Our God is deep

So, I'm falling in love with Augustine and he writes by writing directly to the Lord. Which I do sometimes, but perhaps I should do more. Because I always have that little tug that says you haven't written in a while but then I think I have nothing to say to anyone. but there is always something to say to God. And I bet Augustine didn't think anyone wanted to hear what he had to say to God. But he's changing me. Not Augustine, but God, through the words Augustine wrote in his journal long ago because its that thing of being human that we all share. So he says something, and I think, yes. I know. Thats me too.

But first, a peculiar thing happened today. Which is that my 6-8:45 pm class was cancelled and I didn't know till I got there. And I had this sort of panicky sense of, now what am I going to do with these three hours. They had a purpose and that purpose has been stripped. But I started to think of all that I can do. And almost immediately the sense struck me that maybe God reserved these three hours for us. Like when you think you're going on a casual hang out and you realize you're at a nice restaurant and the reservation has already been made. But I thought...3 hours? thats a lot of time. I don't know about three hours just for God...and all these other thoughts came in...of people I could see if they were free and I passed someone running and thought about how I haven't ran in weeks and passed the library and all the reading I could get ahead on. Because 3 hours...gosh thats just long. I'm too busy for that. maybe God can have a piece of it...but the whole thing? And then I thought about all the stuff I give three hours to all the time. I was in class for 5 hours today. If a class assigns 3 hours of work, thats not even a question. There are few people who if they wanted three hours with me I wouldn't make it for them.
And say that God is the most important thing in my life. And act as if I am so busy that I just cant give him a lot of my time. And I wonder, is time a good way to measure what you love? Whats worthwhile to you?
Probably one of the best. How I spend my time shows what my heart is about. It really does.

Lord,
Your word is too much for me. I cannot grasp it. An hour and a half I have been sitting here, slowly becoming still. Slowly being ready to listen. Slowly reading of this Word of Yours. This Word that became flesh. You promised, long ago, to a man named Ezekiel that you will give the house of Israel a new heart. A new spirit. Your Spirit. Put Your Spirit within me. And that You will remove the heart of stone from my flesh and give me a heart of flesh. And then, I will be Yours and You will be mine. And so, Your Word, which was with You and was You, became flesh and dwelt among us. From His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. He made You known, You who have never been seen. He who is "in the bosom of the Father." He who came to us from Your bosom. To all who did receive Him, not just his own, He gave the right to become children of You. Crucial, because, the promise you made to Ezekiel was to Israel. THEY were to be Your people and You were to be their God. But now, all who receive this Word who mysteriously became flesh can be your children. We could not be more of your people than as your children. That changes our entire status. I cannot create a child the way I can create a painting or a toy or a statement. Jesus was not created by you. He was with you from the beginning and He is you. He was in the beginning with You. Even Adam and Eve did not have the relationship to you Jesus had. They were not Yours the way He is and was and always will be. So His taking on of flesh and as Augustine says,

His journey took Him first into the Virgin womb. There He took up the mortal flesh of human creation. He adopted mortal flesh so it might not be forever mortal. He embarked into life as a bridegroom into His marriage, knowing the joy of freedom that a great distance runner feels to launch out on the course. For He never slackened His pace. He ran on. His words and deeds clamored. His death and return to life roared. His descent from the Father and ascent back cheered. The Life cried out to us to return to Him.


(Confessions, pg 64)


was the moment and the fulfillment of the promise you made to Ezekiel but more than that. Every word you said was fulfilled in him. Every beautiful promise you made to us, that we get to be yours forever. And every terrible thing you promised,

You shall not be cleansed anymore till I have satisfied my fury upon you. I am the LORD. I have spoken, I will do it. I will not go back, I will not spare; I will not relent; according to your ways and your deeds you will be judged, declares the Lord GOD. 


