pick up your cross?

Ive been asking this week, what does it mean to be a follower fo christ? Which is so odd to me because I feel like its something I've said Ive been doing for some time But it hit me today that its something I should always be asking. And while I was running I was struck with the thought the Christ is a person and that he is alive and that I get to be much like the disciples that walked with him. That we are in a relationship and all that comes with it. That we are going to wrestle and I am going to make mistakes and its going to be an adventure and that our interaction is of utmost importance and that being a christian doesnt meaning agreeing with the statement that Jesus Christ died for our sins but it means going after and getting to know and professing to follow this unpredictable, loving, unconventional rabbi that lived a long time ago but still is alive and has given us his spirit and that somehow because we have his spirit we not only interact with him but in some crazy sense ARE him that we are living breathing parts of his very body and share the exact same spirit he had and that every word that he said and everything he did impacts us directly. And I have decided that it is far more mundane and revolutionary than I ever dreamed. It is mundane in the sense that it is here and now where we already are and our lives on the outside may not look very exciting or radical but it is revolutionary because the call is to love the people who are already in our lives in a way that does not exist outside of christ. And also that there is a calling for our lives. Something real and specific that we are each being shaped to do and if we do the thing and live the life God has designed specifically for us, we will not have that gnawing desire for meaning and prpose. But I have also been chewing on a very wise thing that was said to me just the other day: "I am quite convinced that one of the devils most successful tactics is to keep christians busy doing good things that keep them from doing the thing God has called them to do. And so it is almost guaranteed that I am going to be consistently tempted to not stick with anything , but to move from mission to mission, looking for my calling and that willkeep me from doing the thing God has clearly set up and equipped me for.
There is no formula to being a disciple. There are clear directions, namely the word. Everything is in there.
In Matthew 16 he says, if anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
I dont know exactly what it means to take up my cross. But I do know that the cross means death. So it means I have to die to myself and all my plans and reasoning and ideas will be replaced with obedience to God. But it is hard to figure out what that looks like day in, day out. I guess it starts with all the stuff Im clinging to, with taking prayer seriously, with loving people in a way that is not fun or easy or self serving. And I think with other people, its a matter of listening and asking what they are living for. And if they are looking for something to live for, humbling saying well this is who I live for, and I know that he is already in love with you and already after you and I think its a matter of really getting to know people who are Christian and wrestling together with what it means for our life.
And it also means getting to know the word and the law and the covenant and making that more central than my feelings and my thoughts and my tendency to swing through extremes.
The other thing that hit me throughout my time in haiti is that you can be a missionary in haiti and not be saying, "thy will be done" and you can be a student at nc state or a mom in chesapeake or a young professional and be saying daily "thy will be done" and submitting to the lordship of christ and be living out discipleship more than the "missionary."
And I think thats beautiful that its not about the job you have or where you are but that you are concerned with your specific call and joyfully go after it with your whole heart no matter how small or huge that it is.
Whe I stop asking these basic questions of what it means to be a follower or what God wants for my life daily or how the little things of the present can glorify him or think that I have a grasp on the gospel I am in trouble.
But for now I'm still wrestling. Still being humbled. Still learning obedience and my strong resistance to it. Still falling in love.

just being, not doing

Its getting harder. Being here. I was asked today if I was getting bored. Which hadn't even occurred to me, because I havent been bored here. But it triggered something. Some sense of uselessness. And I also realized that I had been filling my time. With baking, reading, movies, errands, conversations. All good things. But I haven't been with God. And this morning I had some time to sit down with him and it was a tough interaction. I was just mad. Not at him, at myself. Because I didn't want to be with him. I just wanted to be doing something. I always just want to be doing something. I project my feelings abut myself onto him all the time, and refuse to listen to who he says that I am (Beloved). This is what I wrote in my journal as sort of the dialogue I felt like we were having (what I imagine God saying is in italics)

What is your hope founded on?
You of course.
Is it?
How you use me.
That's your biggest concern. What if I don't use you? What if I just love you? Is that enough? What if I say lay prostrate before me for 40 days? What if I say spend 40 years wandering in the wilderness? What if I say, like I said to Moses, "this is the land of which I swore to Abraham, to Issac, to Jacob, I will give it to your offspring. I have let you see it with out eyes but you shall not go there." So Moses, my servant, died on that mountain and that was my will.
Am I still good? Is the cross stripped of its power when you don't feel like I am using you in miraculous ways?What is your faith based on, you or me?
What if I want to be impressive?
I'll tell you right now that's a bottomless pit. Because no matter how impressed people are, and they will be impressed, its never going to be enough for you. And you are your own harshest critic.
I am already satisfied with you. I have been satisfied since before you are born and I will be in love with you for all of eternity that you stand in my presence and nothing can ever take that away. Ever ever ever. My mercy is new every morning.

And I was thinking about Jesus and how he was so darn normal. He ate and he slept and he prayed and he walked. And honestly, if my ministry looked like his, I would probably be looking for more. THAN JESUS. Already, I am. I'm 18 years old. There is nothing about Jesus's teen years or his twenties. What was even doing then? Being unnoticed. A normal Jewish son. Not mission trips. Not ministry. Well, again, I have some strange formula I use to determine what is and isn't ministry. Hanging out with high schoolers is and my grandparents isnt. Shoveling is and baking isn't. Being with Haitians is and Americans isnt. And its not until I write this that I start to see that it makes no sense and that it is not of God. And that it will harm me to live like this. And take me away from Him.

I had all these plans to do urban ministry and they worked out. I found an organization that would let me volunteer every day. But on the car ride back I realized I couldn't. I couldn't just go and go because then I would neglect the opportunity to write, think about Haiti, stay in touch with people I am already in relationships with, and wrestle with this obsession with serving the poor. Because even that can become idolatry. And it means I am using them to earn something I already have, Gods favor. But that is not loving. And same with the kids I could be volunteering with. The last thing urban kids need is someone who wants to hang out with them for a week. We each have to find the people in our little worlds that we can say, hey, Im here for life. For the good times and the bad, not for you to act a certain way, or get to a certain place in your life, but I am just going to be here. I love you. And I really think that is the most powerful way to share the gospel. Because essentially that's what Jesus says to us. I'm here forever. Regardless of how you feel about me, I still want you. I still want to share life with you. Enough that I came all the way down to live life with you. And then I died that we can be together forever. That's powerful stuff.

Be still and know that I am God.

