Needing Prayer.

I don't really think that I have ever done this on the blog but I have something to ask of whoever is reading this which is prayer. On my behalf. And to be honest, I don't think I have ever counted myself important or extreme enough to really ask for people to commit to praying for me really hard. And I still sort of don't, even as  I write this post. Prayer is a funny thing..were always doing these prayer requests at church and bible study and whatever and I do a lot of those overarching prayers that hopefully cover everyone ("Help all my friends with all that they are struggling with") and it just doesn't reconcile with the kind of prayer that leads to blood sweating.
I believe, though, that prayer is powerful. That it matters. That it makes all the difference. And I want to really pray for people. To pray hard. To pray like it does change everything. And I want to be humble enough and also count myself worthy to ask to be prayed for. If God says that I matter to him, who am I to say that my little life isn't worth meriting intentional prayer for. If I matter enough for him to die, I don't need to wait until I have a life threatening disease or crisis to deserve passionate prayer.
I'm going to Haiti. Maybe. I'm not ready. I'm not equipped to spend a month in a third world country. I don't really know what third world means. I've been surrounded by wealth every day of my life. A place where there is no sanitation system. A place where there is no air conditioning. A place where you can't touch a lot of kids because you will get their diseases, or you can't forget to take a pill because you will get malaria, or you cant forget your 30% deet repellent because you will be swarmed with mosquitos.
I really don't want to even post this because I don't want anyone to think that its super cool to go into these incredibly harsh conditions or that being Christian means suffering as much as possible or that there is some third world glamour and something noble about doing this.
Its the lives of these Haitians. Its not impressive to go there for a month. Its no more and no less following Christ than if I hung out at Chesapeake or the beach for a month. Following Christ means proclaiming what he did on the cross, not having intense experiences. Lots of people have experienced lots more intense things. That really doesn't matter. I think that God is allowing me the opportunity to go because he loves me. I can't say that I am sure, but it is my thought for now. That He'd like to journey this with me and work through me in a place with a lot of needs.
But I'm really not capable of entering into these conditions. I'm really picky and difficult and just not flexible. I get upset when I don't get to eat what I want to eat. I hate being hot. I really hate bugs. I suck at taking medicine. I get sick all the time in Raleigh, probably like the safest place in the world.
So thats where prayer comes in. Because I am weak. But he is strong. I will be thirsty, but he said come to the waters and you will never be thirsty again. And Jesus became human. Me living sort of like I am Haitian instead of American is like a drop compared to Jesus becoming human and obedient to death.
So I'm going to ask that you make it part of your life, part of your mission from now until mid June, that I have discernment and strength and that I learn how to depend on Him and have an intimacy with Him that I have never known. And that in the process you learn to depend on Him and have an intimacy with Him that you have never known. And that you tell me how I can pray for you and that I have the courage to really, truly commit to prayer for you with my strength and my time knowing that it does matter.
Immensely.

coffee shop thoughts

The most marvelous thing happened which was that a few people told me this week that they loved my blog. Which may seem small but it isn't at all. Its so special. Its a crazy thing when someone says, listen you  have a gift and I want you to keep using it for the kingdom. I hope that when I am with people I exhort them, I tell them their gifts, I remind them that they are crucial in the kingdom, unique and precious and lovely. 

I have decided that lukewarm is the most dangerous thing to be. Which is why I am so impressed and honored by the people who refuse to be lukewarm, who choose to go on the much more difficult task of wrestling with Jesus to decide whether or not he is worth everything. I am so struck by my own temptation to be a chameleon and change in the circumstances I find myself in. The temptation is that you will be accepted and loved if you just take on whatever is convenient. Or maybe that sense of life ending all to soon makes me want to maximize each moment with whatever desire is strongest in that second. That I can worry about regretting it later, for right now I just want the most happiness I can get. No matter the consequences. 

Side note: There is really loud pop-y music playing in the coffee shop I am in and I am half exasperated because it makes it so hard to be serious and talk about Jesus but then I thought of something a wise friend said. She asked why we always separate Jesus and fun. Like were always supposed to be solemn and even sad because of the burden of living in this world. But perhaps Jesus isn't that serious all the time. Maybe he was kind of a fun guy. He lived after all. He talked and laughed and maybe he danced and sang sometimes. Maybe he teased his disciples. And if we really look at the gospels there is quite a bit of humor in there. Like when he is sleeping during the storm and wakes up and calms it in a second. Maybe he was telling them that they needn't take everything so seriously all the time. Sometimes I have this sense of what time with Jesus is "supposed" to look like. Where I need to learn things and confess..preferably cry if its really good. But there is nothing pious about it. I am never going to be impressed or tell my friends great job when they let their husband take them on a date. For now, he's the only husband I have. There is nothing impressive about having 3 hours instead of 1 hour to spend with Jesus. That is simply a gift. 

That being said, it hit me today that all of my anxiety and feeling of just existing fearful that there is no significance, or my heightening self condemnation will only be dissolved by time with Jesus. I can't wish or work it away; I cant be busy enough to avoid it.

The time I have spent with God has been the best time of my life. Hands down. Its the fullest life I know with nothing else coming remotely close. Any "high" from anything else...a great meal, vacation, work out, party, service, grade whatever, has a dip or a crash that reminds me its not what I am living for. 

