Take Back the Night

I sit on the ground and I am ready to leave
But I know that I cannot leave just because I don't want to listen anymore
And I watch girls in their sorority sweatshirts get up and go
Because they have checked the box they had to
and they showed up
and I want to judge them but I cant because I see

Myself

in every girl who gets up to leave
and we sit on that ground and listen to girl after girl stand in front of us
and tell this group their story about how their heart was broken, about what is stolen from them
girls tell us the stories of how they were raped
and I don't even want to write that in this blog because that word is an
ugly word
and it makes people uncomfortable and we don't want to talk about it or hear about it
and I want to tell them to stop, that they don't have to share what happened, but maybe they want to share what happened
maybe they need to
maybe they know that someone else will have the courage
maybe they know that their voice represents the girls who can't or won't
And I asked myself, why am I here?
To listen.
Thats really it. And also that if they only people who care deeply about assault are the ones assaulted...
but the hardest part was when they would say, "my story has a happy ending" and they would say how now they are dating someone who asks for consent and someone who is sweet and someone who cares and that we should all just wait because there are really bad guys but there are also good ones and once you find the right one everything is going to be fine
and I just think of the woman who was bleeding who grabbed hold of Jesus and he sought her out and he called her

Daughter

and I think of the woman who was being stoned and that he said
he would not condemn her
and I want to tell every single one of these girls that I'm sure they've got nice boyfriends but that the king of the universe is
 in love
with them.
That they are pure and perfect in his eyes.
That he bore it.
On the cross.
And that he loves the ones who hurt them.
And that forgiving, which I cannot pretend to understand and realize is beyond difficult, does bring healing. Because he promises it does. And because their crime did not go unpunished. It was placed upon the brow of our Savior.
And I was sitting there and I thought to myself, Jesus you are bigger than this pain and this sorrow and this darkness. Your kingdom is the kingdom of light. Hope is in you. Hope is not in any relationship here. Only in you. 

The best thing ever

Jesus is for you. When he promised that he had a plan for your life, that promise holds more wieight than anything anyone has ever told you. I've been struggling since September with what to do this summer, and last night it came into stunning clarity. I had been so upset by constant prayers and all the time I "wasted" considering and pursing different options. I just didn't understand why it wasn't clear. But I kept praying. And my mom (who is definitely one of the wisest people I know) kept saying maybe you just don't know yet. You'll know. Which is the most frustrating thing to hear because I kept thinking, no I won't. What if I never feel at peace about it? If I was to know, wouldn't I have known by now, as we approach April? Most of my friends had summers worked out and flights booked months ago. Then last night it was clear. And because I had been praying and wrestling and looking at Scripture and wondering, I knew. And if God cares enough to have a plan for me this summer, you better believe that he has a plan for your life. Waiting sucks. But the reward of waiting is sweeter than honey. I had been thinking it was such a waste but nothing is wasted with God. This experience has taught me something very new about waiting on the Lord, about discernment from the Spirit, and has given me this confidence to say to anyone I meet that Jesus is for them. That there is nothing to fear because he is the only thing that matters. It is quite important that we discover and embrace the fact that life for Jesus is really really hard. But there is no alternative that compares to the sweetness, the beauty, the quenching, the community of life in Christ. He will care for you. He will do more with your life than you can ask or imagine. Evangelism has such negative connotations, and I think it is rooted in the fact that we as humans made it a goal in itself and a competition and a way to make ourselves great. But that was never what it was supposed to be about. Disciples of Christ never have evangelism as a goal. The only goal is to press into Jesus. Nothing else matters. You tell people because you love them so much that you want them to know Him more than you want anything else. You love people regardless of how they feel about him or about you because he is crazy about them, and the more you press into Him, the more you fall in love with them and see them as he does.

Jesus is better than anything else. He loves you better than anyone else. He knows you. The mountains will literally dissolve before his steadfast love departs from you. He has called you his bride, and made us his people. Not because of the way we acted but because of who he is.

 He would rather die than live without you.

So come to the water. He knows that you are thirsty. You can say that you are not, oh, how many times I have tried to tell him that I am not thirsty as I anxiously sought everything that looked like a stream becoming more and more dehydrated. But we as a people are thirsty. We are anxious and scared and trying very hard to distract ourselves and to find things we can use to prove to ourselves and everyone else that we are worthwhile.

You're right. You are worthwhile. You have immeasurable worth and value. Not just to people and to this world, but to the King of the Universe. When God looks at you, he sees his Son, who switched places with us. There has never been anything that pleases God the way his Son does.

