more hudson taylor, cant get over this guy.

The enemy does all he can to draw us from entire consecration to Christ in which alone can the fullness of His love and power can be experienced.

We can still love him truly but not WHOLLY, we still revere his word but we don’t immediately yield in obedience to it.

God desires fellowship with us. God did not just save us, he desires us. I meet with girls all the time, I AM one in fact, who grasps the saving more than the desire. How often the first thing spoken of with God is obligation. I know I should be reading my bible more, I know I should be praying, I haven’t been doing quiet times etc. It’s the wrong foundation, even if we did spend hours pouring over the word, if it is out of obligation because God has saved us or we think it will make him happy, it is not what is spoken of by this bridegroom of ours. And the reality is, we follow our desires. Always. Girls who have a guy they like will spend hours with him. And cant bring themselves to spend one hour with the father. Because we misunderstand his desire for us, that it is deeper and more passionate and satisfying than the desire of any earthly love. We cannot imagine that God would enjoy us, that he would seek us, that he would woo us into the forest and beckon us to come with him.

I think about the labor for union with Christ. The alarm in believing the lie that our relationship to him “is pretty much the same” when we are not running after him, answering his call, we are moving further and further away. Knowing where we will find him, knowing his faithfulness, never means that he can be left outside calling us and we will be one with him. We’re being drawn closer or slipping away from him. Are default is to be sliding away from our love, because of all the other worldly loves we’re seduced and bombarded by. Hudson Taylor perfectly pinpoints the sin we tend to be drawn to,

The enemies may be small, but the mischief done great. A little spray of

blossom, so tiny as to be scarcely perceived, is easily spoiled, but thereby the fruitfulness of

a whole branch may be for ever destroyed. And how numerous the little foxes are! Little

compromises with the world; disobedience to the still small voice in little things; little indulgences of the flesh to the neglect of duty; little strokes of policy; doing evil in little things that good may come; and the beauty and the fruitfulness of the vine are sacrificed!

We can overestimate the value of communion with our Lord. Only in communion can we be changed into His image from one degree of glory to another. And as we are with him, and becoming more like him, fairer and more beautiful, we are sent out. Always. “Come with me,” he says. It is only as we go with him and join him in his work, that we change as the Beloved changed in Song of Solomon from His love to His bride.

He notes that Christ desires us to be gardens sealed, and springs locked, “where the fruit we bear brings blessing to many but the garden is for Himself alone.” He is our satisfaction and we are his. We are not machines, loved for the work we do. He delights in our communion with him in pursuing souls, delights in the fruit we bear that bring joy and Christ to other people, but most of all loves us as his Bride, one on one, our entire soul, just as it is, and then all we do is of Him and for Him.

When the bride in Song of Solomon has made a huge mistake in locking him out, she seeks him urgently, bringing others with her in her search. Even when she has tossed him aside, she knows that she is the object of his affection and claims him as her own. But she first says his claim on her, I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.  We are Christ’s before he is ours. This may seem to be semantics but it’s significant. Because I can rely on his claim for me far more than I can rely on my claim upon him. The work is his. The possession is his, and I gratefully and joyfully receive. My love is thin and easily directed elsewhere, his love is constant and strong, wide and deep. I proclaim his love, not my own. Not only for my relationship with Him but for every other person I encounter, may they not rely on me, may they not see my affection for them, may they not put their hope in me, but only and always Him who loves them more than I do and who is not broken, selfish, dark, and prideful as I am.

Home brings such awareness of my own sin. It’s astonishing. What is this selfishness, rearing in my soul? What is this pride, poisoning all my thoughts and making me more focused on myself than the people I am with? What is this need to prove myself?

But it’s good, very good. Simply because I cannot deny the utter sinfulness of my own heart and I have no choice but to try to surrender to God again and again, realizing that the love I have for people, while certainly from the lord, is much easier because it is not my own family. 

