I have such a desire to be writing but I don't know how to convey with words the expression of my heart. I'm overwhelmed. God is overwhelming me with his abundant goodness. Who am I, that you would love me Lord? Who am I that you speak to me? That you would move in my heart?
It has been so long that I have been so busy and haven't experienced God in a deep way, that as I let Him work in me tonight I remember what it is like to feel the God of the universe stretching my own soul, making it more like His. It doesn't seem possible that he could delight so deeply in humans. In me. The work that God does in the soul is deep. Its painful process, to be honest. Not that God causes pain but that I live numb to my sin most of time, so that when I feel it, when I realize how dark it is when placed next to the abundance of light that God is and God radiates, its uncomfortable. I realize that I have no hope of meeting the standard that God has required of me. I have failed. Fallen short. And so I turn to the One whose name is the Christ, who lived and died for me. The one who has my name, each of our names, written on his heart and because of that he allowed our sin to be written upon him as well.

And I wonder why I have been running and not running to God. I wonder why I've allowed this numbness to continue, when I could have Christ himself. And I wonder why I have allowed prayer to have such a small role in my life.

He reminds me tonight that life is only in Him. With Him. Through Him. There is no alternative. He's it. I know thats a hard truth. I want to be loving. I want to be clear that I stand as condemned as any. That I am an idolator, that I serve other gods and other religions and myself. That I allow myself to be chained to sin. I cannot judge or condemn anyone else, but I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't deserve to be with God because of my own sin and inability to do what he has required of us, to love him with all my heart, soul and mind and obey all that he commands.  And I do believe with everything in me, that He alone can free me. I do believe that sin is my problem and the problem of every single human being and that we can not free ourselves from it or overcome it. Only God can. And I believe that Christ is God becoming fully human and doing what I could never do out of his deep, deep love for me. And I think that he is absolutely worth my life. There is no other cause I am fighting for. Its just Him.