I'm learning that I identify with the sinners in the bible, not the saints or the angels. Paul's story is my story. I've been persecuting Jesus by pursuing myself and seeking my greatness at all costs. In my humanness, I want to destroy people. Why else would I devalue and stereotype them in my mind? Why else would I talk and think about the things I don't like about them? If I think about my family, I realize how many times I have chosen to use words with the intention of hurting them. Family is hard because we know them the best and therefore have the most power to hurt. But the story does not end there for you or for me. Because JEsus is not like us. He is God. His love is infinite and perfect for his creation. The world tells us were alright, that there is nothing wrong with us. Jesus never says that. Wherever he went, he healed people. That meant acknowledging that they were not healed and they were not alright. We hate being told there is something wrong with us and think we can hide it because most of us are not paralyzed or lepers. But is our brokenness minimized by our ability to deny its existence? What if Jesus had just told everyone they were fine? There is no love in that.

Back to Paul, He says why are you persecuting me? But he does not leave Paul blind on the road or let him continue to destroy himself by destroying others. He says, "You are a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name."

Jesus was for Paul. He is for you. 


If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?


NOTHING will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

(Romans 8 31-37)

the homeless

For the first time in my life I was asked if I was homeless. I am not. And I don't live the life that the homeless do. And I can never forget that as I interact with them. Until today, I didn't know what it felt like to be offered food or asked if I was okay. I decided earlier this week that I would go to Moore Square sunday. Thinking that it would be a warm sunny day and there would be lots of people out and I could connect with people I've met before and meet new people. But today was not nice outside. Its dreary and freezing and raining. And the last thing I wanted to do after church was go stand outside in Moore Square. But the people who are homeless don't have the luxury of deciding whether or not they want to be outside. I decide if I want to go to a shelter to volunteer. They don't have much of a choice. I decide if I want to go to third world countries. I decide when I want to go to South Raleigh or Hunter Elementary. And the fact that it is a conscious choice that I make creates a barrier between me and the people I encounter. A tension. So I really can't think of myself as noble or as great because I "serve" more than other people. Am I not just serving myself? My need to be needed and to be helpful and someone who helps the homeless? We are destroying the dignity by dehumanizing this whole group of people into just The Homeless. So anyways I went down there today and there was hardly anyone out there. But it was closer than I usually get to experiencing a sliver of what life is like. Just standing there in Moore Square. And no one could really figure out what I was doing there. And I don't really know either. I wasn't there to hand out sandwiches. Because the problems don't get fixed by giving out sandwiches. So I'm not homeless but I'm not there to help the homeless either. I guess I'm there to be helped by the homeless. Because I have a lot to learn from them. They have a lot to teach me. They matter to JEsus, just like I do. Not more and not less. He has a plan for them just like he has one for me. They are not my mission or my ministry. They are sons and daughters of the most high God. Nothing less. And I wasn't with a group of people, I was just alone. And I just stood there. Talked to a few people. And realized all I had was my bike, and campus seems so far away on this freezing rainy day. A lot of these people don't have cars. They don't have the control that we have over where they go. I don't know yet what it looks like to minister to the impoverished. I don't know what it means to clothe the naked or loose the bonds that bind people unfairly. But I'm learning that its very different than anything I have ever known. I'm discovering the self-seeking nature of all my service. And that I only want to stay for a little while. Outside, that is. I guess I'm realizing that I have to depend on Christ. That he is beautiful. That he is patient with me and my ignorance. He's crazy about me. And that he is better than anything else. He's the only place where life is found. Thats all I know for sure. And that I'm not going to save the world. Jesus already did. He's the only one who could.

of course I don't have it figured out.

Jesus, you said whatever is not planted by the Father will be uprooted. I am not the master gardner. I want to be, but I am not. I have all these things I want to plant but I cant. I am lost and torn and I hate feeling like I have it together and then getting torn down. I hate feeling like I have wasted all this time and energy and thought on stuff that will just be uprooted because it is not yours. I plant these little plants in my mind and I hide them from you and keep them for myself and you come in and just rip them right out of the ground. You say, I love you and I love you enough that I am going to destroy yours plans because I know that mine are better. Why am I so afraid of failure? You never fail. It may look like a failure. In fact, it will. The life you lived and the lives your disciples lived looked like failures to everyone else. According to the measures to the world, they were failures. But it was not for you. Let me seek your voice and learn to listen and let your soft still voice drown out all those other voices, even the good ones. Even the ones that are trying to help. Why am I so desperate to please people? If I try to make everyone happy, I won't make anyone happy. You don't need any more people pleasers. You need people who know your heart and who will listen to you, even though it means they will disappoint and offend and irritate people. 

