not so little miracles

One of the most beautiful things about Jesus and the Spirit is that they just do whatever the heck they want. And when Jesus shows up, nothing can stop him. Tonight I showed up for campaigners to see all the girls fighting and mad and no one engaged and no one listening and the past few weeks there has been nothing but awkward barely even conversation and then tonight Jesus so calmed the storm in our little group of girls. Amanda just shared her story and they listened and asked questions and were fighting to share...It doesn't make any sense that I get to share life with these urban middle school girls. Its the most beautiful thing in the world. Its just little moments that are such big miracles...like when one of them says "if any of us gets pregnant I'm coming to tell you first." Or "If we're getting hurt at home can we come live with you?" or when they ask us if we have ever had to deal with boys pressuring us or problems with parents or family stuff...or when they want to share the really really crazy and terrible things going on in their lives or when they say, you're coming tomorrow right? or can we hang out more? Its so beautiful. Today was one of those days that I was just in a funk the entire day...unable to really go deep with jesus or get much work done or love my friends well and there was that terrible little question hiding in the back of my mind "what are you even doing? what even is your life?" and then I go to campaigners and what I was praying for all day becomes life as I see that this is why I am alive. For jesus and for these girls. They are worth my whole life. Maybe more than anything else. They are daughters of the most beautiful creator and it is privilege just to love them. To think that I get to spend the next four years of my life with them. I see him in them. I have to keep striving to see him just as clearly in the people in my school, those that I am surrounded with. It is so much harder..Its hardest of all to love equals.

Jesus, I praise you because you are good. You are good to me, and you have put sin away once and for all. You did not observe our suffering from afar but came right here and lived it. Teach me how to live with these girls. How to suffer and be joyful with them. You made your home here Jesus. Let us make our home amongst the poor as well.  The girls excitement tonight, desire to share, eagerness to pray and lift up prayer requests, aching for more life and love is all of you. None of it has anything to do with me. You alone transform their hearts and each of our hearts. Let us seek your spirit constantly and know that it is the spirit that does everything and that we do nothing. Love you Jesus.

Break me, Jesus.

I finally had a night where there is far too much to put into writing. I feel like this is what John meant when he said that Jesus has done so much more but we just wrote what we could. Gosh, He is so good. I've really decided that the closest we'll get to eternity is sharing and discovering and falling in love with Jesus together. I would rather do that then be president or be world renowned, or get a nobel peace prize. the group of girls I get to live life with--I can't even believe it. that I would be surrounded with people so beautiful and precious and so able to point me to Jesus and seeing people get to know him may be even more beautiful then doing it myself. And when you see fruit...well first, when you stop doing things to see fruit and then you do actually see it I just think, "Seriously Jesus? You love me this much to make this life this beautiful? I can't even believe what you are doing..One of my closest girls whose spiritual depth AMAZES me said in response to why the church is not multiplying the way it did right after Jesus died that people stopped living for Jesus and for people. Its not that Jesus became less attractive, its that we look less like him. Its not that the good news has been heard and people are choosing to reject it as much as that its not being lived. Encounters with the love of Christ are transformative. Period. But if we are not brimming over with this love...its not being encountered. We talked about how we don't thirst for it. There are a lot of things I can't go very long without. Food. Water. But honestly: talking to my mom. exercise. sleep. Do I depend on the word that way? What if I was as faithful and passionate about prayer as I am about coffee in the morning. What if I couldn't live a day without it?

Prayer is not a hasty add-on but a joyous necessity.
(Jessie found that somewhere, I don't know where)

I got to share Libby and Ryder's story tonight. Its the gospel in action. Its impossible to not see Jesus soaking it.

So much sweet full delight in this life God has given us. And that are brokenness is forever less than his ability to mend. Mine is so deep. But not too deep for him. And when I confront it when I see it, it sucks. So badly. But it makes room for him to come in and to heal. Tonight an amazing girl shared with me that one of our young life girls wants to have lunch with her. Can I tell you the response my heart had? Jealousy. Seriously. My heart hated it. Hated that it wasn't me. But I cant just accept that and cling to that sin. I have to say Jesus, I don't want to give this to you because its ugly and dark and your brightness really hurts but I know this is serious. And by the end of bible study, I was so joyful about her lunch. I remembered that she is PART OF MY BODY. That any gain she has is a gain for me. And that I am here for a far greater kingdom. Not for MY role in that kingdom but the kingdom itself. There is no difference when any young life leader meets with any kid anywhere in the world than when I meet with a kid. Its one kingdom and one King that we are all fighting for. To have anger in my heart is literally no different than if right now I was angry that my eyes could see what I was typing. Or jealous my fingers got to type not my brain. Or happy when I stub my toe. That would be ridiculous. Its just as ridiculous to not love my body of Christ with my whole heart and rejoice and mourn with it.