I cant. I cant be still. I have so little patience to sit with God. I do love him more than anything else in the world. And I know that he alone offers life. But when he says, be still,  I cringe. I think that it is what I want when I have so much going on in my life, wistfully I think that I would so enjoy just spending time with him, but I move too fast. I need to many missions and projects and relationships and people to pour into. Even know Im supposed to be spending time with him and I am blogging. Because I think for right now this is as close as I can get. And I cant stop thinking about how much I would rather read about prayer or write about prayer or pray with someone than just enter the "dark perilous" road of true prayer, where we are left with nothing but ourselves and God. Because you start to realize things like that you dont really trust God. You do nominally but you still make your own scedule, doing what you think is best and the way you think he should use you. What a difficult thing it is to get to know God. And yet it should be our only concern. Knowing Christ JEsus and him crucified. PAul said everything else had lost its meaning for him. All else was rubbish. Strong words.
I still think about Haiti constantly. I go to bed thinking about it, dream about it all night, wake up thinking about it. I was trying to think of what its like and for some reasoon I thought of Avatar which I m sure sounds really ridiculous but he goes into this whole different world and starts to feel like hes a part of that world but then he is still and probably more a part of our world. I have a peace that it is good for me to be here not there. That this is where I should be. And that here I can spread this seed of love for Haiti and how God is using it to transform hearts like mine to far more. And here I am so so equipped to interact with people. Its my culture. My language. There are so many barriers to ministry anywhere else that I do not have in America. A lot of people say they come back from a third world country and appreciate all that they have. I cant really say that I feel that way. I have become extremely aware of our abundant wealth. Even though I knew statistically that we are the richest one percent or whatever it has a whole new meaning for me. But it is not a condecending sort of thing because I think for the most part our lives our just different. And its really not that haitians suffer more than we do. Because so much of the things we struggle with are made possible by the abundance of what we have. I think about the struggles we have with image and food and exercise and the energy we spend and money we spend trying to get to this elusive place where we are healthy and beautiful and how in Haiti thats not even an option. To think about eating healthy. You just eat as much as you can to stay alive. And you eat whatever is being served. And its food so its great. And you dont exercise just for the sake of exercising. Ever really. Your work demands it of you. One time I wa s asking about hiking and I just got blank stares. Because why would it be fun to walk about a mountain? Thats just life. But again this is not to say that haitians are perfect. There are so many things that we do well. Caring for our people. Providing education. Rich conversation. Sanitation. I have come to appreciate our strengths as a country and as a people so much. There are so many things about America I was blind to having never really been anywhere else, and I am so thankful for this insight and the ability to see it a little more from the outside.
I just have to be constantly made aware that God is the reason I loved haiti so much. because I met him there in new and lovely ways. And one thing that was really a gift is that being 5 weeks and being alone and not always being with people who had a thirst for Christ, it was not a spiritual high by any means really. It was more of encountering God in the grittiness of day to day life. In being humbled. All the time. Being made thankful and appreciative for people and things that I usually didnt think much about. It was learning to see a little bit more of how he feels about me. Because I must learn to see how he sees me. That is what will equip me to serve him and people. If I dont begin to grasp the depth of his limitless affection for me, I will demand the affection of everyone else in my life and I will not be able to proclaim the limitless affection he has for them. There is a universiality to the human race, in that we want to be loved in  a way that only God can love us. I really think that is at the root of all we do, all of our urge to perform, all of our desire for distractions and pleasures. People in Haiti loved me so well. Without even knowing me. And it has to be God alive in them. There is nothing else that could make sense out of it. I feel like my prayer needs to be, make me more like your orphans Lord. Who love without holding back. Who are not ashamed of their dependece on people. Who are able to accept being loved, not reject it. Who are not afraid of abandonment even though they have been abandoned. Who live in the present. They are very good teachers, orphans. Maybe thats why the bible talks a lot about orphans and widows. Not just because they need us, but because we need them.
Richard Rohr siad we cannot keep searching for the presence of God because it is already here. We cannot keep trying to earn or find something we have already obtained. He said everytime we take another breath it is because God allows us to breath and be alive and he chooses us now and now and now. So we need enough stillness to become aware. I need to realize that God does not like me any more or any less in Haiti. He does not like me less because I am spending money here to buy a plane ticket or a shirt that could save someones life there. Because God alone is good. Haiti is not good, America is not good, no place is good except heaven. There is good in all places because God has come to dwell among us and we can see him in all things if we know what we are looking at. Thats the tricky thing about faith is that once you believe you start to see.
I think I also have to remember though, and I remember feeling this so strongly while I was there, I cannot really minister to haitians in the way that haitians can. Just because I dont and I will never know what it is to be haitian. And as close as we can get, which is extremely close, and as much as we can partner together, (partnership, by they way, is my favorite word to describe our relationship with Haiti and Haitians) there are people like my family, people from my college and high school, even inner city people that I share ground with that only comes from walking the same path of life. God did that purposefully.
God has this way of bringing me back to balanced place when I have drifted to an extreme position on basically everything. This spring that was short term missions. I thought that they were selfish and just made americans appreciate their abundance more and pat themselves on the back for giving up a week of their year and made third world communities no better and if anything perpetuated their belief that white people are superior and they must depend on them. God revealed to me, Krystal, you have no right to say what I can and cannot use for the advancement of my kingdom. If I am using short term missions to bring people to myself and transform hearts, who are you to scoff? He said, in fact, I am going to put you on short term missions for 5 weeks so that you become the very thing you were so scornful of and I can show you the beauty of it when you love and respect the Haitians the way I do and see them through my eyes not your own. And I think my misgivings with short term missions should not be completely disregarded. But the proper response is not to ignore them or have no part but be a part of the transformation from the inside out, just as God calls us to be a part of his body and bride despite all the ungodliness the church often exudes.
I thik most important is obedience to the call of our lives. Because when I try to create my own call based on my knowledge, it will never be as good as what God has in store for me, even though what he is callilng me to may not make sense. There were so many times especially when I first got there where I sure I had made a terrible mistake. That this wasnt where I was supposed to be at all. and then it happened again where I felt so strongly I wasnt supposed to leave. But in hindsight I see the painting he is creating, where if I am obedient he knows what he is doing, and what looks to me like a huge mistake, an accidental splatter, a slipped brushstroke, is entirely intentional. Its a beautiful thing really.

down

Ive been really missing and craving haiti today. Since I have been back but especially today. I miss Jeff, my brother at the tent city, Checowski, George, Caroline and Steven (the repatriot kids I was close too) Niaka, Sammy, Woodlin and Wilda from the orphanage and the 6th grade girls: sophia, delco, jana, lovely, jessica and a few others. I miss bing loved by kids and loving on kids. I miss being in Haiti and surrounded by Haitians all the time. I am so so thankful to be home and to be able to talk to people in english and to be given the HUGE privlidge to be able to talk about Haiti and God and have such willing listeners, but when it gets to being late at night I want to be home. Because right now, after 5 weeks, it feels more like home than anywhere else. But, I know that the best thing God does for me is take away the things I replace with. In this case haiti. And when I first got to haiti, I clung so much to christ, having no sense of my purpose there and feeling so alienated but by the end of the trip, I had it all figured out. I knew my purpose and how to be useful and how to make the most of the day and my dependence on God slowly faded away. And now, as I am back in America, and I love love being back and talking to people but in one sense I am alarmed by how quickly I am reajusting, and in the other sense I still feel sort of alienated and a stranger to the states, I am forced to hold on to him again, as much as I can. And I know I need to take time to be still and know that he is God. But Im scared. Im too tired to run but too scared to slow down. I want to love on everyone else and assist every one else but not really think about where I am. And I sort of want to try to remember every second in Haiti and sort of want to stop thinking about it and stay busy and not dwell on the trip. I need to find the balance but more so I need to spend some time with God. I cant say I dont have it. And I need to wrestle with how Haiti fits into my day to day life, because it does.

