from rags to righteousness

I cant help but smile as I think of my heart. What pulls me from you lord? Other desires of my heart that I think you can’t fulfill. I get angry because I think I am withheld of something good by being with you. Never true. What have I to say to this owner, this maker, builder, stitcher, artist of my heart? Nothing. You look at me and love me. You have promised your love. I immediately want to move focus when I am with you. Say, lets talk about how I’m supposed to be loving freshman girls and I’m not. Or how urban ministry isn’t going how I expected. And I have my list of all the people I am supposed to be praying for. And Im angry about the music in this coffee shop. And I don’t want to listen to you but I’m mad because I can’t hear you. And slowly, ever so slowly, I see the defrost begin to take place. Why lord do I think people have something to offer me that you cannot? Lord, why so resistant to you? To the word.

I need to feel you today. And if I do not, you are still sovereign. You are still God. I am broken. You are sovereign. I have come to hide in the shadow of your wings. 

 “You’re not doing life with and loving your neighbors because you’re bent on the success of this world.” Pastor Tyler said this week. I come to you and I’m like, look at me. I am a disaster. I am messy and against you and for you and not sure and a faker and you love me. You love. I run from your word and you stitch it into my soul. I don’t always trust you. I cant think of anything worth saying to you. 

Peter says in Acts 2 “This Jesus, God raised up. He has poured out this that you all are seeing and hearing. God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified.”

 That face alone I live for. That is the truest thing I know. How do I know? I don’t and I do. I cannot prove it to you, dear reader. I have no reason to know that what he is saying is right. Nothing to base it on. But I cannot let go. There is something in me that is deeper than my rationality and my logic and it is this secret thing hidden in the depths that says that he is true and that he is for us. I don’t know what it is. I’m sorry. I cannot give you more than what I have but I promise that he, this jesus, God raised up. God has made him lord. And he has poured his spirit on me. When I didn’t even want it. I was looking for something else. But in his infinite sweetness he gave me Christ. What I didn’t know how to ask for. Who I didn’t know I was looking for.

This is what peter said in his sermon at Pentecost. And what I say now.

I wonder, as a side note, if I could write about anything other than jesus. Proclaim anything else. I don’t think I can. I guess just because I’ve sat to write hundreds of times and the same words always seem to appear. That say Jesus is Lord. He is my love. That is all my soul wants to proclaim. I come angry, I come unsure, I come without any desire to spend time with him and then I sit and I begin to type or scribble and the same thing comes out. I find that one thing alone is written on the page. Which is this gospel. And I wonder if my life could ever be about anything else. Sometimes I think it could but that always seems to be an illusion when I am given this white screen to fill with letters. Just the fact that I could start to throw words onto this page the way Pollack threw paint onto a canvas and end out with this projection of my soul and the projection always says Jesus. I come wrestling and tired and so angry and distrustful. Again and again. To this page. The same page every time. And I start. And the torrent of words comes. It’s a lack of control when it comes to the page. I let go and let my hands do what my mind and my mouth cannot. There is this beautiful song by Aaron Keyes that says:

“these guilty hands are raised, filthy rags are all I bring but I have come to hide beneath your wings. These holy hands are raised, washed in the fountain of your grace and now I wear your righteousness.

We are broken but we are yours.“

Perhaps that’s why I write: to be redeemed over and over again. To come with guilty hands to you and you turn them into holy hands that proclaim the gospel. They do it regardless of all that I came with. And I think that is why there is so much fear in writing because I am so scared that one day I will be left with some other message. Something other than the gospel. But there is no need to be afraid. Nothing I write determines or shakes God’s goodness. And the fact that it can sing to that untouchable, unchangeable, never ending goodness is His miracle.

And Peter spoke these words. "God has made him both Lord and Christ, this Jesus whom you crucified." They heard, they were cut to the heart and said to peter, what shall we do? And peter tells them,

 “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord calls to Himself. “

That’s all peter does. And then they receive his word. It is what God has to say. And people have to receive. And everyone gets to choose whether or not they receive it. Everyone is given a choice. To take or to leave it. Kind of like when a man proposes. He says, I’m offering you all of me forever. What do you think? Could you trust me? Could you give me all of you? You can no longer doubt my desire for you. What I would give for you. How long I want you for. Forever. All of you. I want all of you and I’m offering you all of me. 

