Come to haiti if you can. There is no chance that you will hate it. Almost everyone here seems to have been before...they came once and they wanted more. It was not enough for them. Here it is not impressive to love Haiti, because everyone here does. Whats not to love? I realized that this has been such a spiritual pilgrimage that I am forgetting to talk about Haiti and am only discussing the inward battles being waged. Both of course are important to me. Nights in Haiti may be the best. Or morning. At night though you can look at the mountains in every direction full twinkling little lights and its stunning. It really is. And in the mornings its cool and crisp and well, I cant say quiet, its never quiet in Haiti, but you untangle yourself from your mosquito net and walk up to the roof to greet the day and soon our cooks come walking up the stairs with breakfast and plates and everything balanced on their head and a little smile and say good morning and then you get to have haitian coffee. Morning starts very early in Haiti. Like between 5 and 6. Heres what a day kind of looks like...I wake up and go up to the roof to spend time with God over coffee then go down to where all the kids hang out before school and play with them til they all get in their lines for morning prayer, go back up for breakfast, then head to the construction site or start work around the compound. On the best days you work hard til lunch, have a nice long slow lunch and then work a few more hours and get done at 4. Dinner at 5ish and read and talk to people the rest of the evening. Its the little moments that make it special though. Like the people who patiently try to explain things in creole when you dont understand. Or the fact that you greet every person you see. Or when people are so excited to say their english phrase to you and you are equally excited to say your haitian phrase but thats all you know so you just kind of smile at eachother for a while but its not really awkward. Or hearing all the guys laughing together at the construction site. Or that Pastor Leon always introduces me to people as his girl, and the daughter he has adopted. I think people keep coning because they feel loved .At the same time its tough because you dont know if anything youre doing is really helpful at all...the work we do takes away from Haitians who could be doing it, the things we bring down could be bought at the stores...most people are unemployed, the tent cities you cant even believe, there is trash everywhere...I think the orphanages are the hardest thing for me because the demand is so much higher than the capacity. And it is crazy that the money it costs for a mission group to come down for a week could feed an orphanage for a month. And there are orphanages were kids are starving. But you cant say mission groups are bad. Because the relationships are crucial. And you cant get so caught up in justice that you forget jesus.
Haiti probably doesnt fit into the categories we want it to. There are rich areas as well as poor areas, there is more joy here than I've seen in any area of our country, mission groups help and they harm, Haitian kids do seem to think that were just here to give them free stuff, but some insist on giving me their candy. I love international missions more, but I see its pitfalls even more clearly the longer I am here. I still think the greatest danger is when mission forgets jesus. He has to be the only concern of every person following him. Their concern for their mission cant outweigh their concern for him because then you just transfer your sin and distate to other people. You love the Haitians but make fun of the Americans you are living with. We have to destroy sin in every form. If there is anything we would not say if a particular person or group of people is present we cant say it. We cant even think it. This is not to be legalistic, or extreme, I really think its a serious thing. Every person is Christs beloved. We can take very little pride in adoring Haitian children. Its virtually impossible not to. It is the people that irritate us, that we want to exclude, that offend us, that we feel put down our ideas or contradict what we say...those are the ones we have to truly love, not even make them think we love them but really treasure them. Its not optional. They are his bride. As are we. We cant love him and not his bride. Both or neither. I have not got this figured out. I think thats why it has weighed so much on my heart because I really struggle with it. There are people that God has given me a heart for. But that is a gift from him, not something of my own that cancels out people I dont feel like loving.
One other little thing was that I read in 1st corinthians if we preach with eloquent words the cross is stripped of its power. I love eloquent words. I dont want to say anything cliche about being here. I want some unique experience that will give people new insight. What does  this all mean? The focus is on my writing, when the only focus should be christ. If my writing distracts from him and his cross he bore or tries to add anything to that, its better not to write. The power is in the simplicity. And my thought is well what if thats not enough for people? And his answer is that the cross is foolishness to some and to others it is Life. That the weak and lowly are lifted up to shame the strong so that no one can boast. I pray that my writing be stripped of everything but the gospel and how it is being manifested in Haiti and people and life.

