I cant believe how fast this internet connection is

Today is my first day back from Haiti and it has been such a gift. Not because I was ready to leave but because of all that the Lord has been teaching me and just how rich it has been. I think the first thing that has really struck me is the thing Paul says about how he became a jew when he was with the jews and like the greeks when he was with the greeks and would do whatever it took in order to share the gospel with people. That applies perfectly to where I am today. That to come back and hate americans and be appalled by the abundant wealth of our world would not be Christ-like. The call is to love people. Not just Haitians. I definitely have experienced some reverse culture shock. I am shocked by the sixe of our buildings and how perfect our roads are and our cars and that we have so much stuff and Im just starting to get used to being around white people all the time and was unable to even buy anything to eat in the airport last night because it was just very strange to the crazy abundance of food, and shocked by everyone with all their technology. And I know that this is my culture. I am within it, not outside of it. I am american. But it didnt feel like mine. I didnt feel animsity or distaste, just alienated I guess. Im surprised by everything. Its so strange to be inside a house right now, because there is really no indoors in Haiti. Even in buildings there are open windows and doors and the hallways are outside. Its so strange and nice of course that there arent bugs. And that everything we have is so clean and shiny. And that Im supposed to use the sink to brush my teeth and that I am supposed to flush the toilet every time I go to the bathroom.
There is definitely a sense of wanting to cling to all of the five weeks I spent there and not forget anything at all and a fear that I have not been changed. And I feel sort of guilty for being able to adapt into American life, like it should be much harder. But what I am constantly reminded of is that I must cling to Christ alone. Not Haiti  Not Haitian orphans. Not ministry. Not the significance or usefulness of my summer. Just Jesus. And when I feel scared or out of place or utterly alone I can hold on tightly to him. And I am also learning that its good for me to just enjoy my day and what it brings. That my day is not less obedient or attractive to God because I went to a movie and for a walk with my grandparents and didn't shovel dirt or hold kids. Jesus doesn't love me less because I am not in Haiti. To act that way would be stripping the cross of its power.
I am still struggling with how to respond when people ask me about Haiti. I just don't know what to say. 5 weeks doesn't fit into a conversation. And the only proper response is Christ. Because he is why I went and he is who changed me and he is who made the impact through me and he is who I left with. But I don't want to use people asking me about Haiti as some sort of evangelism tool. Because I just want to speak truth.
I think Haiti did grow my love for people. Not just Haitians but people. And it makes me want to interact with every person I encounter. That was another weird thing. That here we are unaware of strangers presence..no one makes eye contact, you don't really talk to people you don't know, we all just live in our own little worlds here. In haiti you talk to everyone. And look at everyone, smile at them, touch them...there are no strangers.
There are some things that I dont know if I will get used to. I went into a shoe store with my grandparents at the mall and thought of hundreds of pairs of shoes, most of which are over a hundred dollars and I kow that I dont need shoes. I might never really need shoes again. And I think of how the orphanage could benefit from the cost of one pair of shoes. Especially the crazy high heeled ones. I saw a pair of sandals that were on sale for 120 dollars that said on the bottom (as like the brand logo) "too much is never enough" and that pretty much describes our shopping culture. And I think of construction guys who wore the exact same outfit to do construction every single day of the 5 weeks I was there the entire day, sweating, and who often didnt even own shoes so just let their feet be covered in mud as they worked.
But as I said, I have no right to condemn anyone. Anyone could call anything a waste of money. You could say that I could have sponsored a kid in school for 5 years for the amount I paid to go to Haiti for 5 weeks. So its a good reminder that I am an ambassador for Christ not Haiti and the gospel of Christ not the gospel of poverty ( the poorer and more you suffer, the more saved and better christian you are) and accepting that as much as I think I love haiti, he loves it more and he loves it better, and though I have left his presence is there just as much as it was when I was there. That God is not dependent on me, but that  he does invite me to be dependent on him does invite me to be a part of his work and says that if I let go of my own love, which is always self affirming and self seeking at the core, he can give me his which is selfless. Selfless love loves people. Simply because it is Gods love. And God is love. Not for anything about them but because of the nature of God .
But ultimately, Im just thankful. I'm not entitled to anything. To serving opportunities, to nice living conditions, to exercise, and so I can just enjoy the fact that I am alive and I am here with my grandparents. And that I can pursue and hold on to christ. And that it was not some huge suffering I should be commended for...it was  gift. A gift from God to be able to go to haiti. And now it is a gift to just to enjoy life with my grandparents enjoy the things I love like helping make dinner and reading and going on walks. Its good too.