Song of Solomon and Hudson Taylor

There is no time so profitably spent as the morning hour given to Jesus only. Nothing can make up for it, Hudson Taylor says. And lived it. People recall hearing the strike of a match every single night at 4 am when he would get up to spend an hour with the Lord in prayer and the Word. It’s sobering to think of, when I contrast it with my own thin commitment to God. He goes onto to how in his presence we will see our own blackness and says, “Nothing humbles the soul like sacred and intimate communion with the Lord.”

All the service we do and ALL the fruit born of not abiding in Christ is fruit of the flesh and not of the Spirit. Also convicting. If I am not abiding in Christ in an active, every day sense, nothing I do, great or small will have eternal value.

I was able to go to a women’s study with my mom and they are going through the book of Esther. In chapter 5, Esther enters into the Kings court, knowing that doing so could cause her death. Perhaps she is even more concerned with humiliating her husband, whose wounds from the refusal of his last wife in front of all people are still fresh. Esther knows that if she put all her labor to saving her people without petitioning the king and going into his court, none of it would matter.

My Kings court is a beautiful place, that I rarely take time to enter. And if God was faithful to Esther, how much more will he dress me in the robes of his own righteousness and be pleased by my sight before him? It is audacious to enter into the king’s court, to ask something of the King directly, to speak to him face to face. But we do have unending access to him through Christ. Christ petitions for us. Taylor says that zeal in service to the neglect of personal communion incapacitates us for the highest service. We are not our own, we don’t rely on our power but that of the King.

All of this from Hudson Taylor is coming from Union and Communion, a book he wrote on Song of Solomon. The “she” in song of Solomon is all of us and the HE is Christ. One other thing he said that I loved,

Once she was contented in His absence—other society and other occupations sufficed her; but now it can never be so again. The world can never be to

her what it once was; the betrothed bride has learnt to love her LORD, and no other society than His can satisfy her.

acts 20

Bless the lord, O my soul. I am hopeless without you. I cannot worship, I cannot sit and be with you God unless you create the desire and the will in me to do so. You know the way my heart is bent, and that it is bent toward doing for you instead of being with you. But today, I am here to be with you. I have little to say to you, God, because I want this time to be filled with your word. I want your word on my lips, written on my heart. I have asked you to teach me how ministry is done. You drew me to Acts.

Paul says, in Acts 20,

You yourselves know how I have lived among you the whole time from the first day that I set foot in Asia, serving the Lord with all humility and with tears and with trials that have happened to me through plots of the jews; how I did not shrink from declaring to you anything that was profitable, and teaching you in public and from house to house, testifying both to Jews and Greeks of repentance toward God and of faith in our Lord Jesus Christ. And now, I am going to Jerusalem, constrained by the spirit, not knowing what will happen to me there except that the holy spirit testifies to me that in every city, imprisonments and afflictions await me. But I did not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I have finished my course and the ministry that I have received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

You lay out for us, Lord, how to do ministry. If we can say to a person, to a school, to a community, you know how I have been living AMONG you, I have been in your homes, I have been serving the Lord instead of people, the gospel instead of social justice, we will be testifying to you lord. If we do not account our life of any value, precious to ourselves, if we do not account any service as too low, only, only to testify to the gospel of the grace of God. It changes everything. The gospel, the spirit. We just live among, and serve, and then testify always. To every person, every age, everywhere. Humbly and thankfully say, my life is about the gospel, the grace of God: Jesus. You will do the rest. You need nothing from us. But you have given us, you have given me a course and a ministry that I want to finish-declaring the counsel of God and caring for the church.Loving her. Being her. Protecting her. And lord when you tell us to go, not when we get bored, now when we want to travel or carve a new life or get tired, but when you draw us elsewhere, we commend the people we love over to God, knowing that we have helped raise up and cultivate disciples who we can trust you will care for, you will keep in the word of your grace, which can build them up and can give inheritance to those that are sanctified. Give us hands to minister, when my hands want to take and hoard. Give us strength to labor for the weak. Not to convert them, but out of our love for them that flows from you.