All in one man at one time, who was not man but actually Life. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. So later John says (1 John) "the life made manifest..the eternal life."And so it was not just restoration to Eden Christ brought about but something much, much more. In the catastrophic moment of our irrevocable separation you began a work that would far exceed what we were even in the perfection of the garden, that we would become one with you the way that Christ himself is one with you. And not at no cost. Costing you yourself. The one from your bosom. In the same way that a child is worth infinitely more to a parent then they count their own life worth. Take me instead, a parent would plead if the life of their child is threatened.

Your depth is so beyond me God. The longer I spend in the Word, the more I realize that I will never plunge to the bottom of any statement uttered in here. It is beyond all that I will ever be. And yet, you have made me one with you. I who am nothing like you. My ways are not Your ways. My thoughts are not Your thoughts.

But not only do You know me, Your wish is to be known by me. Not only am I Yours, but You are mine as well. We possess each other. That should not be. Not only did Christ lower himself to us, he lowered himself lower than us that we now share in all his glory. In his status with you. There is no longer any separation between us and you because we are brought up into him who is one with you.

I write these things Lord, but I know that they are so beyond me. I know very little, but I know that you are my Love and that you are for me. I know that we must be crucified with Christ, and then we can cease to live and he can live in us. But that we cannot both live at the same time. When he comes into us, we surrender fully to Him. All or nothing. You cant come out of crucifixion alive. Only Christ is alive once we have been crucified with him. I know, Lord, that though it is beautiful to dwell in the Word you have so sweetly poured out and given us, I can write all this and continue to live in sin and dwell in darkness. I can write and detach all these truths from my life. Don't let me Lord. Come in and take over, God. This heart that refuses to trust you belongs to you. Take it when I refuse to give it away. Don't let this be religious jargon Lord. Transform my heart of stone. Every single day Lord. Sustain me in you til the day I come to be with you.

I love you God.

(**pretty much everything here came directly from John 1, Ezekiel 36-38, 1 John 1, and Confessions of St. Augustine. None of it is mine at all, I was just soaking in words God wrote long ago. Its most beautiful as it appears in the bible, so I ask you, go there and dwell in it. Stay for awhile. Let him speak his truth into your soul. He will. He'll take you where you are and love you there. He's more crazy about you than you'll ever know.)

not about me

This week, I have learned the beauty of the body of Christ. I have been loved so well this week. I've learned what it means to confess and be healed. I've learned that I depend on encouragement. I've learned that I can do nothing on my own. I've learned that I am really broken. And really unable to do anything for the Lord on my own will. Spiritual warfare is a really real thing. We are under attack. Our worth and our identity in Christ are going to be challenged in our walk with the Lord. I'm learning that inadequacy is a good thing if it means I depend on Christ. And also that it really is not about me. Because if it was about me, I think I would just give up. I am realizing that Christ is the best thing I could ever offer to anyone. That I really have nothing else to offer.