God,

I want to write but I dont know what to say or how to say it. I know that you are good. I know that while I am here you are teaching me that you alone are my righteousness. That when I am sitting doing nothing in Haiti, hot, unproductive, feeling useless, feeling insignificant, that you will never love me more than you do in those moments. Because your love for me is constant. It does not depend on what I do. I've probably been able to say that to you for years, but I have not learned it. Because I sink into deep sadness when I have nothing to do. Sometimes I feel physically sick because I do not want to do nothing for another second. I always want to be busy, involved in ten million things, in a ministry where I can see the results and see people growing and here I am not. And it is such a communal life. So if the group is tired, its time to rest. I cant go haul rocks around alone because of a need to feel productive. And if I want solitude in the morning, it doesnt really matter because there is always someone somewhere and they usually want to talk. And I jsut have to be okay with that. Im learning that you have rhythm designed for the day just as you have a rhythm for the trees and oceans and seasons. And that day starts with you and it ends with you , but there is also work. You made me to work. So my urge to work is good. Work and prayer are always together, If prayer and time with you is not part of my day, my work will be filled with angst or laziness or temptation, but if  I were to spend all day in prayer, prayer would become meaningless, not at all a gift and I would not be doing the work with my hands and my mind that you call me too. Youre stripping me of so many comforts at once lord. And I know that you are saying to me, "I'm going to leave with you with nothing but myself. If I let you have a summer filled with productive, fruitful ministry, you would not need me. But when you cannot rest in the work you are doing for my kingdom, you have nothing but me. You cannot forget that I am the one who brought you out of Egypt, that it is my son by whom you are saved. Not my son and.. there is no and. I love the work that you do, but it doesnt matter. I love it because Christ is in you and you are in him. Not because it is good in itself. Nothing is good that is not in Christ."
The kids who I am with love me better than I love them. They smile and come running at me and play with my hair and give me hugs and kisses and teach me creole. They love me. I did nothing to deserve their love.
In some ways they grasp God and his love so much more than I do. They dont care that I am broken and that I am only staying for a few weeks or that I am moody or selfish. They just adore me, from the first time they see me. how do they love like that? And all the mission groups and volunteers here, myself included, arent anything like that. We dont offer hardly any love to anyone. We all do are own thing. were easily irritated by people who snore or hog the shower. Were judgemental. I dont know whats going on. All I know is that the 2nd graders know how to love. They love recklessly and their joy abounds. You leave them feeling beloved to God. They do not obsess over what they are doing and that they are not doing enough the way I do. They just live.
God I'm beginning to understand the passivity you require of your followers. That they do not make their own plans but wait for you to reveal what you want of them. That you when you come to live in our souls, we must surrender everything to you. We can nothing of ourselves left. Your followers have ONE single duty "to keep ones gaze fixed on the master one has chosen and be constantly listening to hear, understand, and obey his will. That you block every other avenue that we walk to you alone. We have to be prepared to do anything or nothing. I am prepared to do anything but nothing. And it is the willingness to do nothing that you require of me. Because no matter what I do, its never enough for me. I have a beautiful morning playing with kids and doing physical labor, but if the whole afternoon is for resting in you, I am so upset. I can spend time with you but there is a limit. The rest of the time I want to be ministry. And you say to me, "Little one, productivity, is becoming your golden calf. Your desire for me depends on how useful you think you are to the kingdom. You pour grace on ecery human you encounter but have none for yourself."

Today I wrote to him, God I want to be in control.

I imagine his response..."I know you do. But I am your satisfaction. You can be really busy and really successful, even in ministry, but you cannot do so and follow me. I want all of you"

lows and highs

Earlier today, when I first attempted to write this post, I decided that I was going to be honest and say that I was having a rough day. Some of my favorite people left, a bunch of new people came so I was unable to find community or solitude and it was a day at the compound not doing much of anything after a 3 hour service in creole. Mostly though, I think I just was really missing discpling and connecting deeply with girls. The bonds I have formed here in Haiti are deep in their own way, but I never realized what a blessing it is to know language and culture and be able to effortlessly make conversation until I got here, where I speak very little creole. I would argue that knowing the language is absolutely crucial to ministering and discipling and even the base level of relationship building. I would also urge any person to learn as much of the language they can before going to another country even if they are going for construction or whatever or its a short trip.
But anyways, I was writing this long post since I hadnt been able to get on the computer in days when the power shut off and I lost the whole thing. Which was ironic but turned out to be really beautiful because I went upstairs to read instead and finally talked a little to the team who had just gotten in the day before. It is a korean team from a korean church in richmond, and for some strange reason, I had it in my mind that I was not going to connect with this group because they were different from me. An illogical attitude to have since I expect and hope the Haitians will connect with me even though I am different. But the greatest thing happened, I started talking to the team and discovered that I had been completely off base-they were friendly and very much in love with Jesus (at least the few that I talked to) and it was such a cool example of the way God is, that in my lonliness he would reveal his love to me in the very group of people I didnt think I was going to connect at all with. And then our Haitian cook came up and I told her I liked her hair and she just beamed and was able to explain (dispite the language barrier) that it was for the mothers day celebration performance they were doing.
It amazes me that in the course of one day, I can go from being ready to get on a plane and head out (when saying good bye to the people I have been working with the whole time I have been here) and within a few hours be completely content and have no desire to be anywhere else. I think part of this is the fact that my state of being is very much dependent on what I am doing and who I am with...that if one thing is wrong suddenly everything else becomes a problem as well. At the same time, I think this is by nature an intense experience and will evoke intense emotions in me...probably both positive and negative.
This weekend though, I have been able to put into action the idea of a sabbath. Saturday truly was a day of rest. The only thing we did was go to the beach in the afternoon which was very restful. I am learning in Dueteronomy that the reason we have sabbaths is to be reminded that it is the Lord who has saved us, Christ who has justified us, and that he has already accomplished everything and brought us out of slavery into the promised land. If we never stop working and doing and going, we may accidently think that it is our work that gives us our worth or our salvation or that we can depend on ourselves. When I am not working I cannot find satisfaction in myself and what I am accomplishing which reminds me of my utter and total dependence on God. Yesterday, I appreciated my sabbath, today I was over resting. But the point is that if I didnt do anything for the rest of my years, it would not matter because my life and my salvation and my justification is based 100% on what Christ did and is doing and has nothing to do with what I have done or am doing here in Haiti or anywhere else. The fact that he can and would do such of thing shows me that he is the only thing worth living for, but he did not die on the cross because of how well I lived for him, but rather in spite of me. Thats what the sabbath says to me. I dont like it, to be honest. But I know all the resting is very good, because I remember who I am dependent on and that  I am not independent and able to see the selfishness in my productivity. The offensiveness and glory of the cross is that there is nothing for us to earn. Offensive that nothing we do is enough, and glory because what Christ did is enough.