I think that is what Jesus is. God’s proposal to humanity. 

God, why are you so good to me?

How is it that you know my heart so well and know exactly who to use and how to use them to tell me who I am? Lord, I am at a place where I just want to spend time with you. More than I want to do anything else. There something in me that says not too, not to spend too much time with you, to be doing other things, that I shouldn’t have this much time to spend with you but your all I want to do for the rest of my life. I don’t want anything else anymore. So I can’t have too much time with you. It’s this word of yours. I read a chapter and am overwhelmed by the depth and the breadth of it. I can’t get a grasp on this word they can on anything else. So to read it for a just a few minutes…I don’t know how to do that. I don’t think that I am supposed. God, keep telling me that I can spend as much time with you as possible.

As Brother Lawrence said, God has infinite treasures to give us. Yet a little tangible devotion, which passes away in a moment, satisfies us. How blind we are, since in this way we tie Gods hands, and we stop the abundance of His grace! But when He finds a soul penetrated with living faith, He pours out grace on it in abundance. Gods grace is like a torrent. When it is stopped from taking its ordinary course it looks for another outlet, and when it finds one, it spreads out with impetuosity and abundance.

I think its because God you made my heart for yourself. So as I just barely begin this process of letting it be satisfied in you, I can’t get enough. I wonder, or am perhaps sure, that we should never get enough of you. And I keep trying to label this purpose and meaning onto this season of life, saying, well I am being prepared now for work later or soon I’m not going to have time to spend with God so I am storing up or maybe soon I wont have as much desire to be with God, or life just won’t allow this time together, but for now it does. Please, God, only you can grant me the courage and the peace to stop fighting it. To stop fighting the purest desire I’ve maybe ever had. As Henri Nouwen said, we desperately need men and women who know the heart of God. “A heart that forgives, cares, reaches out, and wants to heal.” And I will never know your heart at all through a study of theology. I will only come to know it this way. These days I sit at home with the Word and a cup of coffee and wait on you and let you come in and be together. The strange thing about your heart Lord is that the less I spend time with you, the less I have desire to spend time with you, the less I get out of our time, the less I want to stay with you. The reverse is true. If I spend an hour with you, I’d like another hour. And if I have another hour, I just want to stay the whole day.

Lord, forgive me if I am hiding from the world with you and you want me to be out more. Forgive me lord, if I am trying to pour into to few or too many people. Forgive me for begging for a mission and a ministry and a purpose when all that has already been given to me, and my mission is to know Christ and him crucified and carry that to the ends of the earth. I do need you. All the time. Desperately. I can’t deny my need for you.

What is this thing that we Christians do? As we strive to figure out who you are and who we are and what you want us to do? Bless our striving dear lord? Make this utterly human thing holy, they way only you can?

God, I think maybe part of this fear is that the things that we love in this life are from you and are ways you want to work though us, but they threaten to consume us and take your place. Like with writing and me. It a source of deep joy and deep anguish already, and I barely write at all in terms of the realm of writers. And whenever anyone says, yes you have a gift; it is rush of relief and joy. Because I have a lot of fear towards the things and the ones I love the most. And I know that it is because when you choose to love, you inevitable choose to eventually grieve. So my rational mind says, don’t love. Run away from your loves and your gifts all that you hold dear because one, you might love them more than God and two you might lose them. And that is a very dangerous thing. But I don’t have to believe that because loss is really about death. And Christ has already conquered death. And I will not lose him. And that leads to some sort of freedom and stability that the thing that my heart belongs to cannot be taken from me. So I am free to write and free to love and free to sit here and not do work because I would much rather dance with you. And I can write and be okay with the fact that I might be good at it and be okay with the fact that I might not. Because it belongs to you. We offer little things of ours to you and you use them in huge ways. 

to the friends I met last night, thank you.

