I surrender my heart to Yours.

At peace. Because I have discovered the strategy of writing after everyone has gone too bed, so I don't have to rush out of fear of missing something or hogging the only computer. Really though, I am at peace because I took time to be with God. Really for the first time since I have been here to sit down with him, just us, without a time constraint or agenda, but just to keep company with Him. Why I put so many things before him I don't know. It must have something to do with an obsession with not missing out on anything or usefulness. But whenever I do I find what I didn't know I had lost-peace, contentedness, satisfaction, love for people, genuine appreciation of who they are.
I have stumbled upon exactly the right book to be reading during my time in Haiti, which is the Genessee Diary by Henri Nouwen, his journal from the 7 months he spent in a Trappist monastery. It reveals to me so much about my heart here in Haiti as I read and recognize his struggles as my own. He talks often about his need to be appreciated and needed and given attention and affirmation. It has helped me to see that although it is through obedience that I came to Haiti, it is not a selfless trip by any means. I cannot pretend that I do not enjoy the attention and appreciation from both Haitians and people in the States. I cannot act as if the Glory of God is my only concern when I recieve so much glory for going on this trip. This does not mean that I should not have gone, but rather it is something to recognize in the arms of the one who calls me to Himself by name. I have to see this thirst I have to do godly things that other people find impressive because if that is what I am seeking, I am not seeking God. I have to ask myself how happy I would be if not involved in any sort of ministry or if no one knew or cared what I was doing. Not because I need to dwell endlessly on unreal situations or become self condemning but because ministry and mission work are just as threatening an idol as money or sex or golden calves, if not moreso because of how esteemed it is by everyone else.
Henri Nouwen talks a lot about how his need to be original and different is keeping him from being formed to christ. That you have to recognize that anything worth saying has been said in the word of God and his saints so you cannot be originial. Which is especially important as I write, that I discard the goal of being a good writer or writing things people find interesting, impressive or insightful.
He talks also about searching for God for "the glory that can be derived from smart manipulation of godly ideas," and that the only way to really run after and fight for God's glory not our own is to recognize the fact that we ARE the glory of God. We are the place he has chosen to dwell.
I went to work at the constuction site today again, and learned a lot about myself. We put mortar in an arch, my first attempt at masonry, and it was suprising to see how frustrated I was with my inability to immediately master the skill. Then I went to shovel in the hole we are digging for the school, because I thought shoveling was my favorite work because it is most exerting. We were shoveling mud though, and it was absolutely disgusting. But it gave me a much deeper appreciation for the men who had been shoveling all day, all week. Because as soon I started, I didn't want to do it anymore. For a few minutes, it seemed a bit more like experiencing life with them, not just being a visitor. Its also tough to know how to respond when kids constantly ask you for stuff. I know the theories about poverty and how the poor see white people as infinitely rich and interested only in handing out lots of free things from some of their abundant wealth and heading out. So in that light, its much better to say no. But that sucks when they ask you for band aids. Or food. Or water. But I trust that God is working, just like he is doing a work in me now, especially today.
And I am learning the rhythms for work and rest, as we work hard during the day with physical labor but then from 5 on we just eat, have fellowship and rest. There is a lot more rest integrated into my life here. Mostly not by choice but I am very thankful for it. It reminds me not to put so much weight in what I am accomplishing.

Something beautiful I opened up to this evening:

He will swallow up death forever and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces and the reproach of his people he will take away from all the earth for the Lord has spoken. It will be said on that day, Behold this is our God; we have waited for him that he might save us.

Isaiah 25:8-9

God, we surrender our hearts to yours.