Okay here is the thing. Jesus is alive. Jesus is alive and its all about him. And I have struggled more this week than I have in a while. With my identity, my calling, all of that. Even with things like joy. Its really hard for me not to just exude joy. I'm used to being super grounded in Christ. Super in love with life. And that is marvelous. That life in jesus truly is gorgeous. But it is okay that its not easy. Its okay that theis is a desert sort of week and next week might be one too. I minister from my brokenness, I read in In the Name of Jesus. I am broken to remind me and everyone else that we are all serving jesus christ. And so that I can be with the broken and not be above them in any way. And that is what jesus did. Became broken so that he was one with us. I was so discouraged and then I saw across the coffee shop a man meeting a college student from my church and I know that there meeting is about jesus. And that all over Raleigh right now, all over the world, jesus is doing work. Redeeming his people to himself. And I dont know how I fit into that work but my identity is not in how I fit into the work that Christ is doing but in Christ. My identity is in Christ. I have been crucified with him and the life I now I live to him. And right now, that means that I write this little thing that says, I'm in a desert but jesus is still good. This little blog that says I have a friend named Ansilta who is getting baptized this weekend and who is on fire for the lord and who, every single day is bringing jesus into the life of everyone she meets and making much of him. That her life sings to him. That is beautiful. And thats not all. I have a friend named Caroline who taught me what unconditional love means. Who retaught me the gospel this week. Who knows me and loves me the same. And there is a pastor in Haiti right now who is proclaiming the word to his people. And a man named james who started a bible study in a tent city. And an orphan named Niaka who is alive and who I love. Who I love every single day. And an orphanage thats taking care of her. And we had a bible study last night, just a little group of girls crowded into a dorm room and we talked about our hearts. And new girls came. And I have a mom who just wrote to me and said shes going to start a group for moms whose kids went to college. And a friend who just told me all that the lord was doing in his life and teaching him and that God is calling him to be an engineer and proclaim jesus in that. And there is a homeless man downtown named samuel who is probably telling someone about jesus because he just told me about jesus last week. And a family that my friend Jacob told me about that adopts kids who are mentally handicapped and have like 7 kids. And are full time parents. And the more I think about the  more I realize it doesn't have to be about me. The more I realize that its okay if I am in  desert faith wise because jesus is. alive. So alive. here. In this coffee shop, in this city, all the time. And thats enough.

Of course I am inadequate. Of course I do not deserve to do anything for the kingdom of Christ. But God has chosen us. "But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen. Thus says the lord God who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you,  Fear not my servant whom I have chosen, For I will pour water on the thirsty land and streams on the dry ground I will pour my spirit upon your offspring and my blessing on your descendants. They will say I am the Lord's." Isaiah 44


And its great because jesus is like, look Krystal, you really need to stop thinking about your self because I have already made you my won and there is nothing you can do about that. Because it was my choice and I brought it about already. Its done. You cannot remove that. I've read before that self condemnation is just as self centered as pride because we act like we are broken beyond repair, and Jesus is like, you really are thinking too highly of yourself if you think that your brokenness is un-reedemable. Watch me. You will have never seen a greater work than this.

This is the little prayer conversation I wrote in my journal reflecting on Isaiah.
I have nothing to offer you Lord.
You have yourself. I demand nothing more, nothing less than all of you.
I'm not worthy to serve you.
I will pour my Spirit upon your offering. (Isaiah 44:3)
I don't know how to do anything.
Press on to know Christ crucified. (Philippians 3:9)
Thats it?
There is nothing more. 
Lord, I know I look for worth in what I do.
Beside me, there is no god. 
I worry I cant spend enough tons of time with you.
The word of the Lord stands forever.

desires of the heart

So often I can see where I am at spiritually by how I feel about blogging. When I am not resting in the lord, I can't write. Everything I start to say sounds false and off and I begin to doubt the value of writing anything at all or think that nothing I write is going to do anything for anyone else so why bother. And I dont have much to say about Jesus, usually because I haven't spent any time with him. Its a dangerous place to be. And I am often in this place when I am "serving" the most and praying the least. Some how the two seem to go together. When I am studying the most and in the Word the least. When I spend the most time with other people and the least with Christ. And even the desire to be with him somehow wanes. The more I am with him the stronger my need and desire and dependence on him are. Usually this happens when I have little else to focus on or hope in or be consumed by.
So the days and weeks when my productivity is way down, when my schedule is close to empty, when I am least self satisfied, are the times when there is joy and intimacy and dependence. Even writing this...doesn't feel right.

Tyler talked about the fact that the only thing that can enslave us is the desire of our hearts. He said we usually don't even know that root desire. He gave us questions to illuminate it:
Where do you spend your time online? Why? Where do you spend your time in general?
Where do you spend your money? Why? Why do you live in such a big house? Or buy so much food? Or spend so much on travel and vacation and entertainment?
Why are _________ your friends?
What are you trying to escape from or distract yourself from?
When are you happiest?
What do you worry about?
What can you not stop thinking about?
What are you addicted to?
What can you not live with out?
What makes you feel safe?
What is your hope in?