I cant believe how fast this internet connection is

Today is my first day back from Haiti and it has been such a gift. Not because I was ready to leave but because of all that the Lord has been teaching me and just how rich it has been. I think the first thing that has really struck me is the thing Paul says about how he became a jew when he was with the jews and like the greeks when he was with the greeks and would do whatever it took in order to share the gospel with people. That applies perfectly to where I am today. That to come back and hate americans and be appalled by the abundant wealth of our world would not be Christ-like. The call is to love people. Not just Haitians. I definitely have experienced some reverse culture shock. I am shocked by the sixe of our buildings and how perfect our roads are and our cars and that we have so much stuff and Im just starting to get used to being around white people all the time and was unable to even buy anything to eat in the airport last night because it was just very strange to the crazy abundance of food, and shocked by everyone with all their technology. And I know that this is my culture. I am within it, not outside of it. I am american. But it didnt feel like mine. I didnt feel animsity or distaste, just alienated I guess. Im surprised by everything. Its so strange to be inside a house right now, because there is really no indoors in Haiti. Even in buildings there are open windows and doors and the hallways are outside. Its so strange and nice of course that there arent bugs. And that everything we have is so clean and shiny. And that Im supposed to use the sink to brush my teeth and that I am supposed to flush the toilet every time I go to the bathroom.
There is definitely a sense of wanting to cling to all of the five weeks I spent there and not forget anything at all and a fear that I have not been changed. And I feel sort of guilty for being able to adapt into American life, like it should be much harder. But what I am constantly reminded of is that I must cling to Christ alone. Not Haiti  Not Haitian orphans. Not ministry. Not the significance or usefulness of my summer. Just Jesus. And when I feel scared or out of place or utterly alone I can hold on tightly to him. And I am also learning that its good for me to just enjoy my day and what it brings. That my day is not less obedient or attractive to God because I went to a movie and for a walk with my grandparents and didn't shovel dirt or hold kids. Jesus doesn't love me less because I am not in Haiti. To act that way would be stripping the cross of its power.
I am still struggling with how to respond when people ask me about Haiti. I just don't know what to say. 5 weeks doesn't fit into a conversation. And the only proper response is Christ. Because he is why I went and he is who changed me and he is who made the impact through me and he is who I left with. But I don't want to use people asking me about Haiti as some sort of evangelism tool. Because I just want to speak truth.
I think Haiti did grow my love for people. Not just Haitians but people. And it makes me want to interact with every person I encounter. That was another weird thing. That here we are unaware of strangers presence..no one makes eye contact, you don't really talk to people you don't know, we all just live in our own little worlds here. In haiti you talk to everyone. And look at everyone, smile at them, touch them...there are no strangers.
There are some things that I dont know if I will get used to. I went into a shoe store with my grandparents at the mall and thought of hundreds of pairs of shoes, most of which are over a hundred dollars and I kow that I dont need shoes. I might never really need shoes again. And I think of how the orphanage could benefit from the cost of one pair of shoes. Especially the crazy high heeled ones. I saw a pair of sandals that were on sale for 120 dollars that said on the bottom (as like the brand logo) "too much is never enough" and that pretty much describes our shopping culture. And I think of construction guys who wore the exact same outfit to do construction every single day of the 5 weeks I was there the entire day, sweating, and who often didnt even own shoes so just let their feet be covered in mud as they worked.
But as I said, I have no right to condemn anyone. Anyone could call anything a waste of money. You could say that I could have sponsored a kid in school for 5 years for the amount I paid to go to Haiti for 5 weeks. So its a good reminder that I am an ambassador for Christ not Haiti and the gospel of Christ not the gospel of poverty ( the poorer and more you suffer, the more saved and better christian you are) and accepting that as much as I think I love haiti, he loves it more and he loves it better, and though I have left his presence is there just as much as it was when I was there. That God is not dependent on me, but that  he does invite me to be dependent on him does invite me to be a part of his work and says that if I let go of my own love, which is always self affirming and self seeking at the core, he can give me his which is selfless. Selfless love loves people. Simply because it is Gods love. And God is love. Not for anything about them but because of the nature of God .
But ultimately, Im just thankful. I'm not entitled to anything. To serving opportunities, to nice living conditions, to exercise, and so I can just enjoy the fact that I am alive and I am here with my grandparents. And that I can pursue and hold on to christ. And that it was not some huge suffering I should be commended for...it was  gift. A gift from God to be able to go to haiti. And now it is a gift to just to enjoy life with my grandparents enjoy the things I love like helping make dinner and reading and going on walks. Its good too.

letter to haiti

Dear Haiti,

I love you. I dont know how to thank you for all the work that you have done in me, changing me, making me more like God. Thank you for beig the place that you are and welcoming me with open arms. I will never forget these 5 weeks. I will not forget the faces of your people, the light in their eyes, the laughs of their children. You are full of joy. Im sorry I had the wrong perception of you and I had no sense of your beauty. Im sorry for pitying you. You do not need my pity. Thank you for allowing me to shovel your dirt and build Gods kingdom here. Thank you for your tent cities that cut to my heart, for your orphanages I cant get out of my mind for the joy you have brought to me day after day. If only you could know the impact you have on the Americans that come. We are blessed to come here. It is a gift. You transform us. Or you create space for God to transform us. I respect you haiti. You are honorable, as are your people. I know that your circumstances are serious. I know that your people have needs that must be met that are not being met. But yet, God is here. Alive and at work. You have welcomed him into your midst. You cling to him. Perhaps your faith stems from the fact that your people do not sit around intellectualizing everything and that we could learn from that. Perhaps because you have less you appreciate more. Your children are beyond promising. They are going to be changers. Changing haiti. Changing the world. They have already been changing me. I dont evenb mind your bugs or yourheat any more. I love your rain and your food. I love your mountains and your beaches. But it is your people that have captured my heart. Their spirits. The way they say my name. There willingness to love me well all the time. Constantly. I think I will miss you every day. I have never felt so loved and cherished as I have here. By people who did know me. I dont know why or ow they love me. And appreciate me. And smile at me. I imagine its because they are pressing into God and he is working in them. That maybe they have surrendered themselves to him so he can move in miraculous ways. They sure look like God to me. I know that it is not perfect. I do not want to romanticize haiti. But I will say that there is a lot of light here. You can sense the light. Thank you for your generosity. For all that your people have given me. As I write this one of the 6^th grade girls came and gave me a silly band. They are so giving. It astounds me. I have given to haiti out of my wealth. They give all that they have. How can such wisdom and godliness be contained in children ? I love them so much my hear aches. I looked up and they are coming out of class all smiling at me. Seriously, how is this even real ? I thought being in haiti would be the hardest thing Ive done. Its been hard at points. No doubt. Mostly though because God has been insisting on looking at my heart together. Haiti itself, its almost heavenly in some ways. I know that is not everywhere. But I am living at a church and a school. If only I had been writing more. Its only when I write that I begin to sense how monumental this is. Every day is filled with beautiful little life changing moments. Every day there are things that happen that I think to myself, if this had been the only thing that happened in these 5 weeks, it would be worthwhile. Every. Day.

letter to haiti

Dear Haiti,

I love you. I dont know how to thank you for all the work that you have done in me, changing me, making me more like God. Thank you for beig the place that you are and welcoming me with open arms. I will never forget these 5 weeks. I will not forget the faces of your people, the light in their eyes, the laughs of their children. You are full of joy. Im sorry I had the wrong perception of you and I had no sense of your beauty. Im sorry for pitying you. You do not need my pity. Thank you for allowing me to shovel your dirt and build Gods kingdom here. Thank you for your tent cities that cut to my heart, for your orphanages I cant get out of my mind for the joy you have brought to me day after day. If only you could know the impact you have on the Americans that come. We are blessed to come here. It is a gift. You transform us. Or you create space for God to transform us. I respect you haiti. You are honorable, as are your people. I know that your circumstances are serious. I know that your people have needs that must be met that are not being met. But yet, God is here. Alive and at work. You have welcomed him into your midst. You cling to him. Perhaps your faith stems from the fact that your people do not sit around intellectualizing everything and that we could learn from that. Perhaps because you have less you appreciate more. Your children are beyond promising. They are going to be changers. Changing haiti. Changing the world. They have already been changing me. I dont evenb mind your bugs or yourheat any more. I love your rain and your food. I love your mountains and your beaches. But it is your people that have captured my heart. Their spirits. The way they say my name. There willingness to love me well all the time. Constantly. I think I will miss you every day. I have never felt so loved and cherished as I have here. By people who did know me. I dont know why or ow they love me. And appreciate me. And smile at me. I imagine its because they are pressing into God and he is working in them. That maybe they have surrendered themselves to him so he can move in miraculous ways. They sure look like God to me. I know that it is not perfect. I do not want to romanticize haiti. But I will say that there is a lot of light here. You can sense the light. Thank you for your generosity. For all that your people have given me. As I write this one of the 6^th grade girls came and gave me a silly band. They are so giving. It astounds me. I have given to haiti out of my wealth. They give all that they have. How can such wisdom and godliness be contained in children ? I love them so much my hear aches. I looked up and they are coming out of class all smiling at me. Seriously, how is this even real ? I thought being in haiti would be the hardest thing Ive done. Its been hard at points. No doubt. Mostly though because God has been insisting on looking at my heart together. Haiti itself, its almost heavenly in some ways. I know that is not everywhere. But I am living at a church and a school. If only I had been writing more. Its only when I write that I begin to sense how monumental this is. Every day is filled with beautiful little life changing moments. Every day there are things that happen that I think to myself, if this had been the only thing that happened in these 5 weeks, it would be worthwhile. Every. Day.

