I arise on the wings of the morning to sing to you, my King. I arise to sit in your presence and know the Love that I have longed for all the days of my life. I arise today, your daughter. My identity is in you. I have seen You. I see you in the stillness. I see you in the glitter of the water on the lake. I hear you as the rustle through the leaves. As the sun dapples the forest on the path ahead, I know that you are so present. I feel you as I dive into the deliciously cold water of the lake and say who is my Father that he would make this for me? I know you as I walk with a new friend and testify to your utter goodness in my life. As I tell her of the ways that my heart has left you time and time again in search of another lover, and you have come after me again and again, never leaving, never forsaking me. I know you as I come back from an hour spent with you and immediately a girl I have been hoping to talk to asks me to walk so that we can talk about life and sadness and pressure and following you. Yes, God. Your presence is what I long for. Yes, Lord, my life is all for you. I smile at your humor, your delight, as I walk with the 3 men from the church, hearing about their testimonies and having them ask about mine. I smile as I think of the barriers-cultural, linguistic, all of them that you overcome as you go before me and behind me and by my side. The only response that makes sense is to praise You, Lord. Why would do anything else? I am seeing freedom that comes when it is all about you and not about me at all. Secretly, my human desire always wants it to be about me. I want to be the one who helped. To be the one who was used. To be the one that is significant. What chains I bind myself in when I live for my significance and my glory-pursuing the kingdom of me instead of the kingdom of God. Oh, how sinful my nature is. I know that it is true that there is nothing good in me. That apart from you I can do nothing except chain myself and fall down before idols that steal and kill and destroy. Oh wretched one that I am. Thanks be to God that he delivers me from this bondage. For the law of the spirit of life has SET ME FREE from the law of sin and death. The mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the spirit is life and peace because the mind on the flesh is hostile toward God. When my mind is set on me, it is hostile to God. However, I am not in the flesh but in the spirit. Not because I chose this path, but because the spirit of God dwells in me. Christ is in me. My body is dead because of sin, but the spirit is alive because of righteousness. He who raised Christ gives LIFE, true, real, deep, poignant, spiritual life to my mortal body that was so far beyond hope. The greatest miracle I have ever witnessed-Christ's spirit in me.

The more that I do mission work or pursue kids for the Lord or share the gospel, the more in love with Him I fall, as I see his utter, deep, abiding goodness. I see that He truly, truly saved me against all odds. And I just love Him. I think again of his last interaction with Peter, one of my favorite things recorded about Christ. How Peter betrayed him and probably thought that it was the last time that he would see Jesus, that in the end, after years of their closeness and bond, Peter chose himself over Christ in the most crucial moment. I can't imagine how crushed he was. Then to see him again. I imagine that maybe Peter wasn't sure how it would be..how Christ would act. And you read into the intimacy as Jesus looks at him and asks "do you love me?" redeeming peter, not casting him off. Not reminding me of his lack of love or faithfulness to Christ. Laying it aside. Showing him that he died for Peters sin, just as he died for my sin 2000 years later. And not only that but sets him on mission, "Then feed my sheep, peter." I wonder if Peter was shocked that he would be counted worthy to serve Christ. I wonder why I am not more often shocked that I have been.

Lord Jesus, I love you. Take more from me that I may be more yours. Set my heart upon your love, so that nothing else compares. If you are for me, who can be against me? Because you intercede from me, nothing will ever separate me from your love. Thank you.

Wesley's Covenant Prayer

I am no longer my own, but yours.

Put me to what you will, rank me with who you will; 

put me to doing, put me to suffering; 

let me be employed for you or laid aside for you;

exalted for you or brought low for you;

let me be full, let me be empty;

let me have all things, let me have nothing;

I freely and heartily yield all things to your pleasure and disposal.

And now, O glorious and blessed Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, you are mine and I am yours. So be it.

And the covenant which I have made on earth, let it be ratified in heaven. Amen.

