To us, love God.

Sons and daughters, 


See now that I, even I am he,
And there is no god beside me. 
I kill and I make alive
I wound and I heal
And there is none that can deliver out of my hand. 


Am I not your father, who created you, 
who made you and established you?


Are you not my sons and daughters?


Trust me, my darlings. 
My work is perfect. 
All my ways are justice. 
I am a God of faithfulness. 
I am without iniquity. 
I am like nothing you have every known. 
My ways are not your ways, 
my thoughts are not your thoughts. 
My love for you is abundant. 


My grace for you is sufficient. 


I will not leave you. 


You are my people.


Don't you know, little ones, 
That I found you in the desert land. 
In the howling waste of the wilderness. 
Do you remember?
I encircled you and cared for you
You are the apple of my eye. 


I spread out my wings and caught you. 
I bore you on my pinions. 
I guided you and there was no foreign god with you. 
When you are with me, you see the foolishness, 
the worthlessness of all those foreign gods that want you. 


I ride through the heavens to your help,
through the skies in my majesty
I am your dwelling place. 
And underneath are my everlasting arms. 

Deuteronomy 32 and 33

My presence will go with you and I will give you rest

Psalm 5:3 In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Christian leadership is founded on dependence on God. Dependence on God is contrary to leadership skills you learn in books and classes and programs. Christian leadership, and Christians in general because the Lord calls all of us to do great things for his kingdom, spends time praying Show me your ways not developing strategies, not sending emails, not making contacts. We do all of those things, but we pray. Christian leadership says, no matter how good this looks, how strategic this is, how much sense it makes, if you will not go with me God, I am not going. Because I value your presence with me more than anything else. It says I not only lay my requests before you, I wait in expectation. It is the only leadership I know that requires rest. God said to Moses and says to us, My presence will go with you and I will give you rest. God you know how small rest is in my life right now. And I have to see that for what it is: my own refusal to seek your presence above all else. My inability to understand that praying for the girls you have placed in my life matters more than being with them, doing homework with them, doing bible study with them. Lord, you know that I have blatantly chosen to ignore your command 6 days you shall work and the 7th you shall rest. Rest is not something you suggest for our personal well being. Rest is a declaration that my faith is in you, that you will do exactly what you want to do with me and with my life, that you will use me to bring more fame and glory to your son, that you will work through me and that I am already a member of your family and a bearer of your name. Rest is the means by which I learn to depend on you when I am convinced that I don't have time to rest. Rest means that I choose you over everything else in my life. 
And I am not resting. And I am not putting dependence on you first. 
So I beg you lord, show me your ways again and again. Show me who you are. Build in me a lovely, shocking dependence on you. One that speaks out into my classes, into my school, into my relationships. 


What a tragedy lord, that I am known for doing so much when I could be known for my love for you. 

Show me your ways, Lord. 

The prayer of Moses. Simple and lovely and true. 

Let all my love and desire be directed toward you. 

God, you know how thin my love has been for you.

You know how tiny my desire has been. 

Grow my love, grow my desire. 

You must not act as if you are alone, you remind me. 

You must not pretend the spirit of God is not with you. 

You must know the promises I have set on you. 

That you will be my people and I will be your God. 

That we will dwell together forever. 

That I know how to take care of you. 

That I have gone to prepare a place for you but I will NOT leave you as an orphan.

I am coming back for you. 

That though the mountains may depart and hills may be removed, 

my love will stay on you until past the end of time,

I have set my heart in love on you and my love endures

forever. 

Make me like your servant moses, who said,

Please, show me now your ways that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight. 

If your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here. 

For how shall it be known I found favor in your sight?

Is it not in you going with us?

Give me this heart, a heart that wants only to find favor in your sight. 

That will drop or add anything, if you go with me. 

That is restful enough to know you and allow you to know me

 that we may serve together.

Give me this heart that prays. 

My heart is not one devoted to prayer. 

You know my name. You have brought me under your name. 

The name that has already bore the weight of sin. 

The name where death became life. 

The name where hope sprung up. 

The name that is above all names. 

The name of Jesus. 

loving Christ alone

God, what do you want to say tonight?
Not my words but yours.

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

Oh, how he loves us.

It is worth my life that I know and that I do all that I can to let girls know the weight of His love for them. Its better than life.

Tell me lord, what do I do when I sit across from a 13 year old girl who has given herself away and who needs you so much. Who has no idea how deeply and fully loved she is? What do I do when I am in class with a beautiful 5th girl with a learning disability who is probably never going to catch up, never going to lead a "normal" life? How do I share the depth of the cross? What does it mean to obey you and worship you in the presence of college students who have everything going for them? Who have it together? What do I do lord, when I'm no longer making time for you. When I'm no longer writing you letters. When I'm not blogging. Reflecting. Drinking in the word slowly and delightfully day by day. What do I do lord with a man that is dying and wife that can't remember the names of her children who are lonely and forgotten at the time of their life when they should be joyfully awaiting entrance into your kingdom? How do I advance the gospel lord?