falling in love (with Haitian kids)

(disclaimer: there is no spell check on this computer so there is probably a lot of mistakes, but I'm probably not going to go back and proofread the whole thing, soo hopefully it still makes sense)

Its been a rich two days. Each day has had some homesickness but alos a lot of my favorite moments in Haiti so far. The most discouraging thing has been the hostility I have when the day is not going the way I want it to do. It is such a reminder that I am not capable of doing good outside of Christ. But far more crazy is that he does do good in and through me. Yesterday I got to go to this wonderful orphanage for the third time and ended out spending most of my time with a baby named Niaka. She had so much to teach me. Gorgeous, around 2, and very developmentally delayed, probably with a mental disability of some sort. When Angie, the American staffperson saw me holding here she told me about how sometimes she doesn't get as much love as the other babies because she looks different and is sometimes totally unreponsive to attention. She just stares up most of the time. But when she does connect with you its wonderful. It amazes me how comfortable kids are with their dependency, how vulnerable, how thankful for affection and care. I rebel against being any of those things, even to God. And then I meet a beautiful little girl in an orphanage who in some ways is so far ahead of me. And when you are with a child as beautiful as Niaka, everything you normally stress or worry about just dissolves and the constant questions I have of whether I am doing the best or most useful thing are gone because it is perfectly clear that my only purpose is to love the child in my arms as much as I possibly can for as long as I possibly can. I got to see the other girl I am especially attached to as well whose name is Wilda. Since my first time there, we stick together for however long I am there. If she ever has to leave to get bathed or eat, before long I look down and she is smiling up at me and whenever I first get to the orphanage I look until I find her and when we see eachother she smiles and usually hides her face.
Today I spent the day at the construction site called rue patriot. I am learning how to be peaceful as I work and not just be looking forward to getting it over with. During lunch one of the long term volunteers came back to see the men he had worked with for over a year. It was such an example of community and international work to see him stand in fromt of these Haitian men, crying and speaking to them in creole about how much he loved working with them and then to see so many of the Haitians stand to personally address him and the work that he did. It showed so clearly that the bonds in Christ are deeper than any cultural barriers and that the men who I have been working with can get really serious and really do feel things, not just joke around all the time, and that mutual friendships and partnerships are possible. Equally poignant was seeing Bill Fudge, the man who has been leading construction for the last month and working incredibly hard every day, continue working on the foundation and let the lunch be about Steven (the long term volunteer) even though he planned it, invited everyone, and prepared a special lunch for his last day working with the men. Such an example of the humilitly of Christ and reminder that all the glory belongs to God.
I am getting to know the kids are the construction site pretty well since they hang around most of the day. Its funny because it gets to that point where they become more like siblings and less of adorable little ones, and you start to get exasperated with their need to constantly be involved or their sass, but its also beautiful because it is the beginning of real relationship not just the superficial part where you think they are perfect. One 9 year old in particular named Checowski loes to help and always wants to do my job for me. Now I tend to get kind of fiesty on the work site about wanting to pull my own load and feel useful and get some exercise, to be totally honest, so I didn't always do the best with letting him help. Kind of ebarrassing really, but humbling as I look back on it. Anyways, he ended out helping me so much, always finding me the stuff I couldn't find, and much better than me at mixing mortar and calling my name to tell me stuff all the time. And at the end of the day he was on my back and he leaned over and kissed my cheek and I pretty much fell in love right then and there. Thats my favorite and the most heart wrenching thing. Falling in love with Haitian kids. And adults too. One of the workers who is always excited to work on his english by taliking to me found my water bottle for me today. I was all distressed and told him and he was looking and looking and I'm thinking I'm telling another girl about how I am going to die of thirst and its not where I put it in my usual melodramatic fashion when he walks up with it beaming. One of many many reminders about how constantly and faithfully I am served by Haitians, not the other way around. Those are the first things that come to my mind from the last couple of days...I don't even have time to get into the treasures I am finding in Dueteronomy but prehaps tomorrow.

I surrender my heart to Yours.