letter to haiti

Dear Haiti,

I love you. I dont know how to thank you for all the work that you have done in me, changing me, making me more like God. Thank you for beig the place that you are and welcoming me with open arms. I will never forget these 5 weeks. I will not forget the faces of your people, the light in their eyes, the laughs of their children. You are full of joy. Im sorry I had the wrong perception of you and I had no sense of your beauty. Im sorry for pitying you. You do not need my pity. Thank you for allowing me to shovel your dirt and build Gods kingdom here. Thank you for your tent cities that cut to my heart, for your orphanages I cant get out of my mind for the joy you have brought to me day after day. If only you could know the impact you have on the Americans that come. We are blessed to come here. It is a gift. You transform us. Or you create space for God to transform us. I respect you haiti. You are honorable, as are your people. I know that your circumstances are serious. I know that your people have needs that must be met that are not being met. But yet, God is here. Alive and at work. You have welcomed him into your midst. You cling to him. Perhaps your faith stems from the fact that your people do not sit around intellectualizing everything and that we could learn from that. Perhaps because you have less you appreciate more. Your children are beyond promising. They are going to be changers. Changing haiti. Changing the world. They have already been changing me. I dont evenb mind your bugs or yourheat any more. I love your rain and your food. I love your mountains and your beaches. But it is your people that have captured my heart. Their spirits. The way they say my name. There willingness to love me well all the time. Constantly. I think I will miss you every day. I have never felt so loved and cherished as I have here. By people who did know me. I dont know why or ow they love me. And appreciate me. And smile at me. I imagine its because they are pressing into God and he is working in them. That maybe they have surrendered themselves to him so he can move in miraculous ways. They sure look like God to me. I know that it is not perfect. I do not want to romanticize haiti. But I will say that there is a lot of light here. You can sense the light. Thank you for your generosity. For all that your people have given me. As I write this one of the 6^th grade girls came and gave me a silly band. They are so giving. It astounds me. I have given to haiti out of my wealth. They give all that they have. How can such wisdom and godliness be contained in children ? I love them so much my hear aches. I looked up and they are coming out of class all smiling at me. Seriously, how is this even real ? I thought being in haiti would be the hardest thing Ive done. Its been hard at points. No doubt. Mostly though because God has been insisting on looking at my heart together. Haiti itself, its almost heavenly in some ways. I know that is not everywhere. But I am living at a church and a school. If only I had been writing more. Its only when I write that I begin to sense how monumental this is. Every day is filled with beautiful little life changing moments. Every day there are things that happen that I think to myself, if this had been the only thing that happened in these 5 weeks, it would be worthwhile. Every. Day.

last night

I fly out of haiti tomorrow, for california. 5 weeks. Coming to an end. Its hard to grasp the fact that haiti was not really a part of my life until 5 weeks ago. Never again will it not be a part of my life, a partof me. Im leaving some of my heart here in haiti. I dont really feel sad at this moment, more like numb. Or maybe just accepting. I think I am okay with it. Leaving. Mostly because, only because, I have done my best to get attached to christ, not haiti. But there are so many people here I will miss immensely. So many people I will never be able to adequetely express my gratitude for their mark on my life and my heart. So many kids I will not be able to stop thinking about and wondering about and praying about. I cant believe I havent written all week. Im glad I chose to be with people and be present, but I wonder if I will be able to capture it all. I guess I could start with today and move backwards. I went to the orphanage for the last time today. Got to see wilda, sammy, niaka though she was asleep the whole time and woodlin. A bunch of other kids too. I got my hair done, got to say goodbye to angie and ruth the american women who live there, and got to spend some time with the babies. I think because it was my last time I had trouble just being in the moment because I felt time was slipping so fast but it was so good just because I was terrified the plan would get messed up somehow and when the driver pulled up I felt such deep relief. Just to get to see their faces and play with the kids one more time was such a gift. All morning I got to help with the 6th grade retreat. I spent more time with the 6th grade girls than any other kids in the past 5 weeks, helping with their classes, learning creole and becoming friends because their english is so impressive so we can have general conversation. It started at 7 and it was just really good fellowship with them and a full morning. Also a huge gift because school ended wednesday for summer so its perfect that they are all still here through the end of my trip. We ate spagetti for breakfast, learned lessons about relying on God and accepting his invitation to a wonderful party, and did crafts. I got to take a group of them for crafts and it was mod podging bottles, basically my favorite pastime anyways let alone with a group of haitian 6th graders I adore so that was great.
Yesterday was also really beautiful. Tuesday, perhaps I should start with, was awful in a lot of ways. I went to repatriot in the morning and Chicowski, one of the kids I am closest to in haiti who has been working with me for 5 weeks, even though he is only 9.Okay Ill be honest were kind of in love. Not in a creepy way, but I just really like him. I know I shouldnt have favorites but helping out for 5 weeks?! and he is a stud. He can push wheelbarrows full of gravel, make mortar, do all sorts of labor. And he likes to whisper how much he loves you and that sort of thing. Anyways he came tuesday completely lifeless. Didnt want to talk work, interact. He just laid on the bench and finally told us he was sick, he hadnt eaten since saturday (this was mid day tuesday) wasnt really drinking, no one was home and he had gone to the hospital. It hit me so hard. I was struck with such a strong sense of needing to and feeling that my purpose for that day was to stay with him all afternoon so that he wasnt alone and someone was with him caring for him. Not with the right medicine or supplies but rather presence. Just presence. Thats what I want when I am sick. But the leader of the mission group said No. That the team was ready to leave and I needed to leave as well. and I was so angry because I thought, I am not a part of your mission team, I have been here for 5 weeks, I know and trust every worker here on the job site and I can fend for myself thank you very much. And we prayed for him and I just dissolved into tears. Prayer can do that. Especially for someone you love who is sick. I was so afraid he wasnt going to get better. I probably would have been more resistent to leaving but Cola, our haitian translator said not to stay. And I may never forget what he said. He said this is the situation here in Haiti. And in that moment I think I had the strongest sense of whats happening here and that its not okay. Maybe the orphanage also. Knowing every fact and statistic would not be as clear and poignant as seeing one nine year old sick. Its on a one on one basis that I can be broken for Haiti. That "poverty" begins to mean something real. That I begin to sense the urgency.
But I left. And the rest of the day just got worse. Because we came back and ended out not doing stuff all afternoon. But it was good because it struck me how I use doing stuff, really good stuff, to run away from the one who can see all the way through my heart.
Then on wednesday, we went back to the repatriot for my last day. Really bittersweet. When it got close to time for us to go, I got mark, an english speaking haitian to come with me and tell the work team I would be leaving and I just wanted to thank them for their smiles and warmth and for loving me well. These guys, I know each of their faces. Their work clothes. Their grins. Their voices. Even if its just a "Kristina!" (Thats what they call me,) or this thing we all do thats a combination of a high five and a hand shake...I dont really know how to explain it. But they said the sweetest things. They all listened and all said "Ah!" and how much they liked working with me and would miss me and that I should come back soon and that I encouraged them and it was straight beautiful. There arent really words. And the best moment though was when I saw a little guy in the distance carrying a green water bottle that looked an awful like the one I had given him yesterday to keep him hydrated. Sure enough, he had come back. (My biggest fear was that he wouldnt come and I wouldnt know if he was okay or not) and he was his normal self. Miraculous. It doesnt even make sense. Except that prayer is far more powerful than I give it credit. Because yesterday I felt like prayer wasnt enough. Prayer is the ONLY thing that is enough. It also let God gently remind me that all these haitian kids I love so much...he loves them more. and knows how to care for them. And will continue to after I leave Haiti. All the days of their lives. We got to shovel together and share water and take pictures, he loved my camera, and it was such a sweet ending.