Jesus, destroy every ounce of jealousy and anger and bitterness in me-it is damaging your body and my body because we just have one and thats beautiful. In fact, Jesus put to death every part of me I am keeping form you, every moment I hold on to, every thought I am hiding from you. Take it all captive. Replace it with yourself Even the good things. They are not really good. Because I am human, I am going to make them bad. I'll take you instead. Actually Jesus, everyday I'm probably going to demand my life back. Thank you for your patience and forgiveness. The transformation you have made and will make in my heart is nothing short of a miracle. Nothing short of bringing the dead to life. Give me the courage to speak boldly but more to love boldly because of what you have done and because I have no right to keep it from anyone. Don't let me get in the way of your Word which is spreading without me and in spite of me. Keep breaking me that I may be shared but so much more that you may be shared. I love you.

rejoice

I have a constant temptation to go on and keep looking for what is close at hand. I've gone to sit in a new coffee shop and decided almost immediately that I was unable to interact with Jesus here. That its just not possible. And seriously contemplated leaving and going to my favorite coffee shop. But as I've been sitting here I realized that Jesus is right here. That life is right here. And this is such a small example but it is such an example of how I live my life..thinking that my mission and Jesus isn't wherever I am. And thats probably one of Satan's favorite tactics to keep us from living on mission or being with Jesus. I've got to open my eyes. If jesus wanted me somewhere else right now, that is where I would be. But I'm here. And a lot of it is me trying to get off the hook. I want to separate my life into things that are my mission and things that aren't. That way I can excuse myself whenever I want to and put my walk with Christ in my control. I say I need solitude but I know that what I really need is community to call me out in the way that solitude doesnt. Its always both or neither. When I am afraid to be alone is when I need to be alone and when I am afraid of people is when I need to meet with people and share my heart. When I am afraid of pouring my heart into this city is when I need to give my life away and when I start to worship the work God has given me is when I need a whole lot of nothing to remind me that Jesus is the redeemer not me. Its one life. I've got to stop living like the next thing is going to be "it". I dont ever even know what "it" is but I am always convinced its coming. My mom and I both struggle with decision making and with not letting go once the decision is made. Its cool to see because we both have really big hearts to pour out and I think its a way were kept from expanding the kingdom because we become so hesitant and immobilized.

Just random thoughts but another thing I found really crazy was the call of Jesus to rejoice always. Jesus leaves us no room for self pity and wallowing. And those are things that I may rarely do publicly but often soak in internally. To be quite honest, I love holding on to internal struggle while putting on a public face. And I've been so humbled by the idea that nothing is hidden from Him. He knows me to the depths. And the only one he put in my care is myself. Because my soul is the only one I'll ever really know. And thats how we all are. He wants us. Not our work. He doesn't need our work. Or our time or our money. When we fall for Him we give him all of that because it loses its value to us. But he doesn't need any of it. He doesn't need us either but he desperately wants us. I dont know how or why but he really does. Enough to come and die. He has made us perfect. The law was never going to make us perfect. But he did it. And that is worthy of all rejoicing. There is nothing more beautiful. Nothing. There is no brokenness he has not redeemed by his death. In us or outside of us. Lets rejoice!

C.S. Lewis (basically wrote this post)

C. S. Lewis said that everything that really needs to be done in our souls can only be done by God. That what we do is simply an indication of what we are. So our ability to disguise what we are, while very helpful in this life, is incredibly dangerous from an eternal perspective. He said that what a man does when he is caught off guard is the best evidence for who a man is. Being caught off guard doesn't give the rats of our souls time to hide but them having time to hide doesn't mean that they aren't there. No direct actions of mine, whether good or bad can bring about the change I desperately need. God looks at us and he knows that we really have no hope of becoming anything like Christ on our own. He knows we are self seeking and pain inflicting and greedy and mean and disobedient. But he says, they are like Christ because they are men and He became a man, and then he says that we can be like Christ in spirit as well. Which we can't. And God knows that. But God can do whatever the heck he wants. So he makes us like Christ in spirit and treats us and sees us as his sons and daughters. Jesus stands right beside us and turns us into little Christs. The pretense becomes reality. 