At peace. Because I have discovered the strategy of writing after everyone has gone too bed, so I don't have to rush out of fear of missing something or hogging the only computer. Really though, I am at peace because I took time to be with God. Really for the first time since I have been here to sit down with him, just us, without a time constraint or agenda, but just to keep company with Him. Why I put so many things before him I don't know. It must have something to do with an obsession with not missing out on anything or usefulness. But whenever I do I find what I didn't know I had lost-peace, contentedness, satisfaction, love for people, genuine appreciation of who they are.
I have stumbled upon exactly the right book to be reading during my time in Haiti, which is the Genessee Diary by Henri Nouwen, his journal from the 7 months he spent in a Trappist monastery. It reveals to me so much about my heart here in Haiti as I read and recognize his struggles as my own. He talks often about his need to be appreciated and needed and given attention and affirmation. It has helped me to see that although it is through obedience that I came to Haiti, it is not a selfless trip by any means. I cannot pretend that I do not enjoy the attention and appreciation from both Haitians and people in the States. I cannot act as if the Glory of God is my only concern when I recieve so much glory for going on this trip. This does not mean that I should not have gone, but rather it is something to recognize in the arms of the one who calls me to Himself by name. I have to see this thirst I have to do godly things that other people find impressive because if that is what I am seeking, I am not seeking God. I have to ask myself how happy I would be if not involved in any sort of ministry or if no one knew or cared what I was doing. Not because I need to dwell endlessly on unreal situations or become self condemning but because ministry and mission work are just as threatening an idol as money or sex or golden calves, if not moreso because of how esteemed it is by everyone else.
Henri Nouwen talks a lot about how his need to be original and different is keeping him from being formed to christ. That you have to recognize that anything worth saying has been said in the word of God and his saints so you cannot be originial. Which is especially important as I write, that I discard the goal of being a good writer or writing things people find interesting, impressive or insightful.
He talks also about searching for God for "the glory that can be derived from smart manipulation of godly ideas," and that the only way to really run after and fight for God's glory not our own is to recognize the fact that we ARE the glory of God. We are the place he has chosen to dwell.
I went to work at the constuction site today again, and learned a lot about myself. We put mortar in an arch, my first attempt at masonry, and it was suprising to see how frustrated I was with my inability to immediately master the skill. Then I went to shovel in the hole we are digging for the school, because I thought shoveling was my favorite work because it is most exerting. We were shoveling mud though, and it was absolutely disgusting. But it gave me a much deeper appreciation for the men who had been shoveling all day, all week. Because as soon I started, I didn't want to do it anymore. For a few minutes, it seemed a bit more like experiencing life with them, not just being a visitor. Its also tough to know how to respond when kids constantly ask you for stuff. I know the theories about poverty and how the poor see white people as infinitely rich and interested only in handing out lots of free things from some of their abundant wealth and heading out. So in that light, its much better to say no. But that sucks when they ask you for band aids. Or food. Or water. But I trust that God is working, just like he is doing a work in me now, especially today.
And I am learning the rhythms for work and rest, as we work hard during the day with physical labor but then from 5 on we just eat, have fellowship and rest. There is a lot more rest integrated into my life here. Mostly not by choice but I am very thankful for it. It reminds me not to put so much weight in what I am accomplishing.

Something beautiful I opened up to this evening:

He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth for the Lord has spoken. It will be said on that day, Behold this is our God; we have waited for him that he might save us.

Isaiah 25:8-9

God, we surrender our hearts to yours.

Wonderful day. Got to spend time with the Lord over some Haitian coffee, which I am really going to have a tough time parting with, then worked in the school all morning giving english exams to 5th and 6th graders, assembled gifts for preschool graduation and then spent the afternoon at the construction site making concrete, shoveling sand, hanging out with kids there. The longer I am here the better it gets. I was very afraid I wouldnt form any relationships which was a rdiiculous fear. Now the bigger fear is leaving peoples lives. Adults of couse will be fine but the kids I am love is going to be tough. But they have wonderful families that love them, so they are probably not nearly as attached to me as I am to them. Its interesting how much of my mood hinges on how much I have to do. Lots to do, I'm happy, little to do I am depressed. It points to the fact that I still struggle with Gods love for me being constant, not ficle, not dependent on my work or my ministry or my life. I hope if I grow in Haiti, it will only be in the direction of attachment to Him. Thats all that matters. Being detached from the world is the best way to love it. Because you do not demand that it fulfills you and brings you life. You do not have such an obsession with being necessary and depended on and you can rest in your utter dependence on others and God. The compound is full of life between the kids, the long term people and the lots of short term people coming in and out
So I must find the tension between not spending too much time writing but taking the time to write. I f I dohnt I'm sure it will be my biggest regret. But once I start writing, it is sure hard to stop. You acnt help the feeling you are only scratching the surface of what is going on and not giving any of the people you wanted to talk about the light you wanted to shine upon them. Today my friend Cola said to me that I am almost Haitian because I'm getting tanner. It made me so happy haha. I'm extremely proud and honored to be able to identify with the Haitian people. I adore them and admire them. More tomorrow hopefully...

Fight the good fight.