There is still a part of me that thinks you die once and then you just to get be a part of the resurrection of Christ for the rest of your days.

We die every day. 

I keep having these awful thoughts about blogging. I think that my words suck and that its not beautiful or deep or moving. I think that no one ever reads it. That its a waste of time. But the blog has one purpose, and that is to point to Jesus. To point me to Jesus and to point readers to Jesus. And if someone is carried even a little bit closer to Jesus through reading the blog, that has nothing to do with the beauty of my words or depth of my posts. And if anyone reads it and is more impressed by the post than the Savior the post is about (or should be about) than thats a tragedy. Paul said that Jesus chose the weak to shame the strong and the foolish to shame the wise, so that no one can boast except in Jesus. So I can rest in my weakness and foolishness and continue to press on in writing and just be real and vulnerable and commit to know absolutely nothing but Christ and him crucified. What a relief. And I can say, Jesus write this post, and please don't let my words or my thoughts or stories get in the way. Just do your thing with it. 

We die every day. Every time we think we have it together or figured out, that has to get ripped out of us. Isn't lovely though that we are not tasked with winning people over to Christ? The great commission says Go but it also says Lo. 

Lo, I will be with you always. you will die and will live in you. My spirit will dwell in you, and will lead the mission I have given you. It won't make sense to you. It won't bring you glory. But I will never leave you. And I will do more than you can ever ask or think. And my father will be glorified. You couldn't stop that if you wanted to. Though you set out to stop me, I have hemmed you in and held your hand, and made you an integral beautiful part of the mission you set out to destroy. I could have left you alone, but I came after you and pursued you and will never leave you.

I am for you, who can be against you?

We never know what he has in store for us.

I discovered the most beautiful thing. When you are real with people and with jesus about where your heart is, Jesus doesn't leave you there. Earlier today I was talking about how I just wasn't doing so well spiritually and tonight Jesus said,

I dont want you to go to sleep not knowing that I am in love with you for who you are right now, today. If you let me, I will call you Beloved and you will know that you are mine. I have a purpose for you. You are not without a purpose. You are not without work. You matter to me. I have made you a crucial part of my kingdom. You will not be glorified, just as I was not glorified while I was there, but I was able to glorify the father and you are able to glorify me. I have chosen you. You were not my people, and I made you my people. I called you from the farthest corners of the earth, from the depths of Sheol to myself.

Thats what Jesus says to you. Not debatable. Its in the word and the word is truth.

I was just so loved by community tonight and I never expected that is what he had in store for me. And he used all these people to tell me that he loves me and I just think of them and how they are all so spirit led and that God is using them in such sweet ways and that we got to have conversations that drew both of us closer to jesus. Conversations saturated with scripture. I love when someone brings scripture into a conversation. Even if its scripture I know. My mind always tries to say, "I already know that verse/story/parable" and I cast down that thought because all scripture is God breathed and is a double edged sword and God may have something really beautiful and new and fresh or old that I have forgotten to say to me in that scripture. So its a joy to hear it.

And being encouraged makes me thirst to encourage people. Because I see what it does to my heart and I want to see that happen to other peoples hearts as well. If I don't identify myself as Christ's beloved, I cant carry anyone to be his beloved. At least in the way that I can if I do recognize that I am loved. It is when I consume the most grace that I offer the most. When I allow myself to be loved that I can love. If I hadn't been vulnerable and real with Jesus and the blog and myself that I felt really far away from Jesus, I don't think I would have been able to receive this gift tonight. We've got to start bringing our hearts into the light. Thats where real life starts.

Man, Jesus, you are good. You do love me. You do want me to experience full life and you want to speak directly to me through people and speak directly through me to people. You had so much more in mind for today than I did. Let me always be attentive to your plan and the movement of your Spirit because it is right and I am not. What I plant will be uprooted, but what you plant will last forever. It is you, my love, that changes the water into wine. I may fill, I may pour, but it is just water if it is just me. It becomes wine only when you make it wine.

