to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.

Christ is faithful to us, even when we are not faithful to him because he cannot disown himself.
This morning is one where I simply, humbly come before the Father with Christ. Knowing that I have nothing to offer my Father that would make me righteous in his sight. I come on a day where I know that I am not content with what he has given me, and I am sinning against Him in my constant discontent with the Giver who gives me what I need, not what I want. I came bitter and irritated. Uninterested in his gorgeous words that he has carefully chosen for me in order that I may know him. I am frustrated because I wanted something other than a morning with my Father and my family. As I write it, I'm ashamed. Who am I to want anything else? Surely, there is nothing better than this. My love for God gets so tangled up in my need to be useful, meaningful and needed, day after day, week after week. My need to be smart and strong and affirmed. And when God is separated from those other things, my affection for him changes. Not because he is not good, but because I am not good. And in my sinfulness, I forget that he is not here to meet my need, that I am here to glorify him. That he loved ME first. Sent his son first. Brought me to himself. Chose me when there was no logical reason to choose me to save me. Its all about Him.

I'm sure I've posted this quote many times before but it continues to be one that God uses to speak into my life time after time...

All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that. 

I don't know why this is extra precious to me this morning but I love what Peter says to Jesus. 

But there are some of you who do not believe.” (For Jesus knew from the beginning who those were who did not believe, and who it was who would betray him.) And he said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless it is granted him by the Father.” After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, “Do you want to go away as well?” Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God. 

Are you going, he asks? Do you see the cost? I know that this is hard. Harder than you imagined. I know that you're tired. I know that I ask for everything. Your entire life. All that you have, all that you are. I know that I bid you come and die. 

And we get to look at him and say, Jesus, to whom shall we go? You, and you alone have the words of eternal life. Where am I going to go Jesus? Yes, its harder than I thought. Far more humbling. For more sin in me than I cared to see, than I imagined. We are far more broken and far loved than we can comprehend. And ultimately its the question that he asks. Who do you say that I am? and Do you want to go away as well? 

We get to look at him and say, To whom shall we go? 

No matter how hard it is, how enticing another life is, how good it is-all the time we get to look at him and say, to whom shall we go? When God did not spare his own Son for us, and he is for us, who can be against us? 

work and rest

How do you heal? Well, the beautiful thing is that Jesus heals. We don’t heal. We cannot heal ourselves and no person can heal us and no method can heal us and no behavioral therapy or psychology or medicine heals just jesus. Which is why I will not be a very good social worker because I don’t believe in the philosophy that underlies social work. Which is fine with me. God called me to be a disciple, not a social worker. And I will study social work for the glory of God because he calls us to care for the poor and social workers care for the poor, the broken, the captives. So we know how to heal. We get as close to Jesus as we can. Through the word. The word is beyond precious. It transforms hearts. And we pray. And we write. And we be with people we love, and we go deep with people who love him. And we serve people who are growing, walk with them. This is all part of healing. And healing involves lots of resting which is my least favorite thing because I am afraid of healing because I believe lies. God promised me both work and rest. As Bonheoffer said,

“Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. He will only do harm to himself and to the community…But the reverse is also true: let him who is not in community beware of being alone.”

And I would venture to say that this is equally true for rest and work. Work, of course, is never secular because nothing secular for the Christian. All is spiritual. All is an opportunity to obey and worship God, or to obey and worship self or other idols. And all work is ministry and missional, because we are with people. Likewise, all rest is spiritual and either obeys and glorifies God (who commands us to rest, I always remind myself). When I reject rest, I reject God. Who designed rest, in His infinite wisdom. He could have made us to not need rest. Or sleep. Or food. But He did. And as he says over and over again in Scripture, He does what He does to bring glory to himself. My rest glorifies God because it allows me and my life to say, He is God and I am not. He is powerful and I am weak. He deserves all the glory. He has done all the work. I am His. He chose me. He saved me. He is redeeming me. For his own glory.

So, let him who cannot rest beware of work. And let him who will not work beware of rest. 

being a sister

I praise you because of who you are and who I am in you.