God I cannot express how deep my need for you is.
In this time where idols come and take hold of me. Idols that are such good things. The best things.

We think that idols are bad things, but that is almost never the case. The greater the good, the more likely we are to expect that it can satisfy our deepest needs and hopes. Anything can serve as a counterfeit god, especially the very best things in life.


Jesus, you have said that your name is Faithful and True. That you are beginning and the end. That you are enough. That is my hope for tonight lord. That I may grasp that 


you
are 
enough. 


And that I not only relearn it, but that it saturates my soul so that it is written on my heart as I speak to anyone. 
Jesus is enough. We have all we need in him. He has done all the work already. All our love can rest in him. 


The words of Augustine:


He loves thee too little who loves anything together with thee not for thy sake. 

lent-community with God.

I am valuable in Christs Kingdom. Every single day. When I succeed and when I fail. Today I failed. I forgot the things I needed to remember to schedule well. And thats okay. I am perfect in Christs eyes.
god, its hard for me to accept that you use failure to make me rely on you.
Its hard not to mourn the little mistakes I make.
I can be PROUD of my failures because they show that I AM NOTHING AND YOU ARE EVERYTHING. Who am I to say anything was a failure? Maybe you just have a different plan for the day or evening than I do. Maybe yours is infinitely better. The bible is full of people who failed. Huge mistakes. Heart breaking. And you use people who fail. And more importantly you love people who fail. because it isn't about what we do well and poorly it is about what you do and have done and will do.

You cannot and will never fail.
Your love will not fail me.

You aren't going anywhere.
Your love endures forever.
Lord, you have shown me that how strongly I react to failure shows where my heart can be found-
in what I do.
Thank you for revealing my worship disorder. That I am worshipping what I do rather than you.
I am worshipping myself and my desires...instead of you.
But this is the season of Lent.
And you have made it clear, through my dear friend Michael what Lent is about.

Michael, I don't even know how to do lent.
"What I usually do is look and think about my life and what is keeping me from having community with God. Thats what I take out of my life."
 Any hindrance to community with him. Or adding something that would build community with him. The point is to be more in communion with our lord. No matter what it takes.
Restore me to deeper community with you.
Eliminate the things in my life that pull us apart and come between us.

I know that right now, in the deep part of my heart, a voice whispers You're only good if...
followed by standards I'll never meet.
But you, lord, have told me what makes me good.
Christ alone. 
I must dwell in that this lenten season.

The Lord will establish us as a people holy to himself. 

I have such a desire to be writing but I don't know how to convey with words the expression of my heart. I'm overwhelmed. God is overwhelming me with his abundant goodness. Who am I, that you would love me Lord? Who am I that you speak to me? That you would move in my heart?
It has been so long that I have been so busy and haven't experienced God in a deep way, that as I let Him work in me tonight I remember what it is like to feel the God of the universe stretching my own soul, making it more like His. It doesn't seem possible that he could delight so deeply in humans. In me. The work that God does in the soul is deep. Its painful process, to be honest. Not that God causes pain but that I live numb to my sin most of time, so that when I feel it, when I realize how dark it is when placed next to the abundance of light that God is and God radiates, its uncomfortable. I realize that I have no hope of meeting the standard that God has required of me. I have failed. Fallen short. And so I turn to the One whose name is the Christ, who lived and died for me. The one who has my name, each of our names, written on his heart and because of that he allowed our sin to be written upon him as well.

And I wonder why I have been running and not running to God. I wonder why I've allowed this numbness to continue, when I could have Christ himself. And I wonder why I have allowed prayer to have such a small role in my life.

He reminds me tonight that life is only in Him. With Him. Through Him. There is no alternative. He's it. I know thats a hard truth. I want to be loving. I want to be clear that I stand as condemned as any. That I am an idolator, that I serve other gods and other religions and myself. That I allow myself to be chained to sin. I cannot judge or condemn anyone else, but I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't deserve to be with God because of my own sin and inability to do what he has required of us, to love him with all my heart, soul and mind and obey all that he commands.  And I do believe with everything in me, that He alone can free me. I do believe that sin is my problem and the problem of every single human being and that we can not free ourselves from it or overcome it. Only God can. And I believe that Christ is God becoming fully human and doing what I could never do out of his deep, deep love for me. And I think that he is absolutely worth my life. There is no other cause I am fighting for. Its just Him.