It is more blessed to give than to receive. Jesus

based 1 corinthians 15

mystery and victory

I can do nothing with out you. Your ways are not my ways and your thoughts are not my thoughts. You are beautiful and I know that you will do more than I could ask or imagine if I surrender myself to you. Here I am. I’m sorry I want control so badly. I’m sorry I don’t know how to trust you and I am anxious about where I am. I don’t want to take my anxiety that grades and sports and relationships gave me and transfer that same anxiety to you and to me as your daughter and think that you are unhappy with me or unsatisfied or that I am ruining your ability to advance your kingdom. You love me. You use me. You strengthen me. And through you, I can bring glory to you. You are light and I am wrapped in you so I have the same light. You are love and your pour your love into me so I can pour out just as you can. All that Jesus is, I am too because of the work that he has done. Every day lord, I must come to confession again and say lord, I know I have really been hoarding my life today, keeping it from you, or I know I am falling into legalism, or I know that I have believed lies instead of truth and picked other things and used people to make myself worthwhile and used Christianity for my own gains and been unsatisfied with all the loveliness you have offered me. And I am sorry lord. And I know lord that this typing words into a page or speaking to you or thinking to you should not accomplish soul healing, but it does because you are good and you can take what is sown, my words, my offering to you, that are dead and bring them to life.

What is sown is perishable, what is raised is imperishable. It is sown in dishonor; it is raised in glory. It is sown in weakness; it is raised in power. It is sown in a natural body; it is raised in a spiritual body. I have borne the image of the man of dust, I shall, we shall, bear the image of the man of heaven who is Christ.

I know that your word is good and when your word is sown in me, Christ is sown in me. And when Christ is sown in me, the Spirit is sown in me. And the Spirit accomplishes the work so that I may be changed from death to life, from the man of dust to the man of heaven. Bearing the image of Christ.

This is all your work. None of it is mine. There is nothing for me to add to this work, you have completed it and continue to do it daily. Victory is through Christ, given to us. What a gift. We can rest. We can joyfully work, joining you. The perishable cannot inherit the imperishable. No matter how great that perishable is. No matter how many inner city kids are known, how many grades are improved, how many cities are changed, how many times I tell someone the gospel-it will not move me from perishable to imperishable. BUT as Paul says we shall all be changed. The dead will be raised imperishable. We put it on. The perishable put on the imperishable. But God has given us the victory through Christ.

Psalm 119 25-32

God, my soul clings to the dust. The cross must be clung to, not the dust. But I can’t let it go without you God. My soul clings to the dust. That is my confession to you this morning God. I’m clinging to dust and I cant let go. What does this mean, to have a soul clinging to dust? Unable to be satisfied with you alone. Wanting more. More mission. But I am a daughter, not a slave. You say that you are Husband, not Baal.

Give me life according to your word. Life according to your word-it comes in, this word of yours, and resides in my heart. Christ is your word. I become all yours, and then there is peace, because I am no longer my own.

When I told you of my ways you answered me. My ways are not your ways. I crave distraction God. I want to be distracted from my ways and my dust-clinging and my lack of life according to your word. But I know that it is good to just be with you because all the work I can do in life that matters is your work through me. Nothing that I do apart from you could last. My ways will end so soon. My life will end in 70 years. Your ways are forever. Your word will not fade, will never pass away. And I can surrender fully to you. Daily. Hourly.

Make me understand the way of your precepts and I will meditate on your wondrous works. Now if the psalmist says this it must be worth doing a lot of time. Spending a good portion of my day understanding the way of your precepts and meditating on your works. And I know that this makes sense. The closer I get to you, the more I know you and your word, I’m going to be able to move with the spirit and be attuned to you and be able to beautifully portray who you are. But I am so set on doing, and somehow meditating isn’t doing to me. Its not as good. That makes no sense. Of course its good. Because if I toil really hard but its not honoring you, its not with your word and your spirit and offering you, it’s a waste. You’ll work in me no matter what but I’m going to limit what you can do with me if I insist on toiling. And I see this so clearly as I think about the week. Where I kept meeting with people but I was tired, I forgot how to listen, I wasn’t able to let the spirit move, my selfishness and self-centeredness just drew me into my self. And today I wake up and I think…you’re going to give me plans right? Purpose? Significance for this day?