And then C.S. Lewis makes a crazy beautiful point..he says we have our ordinary self and we want it to be better. We want it to be "good" and we know that there are desires we should not obey and things we really don't want to do that we should do. But we never stop hoping that at some point we can really just do what we want. Then we either give up trying to be good or become angry because no matter how good we become its never good enough. Thats been me this semester. Trying so hard to live for others and just getting frustrated and discouraged at the lack of fruit of my labor and the lack of appreciation and my own weaknesses. He said that I am probably a far greater pest than people who just remain selfish and already gave up trying to be good. I have a feeling he is right. 

Now the Christian way is completely different. Heres what happens: "Jesus says 'give me All. I don't want so much of your time, and so much of your money, and so much of your work: I want you. I have not come to torment your natural self but to kill it. Hand over the whole self, all the desires you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked-the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.'" (C.S. Lewis)

So we have come upon the entirety of Christianity: for us to be drawn into and made into Christ. Thats it. I get so caught up in missions and ministries and justice and nature and people and education and its all part of the kingdom so its not bad stuff but there is only one point possibly of the whole universe because it was made for Christ and by Christ that everything is to be gathered together in Him. 

He continues to say that if that whole point, to be made into Christ and to be made perfect, thats all Christ is going to help us with. He said Christ probably meant "The only help I will give you is help becoming perfect. You may want something less: but I will give you nothing less." Whatever suffering it may cost us and may cost Him, he will never rest nor let us rest until we are perfect and God can say I am well pleased with you as He did with Christ. He can do this and He will do this. But he will not do anything less. The question is not what we would like to be but what he intended us to be when he made us. Of course we will never want to be made into the sort of creatures he intends us to be. 

2 Corinthians 9

No element of our lives need be separated from the gospel. Jesus, come to class with me. Be with me in every conversation, remind me that in every encounter I have the chance to love people in the way their heart yearns for. I can listen fully and attend to their needs and get to know their heart as you do. I can treat them as your sons and daughters. My giving lord has become uncheerful because I have lost sight of it as a way to be pulled deeper into your intimacy and pull others in too. How resistant my heart is to suffering for your name, when the disciples took great joy in such a thing. There is deep healing, Lord, in suffering with people. I am so overwhelmed by the problems of those around me but you are Immanuel, God with us. The greatest gift is not that you can take away our suffering but that you will experience the fullness of our suffering with us. And that is something all your disciples can do. We don't have to have money or solutions or answers. More than anything we all need someone to suffer and rejoice with us and that is what you call us to do with people. Just follow your lead.
Teach me Lord, what it means to sow bountifully and not sparingly. Saturate me with your love that I may sow seeds of your glory and deep love all throughout the day. I don't have to be afraid or concerned with the harvest of my sowing...you have met and will meet all my needs. In you, we will not run in vain. Jesus, every day I forget  that you can and want to satisfy all my needs and everything my heart is asking for. In so many relationships I get frustrated because I want more encouragement or to see greater growth or to feel like I'm being pursued and I can just imagine you saying "Its me! I'm the one who wants to encourage you endlessly, I'm the one who knows you perfectly, I am the one who is passionately pursuing you..." and if I am fully and deeply satisfied by you then I can come into relationships without all these demands and without all this clinging and all this heart guarding and not need to be loved by people. Of course the crazy part is that when I am fully reliant on you and your love, I do find deep satisfaction and joy in the beautiful relationships you have for me here. What changes is not everyone else but my reception. I go from demanding more and more from everyone to being able to see the miraculous ways they are already loving me.
In 2 Corinthians 9, the chapter that has guided my prayer to you, it says that people will glorify God because of my submission flowing from my confession of you. How you could use me for something so beautiful is astounding in itself. Remind me love, that it is my submission and confession and not my works that will lead to people glorifying you.

being known for Jesus

I'm wondering about the restlessness..

What it is and where it comes from. Why I am so resistant to the slow pace of life God is urging me towards. This anxiousness, this anticipation, this constant wishing and wondering about everything but today and right now...Is it just human? Do you know it as well? The desire to leave the present moment and move into the next one only to arrive and realize that it wasn't what I was anticipating. When I am impatient with people or with my classes or with anything really, there is no way I am going to patient with my time with Jesus. I am going to be looking for the fastest things to pull out of the Word and for the most important things to pray for and frustrated by my own, self incurred separation from him.

Dearest Jesus,

Slow me down. Remind me Lord, lovingly but firmly, that my schedule really isn't that important. That my value in the kingdom has nothing to do with what I am up to, that when I am too restless to be with you and to slow down my heart and my mind there is something serious going on. Your word is meant to be read slowly and deeply. My prayers are yours, too. Don't let it be an anxious monologue about my own and everyone else's struggles but let me savor it. Let me realize that a prayer with you is bigger than any other event I could possibly have going on.