Listening

There are days when everything is beautiful and I am saturated in Jesus and I have it together. Today is not one. There is nothing wrong today. I just have this deep unsettling sense of going through the motions. I know the words, I can read scripture, I can pray and read books and smile but I can't help but feel like my heart has turned away from him and I'm not sure what thats about. I think its okay. Christ is not made more beautiful by my profession of his beauty. My profession simply points to that which already is. And I will still profess and point. There is nothing else. I am convinced. And the more I realize the size of my faith (small) and the size of my sin (huge) the more convinced I am that he is worth every ounce of hope and every move we make and every breath we have. Its all his anyways. But still I wonder what this wall is about. I bet Jesus never felt accomplished after interacting with anyone. I often feel accomplished after a particularly sweet time with him or poignant revelation about who he is. The focus is still on me, then. When people met jesus and he changed their life, he was the only one they talked about. I've come to feel less and less comfortable talking about myself. I hope I don't stop there but see it as an opportunity to talk about him. C.S. Lewis says a lot of really beautiful stuff about humility and one of the things is that humble people never know they are humble obviously. They also don't dwell in self condemnation of their pride. Because either of those they still are focused on themselves. They just don't really think about their existence much at all. They don't say "I wish this person would listen to me" or "I'm being a great listener" or "I'm sick of listening" or not listen at all and just think about their own agenda

They just listen.

They are listening so deeply and fully that the only thing they even see or think about is the person they are with and whatever they are saying. I've never met a single person who doesn't blossom and thrive when they are truly listened to. What if people thought of followers of christ as people who really listened? I don't even know the magnitude of that. I think leaders are typically extra bad listeners. They are clinging so hard to their vision or trying to manage so many moving pieces that its just impossible.

What if my only purpose in interacting with someone was that they felt loved and valuable and important? Why is it not? I think about the disciples and how sometimes Jesus rebuked them so much but they loved him. So freaking much. Loved him even though it DID cost them their family and career and stability and money and goals and dreams. I wonder what Jesus was like that made them do such a crazy thing. Before they knew for sure. We have no idea whats that is like because we were born with access to the knowledge that yes he did die and yes he was raised. But they really didn't. Oh, so he rebuked them a ton but I bet the most unsettling thing about Jesus was how well he listened. I start to get really nervous when someone genuinely listens to me. They immediately threaten the walls most people never even get close to in conversation. Its scary. But its also deep and healing. And really hard.

There is one that I do listen to. Satan. And the reason is that Satan steals the "I" pronoun. Which is perfect for him because he knows that we all love listening to ourselves. He knows its the voice that is constant and the one we trust. Because he is a liar an a thief and he wants to steal, kill and destroy. So you will never hear him say you are ugly. Or worthless. Or incapable. Or weak. He always says "I am ugly." or "I don't really know Jesus" or "I need to do more because I am not enough." Satan's most powerful tool is to make us worship and trust and listen to ourselves more than God.

Jesus doesn't ever lie. He is never going to tell us that we will be fine on our own or that its a good idea to follow our own hearts or minds because both will lead us to destruction. While he is here on earth all he ever says that his teaching is not his, his actions are not his, his healings are not his: all of it is of the one who sent him. He knows that in God there is no falsehood.

letting go

There is no situation for me to advance my own greatness. I don't have any. Jesus Christ is great. Greater than anything I have ever encountered. He does things that I did not think he was capable of. Thats the most freeing thing that I can cling to as a college student. College tells me to advance my own greatness. It says to do things to make me a better job applicant, to be able to get more awards and scholarships, to be known, to be talked about. The world tells me to seek friends and compete with them and be better than them. It says to find guys and make them need me. It says to be pretty and athletic and well spoken and well rounded and cultured. Its says find ministry that is daring and impressive and find people to minister to that will enhance my god-complex by the fact that they need me and therefore I am worthwhile. It says I have to make a difference and I should change the world and do the sort of things that will get me published and books written about me.
Jesus says that I am beautiful. That I have been called Beloved and called by name since before time began. He said he would rather die than live without me. He says that my little life is a chasing in the wind but his word is forever and the mountains will fall away before his love departs for me. He says my worth does not fluctuate based on my accomplishments, my plans, my grades, or the contacts I make, or the girls I pour into or the change that is or isn't occurring in south raleigh. He says I can cast everything onto him, that his burden is easy and his yoke is light. He says that he is the stream of living water, that I can come and drink and never be thirsty again. He says that how I use the 24 hours he gives me everyday doesn't really matter because they belong to him and he is simply letting me be a part of them and be a part of what he is doing with them.
Its just nice to know that this summer I don't have to do anything that anyone finds impressive. That I can be just like paul and say that this summer, and the rest of this semester, and my whole life, is just about knowing HIm. That all ministry is a loss compared to knowing Christ Jesus. That all knowledge, all theology even is a loss if it is not knowing Christ Jesus. He says that I have to die with him and then I will be raised with him. Dying with him means that I let go of my plans and my dreams and my clingings  and just be. And that I don't need to explain to anyone what I want to do with my life because every conversation and interaction is first and foremost to love the person I am interacting with and do everything I can to let my self seeking, self condemnation, and self elevation all be silenced so I can listen to Jesus who will lead me on how to carry them to Him. And also to allow myself to be carried to him. I can pour perfume on his feet without thinking about how it could have been used on the pour. James said don't show favoritism. I'm real big on favorites. Favorite places, favorite family members, favoring south raleigh over NC State, favoring raleigh over everywhere else, favoring international missions over home missions, favoring those whose approval I seek..
I'm becoming aware of this controlling nature that is easy to miss in college because the only person you are really caring for and living with is yourself. Jesus, show me how to surrender all this control to you. Every part of my life than I continue to control and refuse to surrender always ends up controlling me. Remind me all the time jesus that my life is no longer my own. That I gave it to you and that you will keep working on me and in me and saying that you called me to die to myself. Not just die to the things I am ready to be done with but die to the parts of my self I won't let go of. The parts I am used to. The parts that I think are good. Its all yours my Love. Take it when I don't have the strength to give it away to you.

