continuation from last post

Indeed, I count everything a loss for the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus our lord. Everything a loss.

I don’t think that Paul means that nothing is worth as much as knowing Christ Jesus. I think that he is saying that everything else will count as loss towards knowing Christ Jesus. Which makes sense. The more segregated my interests and loyalties, the less Jesus has them. So, it makes sense. Jesus is God and God says clearly that he is a jealous God. That he does not want a part of me. Even the biggest part. Or the best part. He’s humbly asked for all of me. And offered me all of Jesus.

And now, the next verse seems to confirm my suspicion. For his sake, I have suffered the loss of all things because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. But he has not lost hedonistic things. He has lost religious things. He lost his religious standing and reputation. Is it humiliating to say that I have time to spend hours with jesus. To do so little that it is possible? Yes. That would be embarrassing. I want a mission that I can say this is who I am and this is what I do. Paul says, I had that. I had an identity being an excellent jew, and I count that as rubbish. For the sake of knowing Christ. When you seek Christ you gain Christ and you let go of everything you used to hold onto. What do I hold onto? Thinness. YL. Vintage. Bible study leader. Social work major. Smart. Haiti. South Raleigh. Hunter. Park. Caldwell. Being someone important. I really like being important. Paul was important before Christ wrecked his life. Then he was a prisoner. Beaten. A letter writer. He wanted to be jewish. Then he wanted to bring jews to Christ Then he accepted he would bring Gentiles to Christ. But at this point, he has lost even that. Like he says in ch 2, what happened to me is advancing the gospel. Really. He says, I finally take my identity as the one who preaches to the gentiles, and even that is taken from me. In a jail cell, I’m left with none but Christ. And so I have found every other way blocked to me. And I am left with one thing. Knowing Jesus. He says Jesus, if I am found in you, forget ministry. Forget it all jesus. Forget good grades. Hard classes. Sweet degree. Being liked. Being needed. Discipling. Just Jesus is left.

And the past two days, I just keep doing dumb stuff. Indecisive. Not meeting with people. Not that much class. I think you know God, that a beautiful successful ministry would become an idol. As would a challenging degree. This whole social work thing, its humbling. Its very humbling. All that I have, was given to me by you. Every gift. Every lovely thing about me, was yours first. All yours.

Im like, I cant spend all this time at a coffeeshop. That just cannot happen.

Its interesting how much I can love the word humility and hate the word humiliation. As if they are starkly different. As if I think humility can come from doing really well at everything. Someone could look at all this, and say, Krystal, you are crazy. I can’t believe you of all people, would have this constant identity crisis, this thirst for worth, and act as if you do nothing when you do so much. But I just think, tell it to my soul. Tell it to me late at night, when I’m not busy and I’m tired but I don’t want to sleep and I am lonely. Or I don’t like myself. What about when nothing in my soul is at all appealing to me? And what if this work that I am doing doesn’t really make me happy because it does not. I’m telling you it doesn’t make me happy. Also, can I just say that majoring in Social Work does not make me happy? It is not a satisfying, fulfilling major. And you may think, maybe you need to switch. Be an English major, that’s what you love. But even literature, which I do love, writing which I truly love, provides no deep satisfaction. Shallow satisfaction yes. Temporary satisfaction-certainly. But deep satisfaction, no. It doesn’t go deep enough. My own words betray me. They don’t come out.