The homeless. Why do I like being with the homeless so much? Because they have a lot to teach me. And because they bring me joy. I think that needs to be really clear. Nothing about my motivation to be with the homeless is selfless. I benefit immensely from it. And ultimately I go because I love spending time with them. I love hearing about their lives and their thoughts. I like their eyes. I like that they want to me know. They want to know why I’m there. And they accept it, even though it doesn’t make sense. I like the moment when I start to earn their trust and the conversation becomes more real and less guarded. I like to ask them about how many kids they have and what their names are and what they are like. And to say to them with my eyes,

I’ll be your daughter for tonight. The daughter that doesn’t want to talk to you because you’re a bum or you can’t stop drinking or you don’t have it together and you’re not impressive. For tonight, we can lay that aside and be friends. I’ll listen. Because I know there is something that only you can teach me. Because you are in fact worthwhile and intelligent and have learned a whole lot in life.

You’re teaching me how to be raw and vulnerable. How to have joy. How to live community. How to be generous. If only you knew. I should be paying you for all that I am gaining from this interaction.

Thanks for being interested in me. For asking about school and what I’m studying just like dads are supposed to. You haven’t forgotten. You’re just as human as I am you know. Perhaps more human.

I don’t know why I keep coming out here. I just know that it makes my life better. You are making my life better. I hope that I am making yours better, but honestly I have no idea. I do know that we are equals though. I know that last night, I gave none of you anything and you gave me an apple someone passed you from out of their car window while you stood on the highway with a sign. I know that you sleep in a tent because you love to be outside. And yes, I get that I am impressionable and idealistic and maybe you’re sleeping outside because you don’t have a job but what you said, that when you spend 22 years in prison, you love to be outside, made sense to me. I like camping too.

I hope I see you again and you remember me. I doubt its possible for you to see as much Jesus in me as I see in you, but I hope you see some. At least that he is crazy about you. 

Isaiah 43

Really raining, as I sit in Cup a Joe, and I realize that I have no umbrella, no jacket, my bike, a campus tour to give, my laptop, my backpack, and no phone to call someone for some sort of help. But it doesn't matter, really. Because I also have Isaiah 43. the greatness of which outweighs the little struggles.

I have called you by name, you are mine. 

Perhaps this is Gods way of giving me to give him more of my time. Hes like, here let me take that phone. Look at the rain pour down. There's nowhere you can go. You're just here with me. Hows that? don't you love it?

When you pass through the waters I will be with you


The literal waters. The pouring rain outside. The not real waters. The lonlieness. The stomach aches. The stress. The sense of not knowing. who I am, what I am doing, who to be with, when to be alone, where to go.

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you


What if I think you're wrong God? What if I think I am indeed overwhelmed by these rivers? What if I am overwhelmed by myself? What about my friends downtown who are outside right now, my friends in Haiti who live in this mud, for whom the rain comes every night and seeps into their beds and their homes and they are all covered and mud and here I am in a coffeeshop writing on my laptop about being overwhelmed by the rivers when I know nothing of being overwhelmed by the rivers. And YET you meet us where we are. Our struggle becomes yours. You never are scornful towards where we are in our journey, whether good or bad.

When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned


and the flame shall not consume you.


Are you telling me that I am safe no matter what with you? that no matter where I am, how I am, what I am doing I will not be burned or consumed. That I really am yours? that you really have called me? Can I believe that? Can I rejoice in it? Can I trust you're using me when I don't see it?

For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. 


That is exactly who you are. I cry out or laugh with joy and either way, at the heights and in the depths, there is something solid to cling to, some truth that cannot be shaken, no matter whether I or the world affirms or denies it. That YOU are the Lord MY God. My savior. You said it. And everything you say is true. You said let there be light, and there was light. You stretched out the land and the seas, brought forth water from the rock, poured your spirit out and said that you are my Savior. You said it, so its true.

I give Egypt as your ransom. Cush and Seba in exchange for you. 


I must know what it is you say about me. Who it is that you say I am. And this is what you say, I give countries for your ransom. You have no idea of your worth to me. What I give in exchange for your soul. Why? Why, for me of all people? this deeply, terribly broken people we are? The depth of our own depravity horrifies even us..and yet you say...