Though Jesus is certainly the greatest thing in the universe, he is also offensive. If you don't find Jesus offensive, you may not be looking at him very clearly. He says you can't have any of your life. You have to give the whole thing to him. Your friends, your family, your career, your money, your time, he says thats all mine. And then there is the whole thing about him not caring at all about what we do and how hard we work. Just like the older son was furious with the Father and the younger son, its really upsetting that all of our hard work isn't necessary to get into the kingdom. Or that thief that wastes his whole life and gets to be with Jesus in paradise. Didn't jesus know that he was scum? What about the terrible things he committed? That guy was filthy. And the rich man who followed every commandment? He was a good person wasn't he? And he got left behind. It flies in the face of every measurement we have of worth and success. 

Its like, wait a second. You are trying to tell me Jesus, that you don't care how many people I help or how hard I work to get good grades and make my own money and take care of my health and give my time to noble, selfless causes? You don't care that I don't drink, smoke, gossip, waste my money, watch dumb tv shows, stay on facebook for hours? You don't care how many hours I spend with kids and with the homeless. You are going to let people who are totally selfish and only look out for their own interests or people that are creepy or off or gross into the kingdom of heaven if they just ask? Thats not how we do things here Jesus, we earn things. Have I not earned your affection? Im not like those bad people...

I wonder if maybe he tells us, just like he told people in person, don't come to me and look for approval for living selflessly. Don't come and say "look what I have given you from my life". "I have kept much less for myself than everyone around me."

 If you want to keep your life, just keep it. 

You will get frustrated if you are looking for approval and praise for the portion you are willing to give. Because I will lift up people that "did" way less than you did. Because none of that matters at all. Just like with the prodigal son, if you want to be with me, if you want to come home, I will run and embrace you. I will treasure you. I will pursue all the days of your life and gather you to me. You will be with me forever and you will forget all about yourself and you wont have that dull sense that you are slowly dying or that life has no meaning. You will not be insecure. I will not make you feel good about yourself or bad about yourself. I will make you see only me. You will lose yourself.  You will be swallowed up in my love and remain there forever. But you will get swallowed up. You can't hold on to your life. Not even your favorite parts. 

Peter

The hardest thing about being home from college is the things I see in myself that I don't want to see. My irritation, impatience, indirect attacks, judgment that all comes out. C.S. Lewis said that if we find rats in the cellar when we turn the light on really quickly, the rats don't appear because of the light, they just usually go unnoticed. He says our sin is the same way. If I am irritated or rude or whatever with my family, it is not their presence that creates that in me. Its natural, just usually suppressed when I am in a different environment. I desperately want to grow in Christ. Which I should. But I cannot see growth as anything but closeness to him and therefore an ability to watch and see what he is doing and let him do those things in me. And as soon as I am separated from him, my ability to be loving or caring or patient or selfless or obedient disappears. 

What is today? What does it mean? How do we even begin to celebrate something as lovely and crucial and precious as Christ resurrected?

I was hit so so hard today imagining the interactions Jesus had with people when he was back. The thought of this random collection of people who gave their whole lives away to this man...but then left him alone in his darkest hour. Who watched him die a thief. Who maybe were sure they had been wrong about everything and all were mocking them for following this guy who didn't turn out to be a king after all. Huddled in a room, deep in despair, and then he comes in. And how they must have felt when they first saw him. Like when your stomach swoops but you try to pretend its not true because if you really are mistaken it would be devastating. But it was true. And just the regret they must have experienced because he really did die and maybe they thought that his last thought of them would be that they did not love him enough to stand beside him. Maybe they thought they had failed him. Maybe that everything they put their hope in had dissolved. I don't know. But I can imagine. I can imagine the pain and I can imagine the victory in the eyes of the one who said I have forgiven you more than you have sinned against me and you cannot out-sin my forgiveness. I have ripped the gates of hell from their hinges and come back to tell you that the battle has been one and death has lost its sting. 

My pastor said yesterday that Jesus had a relentless desire to never abandon his children. They were primarily concerned with self preservation throughout their time with him. The first day one said "can anything good come from nazareth?" and the last day they were still sleeping when he said kept watch, still creating competition between them, still saying if you would just show us better we will be happy. And when it was made clear what was happening, they fled. But Jesus refuses to abandon his children. He came back to them, saying, death reins no more. Go and tell the whole world. If we reject him the way his closest men did, he says your sin matters enough that I would take it upon myself so we can be together forever. If we are like the thief on the cross who wasted his entire life and now, on the verge of death, wants to go to heaven, Jesus says you will be with me in paradise. 

But the thing I got choked up about was Peter. And what must have stirred in Peter when he saw Jesus again. And how he said he was going to give his life for Jesus, how he thought he loved Jesus in a way no one else did, and thinking he missed his chance. He abandoned his best friend. And how Jesus was always rebuking peter. Always calling him out. But how JEsus adored Peter. And he was hard him. But the harshness stemmed from sweet adoration. And can you imagine, seeing him making bread, saying lets have breakfast together just like before. Can you imagine that sort of reunion. Or hearing the person on the shore say lay down your nets, and the pangs the disciples must have felt remembering the first time they heard that demand and then John saying, Peter, its Him. And the flip flops peter must have felt in his stomach. 

I wish I could see Jesus's eyes after he was resurrected. Because he really did it. He really conquered death and bore the punishment and the significance of what he did is eternal. And he gets to go back to his dad but its better, a million times better, because he knew that because of what he did, his guys and his daugters are on their way. Would be with him in just a matter of moments. And all will be together. Forever. 