Sweet Lord, 

My throat catches on "let me be laid aside for you." I'm not there yet, Lord. Yielding all things to your pleasure and disposal. I think that you don't love me as much when you lay me aside for you as when you employ me for you. I know its not true. The hurt of being laid aside is a good kind of hurt. The tugging of the attachment to being employed for you. You have something much better than employment for me. I get You, forever. I settle and seek the lesser love, missing the far greater thing, the chance to offer all of myself to you. To be not my own but yours. If I am yours, you use me or don't as you wish. Take all in me that is not yoet yours, all that holds onto the let me be employed for you and is saddened by being laid aside for you. The far better thing is that it is for you. You are enough. You are enough even when you lay me aside. Detach me from my self and my identity, attach me to you. Detach me from people that I seek to prove my significance and worthiness and usefulness, attach me to Christ. Let there be no more me to cling to because I am so fully yours so deeply one with you that it makes no difference to me whether I am employed or laid aside, full or empty, doing or suffering. I love you. Amen

joy inexpressible

Today was the kind of day that you remember for the rest of your life. We had great breakfast with the team, drove and walked around downtown where I had a wonderful conversation with one of the team members named Becca who shared her calling and passions, waded in a cool, sparkling river-deep and rushing and got to delight in the Creator of this spot. Then we drove past the Roma camp, a slum, and my heart just ignited for slum ministry and Gods heart for them. I heard the words of Isaiah "I have appointed you to bring good news to the poor, to set the captives free." The scripture that Jesus read then sat down and simply said, today this scripture is fulfilled. And knowing that I am one with him and God calls me to bring them their Savior just as he called Christ. I began to get clarity and learn and see my own heart, my unique gifting, foretastes of the Lords plan for my life. We got to go to the "Niagara FAlls" of Montenegro (seriously thats what the sign calls it and everything. They have a hawaii here too.) which was basically this stunning gorge that had deep, aqua blue water down at the very bottom and me and one of the team members were able to do a little climbing around the gorge which just brought me such delight (I love rock climbing and NEVER would have dreamed of doing some in Montenegro in one of the most beautiful spots I have ever been), went back to Vladimir and Marianna's house for a fantastic lunch of stuffed peppers and really sweet hour of rest in which I dwelt deeply in Psalm 119 then headed to the church. At the church we had an hour of worship that was indescribable and filled with the spirit in really incredible ways-being able to really pray over the city and the country, worshipping really freely, being able to pray over and with Caroline, just glorifying God. Burning white hot with a passion for Him and his glory in the midst of a city where he is almost entirely unknown and not worshipped. Not wanting that time to end and realizing that ultimately it will not end. that followers of Christ will spend forever worshipping him. After that we were able to meet the small community that makes up a large portion of the Montenegrin church-about 12-15 people. And they are incredible-such a reminder of the first churches in the new testament. A little group that loves the Lord and has surrendered their life to him. Women praying for their sons and daughters to know God. People being missional in their workplaces. A 15 year old girl named Sara who I have already come to adore sharing her fear about persecution in her high school (as she is probably the only christian in the entire school) God really pouring his favor on Caroline and I as we spoke scripture to her, prayed for her, and grew to love her the way God does. Seeing the humility and the boldness and the excitement of this church. Realizing that the chance to meet new christians is extremely rare because there are so few in the country. Humbled by the fact that these women listened so well to us and were so thankful to have us. Then finishing the evening with a wonderful dinner in a lovely downtown restaurant, having gelato, seeing the city nightlight, having another heart to heart with Caroline on the porch and seeing what a small view I had of the depth of friendship and christian community by our closeness and true oneness in this. And now writing to a group of people I love dearly. What a day. Filled with the Word, with passionate prayer, with an evident Spirit dwelling in me. Seeing the bride of Christ, the church, of Montenegro. Letting him delight me with my favorite things-culture, food, nature, climbing, water...Giving Him everything. Inexpressible joy. All my love. Set your hope on the only One worthy of it. You were made for this. You were made for Him.

Oh, praise Him.