Because you are precious in my eyes. And honored. And I love you. 


That needs no comment from me. when I read that I can only look at those words and my heart is quieted. Its feistiness and frustration and questioning and intellectualizing and hiding and all of that begins to quiet and let those words sink deep. As with Eve, I question your love. That you are really for me. That I am really precious in your eyes. Doubting that there is any way that can be true. Not because of you but because of me. And you say, there is no "unless" after I love you. You must not underestimate my love. It goes further than your brokenness and sinfulness and rejection of me could go.

Fear not, for I am with you.


Fear. Also one of the first things we see in the garden. They hid from you and they were afraid. And this thing, fear, has been with us ever since. I can feel it, settled in my stomach, I can feel it when I talk to people and interact with them, I can feel it often. The fear that says, what if I have gotten to far? What if I fail? what if I am not who you told me I am?

And you say

I will bring your offspring from the east and from the west I will gather you.
I will say to the north, give up, and to the south Do not withhold, bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the ends of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.


Thats you. When I say "my daughter" you are the one I am talking about. When I say the one who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made-I am talking about you. You cannot deny this. Its is written, and you can't change these words. I have spoken them about you and whether or not they feel true or are believable, they are. And nothing can change them. They will be true forever. Nothing you can do can make them not true. There is no failure, no atrocity, and no accomplishment or glory or life mission or action or lifestyle or job that will make them any more or less true. They are as true as they will ever be right now, which is more real and more solid and more dependable than anything else in your entire world. More then people, more then mountains and oceans, more then your own heart and mind and thoughts and life. 


And later on you say

You are my witnesses, declares the Lord, and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord and beside me there is no Savior. 


As I read Isaiah 43, I realize again that God is worth staking your life on. Worth living for. Because he is God and he is for us. And he has already made us his own. Literally every line in this chapter in Isaiah is unspeakably crucial because he is promising the thing that we are searching for, the things books and movies and songs are about, the thing we seek at the depth of our heart. I cannot thing of anything that holds the hope this does. The fulfillment.

This is it.

Tell me I'm wrong, if you have found full life elsewhere. Tell me where your satisfaction, your meaning, your truth lies. I think about it a lot, for some reason. Meaning of life stuff. Some are happy going along with day to day things, but I haven't been for a long time. I want to know whats worthwhile. I want to know whats at the heart of this human existence. I want to know what people long for and where that longing is quenched. So far, Isaiah 43 offers something far more beautiful than anything I've encountered here. any other god I've bowed down to, and there have been many. This is the one for me. This God of Abraham, Issac and jacob. Who says the things I am afraid to even hope could possibly be true. This God who bought me at the cost of his Son. And made me his daughter. Who will not leave me as an orphan but is coming and is here. And will take me to Himself, forever. No matter what else, He is true. what he says is true. And he says I am the Lord, your Holy One, the Creator of Israel, your King. 

And I look at him and again and again I run away and then come back and say, I'll take it. I'll take you. Will you take me? And he says, every time,

I already have. 