And I wish I could be there, see Jesus and Peter standing face to face. Jesus saying Peter, we never have to be separated again. And Jesus being able to look on Peter with deep, pure affection, proud of him. Pleased with him. Delighted in him. Not because of what Peter did. Not because he learned how to say the right things or got his act together. Peter abandoned JEsus and denied him but once Jesus conquered death, Peters denial had been paid in full and no longer existed. And to make that even more real he says to him, Do you love me? Do you love me more than these, Simon son of John? Giving him three opportunities to profess his love in an interaction just between the two of them, though he denied him three times in front of many. Showing him, that in the end, everything else will fade away, all other people and the world and we will be left face to face with Jesus, who conquered death for us with nothing left but that question 

Do you love me?

And nothing for this life except the words he said after

Follow me. 

Those same two words they heard the first time they ever saw this Jesus of nazareth, and now 3 years later they hear it again, right before he goes to the father and perhaps they know there is nothing else...

making this week something lovely, something set apart

John 12 through 17.

Can we make this week about this little section of the Bible? It seriously is the most beautiful thing...there is so much depth. So much of who Jesus is and who we are also. I just want to read it over and over and dig deeper and deeper.

Jesus,

I am always rushing and hurrying my way through life, taking on a million things, stressing about school, keeping up with twenty different girls, coordinating, planning emailing, carrying out. But this is a holy week. Don't let me let it slip by like I so often do. It is evident Jesus, that you were not impressed by the knowledge and the actions and the ministry the theologians and church people did but by Mary who came and poured a whole bottle of perfume on you. Who didn't look at anyone else, or care what they thought or worried about the productivity of her action or how to maximize her money, but who just loved you with reckless abandon. Thank you for choosing imperfect men, because I am just like them. I also demand to know where you are going, and try to refuse to let you wash my feet and ask for signs and yet you love me. And you promise that you have gone to prepare a place for us and that you are coming back and you are drawing us to yourself. Let us spend our week in the scriptures which are breathed out by God and let us pray to you and have fellowship and see this week as holy and lovely and a chance to dive into who you are and what you did and what you meant. Dance with us through these passages in the Word this week and help us to give you our time and let you show us who you are and let us find life in that. Bring us to tears Jesus, about what happened this week. Bring us into sorrow and into rejoicing. I'm not sure why its so hard for me to take it seriously God. I look at my culture's view of Easter and see it as an American holiday that involves church. Jesus, this is a chance for us to have a retreat with you and to really dive deeply and breath deeply what the cross is and what the resurrection is. Don't let it ever become stale. It is living and active and piercing. You have much to say to us in these texts. Take us into deep and rich time with you this week, laying everything else aside that we may focus on knowing you. Thank you especially for John 12-17 and we see the intimate interactions with the twelve who gave up everything for you, and who were most effected by your leaving. Thank you for their humanness that we can relate to. Love you jesus.

Inescapable Powerlessness

One of my really great friends said to me yesterday,

"I was in church and I just decided that life is beautiful."

And she's right. It really, really is. And I've been reading 2nd Timothy, the last letter Paul wrote before he died and its obvious that Paul finds life quite beautiful. Simply and entirely because of the gospel. And he says that he is not ashamed to be joyful because he knows whom he has believed and is convinced that he is able to guard what has been entrusted to Paul. He goes on to talk about how everyone is turning away from him, and he is alone in this prison cell sentenced to die, unable to do any more ministry, unable to verbally proclaim the gospel, and he writes a letter to one guy. His beloved child Timothy. He entrusts all of his last thoughts and his reflections and his wisdom in a letter to Timothy. He didn't seem to worry about the chance that the letter might get lost or destroyed on the way or that Timothy wouldn't care or understand, or that Timothy would not carry out and spread the words paul said. And maybe thats because Paul knew that God is bigger than anything else and would do whatever he wants with the things Paul had to say before he died. And God did more with Paul's letters than anyone could have ever predicted.

Richard Rohr says that Jesus called us to be the yeast, and that you can only be the yeast if you have no desire for your own power. Because we naturally want to be the whole loaf. The yeast is invisible. And we do not want to be small and invisible. It is a fragile, humble position. What other positions are offered to us? The salt, and again, we demand to be the meal. Or he calls us to be the light on the mountain but we decide to try to become the whole mountaintop. Its only when we have nothing to prove or protect that we can follow Jesus because demands All. The gospel undeniably calls us to powerlessness. If we climb the spiritual ladder, conquering theology, knowledge, doctrine, service, prayer, scriptures...were going to miss Jesus who is found at the bottom of the spiritual ladder, not the top. Who came down into creation, who did not count equality with God something to be grasped but made himself nothing taking the form of a servant and being obedient all the way to death, even death on a cross.

God loves imperfect things. Only the imperfect believe that. Therefore, Rohr says, People who have suffered, are twisted out of shape, and are oppressed have broken dependency on the perfectible self, and have a lead on those who are good, sound and strong.

He says that every time we pray Thy Kingdom come, we must also pray my kingdom go.

 

raleigh

There are days when I have nothing to write about and there are days when I have more to write than I ever could. Today is the second kind of day.
I had the chance to sit and share life with this wonderful girl who has struggled with so much and the only thing I could offer was jesus. Not because I am supposed to, but simply because he is the only thing I know where life is found and fear can dissolve and lies can be dispelled. And watching someone begin to process who that crazy guy who loves them more than anyone else ever will is maybe the most beautiful thing in the universe. And she asked me how she could live for him. Which is the sweetest question I have ever heard. I cant even handle when God chooses to do such crazy beautiful things. And the reason she is beginning to think about God is not because of me at all but because of a girl in her family who I have been blessed to be friends with who has fallen in love with jesus this year and it is so so so evident. All the time. I'm discovering the discipline of listening. Discovering that you listen not to manipulate the conversation, not to only have deep conversations, not to talk about yourself or your advice or your knowledge. You listen because the girl sitting across from is worth listening to. Whether she wants to tell you about a movie or a friend or a struggle or secret or jesus. It matters not. And the crazy thing is, when we stop trying to get the conversation to go a certain way and we listen without any expectations or needs for the conversation to do something or to turn to Jesus, it does. It always does. The Spirit does not need our help moving people. It needs us to get out of the way and let it work and use us how it wants to. Because everything every person struggles with is rooted in their need and desire for a savior. In fact, we may find ourselves trying not to bring everything back to jesus, because it all goes to him.