It strikes deep to realize that my patience with the least of these is my patience with you. That the people who I have the least patience for represent how I really feel about you because they are yours and you are crazy about them. Obviously I can act like I have infinite patience and love for you but thats because I can take so much control over our relationship: when we spend time together, how that time looks, where I read in the Word...

Peter and the disciples of Acts had people added to their number daily. They were sought out and they were known for their deep desire to care for people, to listen, to heal, to bring them into community. What am I known for and what do I want to be known for? My success? My titles? Being athletic? Being social justice oriented or intelligent? My ability to multi-task?

I think about how I still (I cant believe I still do this) pride myself in my busyness and service and my engagement in the community. And I think about how my suite mates will see me and say "I don't think I've seen you all week" and there is something in me that finds satisfaction in that. What a tragedy. What if they saw me as someone who loved them deeply and cared more for them and their lives then I do for my own agenda and who invited them into deep community and a more satisfying way of life. Or as one who had an unnatural amount of love for them. Or someone who they could genuinely share their heart with?

Lets be known for our patience. For our listening. For our love.

 For Jesus and his life in us. Nothing else.

satisfaction

We aren't ever going to be fully satisfied. No matter how good our day is or what we accomplish or whether we get that thing we've been hoping and praying for. Yes it will bring joy. But to think anything in this life will bring the joy and satisfaction our hearts are longing for simply isn't true. So its okay to be sad for no reason. Its reason enough that we're not home yet. We're not going to be home till were with Him and till we have arrived on eternity's shore. So we don't have to hide that longing for deeper life. I so often feel enslaved by a need to be happy and to be in a time of spiritual growth and to be excited about my ministry and my classes and to feel like everything is fantastic. But its not and thats okay.

             Now the danger is to sink into this sadness or this sense of apathy that says "why bother? our inheritance in in heaven, anyways. our life is just a mist." But I have found that there is freedom and joy in the understanding that the fullness of joy is something we are waiting and hoping for, not something we have already experienced. I seriously need to just lighten up. When it is a gorgeous day, I shouldn't wallow in how hard it is to develop relationships with urban girls and think about my inability to accomplish anything. I should realize that in my weakness he is strong and his victory is already here and appreciate the rather huge things He is up to, such as orchestrating a lovely day. We are free to find joy when we stop obsessing over the significance of everything. I thought being so engaged in ministry would make me feel like I am doing more but it really just highlights how little I can and will do. That though, inherently highlights what God can do. And when I let that burden lift I can delight in the fact that a random girl just told me she liked my Toms. Or that I exchanged a smile with a girl who I am connected to by sitting near each other in a social work class and that somehow has created a bond that never would have existed otherwise. or see it as a huge gift when I come across a friend. 

            The tension we must manage lies in the paradox that we are most satisfied when we realize we aren't really supposed to be satisfied here, in this life, at all. When the pressure is gone for perfect relationships and ministries and college or work or parenting or high school experiences we can delight in the imperfection of these things because they weren't ever meant to be perfect anyways. 

Identity

 My ministry, my grades, my service, my exercise, my diet, my activities, my relationships...I think all of it, at the deepest level is crying out because there is an identity crisis going on in my heart. My identity is summed in his love. But the nature of sin is that I have chosen to separate myself and seek identity elsewhere. And its killing me. I'm going against what it means to be human by putting my identity in what others think, in measurements of success, in my day to day schedule. I know who Jesus is. I know that he died just for me. I know that life is only in Him. But my heart forgets. Every. Day. Every single day of my life, this world wants me to believe that its a lie, just like satan wanted eve to believe that God was lying to her. The world and satan both say "He's lying. He doesn't really love you just as you are." Or, "He will love you more if you do this." Or "his love isn't as real as stuff here."

He'd never lie to us.

But we are told that every day. Don't underestimate the attack you are under. Don't think your life is easy. Being human is real hard. Because we are separated from our identity.  When I start to read about the fact that he wants to tell me who I am, my heart starts to ache and its like peeling layers of hardness and walls off of a calloused heart. Its okay to have a broken heart.
I used to think that my irritation with people was just normal. But there is something serious going on. Because when I take the time to see how he loves me, I look at people and I just love them. Because I have nothing to hide and nothing to be strong about and no matter what they are like I know they are just like me and in need of tons and tons of grace. But usually I look at people and I rate them and I compare myself to them and I criticize them and I compete with them and I take joy in their struggle and brokenness. And I know thats terrible but I think maybe we are all doing the same thing and no one wants to tell anybody how terrible their heart really is. But we've got to bring it to the light because in the light is where healing starts. Lets go into a little about the identity Christ offers so that we don't keep clinging to the darkness..