being with family

Its a beautiful thing to be home. Especially with this sense of freedom of letting the Spirit move and make all the plans. I don't ever want to go home again with all these things I want to accomplish and people I want to see and measurements to determine how productive or successful or worthwhile it is. I got to sit and talk with my mom and dad. Thats more than enough. I get to be with Jesus. I get to let the Spirit do whatever he wants. I've gone through so many phases in life where I have had such little appreciation for my parents and my family. Being eighteen, I'm sure I will go through many, many more. But they really are wonderful. God doesn't make mistakes and he entrusted me to them. He's known all along what I am discovering: their gifts and love and support. Our family shapes the ministry we do for the entirety of our lives. Even family situations that are really hard and messy are of God because then we get to enter in to that very situation with others and walk with them.

God, I don't know how to love my family. Will you show me? you have loved each of them perfectly and flawlessly. My love is always self seeking. It always makes demands. But not yours, love. Your love is deep. It is scandalous. It loves when the response is wrong. It loves when I would say there is nothing left to love.
 There is always something left to love.

I'm starting to learn about adults having wisdom. Like my parents. Real wise. Its so funny and humbling to think of all the times I was sure they didn't know anything. Of course they do. They know a whole lot. And it would be really strategic if I spent some time listening. Listening is part of this life-is-a-gift mentality Jesus has been working my heart on.

Heres the thing about listening. Its fruitful. Jesus can talk through anyone. And people have lots of beautiful insights. Second, it takes the pressure and frustration out of conversations because you don't have to worry constantly and always be trying to talk and tell stories and plan what youre going to say. Finally, people feel loved. We all love to be listened to. We all know that feeling that in most of our conversations the other person is not really listening. And think about it, when we are deep, intentional listeners, we gain a lot more insight because everything we have to say we already know. But they may say something we never thought of. So we benefit more from listening. And whoever you're with will be immensely blessed. And God listens to us all the time. He never gets tired of listening to us. I still have no idea what it means to listen to God. To just sit and be with them and not fill our time with my constant chatter. And thats okay. There is no such thing as a bad way to spend time with our Lover. He adores us. He'll take whatever we want to give him. But if we did get to that place with him where we could just sit in comfortable silence and rest and be and listen...
I can hardly imagine.
I really think to reach God on that level demands a lifestyle change. If we are rushed, overcommitted, multi-taskers, and have a  whole lot of trouble listening to people who we can see and hear and engage with human to human, how could we stop the way our mind works and the state of our spirit for the brief moments of our day with God? My love of productivity is so evident in my time with the Lord..the way I go through scripture, the way I control our time together, the way I put it on a time schedule...I can't turn that off. But Jesus can transform my heart. Each of our hearts. Thats such a reason to rejoice.

And think of that feeling when we come home to our family and how that will be magnified and a million times more lovely and glorious when we go home to Jesus. That is our hope and our inheritance.

the wisdom of Ray Stedman

I found the most beautiful commentary on Acts by Ray Stedman that I'm going to write on today-if you have the chance to read it, do (http://www.blueletterbible.org/commentaries/comm_view.cfm?AuthorID=9&contentID=71&commInfo=2&topic=Acts) 

Either way, I'll talk about how it transformed my heart. The church has made a huge mistake. We think that we fulfill God's will our way, mobilizing our human resources to carry out the advancement of gospel. We plan our own strategies for our lives and our churches of how we will carry out the great commission. Planning the strategy to reach the ends of the earth was not a responsibility God gave us. When we try, he quietly waits until we come exhausted and broken, saying "we'll never be able to accomplish this." He reminds us that his program is for the Holy Spirit to accomplish this task, that the spirit is completely capable of doing it, and Acts is testament to the Spirit's ability to carry out God's program. 

