count it all as loss

Hope and hopelessness. Changes so suddenly. Like the way the wind blows. Right now, hope. Because I’m in the corner seat at global with a skim latte in a mug and I have no agenda. And I have no time limit. And I have words to type and the Word to read. And because I don’t feel pressured to write lovely words. To create some gorgeous thought. Its okay to not. Like last night. I just read the paragraph I wrote last night. And really all I said was, I’m not okay. And today I am still not okay. And that is real and true. Good? Negligible. I need to sit for a while and forget the world. There may not be a phrase or a sentence that hasn’t been written before. BUT my writing is unique. SIMPLY because there is no other me anywhere else and there never will be. So I have something to say that no one else can say. No one can write my words. And yet, being with Christ means that his words are always best. Always. And I have found that to be true. I’m not going to do work for my classes right now. I’m not going to think about them. I don’t need a task or an indentity other than the one you want to give me, God. I am SO PRONE to need time to be taken, occupied, full. And I think that needs to die in me. Really it does. Sacrament of the present moment. Means that you do what does not feel productive because you follow God every instant wherever it leads you. How much have I prayed for my girls this week? None. What am I here for? To know Christ.

What does Paul have to say to me, what words that he wrote to the Philippians’ church, to the saints of Philippi, saints in Christ,

Rejoice in the Lord. And put no confidence in the flesh. I look at my skin and know that all of me is flesh except Christ in me and his Spirit in me. The rest of me is flesh. Confidence and hope are the same I think. Can I put confidence in Vintage21 church? Or in meritorious programs? Or NC State? What about me? Is there room for confidence in me?

What does Paul have to say to me?

 He says, look love, if anyone had reason for confidence in the flesh its me. If success could have confidence put in it, I would be the one to find confidence in it. I was as good as it gets in terms of the law. So now, that would be like saying “I get how to be Christian. If there is confidence to be put in helping the poor, in doing well in school, in being a good member of the family, in discipling girls, in being thin and healthy, in being busy, in grad school, in relationships to professionals, in being a young life person or an international person, a Haiti person, an inner city restoration person-I had confidence in those things.” And maybe he says, "Krystal, say it too. Proclaim, humbly and simply among your friends that being a "good person" or a "successful person" is flesh and there is no confidence in the flesh. Is there confidence to be put in great husbands? In great friends? In great careers? In writing? In studying? None. How do you know? Because I count it all a loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus my lord. Why? Because it left me emptier than before. It made a promise it couldn’t deliver. Whatever I hoped to find in school isn’t there. What ever I hoped to accomplish in urban restoration isn’t happening. Whatever I wanted this little bible study to look like, no. Its not there. What about living in Haiti? Would that cure you? Only Christ. There is no meaning apart from Christ.

But whatever gain I had I count it as loss for the sake of Christ.

Whatever gain I had I count it as loss for the sake of Christ.

And here, God whispers into the deep, as deep cries out to deep, why seek so many gains? Count them as loss.