worship

What is it that you are supposed to do exactly when you're stripped of all your comforts? I thought this is what I wanted. To be left with nothing but Jesus. Now I am not so sure. Brennan Manning said, you don't know what you're in for when you ask Jesus to make you more prayerful, when you want to rely on him alone, when you want to be drawn into him. I trust that he is good. That he knows what he is doing. I know that Do not be afraid is a command, and that I must submit to his lordship in my life. I just thought it would be different then this. It all looks much nicer theologically than the grit of fear and humiliation and heartbreak. When I don't see anything in myself worth loving. He does. It doesn't make any sense to me. I guess obedience becomes real when you really are unprepared and your still going and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I guess obedience becomes real when it hits you that you may never be with anyone but Christ. Its flippant and casual in conversation but looks different when it is unavoidable and inescapable. Why did I ever ask for the pain that will lead me to solidarity with you Jesus? I thought I knew what I was in for. Alan Hirsch said that Jesus never once told his disciples to worship him, he only told them to obey. He said thats because our obedience is our worship. Singing is beautiful, yes. Not to mention a great feeling. But when walls of comfort are torn apart and our hearts are left vulerable and raw and exposed and we look up at him and say I didn't think it would feel like this and I wasn't ready or asking to hurt this bad but I trust you. And I love you. And I still want to be with you. And I still want to obey you. Thats worship.