Hope

I am overwhelmed by you God. So overwhelmed. You are my king and my redeemer. You are too good to me. Really God, I don’t deserve you, and you give me your whole self. And when I surrender my need to be used by you, you use me in ways that are better than I ever would have dreamed of. I don’t know how you love me the way you do, but right now, in this moment I am sure of your love the way am sure of the sun. Lord, I know that I have come to you and you have covered me with your garment. I don’t have any words for you God. I know that the spirit intercedes for me right now, as I am only able to sit and say thank you. Thank you for making me your own. I strive to make you my own, to know Christ and him crucified. There is nothing else for me, God. I know that you are worthy of every ounce and every second of my life.

Thank you for opening my eyes to who I am. A sinner. An idolater. A rebel that rejected you. Thank you for showing me that I have been bought by the blood of your son. That no other price would do. That there is nothing left for me to pay. That my goodness, my ministry doesn’t cut it. You do. You pay the price.

I trust you God. Because you are better than I can ask or imagine. And as I let myself be stripped of all but you, I fall for you again. Again, I want to be the beloved. Not just be named the beloved, labeled the beloved, intellectually beloved. But live Belovedness. Live being a daughter of God. Live the preparation for my wedding day. How can I be the bride of Christ? How can that really be true? It is too good God. Far too good. And not just me. The church. All the people I know who are yours one bride. All the people I know hurting. All those I know in despair. Some of the girls I lead in young life. These urban kids who have never known love, the girls who have never been called beautiful-some of them will be with me. We will be the bride together. The daughters of yours who I have been with this weekend, struggling together. Talking about the sin that enslaves us. We will be perfect, your bride together. The one I am thinking of, who has been in more pain than I know, who I have not served and entered into the brokenness as I have meant to-she will be made perfect with me. She is your beloved. When I say in my heart there is no hope, you say to me 

Look at my Son on the cross and don’t say that there is no hope. There is the blazing center of all the hope that has been ever been-hope was lost and hope was found and hope is all wrapped in the One who paid for your sin and paid for the sin you see and paid for the sin that in slaves. Hope abounds. Hope abounds in the tent city that has a piece of your heart. Hope abounds in the little one you have not forgotten that God has called you to since you met her on a too hot, too good to be real day in Port au Prince. Hope abounds for that little class of Gods children struggling to read and struggling to learn in that school that God loves so much in Raleigh. Hope abounds despite the materialism you are afraid will choke the ones you love. Hope is Christ. That is all it has ever been and all it will ever be.

I have put hope in myself and what I can do for people. I have put hope in people and what they can do for me. But without the Savior there is no hope in either of those-I will crush and be crushed because I am sinner and so is every one else. But in Christ, in hope in Him, there is hope in the body, there is hope people because we no longer live-he lives in us. In him we live and move and have our being. So we become instruments of hope because we become Christ. That is the mystery of the gospel and this mystery is profound. 

There is something in me that still desires glory…that still says, how big will my life be for you God? And I know that in that question is a desire for my glory. I’m sorry God, for putting my glory and my needs and my desire to be appreciated and well used before you. When I am for you and for you alone, my glory will cease to be a thought. Begin to make me like that now so that I can be a servant for you. I know that every struggle you give me allows me to minister.


The shackles don’t have to be binding. I choose to place them on, because you broken the bonds. You have set the captives free. And I am a captive. And you will work your gloriousness into the brokenness-not only redeeming me fully but going above and beyond as you have done with the brokenness of my family or the brokenness of my growing up years by giving me compassion and a heart for girls. 


I know that in so many ways my heart is like yours. I thank you for what you have revealed to me and what you have done in me to give me a heart that looks like yours in so many lovely ways. I know that my walk with you and my passion for you and drawing people to you is a gift that I did not earn or did not deserve as I once walked in darkness, hating others and living for myself. I know that you have chosen me since the foundation of the world and that is why I follow you. Not because of my goodness but because of yours. And I know you have lots more to do with me. And I thank you for all that you have to do with me. Even though its going to be a process and a journey. You love the process. It’s a process we do together. And one day, this won’t be such a struggle. I pray you help me to let go of people and to hold tight to you, knowing that people are not mine, they are yours. All yours, only yours. 