Today was a day of praise. A day to praise the greatest artist of all time by loving his artwork and delighting in it. Montenegro just may be the most beautiful country in the entire world. Today we were able to drive along the coast from the capital across the border to Croatia to pick up the mission team we will be serving and working with for the next week and a half-one high schooler, 4 UGA students, and their leader who is head of an incredible ministry in the southeast called SWAT that does weekend retreats for youth. I must admit I was wary and apprehensive about getting back into the car for 8 hours of driving and the lord made it one of my favorite days of the whole trip. We drove along a farm filled valley along the mountains then down to the Adriatic sea which is lined with beautiful villages filled with Mediterranean homes, looking so much like Greece where I have always dreamed of going. We had a half hour in one of these towns while our pastor met with a woman and headed down one of those sloping, winding narrow roads, delighted with surprises at every turn-unique homes and unexpected cafes and mini farmers markets and a fantastic central square down at the bottom. We had pizza with the team overlooking the water, enjoying a soft breeze reminding me of the power of the gusts that I now hear and feel as I write on my favorite back porch. But it was not just a day of seeing beauty and soaking in a little paradise. It was deep. The day was rich and it was missional. It was a day to speak to Mike about the future and allow him to speak to us from the Spirit. As I asked question after question about the people that he worked with in ministry and on the mission field and learned about these incredible lives fully surrendered for Christ-people who have literally gave up everything, moved to a foreign land and commit everything they have to serving the lord and making disciples he said to me “It seems like maybe that is the life that you are drawn to and called to.” And with a fluttering heart that was scared of the weightiness of that observation I knew that I had nothing to say but yes. He reminded me of the words sent to Ananias about Paul from Christ-“I will show him how much he must suffer for my name” and again, my spirit knew that it would be true for my life. Oh how much you give to live a life of missions. The question we return to is this “Does the cross draw you or repel you?” Because unlike most things, missions is not about a satisfying and fulfilling life. Its about dying to yourself. In a million ways a million times. Its about letting go. And when I am honest, I am terrified to let go of the comfort and the relationships and the independence and control I have living in the states. At times I say, Lord, maybe I cannot or should not go…and yet the pull is deep. The reasons for staying away from missions are always about me and my comfort and the pull is always the lord and what he is doing. Amidst the breathtaking beauty of the cities we also know that there is not a church in most of the cities. Not a church. Most likely not a Christian. Not a single one. Sobering to say the least. And convicting. To remember that nothing here will last-that I have one life to live and it is His now…and he will show me how much I must suffer for the name. I have never been so drawn and so repelled by one thing. And I know that right now is a season of preparation. A season of prayer and discernment and equipping as I spend my next two years in college. And yet I know that one day, there will be a call to go. I don’t know where. But I know the call. Come with me, Christ says. Follow me. There were some that Christ told to stay in their hometown. And there were some he said to come with him. To leave everything. And when they looked at him, the realized that having everything and not him was nothing compared to having Him and following Him and living for Him. And I know that is the heart he has given me. A heart that loves people with a love that is HIS not mine. A heart for churches where they are persecuted. A heart for the cities where no one knows their Lover and Savior and Lord. I saw a little girl in the car while on the bus and somehow we connected-smiling, hiding, laughing-fast friends across the windows of two cars in a foreign country with another language and utterly different lives. And then so soon her dad turned and I waved and just as the car went out of sight I saw a little hand wave back. And I think of this girl and it hits me now that she will never hear about her the One she was made for who loves her more than anything else in the city she lives in. And the Spirit is flooding this trip with moments like these and showing me all these kids and families who God loves. Some of whom he has chosen since before the beginning of time. But how can they believe if they do not hear? And how do they hear if no one speaks? And how can one speak unless they are sent? And there I am with a love so deep for a people not my own and a love so deep for the One who brought me out of the pit, who cleansed me and adored me and has seated me on high already to reign with him forever and I cannot fathom living for anything else. Why would I do anything other than what will last eternally? And what will last eternally except people? And a world of opportunities and of people who are following hard of Christ is here and there is a place for me here if the lord leads me to it and its scary and crazy and good. And who knows. Perhaps in 2 weeks or 2 months or 2 years everything will have changed again and the lord will lead me somewhere completely unexpected-His will not mine. Thy kingdom come, Father. Thy will be done. For THINE is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen. 