Then that afternoon we went to the tent city which I was also very worried about not getting to because I told jeff that I would come back. And it was...This is the tent city. We drive up in our taptaps and there is literally a crowd of kids jumping and yelling at the entrance because we are here. And then in the midst of the chaos you lock eyes with the one you are hoping you will get to see and they are looking to and you cant believe you get to live this life. and its not just the kids. The adults too. The second you smile and say bonswa you recieve a grin twice as large and a como oye? (how are you?) It was extra special because I got my hair braided by this great mom and everyone I looked at was so excited. Thats been one of the coolest things for me is that one of my favorite things in the whole world is having people play with my hair. And there is nothing haitians love more than our hair. So its just this constant being loved on. Cared for. Smiled at. Encouraged. The team here has been so encouraging, Telling me how impressed they are with my insight, being appreciative, making sure I am doing well.

Full week. Bittersweet has to be the best word.I am so thankful for the way I was able to do all that I wanted to do and see everyone one more time. Like I said, Im leaving an awful lot of my heart here with haiti. and am taking haiti with me. Taking their radiant smiles and the way they worship and the phrases they say...I love it all. I hope I am a little bit haitian now. It would be an honor.

I dont really know how I have grown im my walk, but I know it has been a journey that cannot be summed in a sentence or that there is one thing I learned. And I know that this was life, not a mountaintop experience, not a camp high, but the grit and glory of day to day life with Christ. Life for christ.

When I think about jesus right now I think of Bonhoeffer's phrase, when christ calls a man he bids him come and die. I think that is one thing that has been sort of huge for these 5 weeks. Come and die. Every day. Die to yourself. Die to what you want to accomplish, die to needing things to go your way, die to loving just the people easy to love. I think another thing is that I was loved well in haiti. That God used it as a time to pour into me and reveal the depth of his love for me through the constant love of people here.

I guess thats what I have to say for my last night here in haiti. He gives and takes away. He gave this to me for five weeks, but he is taking it now. And thats okay. Because its his to take. I know if I hold on it will hurt me and everyone else. Open hands. And he takes away to make room to give something with a beauty we hadnt even considered.

I should not be writing right now. Because I know I need to be sleeping more. But there is too much today. I cant not write. Not spend time with people. Not do staff devotional. Its nice to be in a place though where I have more to do than I have time for. Its been a good two days. Sunday we went to the beach. And I didnt want to go because I wanted to do something productive.But it was a beautiufl day because Sabbath is a command no matter how much time I felt like was wasted throughout the week. Days not going my way does not equal sabbath. Moreso, I had the most wonderful deep conversations with Catherine on the ride there and throughout the day. A really great girl who is here for the summer and in love with Haiti. I also had more time to get to know team members. Which is the role of staff. And today we started work early. And it was hard. Which was really really hard for me. To be tired at all. Because I am so used to being so strong and working super hard the whole time I am at repatriot. Today, just not feeling it. I kept getting alll this dust in my eyes. Which is the smallest most insignificant thing ever. But it was such a beautiful reminder of what its like to struggle on the work site. To be worn out. To not be able to rely on your own strength. I think I idolize my strength. I act like its not a big deal that people are impressed with how hard I can work but I love it. I love being able to prove that despite how small I am and the fact that I am a girl I can work as much as anyone else. And I think my work ethic is a gift from God. One of my greatest gifts, even. But we have this strange ability to twist our gifts into idols. And today I wasnt able to do that because I didnt have any strength and spent lots of time not working and was irritable and easily irked. Then we came back for lunch and I learned, as the team worked out what they were doing, how much I loved helping them figure it out and being a part of that process. I really really love being a staff member at a place where people come on mission trips. Which is a cool and humbling things because there was a point a few months ago that I was anti-short term missions. I thought they were selfish. I thought Haitians are called to lead haitians not americans. I still believe that but I also see that God is  working in lives and hearts in mighty ways in short terms missions. Who I am to call the work that he is dong not good? If people are beign drawn to him and his word its good.
I have a lot more to write about reflecting from our devotionals but it will have to wait, as I am falling asleep.

To God be the glory.

best day

Today...will not go into words. Far too beautiful. Incredibly significant. Learning that I am here just to stand before God. Arms wide open. thats it. Stand before him. And know that he is enough. that I have nothing to prove. So where did the day start? With being humbled. Because I thought this team was just going to be a group I really didnt know that I would just fly to la with. They have changed my life. With their passion for God. They have come to haiti, not to help, but to proclaim and be a part of the advancement of Gods kingdom. With God, you get what you ask for when it is what he has for you. This day has been full of prayer, conversion, miracles, tears, revelation, depth. Because they have put no limit on what God can do. And it has been an unbelieving rich reminder for me that I am on mission as well and that I should continue to moved by haiti. That it should be changing my life. That I should be amazed by the kids and the things they do. As I watch them speak in awe and wonder about their experience here and how they are really FEELING haiti, I am reminded of my own spiritual dryness. Today we went back to the tent city. What a joy. Jeff, the kid I connected so much with before was there and both of our faces lit up when we saw eachother. And today he took me and one of the men from the bel air team to see his home, which is a tent. And we walked over to it and he brought inside and in the front there was a little charcoal pile and he lifted up the lid of the pot on it and offered us the rice he had been cooking. It was the sweetest most hospitable thing. Him offering us food. Were told how to respond when kids beg but never told what to do if they invite you into their home in a tent city and offer you their dinner. There is no adequate response for that. And then he showed us all around their sparse, hot little tent and brought out his family album, and showed us the pictures of his parents, his family, him. It was absolutely beautiful. I cant believe we were able to share that moment with him. And the significance didnt even hit me until group devotional. I am so so thankful they invited me to be a part of their group time. And I had the chance to share and God layed it so clearly on my heart to say that we are not here to serve Haiti or haitians, we are here to serve God. And that is crucial because we will leave and the tent city will still be there. And we gave kids water and held them today but tomorrow and next week they will be thirsty and will need to be held. But God was in the tent city before we got there and he was there with us today and he will be there after we leave. Not just the tent city but all of haiti. And he has given us the honor of being a part of the work he is doing. That our work as individuals means nothing but that his kingdom that he has woven us into means absolutely everything. And I could see it in their face the feeling I felt as each of them shared-that feeling of God speaking to us through eachother. And afterward we prayed, me with two of the men on the team, for at least an hour. It was such powerful time in prayer. Praying for jeff, praying for their wives and children, praying for what each of us are called to as we leave haiti. Talking about the miracles in our lives, Chad had a baby born weighing 1 pound 11 ounces. John talked so much about his wife and how he felt called to her. And one of them said to me that God is not my fire but my torch. That it is not just light, but light in darkness shining the only the way there is. Adn so many times I felt like I just wanted to say amen and God was like, stand before me and leave when I am ready for this to be done. Where do you think youre going? There is nowhere else. And at one point, as I wanted to be done John started praying about the three of us and that verse that says a strand of three cannot be broken. I also got to talk to this wonderful girl who tlold me her story and sho I got to share mine with. And we got to work at Repatriot today and shovel and move rocks with haitians and eachother adn they were so encouraging about the labor I was doing and how hard I was working. Its like family. So many were brought to tears today. So many were brought to their knees in prayer. They are having their lives changed by God in Haiti, and so am I. Thats what life is. Being changed by God. And its beyond beautiful.