What does your heart want the most?
Or as my young life leader once said: "Fill in the blank-I can follow jesus unless it meant ________  or "If I had to give up ___________ I couldn't follow Christ.

Tyler said spend an hour going through this stuff. Figuring it out. Getting to know your own heart. Why you're doing the things you're doing. I'd say that doing so would be more than worthwhile. Might be the best hour spent in a long time. I haven't done it yet though. I'll write on here when I actually do.


Jesus,

When I think about prayer, I essentially always come with demands. Good demands, but demands all the same. "Make my life more like yours. Show me how to be obedient. Help me. Take care of my girls. Show me how to lead. Teach me how to pray." I don't even know what to say to you today. Sorry for never putting you first. For proclaiming that you are first when my life doesn't display that. Or more importantly, when my heart doesn't. I know that I can hide the fact that I am not always right with you. That I'm not making time for you. That there are desires enslaving me. I know that I hate even writing that because I don't want anyone to read it. But I know that where I am weak you are strong. I'm shocked by my weakness. Perhaps even appalled. Mostly because I deny it all the time. But I am weak, you are strong. Your grace is sufficient for me. You promised. I believe you. I love you.

Krystal

bible study.

Last year God started this lovely thing called Thursday night bible study where a couple of freshman girls met once a week to talk about God. Tonight we had our first meeting since we’ve been back from summer. The more I’ve reflected, the more overwhelmed by the beauty of it I become. Just a little group of us girls sharing a little bit of our hearts. Looking forward to baking for some freshman girls this weekend. With so much to do, but not too much to not meet together. And as I think about, it hits me that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to lead a bible study. Not worthy to have any part in other peoples spiritual growth. Not to disciple. Not to be a spiritual leader. But I get to. I get to be  a part of work God is doing in people’s hearts. Only because of his love for me and his ability to see something in me and to stir something in me that is of himself.

         A girl came who I knew all year and never even got to know at all. And said beautiful stuff. And has an incredible mission loving on and witnessing to a team where God is not known.

A girl who I am very close to amazed me tonight. Led well. Was transparent and shared her heart and about the work God has been doing and about what has been good. And seeing God move through her in the past year has maybe been the most evident and undeniable I have ever seen him.

         On nights like tonight, cliché as it sounds, I can’t believe this is my life. That I get to be a part of Gods redemptive work in lives. Nothing in school creates that deep sense of peace or purpose. Serving…the deeper into it I get the more discouraged. But jesus, the deeper you get, well, you get swallowed up in life.

first post from the new apartment

I've moved back to Raleigh North Carolina into a new home, an apartment I share with one other wonderful girl. And since Ive been back, I've been extremely anxious. I think that a lot of that anxiety stemmed from fear of being alone. I was terrified about my mom leaving, scared about being so far off campus, and have filled every second since Ive been here with people and being on campus and worrying about not having a enough to do, and just being here alone, but today for the first time I am. Alone in the apartment. And as I have spent the morning drinking coffee, journaling, reading ezekiel, I realized that I have been fearful for nothing. My favorite thing in probably the whole world is to be with God. And now I have this space where I can. Whenever I want for however long I want. I refuse to feel guilty about spending hours just here with the Lord. On the contrary, it is the single most important thing about my life. He is lord of my life. And the more time I am able to spend with him, the more I am able to be like him and to submit to his will and to get to know his word. I think this summer, I forgot that. Always with people. With family, mission teams, haitians, friends. And most of my life, I am not going to have hours to spend with God. Because very, very soon. I'll have a job. Or kids. Or all those other crazy things adults have. Which is wonderful. But for now, I don't. And I am going to take advantage of that. 

