Jesus

Jesus,
Its so easy for me to make this about facts. Or about actions. Or about every one else. But its about us. Its you wooing me and romancing me when I should disgust you. Its about the parts of my life  don't feel like sharing. About my achy heart. Same old sin, same old stuff. I just want to be free.
You want to free me.
Don't let me intellectualize anything. This is a matter of the heart. This is a matter of what people who know be best think, not those who know me least. Jesus, how do I love girls to you? How do I love college students to you? How do I BE loved by you?
I only want to be the one doing the loving, not the one loved.
Joy is what you have done. I can't say no to you.
You have bought me.
I belong to you.
Who do I love more? You...or me?
Who do I trust more?
What am I afraid of?

When I lead, I ask questions that I don't want to answer.

What is it that I want to see?
Your fame. People FALL IN LOVE with you Jesus.
My heart redeemed. But redemption will not come through numbness. Redemption hurts, the way surgery hurts. The way resetting a broken bone hurts.

I dont even know what you look like.

Why dont we tell people about Jesus?
comes back to the question you asked...
Who do you say that I am?

Is it because we do not believe you love them as much as you do? Is THAT because we don't believe you love us as much as you do?

Is it burning in our souls?

You will leave nothing untouched. Nothing broken. And yet you will break us. That you may build us. That we may be shared.

When I know that brokenness my heart says

Jesus, I thought that you loved me.

Krystal, I love you more than you know. 
You can't adopt the gospel and remain unharmed.
My heart holds the reins. My mind will be made to obey my heart.
Jesus is a heart thing. A mind thing too.
But our hearts are the most precious thing we have.
Our hearts are the stuff of life.
You're gorgeous, Jesus.
You adored the pharisees, even though they broke your heart and killed you. You adored Judas. You loved the rich ruler with the passion and ache you loved Peter and John. You didn't have favorites. Your love cannot be moved. Or swayed by us.
My love is flimsy, it chases the wind, its transient and flighty, easily swayed.
Your love is deep and strong. Its right for me.
This gospel that I am preaching, its changing me.
It comes down to the grimy, raggedy matter of my heart and yours. Mine adulterous. Yours lovely.
Paul was pharisee of pharisees. So am I.
Paul was blessed with an understanding of who you are. Not with the ability to write or speak or plant churches.
A heart in love with Jesus. Who IS a person. A human. Who he is as a human is of utmost importance to us. Because I only know how to fall in love with a person. And you know that. And you came as a person for that very reason.
If Christianity no longer means in love with Christ, my identity is not as a Christian. It is as a Christ lover. A beloved. Our fear,
My greatest fear,
is that you don't love me.

I love you. I love you more than you dared to hope. That fear is a distraction from the true danger. 


Do you love me?


That is what will determine everything. It doesn't matter that you denied ever knowing me, (just as he asked Peter "do you love me?" after he denied him) what you have done, all that you have done has been atoned. Has been paid. Your sin has been taken because if I waited for you to give it to me, I'd never get it. So I took it. But there is still a choice. I will not force you to love me. There is no such thing as forced love. If I chose to make you love me, Adam and Eve would never have left. But I won't. The beauty of love lies in the choice. 
Don't run from the question. 
You have to answer. 
There is no God without Jesus and there is no Jesus without God. Jesus was not created as the object of Christianity. He does not fall under Christianity. If there is no Jesus, then God is not love. I am pottery and HE is the potter. I have NO RIGHT to judge his words or his work or who he is. The scent of the flower cannot deny the flower. I cannot use what he has given me to go against him.

The gospel changes everything.