I’m learning the wonder of small things.

You have made me a sister.

A sister to 5 eternal human beings that you love deeply.

You have given me a unique opportunity to share life with these 5 in a way that no one else can, to see them and know them in a beautiful way.

I don’t need to ask you for more than these right now.

These are the ones that you have given to me in this moment, for this weekend.

I don’t need to do ministry today.

I was made for more than ministry.

I was made for Christ himself.

And you are the giver. A giver of very good gifts.

Even when I do not see your gifts as gifts at all.

I trust you as the Giver when I don’t know whats best for me.

And I trust that you have put me in the place you want me.

Learning to trust you.

“Whats God calling you to do?”

Love him. Love orphans and widows. Love the distressed and the brokenhearted.

Love his daughters. Privileged to love daughters of the Most High God. I’m sitting next to one right now. Shes whispering as she reads, telling me when her book says something she finds funny.

There are 4 of his sons outside. One of them happens to be my brother. They are playing football. Being kids. Being what their Father made them to be. Glorifying Him simply by doing what he made them do. Play. Have fun. Delight in life. They are here, in a house that serves the Lord. And I know that I need to pray for these sons who most likely don’t know their Father or their Savior yet. And He allows me to show them Himself. Both by my love and my words. The two combined. He says, Krystal, you get to live out the gospel every day for the rest of your life. Don’t show favoritism, little one. Don’t favor the rich, don’t favor the poor. Love the one sitting beside you. Pray for the one far from you. Don’t favor international over America. Don’t favor urban over suburban. Its all mine. The creation is mine, and the fullness thereof.

And He lets me see, just every once in  a while. My brother and I were talking yesterday. We have a new bonding activity where I run and he longboards. I love it. We were talking about parents and I said David, seriously the only thing that I care about as a parent is…and I paused so he finished my sentence “that your kids live for Christ.” And as I think about that I am floored. Mostly that God chose to save me. But also that He is alive in me. And that my brother knows. He knows my heart for the lord. That’s so sweet to me. That I don’t have to sit down and say, David can we talk about God? That I can just run hard after Jesus and he will see and he will know my heart and what I am about.

I spent an hour talking to someone yesterday and when I left it hit me so strongly I have just been in the presence of one who intimately knows the Lord. And he didn’t tell me that. I know little about his life or his faith or anything. It was something deeper, something deeply different  about him. A radical humility. A prayer for the presence of the Holy Spirit. A clear reliance on the Father. Just spirit led. I know that the lord is faithfully working in me, shaping me into someone that knows Him intimately as well. That is more marked by love for Him than my love for anything and anyone else.

the greatest privilege

Sometimes all that we can do is confess our inadequacy. What a glorious confession it is. As I pray to you, Lord, I don’t know how to lead girls to love you and follow you in Chesapeake VA. I don’t know your sons and daughters here the way you do. But I know that you are greater than I am, and that you know what I do not know. I know that your Spirit dwells in me. God, I so want every minute of the day to be what you want it to be, wherever I am. As I spend these hours here in my house please show me Lord how I can glorify you with them. How I can draw near to you. How I can follow your commandments. I get to meet with girls, God, but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to disciple them or encourage them or be Christ like with them. I know to be quick to listen and slow to speak. I know that you call the older women (spiritually) to pour into the younger women. I know that you remind me that there is nothing beyond Christ crucified, that I need no lofty arguments or sophisticated thoughts or plans for discipleship-all I need is Christ crucified. God, I am home with my family and I don’t know how to live missionally with them, how to live out the gospel with them. 