When we are insecure about our own identities, we deprive other people of theirs to buttress our own, Parker Palmer said. Identity does not depend on the role we play or the power it gives over others. It depends on the fact that we are children of God, valued in and for ourselves. More than anything else we want to know who we are. We want to know that who we are is okay. We were made for Him and He's the only one who knows who we are because he made us. And He's the only one who can tell us that not only is who we are okay but that it is perfect. No one else can. Even if they wanted to. And no one else wants to because their ultimate concern is who they are. So we all wander anxiously through life, dying to know who we are and that we are beautiful and begging everyone and everything to tell us that its true and its a huge tragedy really. But thats not the end of the story because God can tell us and he wants to tell us and he is pursuing us endlessly and doing everything he can to tell us. But the question is how do know? How can we be sure? And the answer is

Christ.

We are his Beloved. I promise. You are loved deeper and more passionately than you will ever know and you have been loved with an infinite amount of love before you were born and until after you die and the love never fluctuates. It never lessens and it never rises. It just is. If I don't relearn this every day its inevitable that I will devour the flock God has entrusted to me and destroy my little field I am toiling and harvesting in. Because I will seek my identity from the state of my flock and the size of my harvest. And I will be using it for my own gain and worth and identity.

Here is one last prayer I stumbled upon on about who we are and how to love others and their unique identity..

You have been dreaming of me Lord
Thinking of me, loving me. 
I am the first one so made and the last, 
indispensable to humanity. 
You have an eternal plan for me alone
Give me the grace to discover and to live what you have dreamed for me. 
Lord, living in your grace, let me share a little, through the attention I give to others, 
your loving care for us. 
Let me, on my knees, adore in them the mystery of your created love. 
Let me respect your idea of them without trying to impose my own. 
May I allow them to follow the path that you have marked out for them without trying to take them along mine. 
May I realize that they are indispensable to the world and that I cant do without the least of them. 
May I never tire of looking at them and enriching myself with the treasures you have entrusted to them. 
Help me to praise you in their journeyings, to find you in their lives. 

our deepest identity

Jesus chose Saul, a persecutor of the church to carry the gospel. He took one who was persecuting him and those that Jesus loved and made him a chosen instrument. If he chose Saul, it follows that he has chosen us as well, though we persecute him just as Saul did. I imagine jesus says something like this to you and to me:

You are chosen. You are broken beyond belief and you are chosen to carry my name. There is nothing you did to make you worthy to carry my name. There is nothing you will ever do to make you worthy to carry my name. You did everything to make you not able to carry my name. You excluded yourself from ever carrying my name. But I have chosen you to carry my Name. Chosen you. Chosen. 

That is your identity. Beyond anything else. Beyond any success, any failure, in prestige, any sin. We're chosen. That was our name before our parents named us. Our name woven into us when his hands formed us in the depths. The name written on his heart for each of us when the world was formed, when sin came crashing, the last thought Christ had...it your face that gave the courage to go to the cross and it is his face that gives us the courage to go. 

Chosen to carry the unsearchable riches of Christ to every human being. Entrusted with people, the very beloved of God himself. Why in the world would he entrust us with something so important? We'll never know. But we can know that we are chosen and that we are loved. 