Ephesians 1:1-10

I am a saint to Christ.
I am faithful in Christ.
Scripture tells me my true identity.
Blessed be God. Not blessed be me. Not blessed be any person. Blessed be God. The Father of Christ and the Father of me and you. This blessed one blesses us (all His own doing) with every spiritual blessing. We are in the Spirit not in the flesh. The flesh fears, the Spirit has faith.
He chose me. He chose you.
We are chosen by god to be holy and blameless. 
We are not chosen to be sinful and broken and condemned. We are chosen to be nothing less than holy and blameless.
I am-in every sense-one with Christ. He chose me. Which is why HE carries the good work (us) to completion. I am where I am, a follower and a lover of Christ, because (and only because) He chose me. If he chose me, he also paid for me. IF the choosing is His I cannot lose it. There is only gain. There is no loss for the one God has chosen in. There is no point in questioning God's goodness. He was beyond good to choose me. He chose me before the foundation of the world. My choseness has nothing to do with the life I have lived and everything to do with the life Christ lived.
I did some contemplative prayer before digging into the Word. I heard only lies. I cannot be the mediator between me and God. I distort everything in my pain and bitterness. Scripture is the mediator. Christ is the mediator. Christ is the ultimate true, whole Word of God. All Scripture reveals Him to me. Through Scripture He reveals himself to me. 
In love, he predestined you and I both for adoption as daughters and sons through Christ according to the purpose of his will to the praise of HIS glorious grace with which he has blessed us individually in the Beloved. God makes himself known to us in Christ. WE ARE ADOPTED.
In Him, we have redemption through his blood. Not in ministry, the amount of people we bring to him, or anything we do. In Him we have the forgiveness of trespasses ("Your sins have been forgiven" he said to the paralytic who was lowered to him through the roof by his friends. He did not start with rise up and walk. Sins are the bigger thing-more significant. If my sins have been forgiven, if I truly possess the love of God then healthy or sick, single or married, dead or alive, walking or paralyzed-it doesn't really matter. I have the love of God for whose sake I have lost all things-for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ and him crucified.) We have this forgiveness according to the riches of his grace which he lavished upon us. He made known to us his will (the mystery of his will) which was set forth in Christ to unite all things in him.

Corrie ten Boom wrote

(My) Fathers whole life was focused on Jesus, and Jesus made him a mirror of His love and His glory. A mirror doesn't have much to do. To do its job it just must hang or stand in the right direction. You and I don;t have to do a great deal either. We need only to look to the Lord Jesus and He will make us like mirrors and He does it so well! We don't need to strive and try to be a blessing but just look in the right direction. When you get to heaven, people may say to you, You invited me here. Then you will ask, "when did I tell you about heaven?"  You will discover that Jesus used you when you were really looking to him. 


God,

I love that you are a solid rock. I love that you are my father and that you are deeply secure. I love that you are true. I love that you don’t come to me with anger and with pain and demand that I make you better. Because you are for me. And I am hurt by you when you don’t need me, but you are not supposed need me. I need you. You satisfy me. I don’t satisfy you, you are already satisfied. 

I just trust you and I love you and I thank you for being secure. And being consistent. And being present. And showing up in my life. I’m here and you aren’t obligated to show up but you did and I love that you reveal yourself in a deep way to me and that we are close. And I love the way jesus and his disciples are. You told them, and you tell us, you are not my servants, I have made you my friends. I have revealed to you all that Father has shared with me. Therefore, abide in my love. 

To you (and me), from Christ.

Sweet child,

 I love seeing you training for godliness. Do you have any idea how much you are growing? It delights me little one. I love seeing you in my word. I am so delighted with you. You are such a wonderful daughter. I love meeting your needs. My love for you is more than you know. It endures forever.  I love when you want to be like me. I love to be intimate with you. Don’t run around. Don’t have shame. You have life in me. Life to the full. You cannot fail me because I am the secure one. You are weak but I am strong. You are imperfect but I am perfect. My grace is sufficient for you. 

Come to me, thirsty one, and drink deeply of living water. You will not be thirsty again. I know your thirst and I know the secret and blatant things that you satisfy your thirst with. I know the things that you love that are not me. You are free from them. Your chains are gone. Anchor yourself in hope. Trust in the Word, which is pure and sweet and searching. Let me search you and know you. I promise I will not find you wanting. I will not turn you away. I will redeem you with my own blood. Let me compell you daily to die to yourself and live to me. My way is the way. My truth is the Truth. My life is Life. Trust me. 

From a letter I wrote to a great friend..

"The beautiful news in all this is that Christ is a healer. And God is my Father. The other good news is that he loves me when I am doing nothing for him, as the past few weeks have been-of course I am not doing "nothing" but not being in school, not having "ministry," not working or making money, just being home. 

I think my fear right now is that I am just getting started, just beginning to peel the initial layers of healing and that I won't have the strength to carry through and I will fall back into the same struggles, the same behaviors, the same idols that I have not been freed from for as long as I can remember. I am afraid that I will go back to school and again fill my schedule and pour out and out and out and do more and more ministry and flee from healing, feeling, intimacy-all these things that I am just starting to look into. I know that this is the beginning of a long journey that I have started before and abandoned quickly. I am reminded of Christ's words-"the way is narrow and few take it."

Stillness, prayer, contemplation, accountability-they are so hard. So rarely practiced by anyone, even Christians. It is much more instant gratification to cover my struggles with serving and always, always focus on someone else. But I also think back to my first semester of college, where I spent so much time with the Lord. I had a lot of deep genuine joy that semester-the most I have ever had. I don't have to be discouraged because I know Jesus Christ and all that I cannot do he has already done and the work that HE has begun in me HE will carry to completion. So, my discouragement is rooted in truth because I CANT do it. I cant heal myself. I can't muster the courage to feel normally, or to rewire my brain so that the feelings that arise can travel safely to the logical side of my brain instead of being immediately dismissed or buried or avoided. But He can! He made my brain. Of course he can heal it. He made my soul, and he can heal it. 

