Listening

There are days when everything is beautiful and I am saturated in Jesus and I have it together. Today is not one. There is nothing wrong today. I just have this deep unsettling sense of going through the motions. I know the words, I can read scripture, I can pray and read books and smile but I can't help but feel like my heart has turned away from him and I'm not sure what thats about. I think its okay. Christ is not made more beautiful by my profession of his beauty. My profession simply points to that which already is. And I will still profess and point. There is nothing else. I am convinced. And the more I realize the size of my faith (small) and the size of my sin (huge) the more convinced I am that he is worth every ounce of hope and every move we make and every breath we have. Its all his anyways. But still I wonder what this wall is about. I bet Jesus never felt accomplished after interacting with anyone. I often feel accomplished after a particularly sweet time with him or poignant revelation about who he is. The focus is still on me, then. When people met jesus and he changed their life, he was the only one they talked about. I've come to feel less and less comfortable talking about myself. I hope I don't stop there but see it as an opportunity to talk about him. C.S. Lewis says a lot of really beautiful stuff about humility and one of the things is that humble people never know they are humble obviously. They also don't dwell in self condemnation of their pride. Because either of those they still are focused on themselves. They just don't really think about their existence much at all. They don't say "I wish this person would listen to me" or "I'm being a great listener" or "I'm sick of listening" or not listen at all and just think about their own agenda

They just listen.

They are listening so deeply and fully that the only thing they even see or think about is the person they are with and whatever they are saying. I've never met a single person who doesn't blossom and thrive when they are truly listened to. What if people thought of followers of christ as people who really listened? I don't even know the magnitude of that. I think leaders are typically extra bad listeners. They are clinging so hard to their vision or trying to manage so many moving pieces that its just impossible.

What if my only purpose in interacting with someone was that they felt loved and valuable and important? Why is it not? I think about the disciples and how sometimes Jesus rebuked them so much but they loved him. So freaking much. Loved him even though it DID cost them their family and career and stability and money and goals and dreams. I wonder what Jesus was like that made them do such a crazy thing. Before they knew for sure. We have no idea whats that is like because we were born with access to the knowledge that yes he did die and yes he was raised. But they really didn't. Oh, so he rebuked them a ton but I bet the most unsettling thing about Jesus was how well he listened. I start to get really nervous when someone genuinely listens to me. They immediately threaten the walls most people never even get close to in conversation. Its scary. But its also deep and healing. And really hard.

There is one that I do listen to. Satan. And the reason is that Satan steals the "I" pronoun. Which is perfect for him because he knows that we all love listening to ourselves. He knows its the voice that is constant and the one we trust. Because he is a liar an a thief and he wants to steal, kill and destroy. So you will never hear him say you are ugly. Or worthless. Or incapable. Or weak. He always says "I am ugly." or "I don't really know Jesus" or "I need to do more because I am not enough." Satan's most powerful tool is to make us worship and trust and listen to ourselves more than God.

Jesus doesn't ever lie. He is never going to tell us that we will be fine on our own or that its a good idea to follow our own hearts or minds because both will lead us to destruction. While he is here on earth all he ever says that his teaching is not his, his actions are not his, his healings are not his: all of it is of the one who sent him. He knows that in God there is no falsehood.