But I say this all with absolute joy because YOU KNOW. You, my King and my Father, are all powerful. You supply every need. You promise you will supply every need. And sometimes its just matter of showing up. Showing up in the lives of the girls that I love. I don’t know the ins and outs of discipleship. Of following Jesus. Of a life fully surrendered to him. The precious words-“I no longer live but Christ lives in me”

What mystery and comfort. Because if I no longer live, my fear of failing at following you is dispelled. My fear of my inability to share the gospel is gone. You can save people however you want to. Any person, anywhere. You could appear right now-reveal yourself and the fullness or even an ounce of your glory, of Christ and what he was done and they would fall on their knees and profess you as lord. But in your way that is not my way, you have chosen your people who know you and your Son as the way by which you will save all of those that you have chosen. Not one of yours will be lost. They are already sealed with you, hidden in Christ. Its done. All the work is completely done. So I cannot fail, because I am joining you and the battle is already won. There is no more fear because you are sovereign. So I confess my inadequacy with joy. Such joy. What mystery. That you would say, my darling, I’ve given you four weeks in your hometown. It is a gift from me to you, my daughter. Because I am as a Father should be and I give my children bread not snakes. I provide for them. I delight in them and they delight in me. Look at this gift, this gift that you didn’t expect and you’ve rejected so many times.

And I can only look at you and say you’re right, Dad. It’s a privilege. It’s a privilege to surrender to you. It’s a privilege to drive to Grassfield high school where I went to school, where I was redeemed by you and freed from the yoke of slavery and sin and pick up freshmen girls. The same girls that I have known since my senior year of high school. Who have a desire to follow you. And I desire to meet with me and to open up your Word. And Satan so wants to steal my joy with legalism and replace your gospel with another gospel that is based on works and purity and perfection and my own version of the circumcision the Galatians turned to. And Paul says to these men and women who have heard the true gospel-don’t fall for that trap where Christ is of no value to you. Don’t let your joy be stolen. Rejoice, again I say rejoice. Can you not see the mystery that God has chosen you and placed and appointed you RIGHT where you are to contribute to his redemption of his people. He is using you to redeem sons and daughters. You get to go with the Shepherd to search for the lost sheep. You get to go with him as he sweeps the house for the lost coin. And he finds them, doesn’t He? Always. Always finds his own, brings them back. Nothing can stop him from going after finding the one that he lost. And you are a part of that! The only mission that will not fail and will not fade and will not disappoint. The only one worth living for.

God says to me

Remember little one,

There is no greater privlidge.

Nothing better than being in my will.

Nothing better than being where I call you.

Then being right where you are right now.

It gets no better than this.

Being a part of my redemption of my people.

And glorifying me BY loving me and delighting in me.

And you get to do it every day.

Every day darling.

For the rest of your life. 

longing for others

How desperately do I want people to know Jesus?
How much am I longing for the specific people God has placed in my life?
How often do I ask God, what would it take? What do you need lord? How I can help you? How can I give radically, give faithfully, pray with confidence that you will do what only you can, bringing people to Yourself?
How much do I really want you for them?

So long, O Lord, I have seen the lack of desire for people to know you, submit to you, love you, die to themselves for you. I have been blind to the lack of MY desire and MY passion for them to know you and submit to you and love you and die to themselves for you.

Deepen my longing lord.
Make it just a tad bit more like yours.
A longing in which deep cries out to deep.
Where every other passion and concern of mine pales in comparison to my desire to know you and be known by you and for my brothers and sisters to know you and be known by you.

Use my life as a testament to the joy set before us, as we follow our Lord, and go to the cross despising its shame.

Use me lord, who doesn't know how to be a daughter as a vision of how satisfying it is to be your daughter. So that every girl who hasn't had a family to cherish her daughter can see and know what it is to be adopted into your family.

I know my faith in small when I consider what you can do in changing hearts, quickening souls, bringing people to yourself. I keep thinking that there is no hope for change in so many of the people that I love.

Whom you have chosen, nothing can separate you from completing the work that you have begun. No one can separate one from the love of God which is through Christ. If you didn't spare your own son, what will you withhold from us? Nothing shall separate us from you.

prayer

Lord, what can I do with youth here in Chesapeake?

Disciple girls.

I don’t what that means or how to do it.

Pray with them. Walk through scripture with them. Love them.

Lord, I’m angry at myself today for wasting the last 2 hours worshipping idols being emotionally burdened and feeling lost.

