So often I can see where I am at spiritually by how I feel about blogging. When I am not resting in the lord, I can't write. Everything I start to say sounds false and off and I begin to doubt the value of writing anything at all or think that nothing I write is going to do anything for anyone else so why bother. And I dont have much to say about Jesus, usually because I haven't spent any time with him. Its a dangerous place to be. And I am often in this place when I am "serving" the most and praying the least. Some how the two seem to go together. When I am studying the most and in the Word the least. When I spend the most time with other people and the least with Christ. And even the desire to be with him somehow wanes. The more I am with him the stronger my need and desire and dependence on him are. Usually this happens when I have little else to focus on or hope in or be consumed by.
So the days and weeks when my productivity is way down, when my schedule is close to empty, when I am least self satisfied, are the times when there is joy and intimacy and dependence. Even writing this...doesn't feel right.
Tyler talked about the fact that the only thing that can enslave us is the desire of our hearts. He said we usually don't even know that root desire. He gave us questions to illuminate it:
Where do you spend your time online? Why? Where do you spend your time in general?
Where do you spend your money? Why? Why do you live in such a big house? Or buy so much food? Or spend so much on travel and vacation and entertainment?
Why are _________ your friends?
What are you trying to escape from or distract yourself from?
When are you happiest?
What do you worry about?
What can you not stop thinking about?
What are you addicted to?
What can you not live with out?
What makes you feel safe?
What is your hope in?
What does your heart want the most?
Or as my young life leader once said: "Fill in the blank-I can follow jesus unless it meant ________ or "If I had to give up ___________ I couldn't follow Christ.
Tyler said spend an hour going through this stuff. Figuring it out. Getting to know your own heart. Why you're doing the things you're doing. I'd say that doing so would be more than worthwhile. Might be the best hour spent in a long time. I haven't done it yet though. I'll write on here when I actually do.
Jesus,
When I think about prayer, I essentially always come with demands. Good demands, but demands all the same. "Make my life more like yours. Show me how to be obedient. Help me. Take care of my girls. Show me how to lead. Teach me how to pray." I don't even know what to say to you today. Sorry for never putting you first. For proclaiming that you are first when my life doesn't display that. Or more importantly, when my heart doesn't. I know that I can hide the fact that I am not always right with you. That I'm not making time for you. That there are desires enslaving me. I know that I hate even writing that because I don't want anyone to read it. But I know that where I am weak you are strong. I'm shocked by my weakness. Perhaps even appalled. Mostly because I deny it all the time. But I am weak, you are strong. Your grace is sufficient for me. You promised. I believe you. I love you.
Krystal
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