On a different note, East Raleigh has been hit hard by tornados. HOuses are smashed in half, oaks are uprooted, power is down, streets are filled. It is one of those situations that seems so surreal unless its your house thats been crushed. Surreal, but in a much deeper way. Now this is tragic in a sense. But our God is bigger than that. Because it is also a huge gift and a huge, huge opportunity to love the city of Raleigh passionately and with all that we have. It is a time for community and a time to help not because we have to but because it is a gift to be able to. Today my pastor stood and told us about our Savior and what struck me was not his Sermon but his joy. His delight and excitement and passion for Jesus and what his life looked like and our choices to respond. He was so excited about the gospel. His eyes danced, he spoke fast, he wasn't looking at notes, all he wanted was for every single person to hear their story about a God who loves them more than they will ever know, who has been on a journey to redeem humanity to himself from the second we turned from him, the second his kids committed treason and said they hated him. He did it in a way none of us could have dreamed up, redeeming us in the same moment that we killed his Beloved Son. My pastors deck is standing straight up because he lives in East Raleigh, the poorest most oppressed part of our city and the part that was hit, and his trees are down and his shed and playground are destroyed but none of that seems to phase him because he is committed to a kingdom that is BIGGER and he is a citizen somewhere other than this broken and fragile world where we are all just sojourners. And that is awesome to see. That in the light of the redemption we celebrate this week, this tornado is minuscule to those who are directly affected who are following Christ and monumental to those who weren't affected because we refuse to be an apathetic people and choose to see this as a way to advance the kingdom of Jesus Christ. A chance to pray with people we don't normally pray with, serve with people who just want to help, be blessed by the poor because they know Him much better than we do most of the time because they really have been stripped of everything that most of us, especially me, still cling very tightly to.

Treasured.

The biggest thing I have learned about myself recently is that I desperately, desperately need to be treasured. And also that I am absolutely terrified of not being treasured, so I intentionally act like I am not and that I am all alone because it makes the fear more bearable in some weird way. Self pity sucks more than anything because it is satisfying in its own way. Not gospel satisfaction, but human satisfaction. Another way to deal with this need to be treasured is by not treasuring other people. Usually internally, but often in subtly destructive ways. We look for ways to confirm our suspicions about people and we cling to who they once were instead of rejoicing in who they are now. And I find satisfaction in being with difficult or poor people not because I am really treasuring for them but because I am proud of myself for being with them. I have an unbelievable ability to make judgements and to hate people internally and it all stems straight from this huge need to be needed and important to people and this fear that I am not needed and I am not important.
All of a sudden I'm cloaked in darkness. Which is usually where busyness serves as a temporary fix. I can always tell when I'm really not in a good place because I don't want to be with Jesus. Because if I am taking comfort in self pity and darkness, Jesus is going to blow all that to pieces. And I'm afraid to let him. Im afraid to really love people. All people. Not just the easy ones to love. Gosh, temporary fixes are so dangerous. because they keep us away from jesus. I have mine down.
I think what I love about Jesus is that he only offers himself. He says that he will treasure me. Not that he will be a way to get other people to treasure me more, and he never tells me I just haven't tried hard enough or done the right thing.
With blogging Jesus would never say, "hey I can make you a better blogger and you'll get more followers and people will be impressed by your writing and you'll feel really satisfied and worthwhile."

He probably says something like,

forget the blog altogether. There is no satisfaction in blogging. I will satisfy you. The number of people who read and like what you post will never ever satisfy your thirst for me. He says, just be with me, and if you want to give me this little blog, this little expression of your love and your attempts to talk about me, and if you want to profess the gospel and that its best thing that ever happened to you and that you will never be the same, I will do more with your profession than you could ever ask or imagine or dream possible. But you're not even going to see what I am doing with it. And even if you did see, you would not be very excited because nothing on earth is ever going to be enough and is ever going to make you feel worthwhile deep inside where it really matters. I will delight in your words and your expression. And I will use it to advance my kingdom. You are invaluable to me and I treasure everything about you and everything that you offer me. Not because I have to or because I need you, but just because you're you and I made you and I made you well and I love you. So it doesn't matter at all who writes or what they say, I am the fullness of God and I have already said everything that ever needed to be said about God and I carried out the reconciliation of God and his people. But still, I delight in what you do, and work through it and call you my own. Not because of who you are or what you do but because of who I am. And I love you. 

Jesus, you're better than I thought

Somehow, Jesus, I still can't even believe how good you are. The crazy paradox about you Lord is that when I finally stop clinging to and demanding things like really good bible study with the girls where lots of people come or relationships with kids at neighbor2neighbor or good conversations with my mom, you give them to me. You wanted it for me all along, but it is only when I let go of it for you that you can give all these things.

I just can't get over who you are. The idea that you want to be known by me. I always try to keep everyone from knowing me out of self defense and pride and you, the God of the universe, want to be known in fullness by us. Why do you want us to know you? How can you want to give us so much? And dwell in us? It goes against all of my knowledge.