Jesus is Alive

Dear Lord,

         I've been struck by the lack of prayer in my life lately. Such a rich, sweet gift you have given us that I rarely take the time to soak in. How lovely that you want to know me. I still sometimes pray as if I am giving a report, making requests, almost treating it like  buisness meeting or like you asked me what I've been doing. I know that every time I talk to you, you are delighted, but I imagine that maybe you just want to be with me and spend time together. To appreciate your creation together. To lauch or to cry together. As I have been learning about what it means to care for someone, I am beginning to feel that if I am not intentional about praying for them, I cant possibly be caring for them well. It changes my entire perception about them and grows my love so much when I really pray for someone, thinking about the gifts you have given them, the impact they are making, their needs and their struggles. And it draws us together, Jesus, as we ponder over this delightful person you have created so well. I've come to the conclusion that I cannot be pursuing or discipling more people than I can be intentional about praying for. Prayer really does change everything, yet I so rarely make it a priority. The depth and desplacement of it turns me away to safer territory..reading a book, checking email, meeting with people...Even now, God literally as I write this, I think of someone I need to call, a project I need to start working on, my schedule for the day, whats happening tomorrow...It is so hard just to be with you and focus on you but you are far more worthy of my attention and thoughts and prayers than anything else. Any thing else.
           Jesus, I have been so amazed by the ways I have seen you in people this week. You have humbled me by showing me how at work you are in the soil of the soul of everyone I encounter. You really dont need me at all. But, still you bring me in and let me be a part of it. I am often so concerned with whats next, what still needs improvement, where people are far from you..there is so much to celebrate! The spiritual depth of my bible study girls is astounding. One of them last night was talking about how life with you is just so much more beautiful and how she would never imagine it another way. Other friends have come with brilliant ideas about how to make much of Jesus like a bible study running group. Okay, my church in Chesapeake sent me a valentines day care package. I felt so loved. Members at church here are doing crazy things for the kingdom. A man I met sunday named Jimmy wanted to tell me all about you. He looked like you. Seriously I just looked at his face and I understood some small bit of the gravity of your statement that when we feed the hungry we're feeding you. It just turns me on my head Jesus that I am going down there to encounter you, not to bring you to people. Youre already there. And my family, love. I don't even know how to treasure them the way my heart wants to. And Libby Ryder finished her last chemo. Done. Cancer has no hold on you Jesus. Death cannot contain you. Nor us.
        The more I am with you Jesus, the more I want to talk about everyone else and how beautifully they are glorifying you and the less I want to talk about my life. Except the parts that you saturate. But its nice to take the pressure off and realize its all you. The disciples in acts said, Jesus youre the one stretching your hand out to heal, not us. It may look like our hands but its not at all. Let that be my prayer everyday. You heal south Raleigh. You show girls how beautiful they are. You raise up Godly men who want to die to themselves that you may live. You grow beautiful women of Christ who understand that the call to submission is a beautiful thing, not something to scorn or deny. You have reconciled everything to yourself and the victory has been won. Let us celebrate what you did and do and will do forever and give us the courage to do what we absolutely cannot that all will know its you. That they will see our boldness and that we are uneducated, common people and know that we have been with you. Thats the hope. (Acts 4)

the harvest

The parable of the sower is unspeakably rich and beautiful. It is such a testament to how to build relationships and make much of Jesus. When we face the desperate situation of those who don't know Jesus, the temptation is to lessen our mission, by expecting a rich and and plentiful harvest immediately and neglecting our field if that is not made manifest. The way of Christ is counter-cultural. Our culture wants us to maximize results for minimum effort in every situation. The bigger you field and the more you harvest in the shortest amount of time is the ultimate goal. How much money can you make? What stocks do we invest in? Diet supplements to lose weight fastest. Multi-tasking. Cliff notes so you don't have to read the book. Email so you don't have to send a letter. Text so you don't have to call. This is so me. I don't know if anyone is as bad about this as I am.
And it is so evident in my impatience with ministry and relationship building. I so quickly become discouraged when relationships aren''t deepening when girls aren't growing, when maturing-personal and communal is occurring at an excruciatingly slow place. And then throw in the impoverished community and the struggle is just staggering. Which is why we want to give a few bucks or a an hour or whatever, because the issues are deeply rooted and widespread.
But lets look at this through the perspective Jesus uses. With Jesus one person becomes an entire field. Think about the labor and care a farmer puts into his field. The time to develop rich soil before you can even plant seeds and the entire process of nourishing seeds to grow..the harvest is light years a way it seems. What if we were to care for individuals as fields? We get frustrated when there seems to be no harvest, but all we did was throw seeds on infertile soil of surface level relationships. Of course there wont be a harvest. The seeds weren't even planted, let alone given the opportunity to grow. The kicker is that there is a risk that we may pick one person and care for them and get to know them and plant seeds and nourish and grow those seeds in them and still not reap the harvest. The beauty is that the harvest belongs to God just as the field does, so its not our harvest. Any harvest is entirely due to what he has done in our hearts. We may have the glorious blessing of seeing life changed and transformed by the gospel but God asks us for obedience, not for results. Thats so beautiful to me. That you can labor your whole life on a few people and maybe not see any of them come to Jesus and Jesus will welcome you into the kingdom with open arms saying well done my good and faithful servant. Because there is no pressure on us. All will be done and already has been done by Jesus. We are not responsible for anyone's salvation. Yet we are called, every single one of us, to go out and make disciples and follow Jesus. Whether that is at college, in Africa, with our kids, with our co workers, in our churches, on our streets, in our brothels...one call. So if you don't have that person or that family yet, the person that you are willing to die for daily to pursue them, starting with the soil of the relationship and moving forth in a lifelong process...pray hard about who it may be. They're everywhere. The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. And if, like me, you've taken on too big of a harvest that you cannot possibly care for, we cant selfishly keep that out of yearning for our own power and significance in the kingdom. Our significance is entirely based on Christ, and his labor through us, not the harvest.