sermon at vintage today

Just got home from church. This is always a rough moment in the week. After church. Because I look forward to it all week and then it ends, and you wish it wouldn’t end. Because you get to taste the beauty of the lord with believers and youre moved by his word and by the message preached, by songs sung and the breaking of bread and you go home and you feel like you’ve lost something. And you immediately cant remember what was so special to you about the message. And you think, back to real life. But that is not the case. The church is not a building or a service at 9:30, it is a people living with God. And that is not any less real at home on my computer than it is at 117 West Street, where Vintage 21 is. So before I continue with my day, it is time to sit and reflect and dwell a little more on the goodness of the lord before I go out and love my friends at NC State and my friends in south Raleigh. And this morning was a hard, beautiful truth about waiting. Waiting on the lord. Waiting for my heart to be pierced. Waiting to mature in prayer, memorizing the scripture, clinging to truth, gathering with unbelievers. Now, if you don’t know me, or if you do, it may be hard to grasp the depth of my desire to see creation restored and to see inner city transformation occur. And to see the breaking of hundreds of years of oppression and exploitation and hatred melt in the glorious light of Christ and his fierce gorgeous love for his poor. And every day I wake up wanting to be doing more to see Jesus being shone in the inner city, in the places where the poorest of the poor dwell, in places of darkness and despair. That is what I want to do, and it is all I want to do. See Jesus restore and redeem. Raleigh. Haiti. Chesapeake. Creation is groaning.  So, this message of wait does not bode well with me. Of the deep desires of my heart, waiting on the lord is not one of them. I wrote down during the sermon I don’t want to wait God. Please, I’m ready. But even as I say this-I see the folly. Ready? Prepared? As if that is up to me to decide. And Tyler said, listen, social justice is not the heart of our church. Nor is growth. The heart of our church is our King, and his name is Jesus. And this is a kingdom, not a democracy. And we are so conditioned to and in love with democracy that we are trying to make the church a democracy. A kingdom represents the heart of its king. Its king alone. I must must must learn to trust God when he looks at me and says I am going to use you, the Spirit will use you, to do things you never imagined.   And I think so often, this is hopeless. Restoration is not coming to my city. Girls aren’t seeing that Jesus loves them and will fulfill them in a way nothing else every will. Social work is more broken than I ever dreamed. Families are in pain. They are broken. Vintage isn’t perfect. People are still selfish. Our service is still shallow. We don’t love the poor enough to give our lives. My OWN heart is in far worse a state than I ever dreamed. And this is what Tyler said. I am not deceived or disillusioned about the brokenness in people, in the world, in my own heart. I don’t think some utopia is possible.

BUT I do believe that he who is with us is GREATER THAN he who is in the world.

What words did our king say before he left But take heart, I have overcome in the world. What words did he say on the cross?

It is finished.

And what did he tell his disciples, I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you.  Because I live you also will live.

And what that means that as long as Jesus is alive we have something to hope in. And Jesus is alive. Jesus put death in its grave. And he alone is the source of our hope. Which means, I put no ultimate hope in myself. In other people. All my hope is in Him. So this king, he has ways and he has desires. And our ONLY job is to prepare an environment for Jesus to come and move. And he said, think about what the disciples were told to do. “Guys, go to an upper room and set the table.” And from that came the Last Supper. Came the washing of feet. Came This is my body broken for you. This is my blood shed for you. He said, “I need you to go get me a donkey.” So they went and brought Jesus a donkey. And from that he rode into Jerusalem. And from that ride came his accusation, his trial, his crucifixion, his resurrection. So our job is table setting and donkey fetching, so to speak. BUT really our job is being a part of the restoration of creation to its creator. A part of redemption. We do nothing. He does it all. He has already done all that is necessary for transformation. And will do all that is necessary in hearts. So we simply respond to the greatness of Jesus. How can we respond?

continuation from last post

Indeed, I count everything a loss for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus our lord. Everything a loss.

I don’t think that Paul means that nothing is worth as much as knowing Christ Jesus. I think that he is saying that everything else will count as loss towards knowing Christ Jesus. Which makes sense. The more segregated my interests and loyalties, the less Jesus has them. So, it makes sense. Jesus is God and God says clearly that he is a jealous God. That he does not want a part of me. Even the biggest part. Or the best part. He’s humbly asked for all of me. And offered me all of Jesus.

And now, the next verse seems to confirm my suspicion. For his sake, I have suffered the loss of all things because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. But he has not lost hedonistic things. He has lost religious things. He lost his religious standing and reputation. Is it humiliating to say that I have time to spend hours with jesus. To do so little that it is possible? Yes. That would be embarrassing. I want a mission that I can say this is who I am and this is what I do. Paul says, I had that. I had an identity being an excellent jew, and I count that as rubbish. For the sake of knowing Christ. When you seek Christ you gain Christ and you let go of everything you used to hold onto. What do I hold onto? Thinness. YL. Vintage. Bible study leader. Social work major. Smart. Haiti. South Raleigh. Hunter. Park. Caldwell. Being someone important. I really like being important. Paul was important before Christ wrecked his life. Then he was a prisoner. Beaten. A letter writer. He wanted to be jewish. Then he wanted to bring jews to Christ Then he accepted he would bring Gentiles to Christ. But at this point, he has lost even that. Like he says in ch 2, what happened to me is advancing the gospel. Really. He says, I finally take my identity as the one who preaches to the gentiles, and even that is taken from me. In a jail cell, I’m left with none but Christ. And so I have found every other way blocked to me. And I am left with one thing. Knowing Jesus. He says Jesus, if I am found in you, forget ministry. Forget it all jesus. Forget good grades. Hard classes. Sweet degree. Being liked. Being needed. Discipling. Just Jesus is left.