Yes, you say. With me. Understand my precepts today. Meditate on my wondrous works. That is what today is for. No one else. And everyone else. Because you must know me well to share me.

My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Write your word upon my heart God, that it reverberates through me all day. So this self-destructive internal monologue can be replaced by your word offering unending life, making me more like you.

Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law! Please do these things in me God. Dig the false ways that are deeply rooted in my heart. Reach into the soil of my soul and free me from the false ways that I am not even aware of right now. So many lies lord that play through our minds all day-about ourselves and other people.

I have chosen the way of faithfulness, I have set your rules before me. Were told, in college, to make a lot plans. To set goals before us. But the psalmist says to set your rules before us. And to set Christ before us, because Christ is the mark of the new covenant. And to set the cross before us.

I cling to your testimonies O Lord, let me not be put to shame. O, great Lord, how you can change a heart. We go from clinging to dust to clinging to your testimonies. We place our whole heart in the things of this world and then our whole heart in you and what you have done for us. And we proclaim and say, Look! See what he has done. See how he loves you.

I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart. Running. Running in the way of your commandments. It is good God. I’m thankful you know my runner heart. And give me the right way to run. In the way of your commandments. But even this is only possible when you enlarge my heart. 

What God speaks to us in Colossians 1-2

What does Colossians have to say to me?

 Christ is everything.  He is the image of the invisible God. The firstborn over all creation. In him all things hold together. He is before all things. He is head of his body, the church. He is over every ruler, throne, and principality. He wants to know you. He is pursuing you. In him the fullness of God was pleased to dwell. In him the fullness of God was pleased to dwell. He is the firstborn over all creation, and then the firstborn of the dead. He became just as dead as you are; you can be just as alive as he now is. He is not there with you (the father reminds me), he is with me. The spirit is with you. Remember? He left so it could come. And it is still there. In you. He reconciled all things to himself. When I say all things, I mean you. You’re a part of that, a part of earth. Not separate from it, a part of it.

As I write, I remember I want you to be known, God. I become aware of how small my prayer has been. How few and far between. How good it is to be here with you. How valuable the time you have given is. Time with you (alone), time with believers, and time with nonbelievers. All my time falls into those categories. They are all crucial, and all beautiful. None are a waste. They are great, great times. And you bring peace, peace by your blood. Of your cross. The peace you bring, you give to us. And then I come in-once alienated, hostile, but now reconciled by your body, in your death. It’s all yours. None of it is mine. The death and the body were not mine at first. They were all yours. But now I am reconciled to you. You are going to present me holy and blameless and above reproach. And I think, wait a second God, there has been a mistake. I’m not holy. I’m not blameless. And I am not above reproach. And if there is any place that I am absolutely, starkly, entirely not those things, it is before your throne. Here on earth, in comparison, in the midst of the grime of our existence and brokenness evident in everything here, I can hide my brokenness. Not to myself ever, I know my selfishness very well. But to the world. I do great deeds, you know. I hang out with urban kids. I’m studying social work. That’s noble, right God? That’s what they tell me. I went to Haiti. I love my parents. I have friends. The most lawbreaking I do is speeding and jaywalking and biking without a helmet. But God, before you, I know the weight of all those good things is darkened by my heart. Which is black. It is stained by sin. If you can see all of me, you’ll see a lot of the domesticated, tinsel-covered sin for what it really is. I know that God. I know that if I were to stand in your presence, if there had ever been a damned, I would be among the damned. Because I’ve crushed a lot of people in my little life. I hate to share. I’m not generous. I don’t like when things steal my time. I’ve made people like me then rejected them when they got too close or clingy. I judge people constantly. I let my friends keep on sinning. I want to be great more than I want you to be great. In my serving, I want to be great. I’ve always wanted to be great. I used to hurt my little brother and pretend it was an accident. I don’t spend time with difficult people. I worship urban ministry. I hate confession. I like to take the upper hand in our relationship. I’m enslaved to and obsessed with time and it being used well by some strange hierarchy I’ve created that’s not even gospel truth. I do love you. A lot. I do believe that you are worth all my life. I do want my life to be about you. I want to be healed and made perfect, and most of all I want to lose myself in you. And so when you say, I’m reconciling you to myself I think that there is nothing better you could ever say. Because that’s what I need.