the local church

         I am beginning to see how incredibly important it is that in every confrontation I have with someone, whether verbal or just noting something about them, I must also confront my own brokenness. It is my tendency to point out the brokenness of every single other person I encounter just to take the attention off of my own. It is only when I am resting in Jesus's ever powerful love for me that I can confront my brokenness first and then address the struggles that others may be facing. 

       My pastor today urged us to move away from any level of legalism and our natural tendency to create our own rights and wrongs where the bible has not made that clear, while also ignoring the actual truths that just aren't convenient or comfortable. He said we have to stop seeing things as good and bad and starting looking at whether engaging in them is running towards or from Jesus.  None of creation is inherently bad, things become bad when we warp them. Or, every terrible thing is rooted in something beautiful and godly gone wrong. Tyler (my pastor) asked if we're not engaging in anything of our culture: TV, alcohol, sports, various forms of leisure, etc. how we can we relate and love unbelievers, doubters and skeptics well? How can we learn what our culture values, what they are thinking, and how we can minister to them? For example, I have a tendency to harvest a hardness towards drinking alcohol in my heart that is not biblical. He said there is absolutely nothing wrong with him going with his neighbors to have a beer at Raleigh Times. That is the best way to engage with his neighbors because that is what they enjoy. He said he has no desire to get drunk or let alcohol gain any control over his mind or actions. To not do that with his neighbors would be to refuse to engage with them. He also said that when we make things right or wrong that are not clear cut such as drinking, we lose our credibility to stand and say things are absolutely wrong such as the porn industry. 

      Being a part of a church where everything is centered entirely on making much of Jesus, where every decision is saturated in prayer and scripturally founded, where deep community is inherent not optional has been beyond huge for my walk with Jesus. Its redeeming my vision of marriage, sin, and constantly revealing my own brokenness and terribly skewed thoughts while showering me with the love and forgiveness and beauty of Christ who loves me in the midst of my brokenness. The New Testament life is livable in and through the body of Christ. I would argue though that its possible only in a local church that belongs entirely to Christ. I used to think going to church wasn't really that important. That it was good to do but you can follow Jesus with or without church. Now, there is no doubt that salvation is not through church membership or attendance or anything else we do, but through Christ and what he did. Yet, not being engaged in the local church fully goes directly against the way Jesus lived and God called us to live and directly against Scripture. As a triune God, he is inherently communal, as are we as his creation. Real community is found in Christ and Jesus chose the church to be his bride and his body. Nothing else. We cant really be part of the bride or the body without the local church. And it is probably the greatest thing we will ever have the chance to be a part of  in our lives. Actually, Jesus and following him in community is the undeniably the greatest thing. And the way people will know we belong to him. 

Date Night

Take a night to date Jesus. What could be more beautiful? I rarely do. A night for urban girls? Sure. A trip home? Definitely. Dinner with friends? Whenever. Jesus? Maybe next week. how about tonight? How about tonight, I give him my night...always thinking how little time I have for prayer, meditation, writing, pouring over the scripture...always wanting to go far for what is close at hand. Give him a night and see what he does with it. A whole night with the love of our lives. Just might be beyond beautiful.

Seriously, why do I wait for something bad to really be intentional about being in love with him? Why am I so greedy with my time? What sort of relationship do we give this little time to? We know we have to be intentional about getting to know people and spending time with them, but not Him? Not the one who ransomed us from our futile ways, not the star maker, not the one made manifest to be with us?

Tonight is yours Jesus. Court me, love me. Dance me. Take my life. I'm yours.