There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I don’t know why I am here or what you want me to do here.

You will never fully know.

Why not?

Because I am God and you are not.

Is there where you want me to be?

Yes.

In Chesapeake?

Yes.

Do you know how hard this is for me? I don’t know that I can bear it.

Cast your burdens onto my Son. His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

I failed you today.

You are being prideful. You are acting and living as if your salvation rests on your performance, your behavior, your emotional control. Don’t you remember what I said? You’re best deeds are menstrual rags. If you continue to work and work and work-Christ will be of no advantage to you. You will sever yourself from him.

Darling. I love you too much too let you do that.

I want to draw near to you.

I know you do love. Do you see your competing desires that keep you from me?

Yes, Lord. I see the way I seek worth elsewhere. I see how you are not enough. I see how I value impacting the lives of people more than I value being with you.

I am enough for you. I will supply every need.

I live in a world that doesn’t believe you will supply our needs, that you want us to fill them on their own. I live in  a culture that says its offensive that you not let us pursue our pleasures. That you demand devotion and obedience. But I know Lord that it is not that our desires are too great but that they are too small. That we are so satisfied by the most fleeting joy, the most bitter humor, the most shallow intimacy and you have abundance for us if we would just turn to you.

Remember what my Son said-“whoever drinks of the water that I give will

never

be

thirsty

again. “

You are a God who sees me

God is love. God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. When we are bogged down by the meaninglessness of our lives we can turn our faces to the Son and honestly say, “I have nothing other than you Lord.” You are all that gives meaning to my life and I love you. You have done what I could not do. Justified me. Fulfilled the righteous requirement in me. Cared for me better than I could have hoped. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I fear no evil for YOU are with me. YOUR rod and staff, they comfort me. You anoint my head with oil, my cup overflows. Scripture is deeply good.

God who sees me.

There was a woman who had her worth stripped from her named Hagar. She wasn’t Sarah. She wasn’t the one chosen to bore Isaac. She wasn’t the wife of Abraham. She was thrown out, because of Sarai’s jealousy of the child that she had with Abraham and she was alone in the desert when she encountered the God of Abraham, the one true God. And this is what she said about this God.

"Truly, here I have seen him who looks after me" 

and she calls the well where He found her "the well of the Living One who sees me"  Gen. 16:13-14

You are the God who sees me.

I don’t know why those words are deep and poignant and life giving to me today but this God who sees me is a delight to me. To be seen by God, to be known by Him and heard by Him and loved by Him seems to be too much. It doesn’t make sense that the God of the universe, who stretched out the heavens and pours down the rain, who is willing and powerful to destroy and to make alive, to break and to heal, this great God is the one who sees me. The same one who saw a mother alone with a son in the desert. Neither of them wanted. Neither of them loved. Neither of them given purpose or worth by the standard of the world. But seen by God. Loved by Him. And I think of our relentless pursuits as we spend our years here on this earth. As we pursue happiness. And we pursue intimacy. And we pursue purpose. And we pursue entertainment and distractions and relaxation and thrill and pleasure. And I think about how being a human is to be marked by a longing. Deep, intense longings for these things. And awareness when we don’t have them. Awareness of something being not right about the world we live in. And searching, always searching and daring to hope for more. For a job that will fulfill us. 

I spend most my time in the university world full of young people, not children but not adults either who just want to know what they are supposed to do with their lives and want to have job that is satisfying and good and will make them happy and give them security. And I look at marriages and see the pain of men and women who are wondering whether this is really it and who are wondering why its so much harder when than thought or who are so lonely or who thought it would be different than it is. And I look at kids. Inner city kids and small town kids and rich kids and how they want to be loved. I look at my little brother and my little sister and I see how they want to be loved and how they want to be accepted and how they search for these things and how they already sense that they aren’t going to be good enough or pretty enough or talented enough. Which is such a lie. And then I look to the One I gave my life to. I look to this one who I can call the God who sees me. And who sees my baby sister and my growing-up-too-fast little brother. Who sees my young life girls and their pain and their anger and their laughter and where they put their hope. And who sees the woman named Ms. Linda in Blue Ridge Senior Center whose body can’t function without machines, who can’t talk but who can still hold a hand except that right now and tomorrow and the next day there is no hand to hold. And who sees the mom who lost her daughter this time a year ago and still is just functioning, just going through the motions. And who sees the daughters and sons who lost their mom too soon to cancer. Who was fine 7 months ago and is gone now.