I fall for the lie all the time that the more I have going on in life the better I am. My life is about jesus. Thats it. Its not about the best job, being in shape, good grades, helping people-those are part of life with jesus, but first and foremost its about him. The first commandment, according to jesus, is to love God with all your heart and mind and soul and strength. The second is to love your neighbor as yourself. Thats the whole law summed up, he says. Because God is able to love people in a way that I cant. I cant save anyone, and I have no heaven to send them to even if I could. Thats one of the biggest things I learned from haiti. 5 weeks is a pretty short amount of time in the length of a life. If I go and say "depend on me" I'm setting them up for destruction, because I'm not staying. I'm only there for a little while. No one should depend on me. But if I say, as Rev. Louis Collins said in a gorgeous sermon a few weeks ago, "I don't have a heaven to put you in. I just have a Savior. And maybe you'll find what I have found."

lessons from summer.

The most beautiful thing about the epistles is that you can feel their heart a little. Paul and John, when they write, their heart is aching and yearning and moving for the people they are writing to. That depth in the lord. And I feel with them for school as it comes time to go back home to Raleigh, home that is sort of home. That I go back different and the same.
The same because I became a lot of who I am there in Raleigh. It changed me forever. God used it to mold me into something even more His. I came back to Chesapeake different mostly and only a little bit the same. Now I go to school the same mostly but a little bit different. Different mostly because of Haiti. Because its part of my heart. Because there are kids named Jeff, Chicowski, Delco, Lovely, Niaka, Sammy, and Woodlin that I love. A country that I love. A people that I love. A God that I learned a lot about this summer. A lot about Him from Deuteronomy and Ezekiel. About the obedience he demands. The absolute surrender to Himself.
I'm quieter too. I forget often, but still realize that I actually know very little about this world I'm living in and what God wants for my life. And I just have to let him lead me day by day, as He leads most everyone, according to the bible. I learn that there is no on and off switch for ministry or serving or pleasing God. I am part of his workmanship. And its always on. Always is about obedience, never about product. And its not about me. Whether I do good or bad. Not about me. And I cannot do good. He can do good in me. With me. Thorough me. And to me. But my heart, without him, protects self, loves self, serves self. He has no need for any work I can produce. Yet he loves me.
Hes good and He loves us. And Jesus is it. Press on to know Him. Say, I surrender all the way to you Jesus. Im not kidding. Say it again and again and again. Right now, get on your knees and do it. Til you feel it in your soul. I'm yours Jesus. And he will work that surrender and that desire to surrender into being. Miracle of miracles that he can do that in you and in me. He must increase, we must decrease. My life is not my own any longer. If I strive to be more of anything, I must strive to be more humble. Which is why those thorns remain in my life. Just like to Paul he says, no I will not remove those thorns because my grace is sufficient for you. Don't ask for anything else, I know what is sufficient  for you. It is my grace. Which is why I'm with my family, because nothing is more humbling than my impatience and selfishness with them. Rest because we cannot forget how dependent we are on him. Work because we glorify him with all the work that we do. Read the word. All the time. Memorize it. Love it. Go slow. Let it whisper to your heart-deep cries out to deep. Read the old testament. And the new. And pray. Prayer is maybe the scariest thing of all. No one wants to be alone with their thoughts for long. And where prayer feels like it fails, keep praying because the spirit prays on our behalf. Pray before work. Its stupid to think prayer is not part of work. And love. Love people like their sons and daughters of God. Brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul said, "I will gladly spend and be spent for your souls." We must make that our lives. Look someone in the eye, or conjure the image of them in your mind and say, God, I will gladly spend and be spent for their souls. Listen to people instead of talking. Pray for them. All the time. What else have I learned? Its messed up to love playing with kids in Haiti and not with my younger siblings. If you run towards God, you'll serve more than if you run towards serving or towards people. He knows them better than we do. He loves them more. We've got no heaven to take them to, no matter whether we extend or improve their life a little bit. Whoever it is, they've got a savior and its not me or you or anything on this earth. Because everything here will die one day. Its fading even now. Days are numbered. But there is love everlasting in one named the Christ.
Thats some of what I learned this summer.