Its a divine strategy. And he reveals it to every single one of us step by step. Our willingness to follow is up to us, but creating a plan or taking control is simply not an option. I can't tell you how freeing this has been for me. The anxiety and frustration I have experienced this semester when "ministry" has not gone my way has been huge. Now there is so much less to stress about. If something gets cancelled, or my ride forgets me, or people don't show up: it doesn't matter. Its not my plan and I have no way to measure its success anyways. So many things throughout the bible that look like utter failures are not failures at all but part of a divine plan far more beautiful than we can imagine. Moses killed a guy and ran away from Egypt. What a failure. But GOd brought him back. And Moses's failure left no doubt in anyones mind that it was God and not Moses at all. Saul approved Stephens death. Talk about failure. Stephen had a huge gift and boldness to preach the gospel and Saul basically killed him. On his first public gospel proclamation. And then Anaias is told to go Saul. That never ever would have been a part of Anaias's strategy to proclaim the kingdom. Seeking Saul as a Christian would probably have been equated with committing suicide. 

The Holy Spirit is always the one that makes people ask "what must I do to be saved?" It is not the invitation that makes people come to christ. It is truth as it is proclaimed by the Holy Spirit. The task belongs to the holy spirit. So whether you are a young life leader or tim keller, beth moore etc. or just a neighbor who faithfully pursues someone on your street for 10 years there is no distinction and there is no hierarchy. Because none of us bring anyone to Christ. Only the Spirit does. 

(Now, this is not to say we just sit around and do nothing. Quite the opposite. We are the hands and feet of Jesus. The Spirit is in us. We are the vessels by which the Spirit moves and the kingdom advances. But we cannot take responsibility for anything the Spirit does. The interesting thing is that those who the Spirit is moving in huge ways are most aware that it is not them. And when someone falls in love with Jesus, whoever was a part of that has no desire for credit. They don't need anyone to tell them it was the Spirit, not them. Its evident.)

The holy spirit does it all. Our only job is to be available. The spirit has never failed to fulfill his ministry. 

Well done my good and faithful servant

One of the wisest people I've met recommended to me a quote today that could not have been more poignant and piercing:

To allow oneself to be carried away by a multitude of concerns, to surrender to too many projects, to want to help everyone in everything is to succumb to violence. Frenzy destroys our inner capacity for peace. It destroys the fruitfulness of our work, because it kills the work of inner wisdom which makes work fruitful. 

Thomas Merton

If you are wondering if this may apply to your life, see if you are able at a random moment to pray. Is your spirit restful? Is it ready to wait patiently upon the Lord and rest silently before him before uttering a word? My hurried, anxious, surface skimming prayers are a clear symptom of the anxious life I am living, overcommitted to a million things and causes. Think of how often slowness irritates you-whether in line, while driving, waiting on someone. Think of how we race through scriptures, our minds drift as soon as our pastor starts talking or someone starts praying...when I try to pray right now its just words. And the way I treat God and the way I treat people are always the same. If I am impatient and unable to listen to the love of my life, how can I expect to do so with a friend? And if I am so annoyed with all these beings made in the image of God, do I really think I can adore the one who made them. Could you ever be close to a man whom you constantly put down, criticize and belittle his wife and children?

Every word I have written is to myself. You may or may not struggle with these things, but I know them well. I'm trying to live this rushed existence and it’s so destructive. My sinfulness manifests itself in my constant need to control my ministry, who I pour into, who I listen to, who I care for. 

Jesus is so beautiful. Yesterday I had my day so structured and put together and back-to-back and someone forgot to pick me up and I was so hurt that I was trying to love on girls and it didn’t work out. I was so upset with God that he would mess with my plans. I was like, “this is for you, alright? Why are you messing up what I am trying to do for you? “I said out loud, “you’re killing me God!” At that moment his response was clear:

Of course I am. And the words Jesus said so many years ago flooded in:

Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple.

Of course I will take your ministry right out of your hands because the only thing I have to offer you is myself.

I will strip you of everything that is not me. Leave you with only the cross to cling to. With only Christ to cling to.

A few minutes later, feeling hopeless and useless and pointless the words entered my mind

Well done, my good and faithful servant.

Those words, when I was crying and consumed by my own selfishness. Those words when I was doing nothing good. When I was so evidently not faithful. Not his servant.

