thoughts

Perfect. Sitting in a coffee shop alone on a saturday night with nothing but a latte and a Savior. My friend asked me how do I know when I need to spend time with God? Well, tonight, bitterness was just seeping in me. I was defensive, critical, self castigating and fearful. Thats such a sign that I'm running on empty. That the most important thing, and honestly the only thing to do is be with Jesus. Who knows my heart. Who can make it into His own. Mystery.

Speaking of mystery, in John 5 Jesus says "I can do nothing on my own. Only what I see the Father doing."
Sometimes I don't want to blog about what Jesus says because its so beautiful and weighty in and of it self that I feel like I can do is taint it but I am going to trust that through my love of Jesus's words, God's Spirit can move in peoples hearts. And so I write knowing my words are nothing. Its just letters from keys on a computer. But God makes something out of my nothing. This cuts to the heart because Jesus made no decisions on his own. And healed no one on his own. And depended directly on the father and was only concerned with that. Success loses its glimmer if our only concern is watching what the father is doing and doing that too. That leaves no room for pride or guilt or manipulation or failure. It only leaves room to watch the father. And then it doesn't matter how people respond to our actions and our work because were just doing what the Father is doing. I am so prone to take it personally when "ministry" doesn't work out how I plan or people aren't changing or people aren't praising me.

Jesus says, I have come in my Fathers name and you do not receive me. How can you believe when you receive glory from one another and not the glory that comes from the only God?

I don't receive him either. My prayer life is maybe the clearest indication of my preference "do" pretty much anything before I really spend time in prayer. My attitude towards waiting. My reaction against having even a few months of my life just being with family. My need to go all the time to Neighbor2neighbor and to Hunter Elementary. Stress and anxiety. All of it ties to this strong attachment to glory here. The other day I had this sense of separation with the world. Here but seeing it all from this detached place, where no worldly joy or pain cut very deep. And being detached from people. Which sounds terrible but there is freedom to love anyone and everyone far better when your attached to their response. When I am attached just to Jesus there is the freedom to love harder and with more joy.

The thing about God that just hit me is that God gives me a safe, holy place to come broken and be healed. Safe is the best way to describe it. Because I come and I discover so much crazy stuff in my life and my heart, so many ways I have to grow, so much God wants me to let go of. But when I am with God its okay because I know that he loves me. He really really does love me. So of course its okay that when it says in proverbs Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life, whoever opens wide his lips comes to ruins. I know that I am one so prone to talk and so against listening. To God, friends, kids, professors, family. I am such a great fake listener. And even if I am not talking out loud I have this interior monologue going that I am far more concerned with then really listening.
When I am not with God I seem to be on defense, afraid of being found out, afraid of not measuring up, very concerned with how I am perceived, hating when anyone disagrees with me, looking for confirmation of my value. But with God I am not afraid because he is a safe place where who I am is okay. Right now. Not who I could be but who I am. Is lovely. And somehow that creates space to grow and heal. I hope to be like him in that sense. To be able to self empty to the point that I can invite other human beings into my heart and create a safe place for them to grow and learn and be. A place where there is not criticism and judgement, but just Jesus. If this place has begun or soon begins to form within me, it will be His not mine. And any person will be drawn to Him, not me. That is my desire for life. And that will mean adopting a life that is not fast paced. Because if I am constantly overbooked, I will not be able to give people time, let alone space to heal. And if I am not constantly taking time to empty myself, there will be no room for the Spirit to move, let alone anyone else to come in. But why be busy? Where is this compulsion to run from the One who loves me coming from?