enough

hard day. I dont know why. It started off good. I found my spot to spend time with God. on a staircase to the roof that no one goes up on but there is a doorway so there is a lot of breeze. Abby shared at devotion time with a quote from the sacrament of the present moment, maybe the best book after the bible, and he said that we are like stone and God is our mason and with every blow that hurts so much he is shaping us into something more beautiful than we can concieve. That all we have to do is stand before him and trust that he is for us. And take the blows knowing that they are making us into something we are not. And I realized that I love being with God. I really do. Which sounds simple but it somehow encourages me on this day where I am down that I seriously  love to be with him. There is no place Id rather be than his presence. Even though hes rarely a priority and I am so busy and I dont even care most of the time about his will.
I did invisible tasks today folding and organizing pictures and having conversations. Left me feeling useless. Exemplified by the fact that my last week has begun. I really struggle with leaving places. Im kind of already at the point where I am thinking about it so much that I just want to go and not deal with that recurring feeling. I suddenly had this sense that what I was writing was not what I was supposed to be writing about. That there is only one thing to say

I love you God. no matter what, I love you. You are enough.

tent city

Went to a tent city today. How was it? I dont know. It was a tent city. Hundreds of people living in tents. with no sewage, on dirt, little food, no one has jobs im guessing, it rains daily in haiti, its wet in the tents, wet outside the tents. And I realize I dont know what its like to be haitian. I dont know what its like to live in haiti. Even as I live here. Because I am on a laptop in a compound on a bed in a lit room. Thats not haitian. Not that its bad. Just worth noting. And not forgetting. Yet, tonight I poured encouragement and gratitude on the team leaving tomorrow, showing them the beauty of the work they have done, and I believe it. And I have to believe my work is beautiful as well. Even when it doesnt feel lovely at all. Its beautiful because Christ is and its his not mine. I would never call something of his flawed or ugly or not good. And I am his and my work and my life is his. Self condemnation is just another form of pride.

the kids in the tent city were different. More aggressive. Loving still, but in a harder way. They clung to me. And shoved eachother out of the way to get to me. I dont know how to explain it really but there was just a roughness you dont get at the school we stay at. Good kids though. took lots of pictures. Which I hate doing. Being the white person with the camera who has fancy technology that makes kids all excited and then leaves with their pictures of cute kids. But I really feel that pictures are crucial. If I leave with no pictures, that would be terrible. how would I remember? How would I share? Im getting to that place I always get to where my standards are raised super high for what makes a day successful and what ministry is. And really it just ends out with me being unsatisfied.

Because there has been so much beauty in the last few days. Ive had opportunities to talk about how jesus transformed me. That ultimately is what I am on this earth to do. So a day of sweating and contruction and shoveling may seem more valuable or worthwhile but it isnt. Telling people about jesus is the best thing I can be a part of. But I definitley see it differently. Im learning that the default should be silence not words. and to hesitate to add my own words, nice as they may be. And that if someone is moved at all...it is by the holy spirit not me.

Other little haiti things I have been up to...went to the grocery store yesterday-a three hour trip. Not exactly the morning I had in mind. But I tried to relearn that sulking about things not going my way does no one any good. And then afterwards I had this wonderful crepe with ham and cheese and mustard. Haitian food..well thats kind of french, really is great. passed out toothbrushes to kids in the school, sorted medicine into the pharamacy, took time just to talk to people, haitians and americans, all the girls decided we were going to run around the compound since we cant go on runs outside which was so fun because its not big at all and were all running around it in different directions. Weve been doing yoga on the roof to which is beautiful.

Oh, and at the tent city today I met a boy named Jeff who captured my my heart. I scratched myself and started bleeding and he tore me a scrap of paper and put it on my cut, and he asked me if I would come live with him and introduced me to his dad, and he wasnt pushy or demanding at all. He was really patient and stood back when all the other kids swarmed me and offered me a mango. I love him.

And I got to tell Catherine about my family. Which was wonderful because I remembered that I really am crazy about them and able to see how much they shaped me and refined me into who I am and what a gift they are. And I got to have some oreos which are so so good in haiti. All chocolate is pretty much delghtful here. I cant wait for fruit and salads and dessert. And ice. But I dont really miss it that much. Or mind having the same food all the time. I think I could stay here. But I also know its okay to leave. Because thats where Hes calling me and He is the only thing that matters

It has been like a two hour process to get to this page. Ive given up completely on email for the night I think. We have an awful lot of people here right now who all seem to need their computer and want to skype and so I have been waiting and waiting to even use a computer and then I finally do and the connection is literally the slowest thing I have ever encountered but as I write this I have a sense of such gratitude that I get to. Definitely not something I have ever appreciated before. I dont know what to say about today.  My heart is far heavier than usual but it was rich and deep and I think I am growing closer to Christ. That is the only measure of goodness there is. Closeness to christ. So though it is through my discomfort I grow closer thats okay. Better than okay. Im starting to feel like so much of my writing and speaking has been detatched from my heart and its been all these ideas and quotes and things I have been excited about instead of christ himself. Because I am finding that I am more and more often quite and less and less convinced I have so much to say. Im leading devotional tomorrow night and I really dont know what to do. And normally I would develop a well structured devotional with scripture and quotes and that sort of thing but now that just seems no different than how a professor would plan a lecture. This is jesus. He wants my heart. No matter what it takes. And as I get to know him more, Im at a loss for words. There arent words for him. And the more I realize I have nothing together so I dont feel that I am capable of speaking about him. Thank goodness I am only preaching christ crucified.
I am beginning the slow, beaten path of learning how to pray. I have no idea. But I know it involves listening, and that I have been so busy talking to myself for so long that I have left little room for god to speak. And Im learning that impressive, pretty words and sentences with religious jargon arent the prayer that I am capable of. I know that God loves our prayer because it is our crying out to him, but I dont love my prayer and I dont have a THIRST to pray and that points to the fact that maybe my prayer is more self and less God centered than I am aware of.
Im really starting to feel like what I want doesnt matter, only what he wants. When I ask myself when and if I will be back I just know its the wrong question because its not up to me. And as I have reached this place of really really not wanting to leave and feeling like I am so useful here, I am leaving. Because I have to have to have to be obedient to Him. And as Abby said to me, the biggest enemy of whats best it whats good. Whats best is following christ. It will, without question, mean doing stuff I dont want to do, loving people I dont want to love, waiting when I want to go. Not to create some gospel of suffering, where I try to do the opposite of anything I want to because Christ is honored in my delight and because my loves are straight from him. My love of Haiti and Haitians is his love not mine, just like everything of mine is really his-my family, my intellect, my money, my time, my gifts.
I havent even begun to talk about whats been going on. It truly was a glorious day. The high schoolers worked so hard carrying tons of rubble off of the roof to the fromt of the compound where we had this horrible pond because there is no drainage system and I just love love physical labor. And I am beginning to see that it is a gift from God, because no one else seems to love it nearly as much. And I think now that I have become aware that you can pray that God helps you to love and see people the way he does, he really does it. Its miraculous. We have an unlimited capacity to love.
Then we went to the orphanage which was when the day started to get hard. Because I really really love the kids at the orphanage. I cant stop thinking about them and praying for them. Especially the girl Niaka. Because when I first started coming she was totally unresponsive and just stared vacantly but everytime she is responds more and today as soon as she saw me her whole face lit up. And I know her now. I know the things that make her laugh and smile and how she likes when I blow air on her face and kisses and being held and shes learned to stand. But its so hard because all the babies can see you in the baby room and they all want to be help and I feel so bad just giving one attention. Its like I can never stay long enough. Every single time, the guys have to come get me because they are ready to go. Oh and there is this other boy sammy whose legs are messed up so he cant walk but he practically flys around on his little arms and he remembered me too and just the way he looks at me and likes to play with my hair, I just think its crazy to leave these kids. And I start to think, if my whole life was just committed to loving these two kids, it would be so so worthwhile. And I have to trust that they are Gods and that they are not mine. Because my heart is breaking. And I am getting attached. To everything. To the 6th graders at the school and to pouring into the teams that come and now as we do worship and devotional every night there is more community on the compound.
My heart also got really burdened talking to a couple of the long term girls and hearing about the "typical" college life that I tend to forget about and the fact that there are so so many college kids who party all the time and there isnt life in it. I just know there isnt. But I dont know what to do or say or whats even appealing about it. But there was one really lovely moment where one of the girls said I hope you dont think less of me because I do this stuff and I got to say that I would never ever think less of you and no one is better than you because of the things they do or dont do and I love you. And that moment was so worth the hardness of hearing about all that goes on in colleges. And then when I was so mad about the computer and just in this frustrated mood where nothing was what I felt like doing I went and sat with the high school girls and they asked me about why I came and stuff and it was so good to share with them for just a little while. Such a gift. And so its this mix of being harder and way better at the same time. Which I guess is the nature of going deep with people and with a place. Getting attached. But learning to be attached only to christ. Because thats when you can love people the best. When you dont depend on their response or affirmation. Youre free to joyfully pour in all that you have without feeling like youre entitled to anything or should be given reward for your effort. The reward is Christ. I think the biggest thing I want to say to Jesus is