You keep teaching me how to let go of my plans, reminding me of the priest who passed the man dying on the road. Perhaps he was reading his bible when he passed the man. Perhaps he was off to do ministry or give a sermon. Stopping for one guy was just far too mundane for someone as important to the kingdom as a priest, he maybe thought. But no one was too mundane for Jesus Christ. No one at all. Jesus saw the value in people because they are human beings. And he had no plan apart from your will, so he never dealt with the debate I always find myself in, where I make a plan that I don't really want anyone, you included, to mess up. Jesus, when you give me an opportunity to love someone, to listen well, to have a conversation about the most mundane thing, do not let me give that up for anything at all. Teach me how to look straight at you and ask you about every opportunity that comes my way and to always leave lots of room in my day for you to come in and do things I could never imagine. Teach me how to interact with people as you did while you were here, never distracted or on a time limit or demanding that the conversation be steered in this direction or that, but just to treasure them with everything I can muster and to truly see them as gifts, as indispensable to you and to me, and that you are blessing me by putting them in my life, not ever ever the other way around.

I am also just amazed at the way you burst through people. Last night, at our bible study for freshman girls, Amanda portrayed the gospel in a way that was so beautiful that it hurt. And it wasn't like she was trying to say something to tach them she was just saying that the gospel was the only thing she ever wanted to give anyone. Not because it was the right answer or she wanted them to hear it but just because she really really believes it. And girls came for the first time to bible study last night and they want to come back. And they said to me, I want more of this is my life. And we talked about dying to ourselves. We skipped straight to the tough stuff.  That in itself is miraculous. And we begun to dive into our brokenness. Which takes courage. This is no small matter. This would not have been possible had you not run bible study. I am beginning to wonder what would happen if I trusted you more. How much you can do with one who comes after you with reckless abandon.

Because maybe what is most beautiful is that you do more in us than we could ever do. And that as I stumble along, having no idea what I'm doing, still self seeking, still insecure, still prideful, you work in my life. And delight in me. I am your Beloved and your desire is for me.

That doesn't make any sense at all. Last week, I told you that you're stupid to love me that much. I can't believe I called you stupid. I really didn't want to post that, I don't think it was my finest moment. But it just because I can't even comprehend why or how you love me how you do. Or the work that you're dong. When I see my moms unlimited capacity to forgive I just want to praise you. When I see you in my friends, in the words they say and their eyes and their dedication to bible study and willingness to die to self, I just want to cry because its more beautiful than anything else I have ever known.  Man, Jesus, you really are crazy to enter into us, but I am so so glad. There is nothing that compares to this.

Who am I?

I am finally coming to terms with the identity crisis that has plagued me since middle school of feeling that I am not what I should be. I have been doing many things for a very long time so that I could avoid that question of Who am I? because I was quite afraid the answer may be that I am not really much of anything. In my blue book, which is full of really good quotes about Jesus there is a section entitled "Who are you?" Perfect. Because I am burdened with all these real and self imposed demands to do something significant and relevant and this sense that no matter what I do it is never ever going to be enough, never enough for me or for the world. I can hear it saying, what did you really accomplish this year? What exactly do you think you are going to do with your life? Do you think that will satisfy you? Do you think its enough? Has anything ever satisfied you? Do you think anyone really loves you? Do you think they would if they know who you really were? But Henri Nouwen says this is why we have to learn to listen to God, not just to talk to him. Because he says

Beloved.

I say tell me who I am and he simply says

Beloved.

Beloved before I was born, beloved after I die, and beloved every second of every day in between. He says, THATS who you are. Whether you can hear it or not, its true. Not beloved if you make your mark on the world or beloved if you change a life or accomplish anything at all, simply beloved. He is the only one who can tell us our identity because he is the only one who knows it. no one else will ever say something to me that answers that question that burns in my soul, and it is not something that I can find on my own no matter how far I look. He really does know us better than we know ourselves. What comfort. Because I am sick of loneliness. I am real tired of that quiet, deep dispair that is covered with a multitude of things. I just want to rest in Him and to stop feeling guilty about free time. I want to listen to the one who will remind me that any second I spend with him is a second spent well, and that if I do nothing else it does not matter at all. If I want to spend 4 hours just being with him and if I need to do that then that is beautiful. And on the other hand if I am busy and life is crazy I want the shalom that knows that still all I am really doing is looking at the cross and being with him and that I can walk through every little moment of my life with him and let him guide me and interact with me through my schoolwork and my classes and my friendships and my commitments.

Our relationship with God liberates us from dependence on our little systems of order and fragile structures of control. The more we give in to Him and the relationship he is drawing us to, the more our identities and significance become his responsibility and knowing him becomes our responsibility. Our only responsibility.

We put on false selves to be more acceptable to the world, but he loves us for who we already are, who we cannot help but be, he loves the selves the world demands us to refine. What a strange and lovely God we have stumbled upon.

Last thing: when we are insecure about out own identities, we create settings that deprive other people of their identities as a way of buttressing our own. Our identities do not have to depend of depriving others of theirs. When they depend only on the fact that we are beloveds of God, loved for ourselves, we can enhance and affirm other's sense of self and respect God's idea of them without imposing our own and see them as indispensable and precious gifts from Him.

(Ideas from Nouwen, Houston, Palmer, and Quoist)

Reconciled

Dearest jesus,

You love me. That itself I have so much trouble grasping. How could you love one like me? One so anxious, so constantly busy, so afraid to trust and wanting to know you without being known by you? I act as if its okay if there are people who are hard for me to love and you pour the fullness of your affection on to me. Every moment. The moments when I am probably being really irritating. Or just a straight up jerk. Or pompous. Or when I delight in the failure of your beloveds. Or judge your creation and call it ugly. That is serious stuff. But yet when I look at you, and whether I am timid of ferocious or sweet or prideful or jealous or broken or angry or just numb, when I look at you and ask "reconcile me? your answer is immediately and convincingly and precisely

"Reconciled."