From Montenegro...

As I write, I am sitting on the little deck of the apartment we are
staying at near downtown Podgorica in Montenegro listening to the
gusts of mighty rushing wind come pounding through-singing and
whistling and rustling. Where to begin? After spending the night in
Poland, we woke up, had a wonderful european breakfast, and begun to
drive and drive. We drove through Poland, then Slovakia, then Hungary
and spent the night at "Hotel Sunshine." We woke up early in order to
go into Budapest, perhaps the most beautiful city I have ever seen.
What a gift it was to walk around a central square then drive up and
see the Citadella which overlooks the whole city and the Danube river
which goes right through the city. After the sunrise in Budapest we
hit the road again made it through Hungary into Serbia and finally
into Montenegro. We drove through an incredibly diverse landscape from
plains to rolling hills of farmland to absolutely gorgeous mountains
in Serbia and Montenegro and got to see a major culture shift as the
homes went from farm homes to stucco houses with orange terra cotta
roofs that looked far more like what you would imagine in Italy-it was
an incredible progression from the Baltics to the Balkans. We did
manage to make it all the way to Podgorica to the home of Vladimir and
Marianna-the couple who leads a small Brethren church here that we
have already grown to love. They have taken great care of us and are
full of wisdom and godliness. We also met Violetta, our hostess, in
whose apartment we are now staying. We stayed the night with her and 3
girls from Denmark, all of whom left this afternoon to lead a camp for
Roma youth. We were able to see them off, and I immediately fell in
love with the Roma (or Gypsy) community. They are a beautiful and
fascinating people, but a very hard, hard group to love or do ministry
with because of the centuries of distrust of other cultures and the
lifestyle that is based on stealing and deception. Their community
reminded me of the tent cities in Haiti. Its hard to describe the
feeling when I go into an impoverished community-an outcast people
living basically in slums-but I know that I am never ready to leave-I
long to stay with them and know them and listen to them and respect
them and introduce them to Christ. But for today, just to meet them,
two absolutely gorgeous little girls in particular, two laugh with
them and bridge the language barrier together and listen to them say
my name-that was enough for today. Today was day of learning to
embrace the hardship of being in a culture that is not your own-not
just today but the entirety of the trip thus far. There are timeless
lessons that I'm in the process of relearning-die to yourself, live to
Christ. Not my will but His. He is made perfect in our weakness. Its
not about me. Its not about feeling useful or important. Its about
being His. Always and only and fully His. Its about the joy of the
lord is my strength when I am sitting in the car for 14 hours. Its
about serving the locals even if its not what or how I expect. Its
always about the relationships. Always, always. Tomorrow the team from
Georgia arrives. We head to Croatia to pick them up. Pray for clarity,
discernment and joy. Pray for the youth and the church members we will
get to serve this week and next. Pray for Vladimir and Marianna as
they lead the church here. Pray for the country of Montenegro that has
less than a hundred believers. IN THE COUNTRY. Pray for me, that I may
know the love of Christ more, that I may be poured out as an offering,
that my focus and my heart may be on Christ alone. Thank you and I
love you. Thank you for your wonderful responses-what an encouragement
to me. And know, as I am learning, that the Lord has always called us
to EXACTLY where we are. He shows no favoritism with people or with
places. He loves the people that you are with today and tomorrow and
this week deeply. Enough to die for them. And wants you to die to
yourself on their behalf, ushering them into the Kingdom with the
fragrance of Christ and the light that allows you to shine like stars.
He has given us each so, so much purpose. And we can do the most right
in our hometowns and home cultures with the people we know and are in
deep rela

what I hear from the lord

This is not a dramatic revelation, its just me using the Word, that is so sweet and so good, to speak the gospel and His Truth to myself when I am struggling. Perhaps, wherever you are, the lord whispers these words to you as well. I pray that He draws you nearer to Himself and you are able to see and taste and know His delight in you, deeper and brighter and better than anything the world can give. 