You are enough.

And that was hard to say driving away from the orphanage. I cant imagine how tough it will be when I am at the airport. That is hard when I just want to talk to my family. Its rarely easy. But Im learning. Im learning that to really MEAN what I say to jesus is better than saying tons of stuff. So Ive stripped all that I say to as few phrases as possible. I love it so far. Alright I guess thats enough writing for tonight.

Right now I am sitting on the roof in Haiti listening to acoustic guitar and Nathan singing...Just talked to my mom. Better than I imagined. I said "hello" and thought there was no connection because there was a second of silence but then I heard a scream of joy and we both started crying and my sister Katie said all this stuff that I didnt really understand but just liked her voice and I just cant explain how happy I am right now. Im finally clean and full after a full day at Repatriot, one of my favorite places. And Im with people that Ive come to love so much in such a short time..Adam and Catherine and Abby...And Ive got to be with the high schoolers all day and I'm just crazy about them. They are so gorgeous. And one of them said to me "krystal, you just have a big heart!" and said she almost cried when we were in the city the other day and this old haitian lady was begging and when she put her hand out for money I just took it and held it and walked with her. And I didnt think anyone even saw that so it was really a special moment. And one of the kids named Checowski I am sort of in love with, I know I say that about alot of haitians but its the closest I can get when trying to describe how I feel about them. I havent seen him in like a week and a half and I thought I might not see him again and then today I felt a tap and looked down and there he was and I gave him a big bear hug. And he has this thing where he really likes to whisper to me so even though I dont always understand I usually catch m'reme ou, or sometimes he says I love you. And then there is all the guys who work there everyday who call me kristeena, not sure why, but its great and I love shoveling with them, and they all know I speak spanish and try to say things to me in spanish. Oh and I had the best conversation with this wonderful person named Chris who wants to move to wife with his haiti now that his kids are all grown up and he told me all about his sons and his mission work in Afganistan and we got to talk about Haiti and education and the economy and best of all God and his kingdom and he said the coolest thing.."If there is this much beauty left on this earth after the Fall can you imagine what it will look like when He comes back and restores all of it? And that the kingdom of God is HERE. Its NOW. Its coming but its also here and we are in it and WE ARE IT. And there is the kingdom of darkness ruling for now but we get to cling to the truth that there is a better kingdom and that the King of this kingdom has already won the battle. Just talking about makes me love being alive. 
It was also a day of obedience because this morning I had to leave with the team and I didnt really want to go and it wasnt very productive-a lot of just sitting and hanging out and I didnt even get to do my devotion but it was so so awesome because I was okay with all of it. Because I knew that I cannot decide what honors God most and be bitter if I dont feel like Im getting to do that thing. I was thinking about how he said "follow me" and that he says that to me everyday and everyday I choose to follow him of go my own way. And that just because Im doing something "good" doesnt mean I am following him at all. And that the guys he called to follow didnt say anything-yes or no-they just got up. And i realized how often I say yes without getting up. But it is so so rewarding to let go of the "good" stuff and hold on to him. Because I have nothing to get mad about, like my schedule or my productivity being thwarted. Were about to go do devotional, another huge gift, so Ill have to post more later but Haiti is better than yesterday. It literally gets better everyday. Maybe Im the one changing.

beloved.

The most incredible thing happened today. A group of high schoolers came to stay with us for a week for a youth mission trip. When they all piled out of the car I was suprised by how moved my heart was by the sight of them. It is clear that God really has given me his heart for high school girls because just seeing them brings me so much joy and thinking about the blessing it is to share a week with them and watch Jesus love them and move them and transform them. Even though I dont really like site seeing, I decided to go with them to go see downtown, and we ended out going to Repatriote instead because the church (outdoors) had filled with water and we needed to move everything so that they would be able to have service and the morning. I had such a strong sense of Gods love for me and his delight in my delight. I was willing to go to do the touristy thing even though I didnt get to be with all the long term people and he took me to my favorite place in Haiti where I have been working this whole time to see and work and sweat with the people I love so much. Just my happiness hopping out of the tap tap and seeing the kids who all know my name and come and are so excited to see me and then going over to talk to the guys I've known for three weeks now and seeing pastor leon and all working together, new and old people, haitians and americans so that there can be church in the morning for hundreds of people is a huge gift. Im starting to see it as a blessing that I love physical labor so much and something that Christ is delighted in-my desire to work hard for his kingdom. If I can resist the idolatry it can become, and accept that my desire to do labor is selfish and that the labor he has for me, whether or not it is physical, is far more valuable, then like today I will be given opportunities to do what I love without even having to manipulate or control them into being. And when I have no expectations and manipulation of my day, he is able to bless me with the gifts he has in store for me. After working they still wanted to do site seeing and I really didnt feel like it, but I remembered I am here to serve God and that means going  because I know it is where he wants me not weighing the significance of all my options and deciding where the best place is. Just because I dont see the fruit doesnt mean its not what he has for me. And harvesting requires patience. If I am so focused on the visible immediate rewards I will miss the much bigger things. If I only want to talk to these high school girls about Jesus, Im not going to be able to unless I take the time to do the little things with them and be present with them and get to know them. And we may never have those conversations and I have to trust that what God is doing in their lives and hearts is huge and he has decided my place in it, no matter how small that is.
Tonight we did a devotional as a staff and it was such a blessing. We read in luke about the cost of following christ and two of the girls who just came as volunteers are in a seeking sort of place so I am overwhelmed by the beauty of the idea that I get to walk with them through doubts and thoughts and life for a few weeks, and grow as a family and in christ as a group of volunteers. It really is like family.
It brings me to such a place of overwhelming thankfulness to see how the desire of my heart-for people to know and fall in love with christ has been so deeply and clewarly manifested today in the people I am living with and to see how my love and appreciation for people is growing immensely as I stand in Christ and his presence allows me to love them as they are in such a profound way. Its strange to love people you hardly know so much. People who are different, and the people you dont initally connect with but as you know them and see their yearning for life you just become crazy about them.
I pray that I have the courage to do what God calls me to do and that my own agenda does not replace him. It will take courage to speak and pray and lead the way he calls me too but it will also take courage to rest and just BE with him as I know he has gently been urging me towards. But he is faithful. I have counted the cost and decided that he is all I want. Whatever it takes. A dangerous decision because when Christ calls a man he bids him come and die. The only decision because until I die with him, I cant rise with him.
One thing that struck me from luke though is that just saying you want to follow jesus is not what he asks. They said they wanted to follow and he said no, because there were still things they had to keep to themselves...thats sort of where I am at this stage in life. So I pray for an  obedience that knows no bounds. And obedience that requires me to go where I would rather not go and also to leave when I am not ready...which is going to be the next big thing I think I will need to obey in. Knowing that I cannot clench my connection to Haiti but must see it as his gift and take it with an open hand that is ready to give it back to him when he wants it.
Today I know I am beloved. Thank you jesus, for knowing my heart and fulfilling my prayers and giving me life. You know how to care for me perfectly and have given me gifts to care for your people and draw them to you. Its all you, and none of it is me. Thank you for coming into my brokenness and making your home there and going to work in the world there. I love you.