When I don't have it all together and when I am not going to have it all together for quite some time. I am beginning to see that sin is not necessarily lessening as I become more passionate about you. Its just looking differently. And yet you love me. Well. And densely. And fully. Your desire is for me and you call me yours. You have made yourself my husband just like you made Hosea marry the whore. And when she ran away, you said Hosea, you lay down all of your pride and all of your self righteousness and you go to the whorehouse where you have to see the other men who paid their pocket change for your love and she took it and she ran away from you, go there, the last place you ever want to go and get her. And we look at that and say where is the justice for the whore? She cannot just do that. But you say, I have made you my own and nothing can ever separate us. That means I am laying down my pride and my rights and status as God and coming after you, pursuing you as a human, dying as a human, because nothing will come between us. 

Like pastor tyler preached yesterday, this is not a pardon. You did not say that our despising of you and destruction of people and this earth and the terrifying brokenness of our own hearts is not really a big deal and we can all just forget about it. Its the biggest deal in the world. There is nothing more serious. And it demands a response. And Jesus is your response. The utterance of hope. He is the climax of the fate of humanity, the tipping point. He is where heaven meets earth in an unforeseen kiss. he is bigger than our goals, than our best efforts to save the world, than our ideals we so badly want to make real.

He is unchanging which is why your delight in us does not waver and fluctuate with how terrible we are acting.

Jesus, the people in my life...my love for everyone depends soo much on their love for me and their perception of me and how they look at me and the things they say and I know I have just got to let go of all that because that is not how you love and that is not how you called your disciples to love. You said to them, love just like I have loved you. And you said it is a new commandment because no one has ever ever been loved the way you loved your disciples. And you said to them, the world is going to know you are mine by the way you love one another. Which is a little bit disconcerting because I am pretty sure most of my relationships, where I think I have the right to be mad at people and be jealous of people and hold people to this standard of conduct do not let the world see that I am yours.

We have reached that point that we so often reach where I realize I am utterly incapable of the life you have called me to live. The point where you smile because I finally lift my hands up and say, okay, okay, you were right all along. I should just give it to you and listen to you and do my best not to get in they way of what you can make out of my little life. And I say, fine, maybe your will really is better than my will and maybe your love really is ten billion times deeper and more pure and holy than mine and your plans are far more wise and lovely than mine are.

Still, I know that I am trying to avoid that part of the relationship where you say "Give me All." Take from me what I am not willing to give. Humiliate me if necessary. I know the implications of those words may be bigger than I want, but I trust you. I know that you are for me. I know I am resisting you. Do what you want. I'll do my best to let you and not to keep running from you. I love you jesus. I cant get over the thought of looking at you and thinking that I've ruined all my chances at reconciliation and you looking at me your eyes brimming with love and intensity and assuredness and you saying, with all confidence that only one who has gone to calvary can have,

"Reconciled."

Writing

I am beginning to wonder if the greatest day-to-day tension is that between whether to read or to write. That between whether to experience or record. Whether to be alone with my one Love or in community with one or more of his beloveds. I know that every day is just a dance with the Savior and that the answer to every one of those tensions is yes. Yes to the furious longing of God. I can’t help but think if I stopped debating all these peripheral things all the time and just ran towards the cross they would work themselves out. We were asked to talk about our goals on a school assignment and although I can halfheartedly list things off, my goals are dissolving and being replaced with the one goal of knowing Jesus. No other goal is accomplishable without knowing him. I would love to maybe to get to a place where I can delight in people the way he does, because I am still irritated but most and still living mostly as if I am my main concern. I still am sent soaring by others compliments and approval and crushed by the lack of it. I still write every blog post thinking about the audience. I try to get it out of my mind but I can’t erase the knowledge that someone will be reading it and I just know its got to be affecting my writing. I know that the blog belongs to Him and that He can and will do the impossible with my writing, which is touch hearts. Which is why hopefully every post is deeply rooted in the cross and the love of God manifested in Jesus. Everything else is losing its meaning. And yet, just as he promised, meaning is deeper. Though I seek the attention and affections of boys far less, I count marriage and the mysterious masterpiece God has made of a man and a woman knit together far more valuable and beautiful. As I need people less, I love them more. As I care less about grades, I learn more. As I realize I have very, very little to say, I write more. I know that all my actions cannot be stripped of the self-seeking in them because I am human. Only Jesus was focused solely on obedience to the Father. He does not demand that of us. He did it because he knew that whether he demanded it or not, we couldn’t. I think of his guys, peter, paul, james, john…the mistakes they made. The blunders. He used them in huge ways. He’ll do the same with us. Human limitations do not create barriers for the king of the universe. What a relief.  Being a great writer is such a silly, small goal. Giving every word I ever utter or scribble to him, and knowing that it was his already that he simply entrusted it to me, makes so much more sense. 