That is the scandal of the cross. I was like, don’t call me that. I am not any of those things. And God responds, in the midst of our darkness and self loathing, don’t you dare call yourself worthless when I have called you Beloved. Of course you are not good and faithful but Jesus is and was and will be past forever and when I look at you, he is who I see. And those who have been made pure are being sanctified. He is turning us into little Christs. It’s painful. He promised it would be. But in order for him to build us, he breaks us first. Jesus went to the cross before he was resurrected. Any part of our souls that we don’t let die cannot be resurrected. We first die with Christ, but he doesn’t ever ever leave us dead. We rise with Christ. We share in the resurrection. 

In Christ Alone

Its been so long since I've written. I didn't even want to write because I have no idea where to begin. And then it hit me that this is his. This blog belongs to Christ. its not mine. If anyone is moved by anything I ever post, thats Jesus. Its jesus that moved them and who he is, not what I have to say about him. I wonder how many posts I've written wanting the reader to think I am a good writer, or smart, or be moved by what I have to say. Actually all of them, I'm quite sure. And yet he's been able to use this little expression...despite me. You are not what you do. Thats a lie that the world has been telling you your whole life. There is no comfort in the notion that we are alright and that there is nothing wrong. Maybe there is comfort in the daytime, maybe in our busy lives filled with people and interactions and accomplishments we can pretend, but at some point, on each of darkest nights and most barren moments, we know that we don't really want to worship ourselves and "I'll take care of myself" is a terrible lie and that we are fighting so hard to act like everything is alright and we are good and lovable and capable of loving. I went on a trip for spring break and I tried to depend on myself and there is no doubt that we did a lot of amazing things but depending on myself was destructive. It was evident in the darkness of my thoughts as the week continued, the jealousy I began to feel, the need for my worth to be affirmed by people I was serving, constantly finding things wrong with people and clinging to those things for dear life. I just need jesus. There is no way to get around that.

In psalm one it says were like trees by the water and the water is God. And sometimes I get this idea that I need to bring people to the water but I leave. I leave the water thinking, I dont have time to sit and drink, because I am needed to bring people  here. But as soon as i leave the water, I get really thirsty. Instead of going to the water, I turn to all these other sources but if its not water, I just get thirstier. And I could try to tell people about the water, but they probably wouldn't trust me because I look so dehydrated. And soon I want everyone else to be thirsty too because I am. And at the same  time, I'm demanding water from other thirsty people. But if I drink and drink and drink then I won't even have to tell anyone about the water because they will look at me and they will say where did you get that water, because I am so thirsty, but I can see that you are not dying. Rather, you are full of life. And I will love them, and I will not demand anything of them because I'm not thirsty. And we will go and drink together and it will beautiful and miraculous.

The more time I spend with Jesus the more aware of my brokenness I become. But somehow, I am left feeling more beloved than any other time of the day. I feel alive. And I can let go of my need to be important and useful and necessary and life becomes this

run as hard and as fast as you can to the cross and stay there as long as possible. 

I get to let go of my need to do something this summer the world approves of. I get to let go of wanting to be everyone's savior. I get to let go of the sense that the number of good things I do in a day dictate my value. I get to be broken and transparent and the greatest mystery is that Jesus is moving in my little life, with and without my knowledge or permission and doing far more than I could ask or imagine.

Our king has won the battle and we are not enslaved any longer and he is coming back and he will be with us forever and ever. Thats the gospel. Jesus, let me let go of everything else but the cross and the truth that you have come and you have won and the battle is over. Letting go of social justice and good causes and comfort and loved ones and myself. Let me love people hard enough and deep enough and wide enough that I will die everyday so that you can reveal the gospel to them and to be convinced that there really is life in just one thing and that is you.

Letting Him love me.

I think the root of my anxiousness and sadness and struggle is that I don’t let Jesus love me. I’m beginning to think that when we sing and pray and read the Word he lets us think we are praising and obeying him, and we are but really he’s loving us. He’s letting us think it’s us loving him but it’s the other way around. I’m wondering if everything beautiful about my life stems from letting him love on me.

Marriage is hard, from what I’ve gathered. In fact, it’s so hard that I have been kind of thinking for a while that I don’t really know that I even want it. And my pastor was preaching on marriage because lately some of his closest spiritual leader friends have been caught in adultery and their marriage has fallen apart. When he stands up there talking about it…his voice is sort of strained like how your throat gets when you’re trying not to cry. That’s how much his heart is breaking. And sometimes, because it’s all over the place, it just becomes casual that the whole institution of marriage seems so far gone. But marriage is the closest thing we get to what God looks like…the fusion of a man and a woman into one being that can then create something as precious and holy and miraculous as a child. The most beautiful things about men and about women are both little bits of God in us and its only when the two are made one that we get to see a small sliver of what God and Jesus and the Spirit look like. Oh, so he talked about how we have this self-loathing, so many of us, and that it makes us want to repel our husbands and wives and families.  Our hearts hurt and we don’t share this hurt, maybe we don’t even know its there, but when someone tries to really love us, we reject them. And the one who reached out in love is equally hurt because they put their heart on the line and their lover pulled away. And then we have that lie seep into our soul that says See? You knew they were going to reject you. Didn’t you know that they don’t really love you? You should have just stayed to yourself all along.