love letter for Valentines day

Little one,
Have you any idea how much I love you?
On a day where the world wants to talk about love,
Let me share with you the greatest love you'll ever know.
My love is steadfast and my mercy is abundant.
Let me lavish these upon your weary soul.
You have been seeking identity so desperately,
Looking for the thing that brings worth and purpose to your life.
Listen darling,
I formed you; you are my servant,
O love, you will not be forgotten by me
I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud
and your sins like a mist, 
return to me for I have redeemed you. 
I am the Lord your redeemer. 
Come and take refuge it me,
I will cover you with the shadow of my wings.
All my delight is in you.
I know your idolatry, it is plain before me.
Your sin is as evident as ink on paper.
But I will wash you and you will be whiter than snow,
I will purge you with hyssop and you shall be clean.
There is nothing that can separate you from the promises I have made to you,
Promises that you will dwell with me forever.
That I will heal you.
That I will gather you with great compassion.
I have sworn that I will not be angry with you.
I will set your stones in antimony, O storm tossed one.
How can this be? you ask.
How can I abundantly pardon?
What is the way back to me?

I am the way. 
Jesus said.
If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. 
I am the resurrection and the life.
I and the Father are one. 
My sheep hear my voice and I know them, 
I give them eternal life
and they will never perish,
and no one will snatch them out of my hand.

1 Thessalonians

O lord, my lord.
You know how tired I am.
But you know how there is this desire in my heart to write to you.
To praise you. To speak to you with these words that I type. Call you by name.
As you called me by name. As you spoke tenderly to me. As you provide me with all that I need.
I have the King. And I am worried about the smallest things. I am so concerned with basic provision when I am in the presence of the king. I dwell in the place where you are. You dwell in me. You have made my body a living temple, no longer my own: bought with a price. In Thessalonians we see the work of the gospel in a heart.
When the lord choses someone, sets them apart in love, the gospel will not be just words to them. It will come with power and the holy spirit and with full conviction. And people will know. "Your faith has gone forth everywhere, so that we need not say anything." Our work is only in coming to people, having a heart that is so affectionately desirous of them that we do desire to share not only the gospel but also our very selves. The rest of it is his. He does it all, weaving truth into their hearts at his own pace as he faithfully pursues them as he has been doing all their lives. We just join with the word of the gospel and a word of prayer.

 O Lord, my lord.

I have come to confess

The lack of love I have for the people around me.

Place in me a burning desire

For them to know you.

Enlarge my heart O God,

That I may see your beautiful pursuit of your people,

And the ways you will allow me to join you.

You know my complacency with the unbelievers in my classes.

And my professed passion for people halfway around the world.

Forgive me God.

As you stretched out the heavens,

And set the earth o nits foundation

Stretch out my heart-

Grow my capacity for love,

So that it is a little more like yours. 

Make me more lavish with your love, O God.

You don’t have to keep running.

You don’t have to be afraid.

My love is for you.

I have made you my own.

I have hemmed you in, behind and before.

I have changed your name from No Mercy

To Mercy.

From Not My People.

To My People.

And I am your God.

I have been calling you, seeking you, pursuing you.

Don’t you hear the voice?

I know that you think the name being called is not your name,

But it is.

With you, the old has gone the new has come.

I’m calling because I have betrothed you to me.

In righteousness and justice.

In mercy and steadfast love.

In faithfulness.

And you shall know the Lord.

My love is for you, my delight is in you.

You are my sons and my daughters.

-Jesus (based on Hosea 2)

Lord forgive me for not being lavish enough with your love. For putting boundaries on it. For hemming it in. Open the floodgates lord. 

psalm to the lord

Whet my soul, O lord,

When it is like a barren desert.

When they had no water,

The Isrealites struck a rock

And water gushed out,

Burst forth,

Overflowed.

Drench me.

Saturate me in your love

Take me into the wilderness

I think you may have to.

Speak tenderly to me.

Remind me of my first love.

Because now my love is busyness.

I am turned towards idols.

I turn this way and that

So scared of missing your path

Tossed to and fro, every day.

But you are a solid rock on which I can stand.

On which my endless tumbling can finally cease.

And I will look to you.

I will look at your face.

And you shall gaze at me.

And we shall dwell together.

Though I am still here,

In a more real sense, I will be dwelling with you.

And that will permeate every second of my life,

So that I do not continue to live as I am now

Anxious. Overcommitted. Indecisive. Overwhelmed.

Release me from the snares,

 from this load that has me on the ground

For your yoke is easy and your burden is light.

And the only thing I have been told to bear

Is my cross.

So that I can walk humbly with you.

You see my bondage to Egypt,

Though you broke the shackles

So so long ago.

It is my heart that keeps turning back.

Instead of looking to you,

The One to which I am bound.

As if I cant grasp that with you,

I am bound for the promise land.

You may have to carry me there, God.