more on Haiti, more on Jesus

I'm not really sure what I have been thinking, not blogging. How funny that when most people start blogs, on trips to other countries, I stopped posting. I think it stemmed from the idea that of wanting to just be in a place and not miss being there by writing about being there. But writing is beautiful because it means this experience of Haiti is shared. The greatest thing about being in Haiti is being loved by the Haitians. I'm learning a lot about simplicity here. Not simplicity of life as much as simplicity of love. I am so used to being able to have really deep conversations and really intellectual discussions about the bible and with the Haitians I am so limited that I do a lot of smiling and waving, a lot of good morning and good afternoon, and a lot of how are you. Which is the most surface thing ever but here it is not at all! That is an excellent way to love people and to be loved by people. Because when they smile at me, and they always smile and wave back, I feel incredibly loved. So it is my hope and my prayer that they feel the same. I think perhaps the most powerful thing is learnign how to enjoy Haiti and its people. Not coming here with any mission to accomplish, but seeing it as a GIFT that I would be invited into THEIR lives for the month that I am here, that they would patiently teach me their language, that they are happy to show me who they are, to laugh and talk with me. There is nothing forsaken about Haiti. It is lively and communal and musical. It has a pace where there is room for rest and enjoyment. Now, this is not to minimize the very real issues or the needs. But I had thought exclusively of the needs and really been thinking "poor Haiti" ever since the earthquake. But Haiti does not need our pity. And Haiti does not need us to bring Jesus because he is here! He is evident here...in their eyes, in their lives, in thier singing, in their prayers. In fact America could probably really use some Haitian missionaries! What I am finding daily is the wisdom of Pastor Leon who suggested to me the idea of partnership their ministry is founded on. When Americans and Haitians work together as partners with mutual respect and the understanding that each brings something the other could not do on their own, We should not minimize all that we have to offer, but we absolutely cannot minimize what the Haitians have to offer. It will be our loss. Now, I am considering the idea of actually blogging about what I do on a day to day basis. I've never thought that what I do would really be of interest to anyone else but in this case, it would allow people to know more about what I am doing, though it is not at all miraculous (I'm serious.Sometimes I just watch movies and hang out.That is not mission work.) God is quite miraculous. And what he is doing is worth talking about. And I am so so blessed to get to see that here in Haiti. Also, I am being prayed for. More than I can grasp and probably even imagine. And I am learning the very very real power of prayer. And starting to realize that when this seems to easy it is the mysterious work of prayer and not just easier than I expected. I can feel these prayers. I can feel being cared for and loved. It is prayer that makes me flexible, keeps me from being sick, provides me with strength. Nothing in me would allow me to do this and to live this on my own. So thank you. Or merci, in creole. And I am writing as a little tiny token of gratitude for the lavishing of prayer that is on me. It just amazes me to think that there are people in another country, thousands of miles away petitioning God on my behalf and thinking and praying about Haiti with fresh passion. That is just as beautiful as going to Haiti. In some ways more so,. because you are not given the recognition or the experiece of actually being there. Prayer is not easy. And yet, I am faithfully being prayed for. What a gift! What a gorgeous body Christ has. So, I will do my best to write as much as I possibly can, even the little things I think no one would want to know. Today, I got to work with Haitians building an arch and a school. Kids came and went all day, staying to talk and joke with us as we worked. There is a man wo speaks spanish so its been great talking to him. Sort of strange to be an American speaking spanish to a Haitian whose native language is Creole in Haiti. All of the workers are always so excited to see us and have big smiles. I have never seen so many smiles or smiled so much as I do here in Haiti. So a full day-woke up at 5ish, read exodus 32-34 which is absolutely gorgeous and very applicable, got to know some great girls who are here for a week, worked all day at the site which is called rue patriot, had a staff meeting where Pastor Leon really makes it a family meeting, ate dinner under an awning during pouring rain, had a heart to heart with two of the girls about passions, missions, poverty, and Jesus, and now am writing. I also have been thinking a lot about dependence on Christ, how unattracted I am to though of having to depend on anyone, and the idea of being in prayer while at work. Not necessarily literal prayer, but just keeping company with God, asking him to do what I cannot in myself, and seeing all the moments where I am not working, which is an awful lot more than I am comfortable with, as moments for prayer instead of that uncomfortable urge to be productive.

blogging from Haiti

In the minutes it has taken this page to load, I've been trying to think of what I can compare the feeling to of loggng onto the blog having not done it for about a week and a half. It tastes the same way cold water does here in Haiti, probably just about the most refreshing best thing possible. I've missed it so much. I dont know what I was thinking not writing. Perhaps that is part of the hardness of this week. When you are used to writing and contemplating and pouring out thoughts and you don't, you start to lose that spark of life. I've been hating having free time and I don't know how I never made the connection that I should be WRITING and writing and writing. Because when I don't write its just not good at all. My mom was the one who suggested this lovely idea. I think it was the idea that I should use the computer as little as possible because why go to haiti and sit in front of a computer? But how in the world am I going to share Haiti and Jesus if I don't write?? And so now I will, as much as I can. So, Haiti. Its just hard. And beuatiful. Those are the best words I can think of for this place. It has taught me how big God is, because he is big enough for Haiti. And he was already here, long before I got here. The poverty is a very strange thing. At first I wasn't really hit by it. Numbness maybe? Or the sense that this is just what the world looks like here. Because they experience just as much joy and sorrow as we do in the US. Their lives are just their lives. They know nothing else. But then as I have been here a week, it is starting to soak into my skin. And I think it is when I read an email from my mom or best friend that I realize that its not okay. It is the fusion of the two worlds, the one I now find myself in and the one I have lived in my whole life that I can feel. What struck me most today is that God did not promise me the wealth, the education, the comfort, the family, the life that I have. And so I cannot think about the fact that I am paying so much to be so uncomfortable here because none of my money is mine. It is all his. 100%. God did not even promise me that I would be able to feel useful, to feel the advancement of his kingdom. Because most of the time I feel quite helpless here. Hating not being able to talk to people about Jesus. Hating not being able to understand when a child says something to me. Hating the prestige and near celebrity status that comes with being white. Hating the label of being unable to do most things as a girl. Lonely. Wanting more work. Wanting to talk about Jesus. Wanting to form deep relationships. Basically just trying to get by. Not minding the bugs always flying around me, not minding the heat that never goes away, not minding when I ride in a car for 4 hours, or when I clean, or when I feel like I  am doing absolutely nothing. Thats mostly what I do. Learn how to not mind. BECAUSE I was promised one thing only: Jesus. That is what God has offered to us, his people. Chirst. His beloved. The most precious thing he could possibly give. And I cannot say that He is not enough for me. Because he is enough. And I cannot even say that He is not enough for the Haitians. Because he is enough. And their lives are so so different then mine. Even here, I am living like royalty compared to virtually EVERYONE. And this will be a hard month for me. And I am already so looking forward to home. Not that I am ready to leave. By any means. I am so so thankful God has allowed me to be a guest here and to learn. Such a gift. Yet, I will leave. And that is not something most everyone here will ever do. The most marvelous parts have been the encouraging emails and the faith of the Haitians. These two things sustain me, push me to experience this journey deeply and not rush along, just staying busy, and have the courage to love Haiti well and hard, knowing the pain that will come with that. These words are not really what I intended to say. It is so much more. But for now and for a first attempt, it is enough.