And the past two days, I just keep doing dumb stuff. Indecisive. Not meeting with people. Not that much class. I think you know God, that a beautiful successful ministry would become an idol. As would a challenging degree. This whole social work thing, its humbling. Its very humbling. All that I have, was given to me by you. Every gift. Every lovely thing about me, was yours first. All yours.

Im like, I cant spend all this time at a coffeeshop. That just cannot happen.

Its interesting how much I can love the word humility and hate the word humiliation. As if they are starkly different. As if I think humility can come from doing really well at everything. Someone could look at all this, and say, Krystal, you are crazy. I can’t believe you of all people, would have this constant identity crisis, this thirst for worth, and act as if you do nothing when you do so much. But I just think, tell it to my soul. Tell it to me late at night, when I’m not busy and I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep and I am lonely. Or I don’t like myself. What about when nothing in my soul is at all appealing to me? And what if this work that I am doing doesn’t really make me happy because it does not. I’m telling you it doesn’t make me happy. Also, can I just say that majoring in Social Work does not make me happy? It is not a satisfying, fulfilling major. And you may think, maybe you need to switch. Be an English major, that’s what you love. But even literature, which I do love, writing which I truly love, provides no deep satisfaction. Shallow satisfaction yes. Temporary satisfaction-certainly. But deep satisfaction, no. It doesn’t go deep enough. My own words betray me. They don’t come out. 

count it all as loss

Hope and hopelessness. Changes so suddenly. Like the way the wind blows. Right now, hope. Because I’m in the corner seat at global with a skim latte in a mug and I have no agenda. And I have no time limit. And I have words to type and the Word to read. And because I don’t feel pressured to write lovely words. To create some gorgeous thought. Its okay to not. Like last night. I just read the paragraph I wrote last night. And really all I said was, I’m not okay. And today I am still not okay. And that is real and true. Good? Negligible. I need to sit for a while and forget the world. There may not be a phrase or a sentence that hasn’t been written before. BUT my writing is unique. SIMPLY because there is no other me anywhere else and there never will be. So I have something to say that no one else can say. No one can write my words. And yet, being with Christ means that his words are always best. Always. And I have found that to be true. I’m not going to do work for my classes right now. I’m not going to think about them. I don’t need a task or an indentity other than the one you want to give me, God. I am SO PRONE to need time to be taken, occupied, full. And I think that needs to die in me. Really it does. Sacrament of the present moment. Means that you do what does not feel productive because you follow God every instant wherever it leads you. How much have I prayed for my girls this week? None. What am I here for? To know Christ.

What does Paul have to say to me, what words that he wrote to the Philippians’ church, to the saints of Philippi, saints in Christ,

Rejoice in the Lord. And put no confidence in the flesh. I look at my skin and know that all of me is flesh except Christ in me and his Spirit in me. The rest of me is flesh. Confidence and hope are the same I think. Can I put confidence in Vintage21 church? Or in meritorious programs? Or NC State? What about me? Is there room for confidence in me?

What does Paul have to say to me?