The God who sees.

The God who has always seen and will always see and NOT ONLY sees but also loves. Loves more than we know. Loves more than we would dare to hope for. Loves enough to send his own beloved so that all that is wrong will be one day made right. And we won’t the sun any more because we will be with the radiant One. And there will be no more tears and no more loneliness and no more of fear of inadequacy and all will be restored. And how he does not wait till that day but stitches and restores and redeems are broken hearts day by day, hour by hour, entering into the darkness and brokenness and sadness and making it right. 

I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. I give it all to you God trusting that you will make something beautiful out of me. 


I don't know how to write to anyone but the Lord anymore, but I am not sure that I need to write to anyone else. I had my wisdom teeth out, and I have been left somewhat helpless the past few days. Which is humbling, so humbling. Especially after a week of whirlwind for the lord-loving kids, saying goodbyes, going to Hunter Elementary for the last time, going to Moore Square for the last time, spending three days loving on a group of 6 high school sophomores and a camp of 51 high school sophomores and knowing that the opportunity to meet them and know them was a divine appointment by God himself, that he could speak into my life through them and speak into their lives through me always sending this message of absolute love and absolute power and absolute commitment to his own glory. And though it is exhausting, I love it. I love running hard after kids for God. Its what I was made for. To love kids really well. To make them my family. For a day or a week or a month or a year and soon, very soon, I will be taking in kids for life. And I can't wait for that day. When I get to model my father in heaven by adopting just like he adopted me. But ultimately its about THEIR adoption into His family, never mine which does not compare with his. So then I came home and I got my teeth out so I have been tired. Unable to do anything. Unable to eat real food. Unable to read or write really. Unable to serve. Which always seems to me like the worst place I could be in, but I know that the Lord LOVES when I am in the place of utter uselessness because he is able to look on me and love me. Able to cover me with the shadow of his wings and whisper to me that he is still so good to me, even when I am in my least favorite, most useless state. He reminds me of the gospel, as he loves and loves to do and will continue to have to do all of my days. The gospel that says, its not about you and what you have done. This is love-that God loved you. That Christ came and died for you. That you died with him and now your life is hid with him on high. Thats the promise, thats the glory. All the glory goes to him, none goes to me and I get that in a fresh and at first terrible way when I am home and have to be taken care of. He reminds me that life is both-serving and being served, loving and being loved. Not just one.

He says to me:

Daughter, we have much work to do here. The work of knowing each other more. (I already know you fully but you have much to know about me). the work of casting down the strongholds in your mind. The work of taking your thoughts captive to christ. The work of throwing off the sin that clings so closely. The work of identifying and calling out the lies. It is all about us. See this time as a precious gift. As time for prayer. As time for my Word. I will use you exactly how I want to, I promise. Learn to trust me and my promises. You let where you are and what you are doing make or break you. So much of your joy is wrapped up in what you are doing. Wrap your joy up in me. Make me the one that determines your joy because I am unchanging and mighty and good. Don't become confused about goodness. I am good. I am truth. I am love. I am just. Don't create your own standard for these things. Don't listen to the standard of the world. Listen to the soft, still voice. Remember, Elijah dear one? Was I in the wind or the roaring or the earth shake or the fire? I was in the thin silence. Wrap yourself up in me. I have so much in store for this week and the next and the next. Trust me, follow me, draw near to me. Know me and love me. The world will see that you are mine. I love you my darling, if you don't know that my love is all that you need and that it has nothing to do with what you do, learn that darling. Don't let your pride in your work suffocate you and don't let your idols demand your worship. You are mine-all mine and only mine, bought with the highest price.