 


But the greatest thing I got to read today was in John. And it is said by John the baptist. His disciples come and say, Jesus is baptizing too. Hes stealing your thing john. And everyone is going to him. And john is like, guys you don't understand. He is the one I have been talking about. I am not the messiah. Im not the bride or the bridegroom. I am the friend of the bridegroom. The more he is doing, the more I rejoice. And he says this simple profound, stake your life on it sentence...

I must decrease and He must increase. 


That is our lives. Lets pray it over and over again. Lets make it the soundtrack of our lives. In every interaction, in every mission, in every job, in our relationships. He must increase, we must decrease. Make it our first goal. What would happen? I cant even dream up the possibilities. Lets write it on our hearts. That we decrease so that he can increase. Beautiful.