 He says, look love, if anyone had reason for confidence in the flesh its me. If success could have confidence put in it, I would be the one to find confidence in it. I was as good as it gets in terms of the law. So now, that would be like saying “I get how to be Christian. If there is confidence to be put in helping the poor, in doing well in school, in being a good member of the family, in discipling girls, in being thin and healthy, in being busy, in grad school, in relationships to professionals, in being a young life person or an international person, a Haiti person, an inner city restoration person-I had confidence in those things.” And maybe he says, "Krystal, say it too. Proclaim, humbly and simply among your friends that being a "good person" or a "successful person" is flesh and there is no confidence in the flesh. Is there confidence to be put in great husbands? In great friends? In great careers? In writing? In studying? None. How do you know? Because I count it all a loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus my lord. Why? Because it left me emptier than before. It made a promise it couldn’t deliver. Whatever I hoped to find in school isn’t there. What ever I hoped to accomplish in urban restoration isn’t happening. Whatever I wanted this little bible study to look like, no. Its not there. What about living in Haiti? Would that cure you? Only Christ. There is no meaning apart from Christ.

But whatever gain I had I count it as loss for the sake of Christ.

Whatever gain I had I count it as loss for the sake of Christ.

And here, God whispers into the deep, as deep cries out to deep, why seek so many gains? Count them as loss. 

not perfect

How do we learn who Jesus is? Through people who display Christ to us. Who forgive us and teach us what redemption looks like. Through sleeping through coffee with a friend, after making them get up an hour early to meet you, because you asked them to, and then them not even being angry at all, and being willing to reschedule. Its a small thing, I guess, to sleep through coffee, but really its not. Its a reminder that I am not as put together as I think I am. That the lord calls us to do what we do well for him. not to do a million things. Why is it so much more subtle when I cancel on Christ than a human being? When I neglect to meet him as I said I would? Is it all that different than the denial of his own when he went to be crucified? And yet, I do it all the time, but am shocked and horrified when I neglect a date I made with another person. It is also a reminder of my dependence on God. My limitations as a human. My need of sleep. Of food. These needs keep me from forgetting my deeper need, my need of God. My inability to do anything without him. And as I write this, I look at the minutes pass and realize my time with Him which seem to have just began is again running short. On a time schedule. Put on the back burner for some other thing that in the scope things holds little value but that I committed to all the same. And I wonder why I keep myself running instead of running to my Savior. I wonder why I'd like to walk with other girls and lead them to Christ but leave him no time to lead me to his cross. Leave him no time to lead me through my own soul and to see the darkness lurking. And I know that I am taking the easy way out. The easy way of identity because I can find identity in a satisfying schedule instead of him. In service because I can serve lots instead of waiting to see how he wants me to serve. I can keep praying for people at a minimum. Deep relationships have walls naturally built in because if you are in relationship with enough people you can get away with keeping that relationship in a safe place, where you never get too close.
Lord,
You asked your disciples, Who do you say that I am? Can I ask you the same Jesus? Who do you say that I am? Why do I not ask you? Why do I not listen to what you have to say to me? Believe what the word says is true about me? It says

You are all together beautiful my darling. There is no flaw in you.

Do I really trust you? That what you say about me is true? that it is true enough to be satisfying? that you have life for me? And the full life does not come from sucking life out of everything I can find, you included, but through letting go of everything other than you?

My faith is small. I know not how to believe. I know not how to know you. How to pursue knowing you. How to surrender to you. How to see the sacrament and the holiness in the present moment and wait on you. And not move away immediately if I dont feel you moving. But wait and let your Spirit have its way with me. Don't let me use you to worship this golden idol of usefulness. Of purpose. Of significance. Your water is living and I am thirsty. You said to woman that she never has to be thirsty again.