worship

What is it that you are supposed to do exactly when you're stripped of all your comforts? I thought this is what I wanted. To be left with nothing but Jesus. Now I am not so sure. Brennan Manning said, you don't know what you're in for when you ask Jesus to make you more prayerful, when you want to rely on him alone, when you want to be drawn into him. I trust that he is good. That he knows what he is doing. I know that Do not be afraid is a command, and that I must submit to his lordship in my life. I just thought it would be different then this. It all looks much nicer theologically than the grit of fear and humiliation and heartbreak. When I don't see anything in myself worth loving. He does. It doesn't make any sense to me. I guess obedience becomes real when you really are unprepared and your still going and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I guess obedience becomes real when it hits you that you may never be with anyone but Christ. Its flippant and casual in conversation but looks different when it is unavoidable and inescapable. Why did I ever ask for the pain that will lead me to solidarity with you Jesus? I thought I knew what I was in for. Alan Hirsch said that Jesus never once told his disciples to worship him, he only told them to obey. He said thats because our obedience is our worship. Singing is beautiful, yes. Not to mention a great feeling. But when walls of comfort are torn apart and our hearts are left vulerable and raw and exposed and we look up at him and say I didn't think it would feel like this and I wasn't ready or asking to hurt this bad but I trust you. And I love you. And I still want to be with you. And I still want to obey you. Thats worship.

time to leave

I wish I could say I felt relieved after my last exam, but instead I had this sense of panic...I'm not ready to leave Jesus. I'm not ready to leave this place where I fallen so in love with you where I am growing into who you have made me to be, where I am loving spreading your name and proclaiming who you are. And then I thought of Abraham and God sending him to a land that is not his homeland and a people that is not his people. I know that he is saying to me
]You are ready. I have prepared you. I have poured my love upon you all year, preparing you for time away from the place where you have set deep roots because I have a plan for this summer that you cannot fathom or wrap your mind around. GO he said. Spread to the ends of the earth, proclaiming my name and making disciples, but perhaps far more important is the "Lo," Go, band lo, I will be with you always and forever. I cannot limit Jesus and his presence to Raleigh. This place has deep significance, but it is not Him. Not is NC State, not Neighbor2Neighbor nor Vintage. They are places where God is present, but he is not contained here. He calls us to our homes, our families, the places where we maybe no longer feel at home or no longer feel understood or known, but the places and the people who will see transformation. That is my family. I don't know what it looks like to pursue my family with the passion I pursue everyone else's. It is much harder. But it is not too much for Jesus. Nothing is. And I have no idea how to literally go to another nation and be a part of kingdom advancement. But Jesus does. So I just watch what he is doing and follow. Go along with him. Let him prepare me for himself. He wants to change my heart. Not just my church. Not my city. But me. That is his utmost concern with me. Not what I can do, not my potential, but my heart. He will strip me of all my comforts, even holy comforts, so that I am left with just the grit of the cross, the scandalous glory of the gospel. Its enough. he is preparing me for himself. Why that idea is so precious I know not. But I cling to it now, when I am leaving my realm of comfort and the place where I feel most joyful and alive. Going to a place where my sin becomes more frightening as my patience wanes quickly and my desire to be with my love shifts and pride gets in the way and fear comes creeping. Even then, he is good. He is faithful.

Jesus, make it a summer of reliance on you. A summer of prayer. A summer of transformation. A summer of clinging to you instead of to you in college in Raleigh. Just you. Not you and...anything. But that you already contain all fullness, all glory, all time, all victory. A time where legalism and my desire to prove my love or my worth is not optional. A time where I cannot cling to the work I am doing for you. You are the one who had to the count. The builder who laid out the plans before you began. The king who assessed his men and his abilities before going into battle. You need men who will not depart from you and you need men who are ready for discipline and suffering and preparation. These things are the mark of your love. You spare me not from hardship but promise me it. You learned obedience through your suffering and I am no different.
Give me boldness and gentleness, love. Im such a clinger. Clinging to every gift you have ever offered me, twisting it into an idol that steals me from you instead of pushing me toward you. You are just enough to not let me cling to my sin and to these idols no matter how much it hurts to get them taken away .And I can rest assured that this hurt is not mine to bear alone. That you bore the fullness of it, and you did bear alone, that I may never bear anything alone.

Open hands. My fear cuts deep as I think that you will take from me things I want to hold onto. Lovingly pry open these hands and gently tear down these walls. I know that the hammering and construction involved in turning this heart of stone to a heart of flesh is not a painless process. For me or for you. But it is worthwhile. A heart of flesh seems far more vulnerable, far more risky. But it is the kind of heart that you have. A heart that allows you to be broken by your people's departure from you. A heart that makes you draw us back. You could have had a heart of stone. But you chose not to. It cost you everything. Do the same for me. I trust that you know what you are doing with my life. That if you will it to be useful It will. That if I died this second, you would have done with it all that you wanted to do. That if I live for 70 more years you will do what you intend to. That it is just one little stitching in a kingdom that the gates of hell shall not prevail against.