Tonight my dear friend Kim invited me to have dinner with her and this little inner city family she has been sharing life with for a few months and it was such a sweet time of community. Robbin, the mom, cooked us lasagna and it was evident how much she loved cooking for people. I cant count the number of times she told me she was a third generation cook and all about how she learned from her mom and her dad and never will share her cooking secrets with anyone. The greatest moment though was when I was in the kitchen with Shanda, this 6 year old toothpick sized ball of fire, and I am sitting on their kitchen floor and she is doing my hair and were listening to michael jackson on their boom box and she is singing every single word to the song while she brushes my hair.
I felt so cared for.
And I thought to myself, if this is inner city ministry, I am in love.
 Not until we are cared for do we see how incapable we are of caring for these beautiful communities and how unbelievably capable our Lord is. Service is life, not ministry or mission or payback or obligation or feel-good or anything else, my dear friend emily shared with me. Its enjoying a meal I would normally not come anywhere close to eating because I have to learn that it is not always about me and my personal preferences but enjoying life the way other people enjoy it just for a night and appreciating the way they want to care for me. And realizing I am blessed by their presence and brought into their home by their graciousness. I am the blessed one. It takes being in that role to see how in a lot of ways its more "satisfying" to be the blesser.

I've been thinking a lot about investing in people and how I tend to withhold my investment and spread it into a lot of different things because the thought of investing everything in one person and them never really caring much or still rejecting the cross would suck. Judas...Jesus washed his feet. The night he turned him in. Jesus knew all along what Judas would do. Yet he invested everything. Knowing, he could have given his spot away from someone else. But he didnt.

a letter I wrote my mom this morning (hopefully she doesn't mind that I'm posting it haha)

So, here is a letter I wrote to my mom. My mom is really really special. I've never met anyone like her before. Shes got a whole lot of wisdom. And she knows how to speak truth into my life. I didn't plan to post the letter on the blog but after I wrote it I felt that I should. Its candid since it was never meant to be blogged but only for her. Even though I try to never blog for an audience and just share my heart, you cant trick your mind ahaha. but, heres a little piece of my heart. Also, girls (and guys I guess too but you're just a huge mystery to me so i would probably never urge you to do anything), I urge you to really invest in relationships with your parents. Its something special God has created for us. And I have taken it for granted so much. But have a coffee date with your dad. Or go on a walk with your mom. Ask them about their lives. Tell them about yours. Their advice is always much better than I ever want to admit. Okay, thats enough of that. Heres the letter. 




Dear mom, 


what a nice email. Except it made me cry really hard. Which is a bit awkward since of course I am in Global Village. But thats okay, right? Lots of tears haha, crying is good you always told me. And breathing really deep. Because you remember you're alive right? 

Do you remember the story you used to tell me? When I would get so upset when things weren't fair. The one jesus told his guys, who also hated unfair things, about the farmers who worked all day and those who worked half a day and they all got paid the same thing in the end? That had to be my least favorite story ever. It just KILLED me that people who worked much less hard could get the same results. 

But as I was with Jesus last night, he gently reminded me that the only thing he promised me was himself. He did not promise me I would be "in" with any particular group or that he would make sure I didn't miss out on events I wanted to go to.  And really, thats not the desire of my heart. He is. And he knows that it hurts me when I am stripped of the things I want to find my worth in, but the sweetness of the depth of our relationship is far better. 

And as always, it is not the thing itself we get upset about, but the deeper thing going on. Which in this case was that sense of not making the cut. A sense that I so, so often experienced in high school. Which was Satan, not anyone else. Everyone loved me in Chesapeake. Really well. But Satan loved to hold on to me and tell me I wasn't good enough. I wasn't really "in." And there are places when we need to recognize that the body of Christ is being exclusive, but that is Jesus's business. He put me in charge of my heart, not anyone else's.  

Also that we do have to let go of that which Jesus does not have for us. I know that as beautiful as young life is, it is not the ministry God has called me to. And we're all left out sometimes, in some ways. I think of Jesus, who was rejected in his hometown. Who was betrayed and abandoned by the little band of guys he gave his life and his heart to. He knew they would do it. Jesus loved because God loved him, not because of the response of people here. I know I don't look like him yet, due to my attachment to lots of things here, but I think he is making me look more like him bit by bit. And one day, when we approach him, when we are finally home, I'll look just like him. And so will you. And all this pain and tears will be nothing but a memory, if even that, and we will stand in awe of our Love and our King and it will beautiful. Oh, how I look forward to that day. To eternity's shore...

Mom, I have been blessed beyond anything I ever dreamed of here. Jesus has poured out grace and love abundantly. And you are so so right. I bet a lot of people have not gotten to experience what I have here in Raleigh. So of course they would experience Jesus and community in different ways. And of course I should rejoice in the community and fellowship people enjoy regardless of whether or not I am part of it. And of course I would be here. 

Like you said, this weekend...with some students I cant believe how huge it was. How much I got talk about jesus and how he is the love of my life. How much I got to listen and to love them. And if I knew I had been missing out on something somewhere else that I wish I was a part of, what if my heart was embittered? And I wasn't fully present here in Raleigh and in Winston Salem? Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, was not going to let that happen. 

Of course it still hurts to miss out on stuff but thats okay. Life is messy. And what a deep, deep reminder to constantly look for ways to include people. Because we have some strange attraction to exclusivity. We feel better about ourselves when we are included in a special group. And I really think that is one way Satan has manipulated the church to keep us from doing what God made us to do. And I have to recognize that tendency in myself. It is there. And I have to give that part of my heart to Jesus, and say "love, transform that ugliness and replace it with yourself. Replace it with the scandalous love you poured onto the people everyone excluded and left out and avoided." Man, what I crazy beautiful savior we have. 

Oh, how he loves.

My heart got broke a little bit today. Which happens from time to time. The sweetness of being broken and hurt is that you experience the love of Christ with a depth you were unaware of...