You are here for me. I need you to know that you are here for me and me alone. Not for the church, not for the youth, not for the team not for the country. You are here for me. As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall I rejoice over you. Today. I know that I have taken your comfort. I know that I am not allowing you to live the way you want to live, frustrating your expectations and humbling you. Everything that I do to you, I do for you. Do you know your name? It is not Forsaken. I see you darling. I see your bitterness and frustration and hurt because you think that I have Forsaken you, or you think that because of your own fault you are forsaken. No little one. Your name is My Delight Is In Her. That is your name. Because I love you with an everlasting love. And you have turned to other things. Such as this trip being the way want it.

Lord, why did you bring me here?

Oh little one, do you know how many before have asked the same? Do you not remember Moses? How often the Israelites asked why I brought them into the wilderness? Remember little one, I let many of them die there. Why? Because I am lord. I am YAHWEH. I was enough for them. There is no “God and.” Its just me. Not me and a satisfying life. Me and an impressive mission. Me and a safe and healthy family. Just me darling. I am not your accomplice. If I were, I failed you. But I am your Lord. I have freed you, dear. Freed you from pleasures that make promises they cannot keep. Freed you from self-obsession and self-exultation. You of all know the bondage of the world. You have seen its tinseled promises. You have seen the darkness and brokenness of life apart from me. Come to me. Just come sit with me. I will rock you. It will be more than enough for you. Trust me. I am more than enough for you. Better is one day in my courts than thousands elsewhere. I will prune you so that you can bear more fruit. Don’t be surprised by the pruning. I promised it was coming. It is here. Know that even as I prune you, I love you. I pour my love upon you. I hold you when you are sad, even if you are sad about losing your idols and your lovers. I love you through that. Because I have lobed you while you were still a sinner. My son died while you were turned away from me. 

first day in Europe

In a tiny little hotel room in Poland-first night in Europe. Such an incredible day. Got on a flight in Chicago yesterday, arrived in Helsinki Finland this morning, flew over to Tallinn Estonia and started the three day drive to Montenegro. Today we went through Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, and are now in Poland. Some of the most beautiful and mysterious countryside I have ever seen-filled with forests, and unique little houses and deep conversations. Got to see the most vibrant rainbow of my life and conquer a fear of being inactive/sedentary for long periods of time by being on planes and in cars from 8 am thursday morning until past midnight tonight. Learning flexibility. Mostly-falling in love with the lord again. Letting him show me his creation, his work of art. Countries are his canvases. Seeing the beauty of Christian community-one of the most marvelous and miraculous things of all time. Spending the first half of a birthday just with God and seeing the sweetness of knowing that he goes before me and with me and after me-surrounding me and keeping me under the shadow of his wings. Reading the words of John Piper on missions and having a whole new lens on the supremacy of God in all things and the fact that the most missional we are is when we are most delighted in God-because He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. Being reminded that for the Christian life is war. In all seriousness. What is at stake is huge-far more than earthly life but eternal life. Souls at stake. Seeing this drive as a time for prayer-a time for preparation to die to self. Knowing that God in His goodness will delight me this trip. He loves to delight me because I am his daughter. But this is not about my delight. It is about his glory. And the war that is being waged and the forces that are trying to stifle that glory in me and in others. Learning to embrace the call to suffer. The privilege it is to suffer for His Name. Learning that the crucial thing-in these next weeks but in all the days of my life is abiding. Jesus said, Abide in me. Apart from me you can do nothing .Oh, how true it is here. There is nothing I can do unless God chooses to do it and would like to use me. He is the vine, we are the branches. And we will be pruned. Always to bear more fruit. And he has more in store for EACH of us than we can ever imagine. I always have the sense of excitement with foreign callings, always feel the pang of jealousy or wistfulness as I hear of the adventures and mission trips and travels of people-and yet these things in themselves are utterly empty. If it is not the Lords it will not last. This means that the opposite is equally true. If it is the Lords, nothing can stop it. If I am the lords and not my own, my life will be meaningful. Wherever that is.
To live is Christ, to die is gain.