Come to my rescue

When a branch separates from the vine, it withers and dies. I'm trying to separate myself from the vine right now. I'll wither apart of Jesus. All my hope is in him. He told this parable about a banquet where he invited all these people but they said they were busy, that they didn't have time for his banquet. So he called the poor and blind and crippled and lame and said come to my banquet. I think that I would be in the group who says they are busy. Please, Jesus, don't ever let me think that what I am doing is so important I don't have time for you. Please remind me everyday that all my offerings amount to nothing, that you made one offering at one moment in time and you perfected me for all time with that offering. And you perfected all people who are being sanctified with that offering. God I don't really want to invite you into my heart today because I am very comfortable with a business exchange between us or viewing you as my manager or a friend or someone who I can be close to but not too close but you're coming in and all the way in. Where I wouldn't let anyone else go. And thats okay because you will love me. You know me and you have known me since before creation and you will know me until the end of eternity. Even I don't know me like you do. And we get to be together even though there was no hope of reconciliation until christ. But now that we do have confidence to draw near, don't let me neglect from drawing near. Don't let me decline the banquet. You know my heart. Take it. A shepherd who is not fed well cant care for their sheep. They may devour them. Or let the sheep devour them. There is nothing honorable about a starving shepherd. Not to mention, you are the shepherd and we are all just sheep. While variation may seem vast to me, in terms of separation from who you are, we are equally far. All entirely broken. Let me look at all those you have allowed me to touch and all those who have touched me and see them how you do. Nothing less than beloved. Let every ounce of my focus be upon you and you only. Let my whole gaze rest on you all the time. Looking upon you changes everything. I cant change myself. I am part of the brokenness of this world, not part of the solution. I am breaking creation and destroying it not saving it, not making it perfect. But you are restoring it to yourself and restoring me to yourself. And thats all that matters. Don't let me be so afraid of prayer and solitude and the darkness I have to face in my resting and the strength it takes to truly rest and be with you in fullness. Drawing near is terrifying. I cant do it without you. I love you.

Krystal

life change.

Alright my life changed tonight.

I went to Vintage and heard a speaker but none of that really matters because it was Jesus who just cut me to the heart tonight.

First, Jesus is it. He is our whole life, he is the entire focus of our church, he is everything we are ooking towards and striving for and breathing for. There is nothing else. I used to not want to say that because its really exclusive but that is like getting the cure for cancer and not telling people because fight now there are lots of theories and ways of dealing with it. When I see people seeking life in things that will literally destroy them, how can I just let them do that if I love them? Thats like a mom not stopping her kid from drowning because he chose to fall into the pool. And the biggest thing is, its not like I'm here to tell the gospel in like a minute and check that box. I've got to love them! I've got to get loving the girls in my suite and the Park Scholars and my siblings and my city and my church in a way that only Jesus can. In a way that does not blend in with the rest of my life.

We talked about Jesus heals us and that is the most important thing about us. And the people who will be MOST impacted by our healing are the ones that saw the depth of our brokenness. Because if the man with the withered hand went to a different town and said you're not going to believe what jesus did to my hand they would be like "you're right." but the people in his town, who saw his hand, seeing it healed would change their life. I'v got to go back to the ones who know the depth of my brokenness and say, he healed me. He told me everything I ever did. Jesus says I will lead you to the place you want to go least. The place where you have no hope of living for me. The hardest place for you to love me and to live transformed. For me, and for most of us, thats going to be where we are known, not where no one knows us. Thats our friends and our family. Our co workers. Our home church.

The first place we have to start is the relationships we are already in: This is what we are striving for: to live in a way that when someone asks my mom what Jesus's love is like, she would say, you know how my daughter loves me and cherishes me and respects me? Thats what he's like. Times a million And the person would be amazed and say oh, I never imagined he was that loving and beautiful. Or my friends would say, you know how she lifts me up and is always there and listens and cherishes me? thats the closest thing I can show you to describe Jesus's love. Or if you're married, you know how my husband honors me and calls me beautiful and dies to himself that I may have life and I delight in submission to him? Thats Jesus.

What if we were living like that???

One thing that I hope to pray on everyday is what if Jesus came to us, about to take us to be with him in eternity, and said alright I'll give you twelve more hours, how would you spend those 12 hours?

What if we lived if everyday was like that?  Like its our last chance to love people and to tell them about the one who loves them more then they have ever dared to hope for and to invite them to eternity with us and him?

When I approach the throne I want to be beyond exhausted, able to say, good thing you took me when you did because I would not have made it another day, another hour. To say, Jesus I have nothing left. I gave everything I had. I wasted nothing. We don't have time to mess around. This is it. Its all over the new testament and the old. People pouring their lives out. Letting go of everything else. People having the courage to leave everything they know and people having the courage to not be the person their town has known forever. People dying to themselves. People saying that to live is Christ and to die is gain. PEople realizing that we are broken beyond anything we can even imagine and then knowing that christ more capable to forgive then we are to sin. That we cannot out sin his forgiveness. That when he said it is finished it is our darkest sin that is finished and was finished from before creation and will be finished until the end of eternity.

 That is the gospel we have been entrusted with.