I know this thought. It is poisonous. And I’ve thought that I am able to not trust any people but still trust God. I cannot. It may seem like it but it is so evident in my resistance to God’s love. Because his love is far more scandalous than that of anyone here. It’s far more perfect and holy. And if I am resisting love because I think I will get hurt, I will do the same with Jesus. Whether I know it or not. And then I wonder why I’m so sad and unsatisfied with a life full of Jesus. But no matter how I close I am…I can leave those walls up and keep him out. I really think it’s both or neither. When we allow the fullness of ourselves to be exposed to the love of Jesus, only then are we able to love people. Because we can give them the choice to reject us because our hearts don’t ache for their love.

I’m not sure how much sense any of this is making, but all I know is that I reject his love all the time, because I’ve got walls up and I’m so scared to let them down. Jesus says come and drink, but I keep saying that I’m not thirsty. And he knows that if I don’t drink that I’ll die. My soul and my heart will wither away. In Chronicles of Narnia there is a part where Lucy is at the stream and so thirsty and Aslan is standing there and she is terrified of him. She’s scared that if she takes her eyes off him and goes to the stream that he will eat her. She asks if he eats little girls and he says he’s swallowed girls and boys, countries and kingdoms. She says promise me you won’t do anything to me and he says I’ll make no such promise. She so so thirsty but she’s also terrified so she says she going to find another stream then. And he says there is no other stream.

There is no other stream. 

To live is Christ, to die is gain.

Its all I can think about. I may have said that verse in my mind fifty times tonight. I hope I keep saying it until it begins to seep into my soul. Until every encounter I have with every human is founded and rooted in that verse. To live is Christ. Thats it. Jesus, help me let go. Let go of all this pride hidden in my heart thats being spurred by self loathing. Were all just crying out Jesus. Our souls aren't clinging to you but they won't find rest until they are. Sin clings so closely, Jesus.

Light a fire
down in my soul
that I can't contain
that I can't control
I want more of You
God...


More of you God, please. Less of me. I met with a girl today who was just so with Jesus. So with the Spirit. And it was evident in her ability to see right into my heart and have the courage to ask. To ask and genuinely want to know. I so often ask without being willing to know. I so often am impatient. She cared enough to keep asking. To sense something deeper was going on. I panicked. Its the same reason I have struggled so much with blogging this semester. Because my heart is hard and hurt and hidden. And anything that tugs light to my heart I have been avoiding. I didn't want to share anything at all. And I just cried. About what, I don't even know. Thats not really the point. The beauty was in her response. Her love that kept her still and so present. I felt so loved. That I didn't have to explain myself. That she just wanted to know my heart. That she was so thankful just to get to be with me. I have a feeling this is what felt like when people got to be with Jesus for a little while. And she said to me, "there are no cracks in God's Kingdom." And so often I am quite convinced that I am creating cracks in the kingdom. But he is better. I can't mess up his plan. Even if I wanted to-its already been carried out. Nothing could stop him. Peter couldn't, satan couldn't pilate couldn't, death couldn't. I cant crack the kingdom. Its perfect because it belongs to Jesus. And she told me the story about the paralyzed guy whose friends take him through the roof. Do you know who I saw myself as? The friend who carried him in. And sometimes I am. But sometimes I'm the paralyzed one. And I am healed by my friends faith. Thats just really not who I want to be at all. But I am. My heart is paralyzed and I have to be carried to Jesus too. If I spend all my time carrying everyone else there, I'm never going to get healed. If I spend all my time working, I'm never going to sit at his feet. If I spend all that I have on the poor, I won't be able to pour perfume on Jesus.

There is no place I'd rather be
Then here in your arms, here in your arms...

Thank you, sweet friend, for carrying me to jesus. And when I didn't want to go, you went through the roof to get me there. And you showed me what it looks like to love someone the way Jesus does. And you told me that brokenness is beautiful, and my brokenness and my healing is the gospel alive in my life.

Jesus. He's really worth everything. To die is gain. We gain him. Thats what you get when you give up your life for Jesus. Nothing else. No power or prestige or glory. Just him. But there is nothing else.