beloved.

The most incredible thing happened today. A group of high schoolers came to stay with us for a week for a youth mission trip. When they all piled out of the car I was suprised by how moved my heart was by the sight of them. It is clear that God really has given me his heart for high school girls because just seeing them brings me so much joy and thinking about the blessing it is to share a week with them and watch Jesus love them and move them and transform them. Even though I dont really like site seeing, I decided to go with them to go see downtown, and we ended out going to Repatriote instead because the church (outdoors) had filled with water and we needed to move everything so that they would be able to have service and the morning. I had such a strong sense of Gods love for me and his delight in my delight. I was willing to go to do the touristy thing even though I didnt get to be with all the long term people and he took me to my favorite place in Haiti where I have been working this whole time to see and work and sweat with the people I love so much. Just my happiness hopping out of the tap tap and seeing the kids who all know my name and come and are so excited to see me and then going over to talk to the guys I've known for three weeks now and seeing pastor leon and all working together, new and old people, haitians and americans so that there can be church in the morning for hundreds of people is a huge gift. Im starting to see it as a blessing that I love physical labor so much and something that Christ is delighted in-my desire to work hard for his kingdom. If I can resist the idolatry it can become, and accept that my desire to do labor is selfish and that the labor he has for me, whether or not it is physical, is far more valuable, then like today I will be given opportunities to do what I love without even having to manipulate or control them into being. And when I have no expectations and manipulation of my day, he is able to bless me with the gifts he has in store for me. After working they still wanted to do site seeing and I really didnt feel like it, but I remembered I am here to serve God and that means going  because I know it is where he wants me not weighing the significance of all my options and deciding where the best place is. Just because I dont see the fruit doesnt mean its not what he has for me. And harvesting requires patience. If I am so focused on the visible immediate rewards I will miss the much bigger things. If I only want to talk to these high school girls about Jesus, Im not going to be able to unless I take the time to do the little things with them and be present with them and get to know them. And we may never have those conversations and I have to trust that what God is doing in their lives and hearts is huge and he has decided my place in it, no matter how small that is.
Tonight we did a devotional as a staff and it was such a blessing. We read in luke about the cost of following christ and two of the girls who just came as volunteers are in a seeking sort of place so I am overwhelmed by the beauty of the idea that I get to walk with them through doubts and thoughts and life for a few weeks, and grow as a family and in christ as a group of volunteers. It really is like family.
It brings me to such a place of overwhelming thankfulness to see how the desire of my heart-for people to know and fall in love with christ has been so deeply and clewarly manifested today in the people I am living with and to see how my love and appreciation for people is growing immensely as I stand in Christ and his presence allows me to love them as they are in such a profound way. Its strange to love people you hardly know so much. People who are different, and the people you dont initally connect with but as you know them and see their yearning for life you just become crazy about them.
I pray that I have the courage to do what God calls me to do and that my own agenda does not replace him. It will take courage to speak and pray and lead the way he calls me too but it will also take courage to rest and just BE with him as I know he has gently been urging me towards. But he is faithful. I have counted the cost and decided that he is all I want. Whatever it takes. A dangerous decision because when Christ calls a man he bids him come and die. The only decision because until I die with him, I cant rise with him.
One thing that struck me from luke though is that just saying you want to follow jesus is not what he asks. They said they wanted to follow and he said no, because there were still things they had to keep to themselves...thats sort of where I am at this stage in life. So I pray for an  obedience that knows no bounds. And obedience that requires me to go where I would rather not go and also to leave when I am not ready...which is going to be the next big thing I think I will need to obey in. Knowing that I cannot clench my connection to Haiti but must see it as his gift and take it with an open hand that is ready to give it back to him when he wants it.
Today I know I am beloved. Thank you jesus, for knowing my heart and fulfilling my prayers and giving me life. You know how to care for me perfectly and have given me gifts to care for your people and draw them to you. Its all you, and none of it is me. Thank you for coming into my brokenness and making your home there and going to work in the world there. I love you.