I lean not on my own understanding. My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven. I give it all to you God trusting that you will make something beautiful out of me. 


I don't know how to write to anyone but the Lord anymore, but I am not sure that I need to write to anyone else. I had my wisdom teeth out, and I have been left somewhat helpless the past few days. Which is humbling, so humbling. Especially after a week of whirlwind for the lord-loving kids, saying goodbyes, going to Hunter Elementary for the last time, going to Moore Square for the last time, spending three days loving on a group of 6 high school sophomores and a camp of 51 high school sophomores and knowing that the opportunity to meet them and know them was a divine appointment by God himself, that he could speak into my life through them and speak into their lives through me always sending this message of absolute love and absolute power and absolute commitment to his own glory. And though it is exhausting, I love it. I love running hard after kids for God. Its what I was made for. To love kids really well. To make them my family. For a day or a week or a month or a year and soon, very soon, I will be taking in kids for life. And I can't wait for that day. When I get to model my father in heaven by adopting just like he adopted me. But ultimately its about THEIR adoption into His family, never mine which does not compare with his. So then I came home and I got my teeth out so I have been tired. Unable to do anything. Unable to eat real food. Unable to read or write really. Unable to serve. Which always seems to me like the worst place I could be in, but I know that the Lord LOVES when I am in the place of utter uselessness because he is able to look on me and love me. Able to cover me with the shadow of his wings and whisper to me that he is still so good to me, even when I am in my least favorite, most useless state. He reminds me of the gospel, as he loves and loves to do and will continue to have to do all of my days. The gospel that says, its not about you and what you have done. This is love-that God loved you. That Christ came and died for you. That you died with him and now your life is hid with him on high. Thats the promise, thats the glory. All the glory goes to him, none goes to me and I get that in a fresh and at first terrible way when I am home and have to be taken care of. He reminds me that life is both-serving and being served, loving and being loved. Not just one.

He says to me:

Daughter, we have much work to do here. The work of knowing each other more. (I already know you fully but you have much to know about me). the work of casting down the strongholds in your mind. The work of taking your thoughts captive to christ. The work of throwing off the sin that clings so closely. The work of identifying and calling out the lies. It is all about us. See this time as a precious gift. As time for prayer. As time for my Word. I will use you exactly how I want to, I promise. Learn to trust me and my promises. You let where you are and what you are doing make or break you. So much of your joy is wrapped up in what you are doing. Wrap your joy up in me. Make me the one that determines your joy because I am unchanging and mighty and good. Don't become confused about goodness. I am good. I am truth. I am love. I am just. Don't create your own standard for these things. Don't listen to the standard of the world. Listen to the soft, still voice. Remember, Elijah dear one? Was I in the wind or the roaring or the earth shake or the fire? I was in the thin silence. Wrap yourself up in me. I have so much in store for this week and the next and the next. Trust me, follow me, draw near to me. Know me and love me. The world will see that you are mine. I love you my darling, if you don't know that my love is all that you need and that it has nothing to do with what you do, learn that darling. Don't let your pride in your work suffocate you and don't let your idols demand your worship. You are mine-all mine and only mine, bought with the highest price.