I love you jesus. Thank you for loving me enough not to be concerned about my comfort, but only my heart. Stay with me, and I will be alright.

Dear Jesus,
You made me to rest and to take time to delight in you and in this time where I need that most I say no thank you. Why am I running away from you love? Why do I mock the idea of rest and do everything but be with you? It is so evident in the state of my heart. Sin is so heavy, Jesus. But you promised that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. I'm so tired of judging people and delighting in their sinfulness. Its sickening. I am not worthy to go to Haiti. I am not worthy to be a disciple. But in my weakness you are made strong. And in my sin the cross matters far more. And in my inability to do anything, I know that I can lean into you and that will do your work in me. Even these words seem all wrong, Jesus. Surface-y and  not conveying your beauty at all. I'm just sad. My heart hurts. I see know reason for you to keep loving me.

yet

the steadfast love of the lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him.

Lamentations 3 22 and 23

And in Lamentations it says "it is good for a man that he bear the yoke of his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when he has laid it on him.

For the Lord will not cast off forever,
but, though he cause grief,
he will have compassion according to
his steadfast love;
for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men.

And these words I cling to as well as the lyrics that rhythmically rest in my soul, reminding me of where my hope comes from

Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward I look and see him there, 
who made an end to all my sin. 
Because the sinless Savior died
my sinful soul is counted free 
For God the just is satisfied 
To look on Him 
and pardon me. 

Jesus

Jesus,
Its so easy for me to make this about facts. Or about actions. Or about every one else. But its about us. Its you wooing me and romancing me when I should disgust you. Its about the parts of my life  don't feel like sharing. About my achy heart. Same old sin, same old stuff. I just want to be free.
You want to free me.
Don't let me intellectualize anything. This is a matter of the heart. This is a matter of what people who know be best think, not those who know me least. Jesus, how do I love girls to you? How do I love college students to you? How do I BE loved by you?
I only want to be the one doing the loving, not the one loved.
Joy is what you have done. I can't say no to you.
You have bought me.
I belong to you.
Who do I love more? You...or me?
Who do I trust more?
What am I afraid of?

When I lead, I ask questions that I don't want to answer.

What is it that I want to see?
Your fame. People FALL IN LOVE with you Jesus.
My heart redeemed. But redemption will not come through numbness. Redemption hurts, the way surgery hurts. The way resetting a broken bone hurts.

I dont even know what you look like.

Why dont we tell people about Jesus?
comes back to the question you asked...
Who do you say that I am?

Is it because we do not believe you love them as much as you do? Is THAT because we don't believe you love us as much as you do?

Is it burning in our souls?

You will leave nothing untouched. Nothing broken. And yet you will break us. That you may build us. That we may be shared.

When I know that brokenness my heart says

Jesus, I thought that you loved me.

Krystal, I love you more than you know. 
You can't adopt the gospel and remain unharmed.
My heart holds the reins. My mind will be made to obey my heart.
Jesus is a heart thing. A mind thing too.
But our hearts are the most precious thing we have.
Our hearts are the stuff of life.
You're gorgeous, Jesus.
You adored the pharisees, even though they broke your heart and killed you. You adored Judas. You loved the rich ruler with the passion and ache you loved Peter and John. You didn't have favorites. Your love cannot be moved. Or swayed by us.
My love is flimsy, it chases the wind, its transient and flighty, easily swayed.
Your love is deep and strong. Its right for me.
This gospel that I am preaching, its changing me.
It comes down to the grimy, raggedy matter of my heart and yours. Mine adulterous. Yours lovely.
Paul was pharisee of pharisees. So am I.
Paul was blessed with an understanding of who you are. Not with the ability to write or speak or plant churches.
A heart in love with Jesus. Who IS a person. A human. Who he is as a human is of utmost importance to us. Because I only know how to fall in love with a person. And you know that. And you came as a person for that very reason.
If Christianity no longer means in love with Christ, my identity is not as a Christian. It is as a Christ lover. A beloved. Our fear,
My greatest fear,
is that you don't love me.

I love you. I love you more than you dared to hope. That fear is a distraction from the true danger. 


Do you love me?


That is what will determine everything. It doesn't matter that you denied ever knowing me, (just as he asked Peter "do you love me?" after he denied him) what you have done, all that you have done has been atoned. Has been paid. Your sin has been taken because if I waited for you to give it to me, I'd never get it. So I took it. But there is still a choice. I will not force you to love me. There is no such thing as forced love. If I chose to make you love me, Adam and Eve would never have left. But I won't. The beauty of love lies in the choice. 
Don't run from the question. 
You have to answer. 
There is no God without Jesus and there is no Jesus without God. Jesus was not created as the object of Christianity. He does not fall under Christianity. If there is no Jesus, then God is not love. I am pottery and HE is the potter. I have NO RIGHT to judge his words or his work or who he is. The scent of the flower cannot deny the flower. I cannot use what he has given me to go against him.

The gospel changes everything. 

Only one thing matters.