He has already done the impossible with me-taken a sinner who hated and rejected him and chose myself and my independence over Him and given me a HUGE passion and love for him and a deep, intimate relationship with Him that so few have. He has already worked the greatest miracle-bringing me from spiritual death to life, revealing my sinfulness, making me a new creation-one where I no longer live but He lives in me. 

Its so crazy how even in the process of writing this letter he has given me hope when I started to walk down a path of despair about my brokenness."

Know that the lord has every intention to heal all the brokenness in you and in your life. It is God who has established us in Christ and has anointed us and who put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee. 

It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in says the Lord

 I am home.

And old wounds are raw and exposed.

And I am child again, in this house, and my pride and my egotism is injured by the thought.

And I am scared that the things that I am learning are going to fade away because they aren’t new to me, I have known them a long time now.

This I know. I got on my knees today and said “Be still and know that I am God.”

Over and over again.

So I could remember that I am not alone, that I belong to one who is with me.

Who has promised to never leave me nor forsake me.

Who humbles me.

I lift my hands up.

Which may not be a lot, but it is something.

Prayer does something, as deep cries out to deep.

And peace that does indeed pass all understanding, stills the anguish that I had gotten to you, the turbulence of the soul that can be ignored.

I found Him in an unexpectedly deep way in a moment that I was extra crushed by imperfect-ness.

God makes a covenant with David. David, in his love, comes to God and says “I will build a house for you to dwell in.”

A mighty task. Admirable. Self sacrificing. Something that people would look and say, see how much David loves the lord. See how much he serves him.

But God comes to Nathan and tells him to tell David,

It is not you who will build me a house to dwell in. For I have not lived in a house since the day I brought up Israel but I have gone from tent to tent and from dwelling to dwelling. In all the places where I have moved with all Israel, did I speak a word to whom I commanded to shepherd my people, saying Why have you not built me a house of cedar. Now therefore, thus shall you say to my servant David, I took you from the pasture from following the sheep to be prince over my people Israel and I have been with you wherever you have gone and have cut off all your enemies from before you. And I will make for you a name, like the name of the great ones of the earth.

So humbling and so loving. David, it almost seems that he says, I love your passion for me. I love your desire to serve me. I love how you want to show the world my greatness. But remember, David, it is I who saved you. I will show my greatness by the work that I do in your life. And greater than this, it is I who will establish the throne of one our your offspring and will confirm him in my house forever.

It is God who has pursued me. And loved me. And saved me, through his son.

I’m sitting in my kitchen. I’m going to go to the Y with my mom today. I’m going to go to campaigners tonight, where I am not a leader, I am just a participant. Hopefully I can help making dinner and unloading the dishwasher. I’m really praying my little brother will come to campaigners.

That’s today. Its not magnificent. Its not daring. Its not Haiti or inner city. Its not saving lives or saving souls-but I am saved. I am saved by a God who is humbling me the way that he humbled Jacob, who would not stop running from him. He is humbling me the way he humbled David, as I so often come to him and say, I’m going to preach to those who have never heard lord. I’m going to be a counselor for you lord. I am going serve all day every day for you Lord.

But he says, Krystal. It was I who brought you up in a country and in a family where you got to go to a church and begin to learn the scriptures. It was I who was faithful to you and watching over you in middle school and high school when you pursued everything but me. It was I who revealed myself to you and changed you forever that starry night at Rockbridge. It was I who took you to Chrysalis so you could see my love lavished upon you. It is I who chose to allow brokenness in your life because I am healing you and I am using you to be present in that same brokenness in the lives of others. It was I who sent you to Nicaragua so that you could fall for a life on mission for me. It was I who sent you to be a leader of 8 middle school girls so that you could see that the only thing worth living for are girls falling in love with Jesus and being sealed for eternity with us. It was I who sent you to NC State, stripped you of all that kept you comfortable so that we could grow closer than ever before. It was I who chose you for inner city ministry in Raleigh, and I who have sustained and equipped you. I am the God of the girls that you so dearly love and I am with them when you are not. You do not need to fix them, but to point them to me because I am their Savior and their Redeemer and you are neither. It was I who sent you to Haiti, I who chose the kids that would set your heart on fire for orphans, who again stripped you of so much so that you could see me, know me, love me and worship me. And it is I who brought you to Chesapeake, where I knew you would be humbled beyond what you dreamed that you could bear, and made you a child again, because darling you are my child. Do not be so resistant to being a child. I know that you think that you are better than being anyone’s child. I see how deeply you want to be a mother and how much you despise being a child. I’m going to redeem that darling. Jesus Christ is my Son. I am to him a gather and he is to me a son. Therefore, you are to me a daughter.