Its all I can think about. I may have said that verse in my mind fifty times tonight. I hope I keep saying it until it begins to seep into my soul. Until every encounter I have with every human is founded and rooted in that verse. To live is Christ. Thats it. Jesus, help me let go. Let go of all this pride hidden in my heart thats being spurred by self loathing. Were all just crying out Jesus. Our souls aren't clinging to you but they won't find rest until they are. Sin clings so closely, Jesus.
Light a fire
down in my soul
that I can't contain
that I can't control
I want more of You
God...
More of you God, please. Less of me. I met with a girl today who was just so with Jesus. So with the Spirit. And it was evident in her ability to see right into my heart and have the courage to ask. To ask and genuinely want to know. I so often ask without being willing to know. I so often am impatient. She cared enough to keep asking. To sense something deeper was going on. I panicked. Its the same reason I have struggled so much with blogging this semester. Because my heart is hard and hurt and hidden. And anything that tugs light to my heart I have been avoiding. I didn't want to share anything at all. And I just cried. About what, I don't even know. Thats not really the point. The beauty was in her response. Her love that kept her still and so present. I felt so loved. That I didn't have to explain myself. That she just wanted to know my heart. That she was so thankful just to get to be with me. I have a feeling this is what felt like when people got to be with Jesus for a little while. And she said to me, "there are no cracks in God's Kingdom." And so often I am quite convinced that I am creating cracks in the kingdom. But he is better. I can't mess up his plan. Even if I wanted to-its already been carried out. Nothing could stop him. Peter couldn't, satan couldn't pilate couldn't, death couldn't. I cant crack the kingdom. Its perfect because it belongs to Jesus. And she told me the story about the paralyzed guy whose friends take him through the roof. Do you know who I saw myself as? The friend who carried him in. And sometimes I am. But sometimes I'm the paralyzed one. And I am healed by my friends faith. Thats just really not who I want to be at all. But I am. My heart is paralyzed and I have to be carried to Jesus too. If I spend all my time carrying everyone else there, I'm never going to get healed. If I spend all my time working, I'm never going to sit at his feet. If I spend all that I have on the poor, I won't be able to pour perfume on Jesus.
There is no place I'd rather be
Then here in your arms, here in your arms...
Thank you, sweet friend, for carrying me to jesus. And when I didn't want to go, you went through the roof to get me there. And you showed me what it looks like to love someone the way Jesus does. And you told me that brokenness is beautiful, and my brokenness and my healing is the gospel alive in my life.
Jesus. He's really worth everything. To die is gain. We gain him. Thats what you get when you give up your life for Jesus. Nothing else. No power or prestige or glory. Just him. But there is nothing else.
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