absolute surrender

I have stumbled upon a beautiful text this morning written by Andrew Murray called Absolute Surrender. Read it here.

http://www.blueletterbible.org/commentaries/comm_view.cfm?AuthorID=18&contentID=4613&commInfo=21&topic=Absolute%20Surrender

Its long, but so so worth it. But in case you don’t want to, I’ll go into a little bit and the way God is stirring in my heart. I really struggle and worry about what God wants from us. And I get very concerned about the church, especially the church ehre in the u.s. The only church I really know anything of. And I want to know what our life is supposed to be. The life all of us are called to who submit to the lordship of jesus Christ and my life. What it means just in me. In the secret moments when I am alone, in every interaction with people, in future job and calling in school and with family, all of that. I don’t want to miss it. I don’t want to waste time or wish I had run harder or settle for mind numbing distractions and the false glitter or human success or accomplishment.

And so I am reading this commentary and the writer says,

But in Scotland once I was in a company where we were talking about the condition of Christ's Church, and what the great need of the Church and of believers is; and there was in our company a godly worker who has much to do in training workers, and I asked him what he would say was the great need of the Church, and the message that ought to be preached. He answered very quietly and simply and determinedly:

"Absolute surrender to God is the one thing."

That is Gods demand. Are we willing? To pray that right now? God I surrender myself and all of my life to thee. Take me, Lord. Do with me as you will. I am all yours. And normally I think to myself, Yes, that is beautiful. But praying it? I’ve prayed it before, meant it, and then slipped back into complacency. And “normal life” but this text addresses that really well. It says that God expects my surrender, accomplishes my surrender, accepts my surrender, maintains my surrender and blesses when we surrender. 

Ezekiel and Romans

I've been reading the book of Ezekiel and what strikes me is what God says to Ezekiel which is

 I will send you to them and you shall say to them, Thus says the LORD God, And whether they hear or refuse to hear they will know that a prophet has been among them.

And I was thinking about this morning and these past couple of weeks and what its looked like to love people. And the fact that God doesn't ask Ezekiel what he wants his work to look like. What he wants to say. How he wants to present Gods word. He just says, don't be dismayed or afraid, you just speak my words regardless of whether they hear or refuse to hear.

I always have in mind what I want it to look like. There is something in me that thinks if I am meeting with girls or with my family or serving then I'm already doing what Gods want and I can decide what I say or be upset when it isn't deep enough or God filled enough or when I don't really want to say what I know is truth because its awkward or outdated or whatever and I base how "ministry" is going on response received. Which is the opposite of what he tells ezekiel to do. And he says ezekiel, you are not a servant to Israel you are a servant to me. You need to be with me and learn what I have to say not what you think they want to hear.

I think that somehow I feel I need to defend Haiti and the Haitians all the time, and God clearly says that I am not a servant to Haiti. I am only servant to him. And I am bond servant to him. If that means never saying another word about Haiti, I trust that he is still good. Because who am I to say whether God is or is not good?

Who are you, O man to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, Why have you made me like this? Has the potter no right over the clay to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?
Romans 9:20-21

You are God, I am not.

See now that I, even I, am he,

and there is no god beside me;

I kill and I make alive;

I wound and I heal;

and there is none that can deliver out of my hand.

In Dueteronomy. I dont know why its so calming. But it takes the pressure off, and the attention and the spotlight off of me. Whether or not I write, wherever I live, whatever I am doing, He is God and I am not. 

He is God and I am not. 