But then I start to worry, because Paul says, “I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I am filling up what is lacking Christ’s affliction for the sake of his body that is the church of which I became a minster according to the stewardship from God that was given to me for you to make the work of God fully known."

Wait a minute. This is way too much to take in.

First off, I am not rejoicing in sufferings for the sake of my girls. I don’t even know who my girls are right now, I’m scattered. I don’t know how to pursue well. Lord, help me because I’m lost. Real lost.

Paul says he is a minister of the hope of the gospel.

Which means making the word of God fully known.

The mystery has been revealed. Jesus is the word of God. Jesus is God speaking salvation into being. Jesus is the uttered word.

God CHOSE to make known to me-

How great are the riches of the glory of this mystery.

The mystery is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

Christ in you. He is already there. He has done all the work. Christ in you.

Christ in you is the greatest thing the world has ever and will ever see.

Him we proclaim. To the Christian, Christ is All. Him alone we proclaim. As Savior. As Life. As the hope of glory. To us, He is it. There is no alternative. Christ alone. We want all to be presented mature in Christ. Maturity in Christ is what we strive for. Not converts, disciples. Those for whom Christ is lord of their life. At the time of Paul, becoming Christian was a death sentence. It was dangerous. It cost you everything. There were no Christians who weren’t followers. That would never be worth the risk and the cost.

With all girls lord, help me to strive for maturity in Christ. And that is a lifelong journey. And you say to me, Krystal, love, you must be reaching out to those who do not know me. You know what it looks like to know me. I don’t care whether you are pouring into church goers or pagans, addicts or kids or classmates. There are many who do not know me, and I am entrusting you with the hope of glory. Myself. The fact that I have done all to present each blameless before the throne, that I have done all that must be done for salvation, that I am worth the entirety of lives.

Krystal, you are obsessed with toil. You love to toil. That love is from me. I have put it in you. Now direct all towards me. If people are not coming to know me, its not worth toiling. Hunter has to be about disciple making. It has to be about presenting people mature in Christ. Hope for Hunter is going to be a community of people committed to wooing the families of Southeast Raleigh for the love of Christ. For lavishing the love of Christ on Hunter Elementary. All that you do must go to that purpose. Bring them into church. Into community groups. Build leaders who can build leaders.

Urban ministry. That is the love of your life. And it is from me. I know you, love. I know you full well. And I know your heart for urban ministry and I want to cultivate that and I want every ounce of your life and energy and strength for the maturity of people in Christ.

I want all my energy for that God. More than that. I want all your energy for that.  You work powerfully within me. I don’t rely on my own strength. 

This is what I want to see: hearts knit together in love. Which means your heart being knit in love with urban families. It shouldn’t be possible. It should be two separate worlds. But I do not see what you see in those communities. I see great strengths. I see disciples. I see Christ formed in them. I’m going to knit your heart to theirs. That’s what I want to do with you little love.  Knit your heart to theirs. When hearts are knit together in love they reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of my mystery, which is Christ.

You will work that in whatever I do. You do more than I ask or dream with every element of my life, every friendship, every trip, every class I take. You turn it all into not-so-small miracles.