3 weeks in

today was a hard and a good day. Maybe my favorite. But I'm starting to say that every day. I woke up pretty sick and decided to go to the clinic they have for Haitians. It was rough because everyone was Haitian, and you dont know what anyone is saying or how to explain whats wrong with you. Luckily one of the girls named Anita who is staying with us works at the clinic, and pretty much saved me because I got so overwhelmed in the doctor and started  to panic that I wasn't going to get better and would be sick for the rest of my trip, and that terrible thing happened when as soon as you get to the doctor you dont feel sick so you feel like you need to just leave, and she stayed with me the whole time and spoke to the staff in creole about my symptoms and explained everything to me in english. Apparently in Haiti you dont cry unless youre in really serious pain, so everyone was so worried about me, and I was just being emotional. They perscribed me all these different medications but I didnt know what any of them were and didnt want to spend any money, but when I tried to tell her I didnt want all the pills she was getting for me, she was clearly offended and assumed that because they were Haitian I didnt trust them and thats why I wouldnt take their medicine. Anita explained that I just didnt have money and I took the pills and left. Then I spent the rest of the day around the compound while everyone else went out and did stuff, which wasnt nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I am growing in my ability to rest and recognition that doing something for the sake of having something to do is not useful, just makes me feel better about myself. And because I depended on God so heavily in my sickness, as I started to feel better, I was content to do small invisible tasks alone around the compound, that no one would notice because I was more concerned with keeping company with Christ than what I was actually doing. The korean team took us out for a really nice dinner, and even though we got caught in terrible traffic and were sure we were going to miss it, we were able to laugh about it and not be bothered, and they ended out waiting for us at the restaurant. I also had a beautiful conversation with Anita about God and the truth of the bible and how to be a part of the culture you are serving. She has really unique perspective because she is haitian but born and raised in the states so has a really strong sense of haitian culture but also knows our culture and is really open about the differences and cultural things that are too personal to come out and ask but so helpful to know. I am so glad she is here. And so talkative.  She was my comfort and strength in so many ways today. Being sick made me aware of how family-like the compound is, as everyone asks if youre doing better...its a little thing but its beautiful. And I got to hang out with kids while they waited for their parents to pick them up. Being sick reminded me of how small and fragile I am and that the work I am doing here is part of something so much bigger that I have no control over. It also made me aware of the fact that just being here is a gift for the Haitians just like it is for me. Because there are consequences. Its not cheap, you get sick, they are not the easiest living conditions especially for Americans...And so even if I dont get to have conversations with Haitians about God, I get to live in their country for a month. And that is a blessing. And I get to see their kids every day, and its okay that the kids are excited to see us. They dont have to dislike me for it to be service. I can still learn their names and make them laugh and just be. Im slowly learning how to be. Being really sick and stuck in bed speeds that up quite a bit. I also wrote a letter to HOM about how marvelous it is to be able to partner with them and how huge the work that they are doing in this field of Gods and that they plant and we help water but God makes it grow.
The longer I stay the less I want to leave..

sick but happy

Today is the first day I have been really sick. Its just normal stuff, I was bound to get a bad stomachache eventually but its still a little rough. I contemplated just staying in bed, clearly the responsible choice but laying on an air mattress alone on a dreary day like today just wouldnt have been good. Then I would have nothing to think about except being sick. So I went to Rue Patriot, one of the ministries sites to help with the clinic, and I was probably more moved today than I have been any other day. I grew such a love for jesus as a HEALER and the healing that he did while he was here. Being sick myself created this deep connection to all the Haitians who came in need of a doctor and I saw the huge difference between just going through the motions checking temp, giving out medicine, moving people through the lines and identifying with them, smiling at them, touching them. That all of jesus's healings were deep encounters. He called people "daughter." he touched them. He looked them in the eyes. He was not just concerned with their physical ailments. We can do the same. And then I never want to leave. I just look at them and I love them. Its nothing less than I love. I want to live with them. I dont care if it means that I get sick, because I just want to do life together. It would be such a privlidge. There was a boy who kept hovering real close by...he looked about 13 or so and one of his eyes was all swolen but eventually I got to go over by him and ask him his name. In a barely audible voice he said

David.

The name of my brother. And as I think back on it I think of when Jesus said these are my brothers and my mothers. When I truly see them the way I see my mom and dad and little brothers and sisters is when I will be like Jesus. When their pain becomes my pain and their joy my joy. Another beautiful moment was when we first got there and I saw two of the kids I had spent the last two weeks with but hadnt seen yet this week. It was like a family reunion. I dont know which of us was more excited. Being in the medical setting was so good because its your job to be close to people and ask them how they are doing. But its so hard because you leave. And you dont see everyone who comes. And there is a lot of people you cant help. Ive noticed that most people just detach and pick the number of people they see and are able to tell them what they have and talk about it offhand. But there is nothing offhand about thinking someone has AIDS. or cancer. or is pregnant. But for us, when were in Haiti its easy to treat it that way. To keep yourself from being too affected. And at some point you have to. Because the sadness will crush you and you will never be able to stop because there are always more people with more needs. But through christ and our dependence on him we can bear their yokes, not remain above them because His yoke is easy and his burden is light.we can stuggle together, and we are called to. WE cant just come and be productive but not feel with haitians. This is partnership in every sense. We are just as privlidged to partner with them as they are with us. And though our work is small our God is big. And through him alone does it stop being Americans coming to do what they cannot and turning right around and heading out but community, where all are blessed and moved by the encounter. And though we cannot love them out of their current struggles we can shine like stars in Haiti as christ is our light. And they are already shining like stars. The bright eyes, the toothy grins, faces breaking out into huge smiles, parents fiercly loving their kids. Its here. They are light.
Yesterday and today made a really beautiful combination because yesterday was just a wonderful day-we went to the grocery store and had good food and saw the gorgeous mountains, we laughed and had fellowship, we sweated and accomplished big tasks working together. It was just enjoying being alive. Today was moving. Today I loved people hard enough that it hurt. And I was struck by the sadness and the struggles of Haiti. And today I was blessed to be able to suffer just a little bit with them. My suffering is nothing compared to theirs but I loved sharing it with them. I was not ready to leave for the compound. Sort of my typical state of being. Everyone waiting in the taptap while I linger and wonder why in the world we have to go so soon. Even as I write I feel better physically. It is almost as if I was sick just in order to have such a poignant morning. One I will not forget. With people I will not forget.

I read in a book of prayers by haitian one in particular I keep thinking about....

God,

They say we are poor.

Thank you father.

May we also be poor in spirit that we inheret the kingdom of heaven.

I thought I understood Gods heart for the poor, the oppressed the sojourner. But until I discover it beating in myself moving me to love and passion I do not have on my own, I dont know it at all. When I recognize it within me is when I began to grasp one little sliver of his heart, his fierce tender love for people. And that that love is not just for the Haitians but myself as well. I cannot lavish it upon and act as if it is something I will never really earn. Its lavished on me too. And only in taking ownership of that do I begin to be able to love any other person.