I am not self dependent. I do not rely on my power, my ability to pull myself out of guilt or pain or despair or anxiety. Only he. My work is not my own, it is his and he is working in me. I have nothing to fear. Christ has overcome the world. I couldn't stop him from what he wants to do if I tried. He told his guys, I am leaving to prepare a place for you. There are many rooms in my fathers house. And they said, we dont know how to get there. We dont know where youre going. We dont know the way. And he said I am the way. Service is not the way. Sacrafice is not the way. Pleasure is not, success is not, knowledge is not, money is not, fun is not. He is the way. The only way. Nothing you or I do will get us there. we must be carried. What does he demand?

"If you love me you will keep my commandments.""If anyone lovs me he will keep my word and we will come and make our home with him. At first I thought, I have so much to change before my soul is a place for God to dwell before I realized he already moved in. Into all that in there that should break his heart. All the adultorous thoughts against him. He moved in like it was a home waiting for him and set to work with care as if it is very own. Which it is. 

I had a sweet friend tell me the other day that he just didnt know if God even existed. I wish I could tell him that God is love. And God is dangerous and risky and unpredictable just like love. And will make you do things you wouldnt do otherwise just like love. And that if he is searching for meaning and life and beauty, which he is, which we all are, Gods the only place youre ever going to find it that grows deeper instead of wearing off. I wish I could say that you come as you are. I wish I could say that its better, hes better than whatever else youre giving your heart to. I just want people to know. 

In first corinthians paul says to them: For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame. 

its a haunting statement. Especially considering his statement right before...I protest brothers, by my pride in you, which I have in jesus Christ our lord, I die every day! Is it worth that? It is. How was convinced.  My soul recognized God and realized everything else, only provides temporary limited joy. Satisfaction. This whole little world is limited. Its days are numbered, as are ours. And yet, the search continues here. I think the soul keeps searching til its gets to God. Til all the other options run out on it. Til its left alone, with nothing but God to choose from. There are the circumstances we choose him in, yet his delight shines down on us. 

Paul also says, right after, what you sow does not come to life until it dies. God does the rest. Thats why were called to be obedient daily. 

My mind tends to run and run and run. Especially at night. And somehow I fall under the illusion that I can "think things out." Im finding the danger in that strategy. Idolatry. Putting my heart and mind and soul into whatever subject or person is written all over my mind. I think the best option is to get out of it. Its been a hard night and I found a page of songs from Raleigh Worship in august, and I sung my way through them alone in my room. Or scripture. Getting lost in that. Just forgetting about myself. Thats the only way out. 

close

God, my desire to write is less than it used to be. I don't want any intimacy. Writing is intimate. It requires me to know my own heart. To let you know my heart. I know that if I keep you at arms length, I cannot have the blessings you have for me. I will not be able to hear and obey you. I'll learn about you, study you like an item under a microscope or historical figure or work of art, because studying is safe. If I study you, I 'll probably never know you. It scares me that I don't know what you want me to write about. It makes me afraid that I am further from you than I realize. But maybe I knew that already. Maybe where my heart has been and my actions are an indication.

God I know that I am like Martha, but I wonder, is Martha like me? Jesus, did she hide behind all that serving because it was her favorite way to please you without putting her heart out there? God did she need to be serving to be happy? What was she going after? what filled her?

Jesus I love you so much because you loved Martha just as much as you loved Mary. You loved Pilate as much as you loved the Samaritan woman. you love me. Even though I have my own, ver polished, very impressive way of not getting to close. Of not really needing you. Of pretending that no transparency in human relationships means tons of it with you when it is just the opposite.

Overcome my weak knees lord. Draw me into a closeness with you that shatters all the walls and all the service and all the scholarship and leadership and character and all those things I am seeking that I stamp your name upon, until I am seeking just you. Just you God. And know that I cant get you without huge awareness of my self. Which I have no desire for. You made me for intimacy. I cant escape that.

I cant do this on my own. Its been too long of keeping all out that I don't know how to let you in. You know me better than I do. Come in. Do whatever it takes. I give it all to you. You can do what I cannot.