I don't know that I will be blogging much longer. I am losing the sense that I have something lovely to say to the world. And more so, if I am writing I want to be writing to Jesus. My desire to be a writer is waning and my desire to know him is growing. I know that in some strange way he has brought glory to himself through this but I have to filter to write a blog and filtered writing feels fake. Perhaps I will write and eventually turn it into a book. Or just let the words be kept with him. I dont care. He can do whatever he wants with any word I write or utter. It matters not. What do I have to say to whoever may be reading this? Press into the heart of Christ. He loves you like no one else ever will. I don't know what you're running after but I don't think you'll find it. I never found it until I found him. The only way to know jesus is to meet with him. Until you cant take your eyes off him. I'm not there yet. To where I can't take my eyes off of him. Stop being busy. It sucks to stop but it will suck more to get to the end of your life and realize you spent most of it running after nothing. Stop being with people every second. Stop listening to music and studying and watching tv and reading and figure out what the heck your heart is after anyways. Figure out what brings you joy. nothing you can earn here you can take with you when you die. Our pastor last night talked about adoption. That when jesus says he's going to adopt us, he wants to tell everyone else in the orphanage he will take them too. That they are orphans no longer. He doesnt want us to spend all our time making our orphan rags fancier, he has a whole new outfit for us. These tattered rags were leaving behind. He doesnt want us to make up our little orphan bed or try to accumulate lots of grimy broken toys. He is taking us to his home. We will take nothing here with us. Nothing here will be worth any value because he will have everything we need. He came and he said, listen I am going to prepare a place for you and I am coming back for you. I will not leave you here. I will come back and take you with me. Nothing can stop me. Nothing will keep us apart. So tell everyone. Tell them that I am coming and I will take them too. I have infinite rooms. There is no one I'll turn down. Tell them they are orphans no longer. Tell them there is something better than this.
You may call it idealism, but I refuse to believe this is all there is. This world. This brokenness. I think I'd be more satisfied if this was it. I don't think I'd wake up every day this thirsty. Thats just me.

Jesus love,

Come into this heart of mine this morning. That I may know you, may know that you are God. That I may rest in your holiness. Today, Jesus, I prayed for people in my life. It is a beautiful thing to truly pray for people. It is so rare that I actually do. But to sit and wait until you put a name or a face into my mind and then to lift them up to you. And say Lord; I’ve come to you on behalf of Ansilta. Or Regan. Or Amanda. And spend a moment asking you to do what only you can in their lives and their hearts. Asking you to captivate them and to bring them into your love. Lord, I am beginning to see that if I am not praying for someone I maybe cannot say that I am in community with them, ministering to them, loving them. If I have people that I believe you have called me to, and I do, I need to be setting aside time to pray just for them.

Jesus, I have few words when I come to you. What do I say to the maker of the universe? The creator of my heart? The owner of my life? Silence scares me, lord. I seek to fill it up with words. Whether I am with you or with someone else. But there is a lovely line of yours embedded in the beautiful book of psalms that Amanda revealed to me just last night.

Let the words of my mouth and the

Meditation of my heart

Be acceptable in your sight

O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

God, the best times of my life are times with you. The world tells me to be useful, to be important, to do many great things, but I know when I am with you that this is what I am supposed to do. That if I am not yours, not attentive to the word you speak to me and the actions you call me to, its useless. I know that is a strong statement to make, Jesus, and I pray Lord that if someone reads this post they do not think I am trying to tell them there work is useless. I only know for myself lord that the choice I make is either me or you. That I cannot live for other people. I can perform no entirely altruistic act. That ultimately my humanness makes me focus on a self love and a self protection and a self promotion, even if I am serving. That is a still about my usefulness. Still about me. You alone lord, can crucify that in me. When I choose you, I choose the world as well. Because you chose the world. You died for the world. You did not count equality with God as something to be grasped but made yourself nothing, humbling yourself to death, even death on a cross. And only if I am detached from the world, if I can stop asking the world and its people, are you pleased with me? Have I done enough? Am I good enough? Then I can love them. When I need nothing in return.

Lord, even as I write this, I know that nothing I say is new. Nothing is revolutionary. They are ancient truths. Ancient even to my walk. The same struggles I’ve had my along my walk with you. So there is a voice in me that says, you’ve said this before. Not only you, but so many before you. No one needs to read what they already know. I don’t think that voice is yours Jesus. I know that my writing and my prayers belong to you. And I know that it really matters not if no one is moved by these simple, old words. Because if you say, I want to use your words, even though I see no value in them, if you want to use them, they are yours. You can do with them what I cannot. They are just words. Just letters strung together. But if you want to breath life into someone and in some tiny ways use one or a few of the words in this prayer, I cannot say no. So take this prayer, and do what you wish with it. Again lord, let me not obsess over the usefulness but write to you and pray to you because I love you and let you do what you want with me and with everything that I do.

Make me more deeply and entirely yours. Crucify me with you that I may live you. That is a prayer for every day, not for once in my walk. I love you.