I have struggled with the notion that if you don't know Jesus you cant get to heaven. The idea that people that we really love wont be going there. But heaven is the presence of Jesus. So its sort of like being offended when you're not invited to a wedding of someone you never met. In fact, its more like being offended that you are not asked to be the bride of someone you never met. That doesn't make any sense at all. No one would consider God good if he forced people to marry him who don't like him.
I cant even explain how often I get caught up on things other than knowing Christ. There is this interaction that really hit me this morning where this crowd says to Jesus, What must we being doing to do the works of God? He said, "This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent." As in, there are no works. It is not plural. The only thing is believing in the one God sent. Which is why the thief-and lets not romanticize the thief. Crucifixion was not casual. What if the thief had done something really twisted and terrible? What if he killed someones daughter? What if he had killed my daughter? What if he was a rapist? The ambiguity of the thief's crimes remind us that we cannot say, Christ is in love with you and invites you to paradise as his pride except...There is no except. Perhaps even scarier is that along with no "except" is that there is no "unless." You must believe in the one he sent unless you saved a lot of peoples lives. Or pastored a big church. Or raised your kids well. Or tried to be nice to be everyone. Or brought clean water to villages. The work (not works. There is only one work) of God is believing Christ. So it doesn't matter if I drink or not? Nope. It doesn't matter if I am homeless or not? No. It doesn't matter if I go to Haiti? Not a bit. If I lead young life? If I give my heart to middle school girls? No. The only thing that matters is believing me and the one who sent me. Then you will be with me in paradise. Just like the thief who wasted his life. He's already there. He's been there since the day he died. next to our lord. Im basically positive he never converted anyone. Maybe he brought misery to everyone he knew. Maybe if he hadn't been in the scripture, none would have remembered him for anything. He is in the same place that Peter and Paul are. Because none of us do anything. God just uses us. Just like God is using that anonymous thief right now to teach me that his love is like nothing I have ever known.

So, so often, I think, if you would just make my calling clear I would do it. Just tell me how much to give. Tell me who to marry. Give me the formula. Please, God. And he says, Krystal, I already did. You're just rejecting it because you don't like it. But I didn't ask you your opinion. There is only one thing. Believe in the one I sent. His name is Jesus. He was crucified and he conquered death. Because of him you get to be with me forever. Thats it. There is nothing else.

thoughts

Perfect. Sitting in a coffee shop alone on a saturday night with nothing but a latte and a Savior. My friend asked me how do I know when I need to spend time with God? Well, tonight, bitterness was just seeping in me. I was defensive, critical, self castigating and fearful. Thats such a sign that I'm running on empty. That the most important thing, and honestly the only thing to do is be with Jesus. Who knows my heart. Who can make it into His own. Mystery.

Speaking of mystery, in John 5 Jesus says "I can do nothing on my own. Only what I see the Father doing."
Sometimes I don't want to blog about what Jesus says because its so beautiful and weighty in and of it self that I feel like I can do is taint it but I am going to trust that through my love of Jesus's words, God's Spirit can move in peoples hearts. And so I write knowing my words are nothing. Its just letters from keys on a computer. But God makes something out of my nothing. This cuts to the heart because Jesus made no decisions on his own. And healed no one on his own. And depended directly on the father and was only concerned with that. Success loses its glimmer if our only concern is watching what the father is doing and doing that too. That leaves no room for pride or guilt or manipulation or failure. It only leaves room to watch the father. And then it doesn't matter how people respond to our actions and our work because were just doing what the Father is doing. I am so prone to take it personally when "ministry" doesn't work out how I plan or people aren't changing or people aren't praising me.

Jesus says, I have come in my Fathers name and you do not receive me. How can you believe when you receive glory from one another and not the glory that comes from the only God?

I don't receive him either. My prayer life is maybe the clearest indication of my preference "do" pretty much anything before I really spend time in prayer. My attitude towards waiting. My reaction against having even a few months of my life just being with family. My need to go all the time to Neighbor2neighbor and to Hunter Elementary. Stress and anxiety. All of it ties to this strong attachment to glory here. The other day I had this sense of separation with the world. Here but seeing it all from this detached place, where no worldly joy or pain cut very deep. And being detached from people. Which sounds terrible but there is freedom to love anyone and everyone far better when your attached to their response. When I am attached just to Jesus there is the freedom to love harder and with more joy.

The thing about God that just hit me is that God gives me a safe, holy place to come broken and be healed. Safe is the best way to describe it. Because I come and I discover so much crazy stuff in my life and my heart, so many ways I have to grow, so much God wants me to let go of. But when I am with God its okay because I know that he loves me. He really really does love me. So of course its okay that when it says in proverbs Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life, whoever opens wide his lips comes to ruins. I know that I am one so prone to talk and so against listening. To God, friends, kids, professors, family. I am such a great fake listener. And even if I am not talking out loud I have this interior monologue going that I am far more concerned with then really listening.
When I am not with God I seem to be on defense, afraid of being found out, afraid of not measuring up, very concerned with how I am perceived, hating when anyone disagrees with me, looking for confirmation of my value. But with God I am not afraid because he is a safe place where who I am is okay. Right now. Not who I could be but who I am. Is lovely. And somehow that creates space to grow and heal. I hope to be like him in that sense. To be able to self empty to the point that I can invite other human beings into my heart and create a safe place for them to grow and learn and be. A place where there is not criticism and judgement, but just Jesus. If this place has begun or soon begins to form within me, it will be His not mine. And any person will be drawn to Him, not me. That is my desire for life. And that will mean adopting a life that is not fast paced. Because if I am constantly overbooked, I will not be able to give people time, let alone space to heal. And if I am not constantly taking time to empty myself, there will be no room for the Spirit to move, let alone anyone else to come in. But why be busy? Where is this compulsion to run from the One who loves me coming from?