God,

I want to write but I dont know what to say or how to say it. I know that you are good. I know that while I am here you are teaching me that you alone are my righteousness. That when I am sitting doing nothing in Haiti, hot, unproductive, feeling useless, feeling insignificant, that you will never love me more than you do in those moments. Because your love for me is constant. It does not depend on what I do. I've probably been able to say that to you for years, but I have not learned it. Because I sink into deep sadness when I have nothing to do. Sometimes I feel physically sick because I do not want to do nothing for another second. I always want to be busy, involved in ten million things, in a ministry where I can see the results and see people growing and here I am not. And it is such a communal life. So if the group is tired, its time to rest. I cant go haul rocks around alone because of a need to feel productive. And if I want solitude in the morning, it doesnt really matter because there is always someone somewhere and they usually want to talk. And I jsut have to be okay with that. Im learning that you have rhythm designed for the day just as you have a rhythm for the trees and oceans and seasons. And that day starts with you and it ends with you , but there is also work. You made me to work. So my urge to work is good. Work and prayer are always together, If prayer and time with you is not part of my day, my work will be filled with angst or laziness or temptation, but if  I were to spend all day in prayer, prayer would become meaningless, not at all a gift and I would not be doing the work with my hands and my mind that you call me too. Youre stripping me of so many comforts at once lord. And I know that you are saying to me, "I'm going to leave with you with nothing but myself. If I let you have a summer filled with productive, fruitful ministry, you would not need me. But when you cannot rest in the work you are doing for my kingdom, you have nothing but me. You cannot forget that I am the one who brought you out of Egypt, that it is my son by whom you are saved. Not my son and.. there is no and. I love the work that you do, but it doesnt matter. I love it because Christ is in you and you are in him. Not because it is good in itself. Nothing is good that is not in Christ."
The kids who I am with love me better than I love them. They smile and come running at me and play with my hair and give me hugs and kisses and teach me creole. They love me. I did nothing to deserve their love.
In some ways they grasp God and his love so much more than I do. They dont care that I am broken and that I am only staying for a few weeks or that I am moody or selfish. They just adore me, from the first time they see me. how do they love like that? And all the mission groups and volunteers here, myself included, arent anything like that. We dont offer hardly any love to anyone. We all do are own thing. were easily irritated by people who snore or hog the shower. Were judgemental. I dont know whats going on. All I know is that the 2nd graders know how to love. They love recklessly and their joy abounds. You leave them feeling beloved to God. They do not obsess over what they are doing and that they are not doing enough the way I do. They just live.
God I'm beginning to understand the passivity you require of your followers. That they do not make their own plans but wait for you to reveal what you want of them. That you when you come to live in our souls, we must surrender everything to you. We can nothing of ourselves left. Your followers have ONE single duty "to keep ones gaze fixed on the master one has chosen and be constantly listening to hear, understand, and obey his will. That you block every other avenue that we walk to you alone. We have to be prepared to do anything or nothing. I am prepared to do anything but nothing. And it is the willingness to do nothing that you require of me. Because no matter what I do, its never enough for me. I have a beautiful morning playing with kids and doing physical labor, but if the whole afternoon is for resting in you, I am so upset. I can spend time with you but there is a limit. The rest of the time I want to be ministry. And you say to me, "Little one, productivity, is becoming your golden calf. Your desire for me depends on how useful you think you are to the kingdom. You pour grace on ecery human you encounter but have none for yourself."

Today I wrote to him, God I want to be in control.

I imagine his response..."I know you do. But I am your satisfaction. You can be really busy and really successful, even in ministry, but you cannot do so and follow me. I want all of you"