Just the fact that he would come and gather me in his arms, even as I cling angrily to the hurt and foster hatred to the ones I was hurt by. Nothing reveals the beauty of Christ that he would gather me and be present with me and be hurt with me even as I held on to hatred towards his beloveds. As I held onto judgement and let those poisonous thoughts in, he didn't leave me. He came and was broken and hurt with me. He was patient and perfect and he knows how to not condemn me for the evil in my heart. And he can do it without confirming the evil or ever being unfaithful to the ones who I am not loving.

Child-

Its okay, little one. I know how much it hurts. I feel it too. When you are hurt, I am as well. And we can sit and be hurt together. For as long as you want. All night if you want. I never get tired of being with you. I know that your hurt is real and it kills me to see you in pain. When you're ready, I'll whisper I love you. There is no rush. Can I tell you the story again? Our story? How I have adored you since before time began? How I had you in mind when I crafted the oceans? How I came to the depths to find you? How I would rather die than be without you?

I know that you are lonely, but I am close. Closer than you can sense. You don't need anyone but me. I am enough for you. If you let me, when you're ready, I will come in and heal you. I will turn the darkness into light and I will unclench the hurt you are holding onto, and those who you thought you couldn't love again you will find yourself loving. You will find yourself forgiving. I am for you baby.
When you are ready, I will gently remind you that I will strip you of everything but myself. Because I know it will bring us closer when the things between us are gone. Its going to be okay. I won't leave you with holes, I will fill them with myself. They were meant for me all along. I love you so much. I love everything about you. I'm proud of you little one. You are so much more than I know you ever imagined you could be. You are bringing glory to my Son. You matter immensely to me and to my kingdom. I've hemmed you in.

-Abba

Lose your life

I was thinking about inner city restoration and how often Satan tempts me to take this thing, that is so good, and make it an idol so I think that inner city restoration is the end I am aiming for. Another example is that I spent the whole weekend learning about the achievement gap and immediately I get so excited and want to see the gap become smaller and I think about mentorship and engaging park scholars and pairing them with inner city families and how if we can get kids graduate they can break out of the cycle of poverty. Don't get me wrong, this is huge. And beyond being huge, it is God's will and the desire of his heart for people to be self sustaining and to worship him with their work. But if I take Christ out of the picture, I lose sight of the only goal there is. Which is people knowing Him. 

We cannot forget that we are not home here and that we are only staying for a little while. In our lives, we don't reach the ultimate destination. An illustration:

Our lives on earth are sort of like a plane ride. Obviously, on a plane ride you want to be as comfortable as possible. Its much better to have some snacks, good conversation, sleep, whatever. But regardless of how comfortable you are, you're not staying on that plane for more than a few hours. So while it may seem important now to have the air conditioning working, whether or not it does is sort of irrelevant in the scheme of things because there is a destination in the near future. In fact, it may be more dangerous to have a really great plane ride, because what it you don't want to get off the plane? What if you start to get really comfortable and you think that the plane is the best thing there is and you just want to stay? What if you are afraid of the uncertainty of the destination and begin to think that it would be much safer to not leave? Can you imagine? The flight lands, people are getting off, excited to see family and friends, to start their real journey, and someone is so busy decorating their seat and making it as nice as possible that they refuse to get off? 

We're not home and we are not going to be home until after we die. Real life starts after we die. We were always made to be with Jesus. Made for our lover. No one gets a plane ticket just for the plane ride. There is always a destination. And even if its somewhere we've never been, we have our ticket to remind us that this is not where we will end up. God knew a ticket wouldn't be enough. Thats why Jesus became a passenger and got on the plane. 

Jesus is such a good example (imagine that huh?) because he did amazing things.. he healed, he spoke, he told people how to live, he cast out demons, he changed lives but he always, always really only concerned with obedience to the father and his destination. And physical healing was a way to point to a deeper healing, a better hope, a way to engage in true faith. There is not one situation where Jesus does not bring the ultimate destination into the conversation with whoever he's with. Because whether or not someone is blind is an awful small thing compared to whether or not they are going to be with their abba for eternity. Same for us. Whether or not a family is poor DOES matter but the difference between rich and poor is really pretty miniscule. The advancement of our intelligence during our earthly life seems huge to us, but to someone as big as God, its almost negligible. 

God's put this in our hearts. There is that feeling I have gotten time after time, where I pushed for something and got it and was so happy but so quickly that feeling sets in deep in the soul where we don't want anyone to see..

that feeling that we thought it would be more satisfying than it is. 

Thank goodness for that feeling. The greatest tragedy would be to invest so much plane ride and be so satisfied that I forget all about the destination. 

Thats what can happen with inner city restoration becomes my goal. Best case scenario is that people do rise up, people go on to accomplish wonderful things, get great jobs, care for their families, and all of that is good. 

But its still the plane ride.

Yes we want people to have the best plane ride possible but compared to the magnitude of the destination its a great tragedy if people get so comfortable that they start to think the plane is all there is. 

Not to mention the fact that inner city restoration, caring for the poor, raising families, being married--all of it are God's ideas in the first place. So for me to think that I can do without him is just silly. I know what happens when I have beautiful vision and I try to carry out on my own and I think it belongs to me. It has the opposite effect. The person or the object or the mission either starts to control me or I start to manipulate and control it. Usually both. Healthiness for the sake of healthiness made me more unhealthy than I ever was before. Knowledge for the sake of knowledge immediately becomes competitive and I want everyone else to do worse than I am doing. When I have a mission, I want everyone to know, and how well I act depends immensely on who's watching. 

When we let go of our missions, our dreams, our relationships, everything here and only then can God get to work in fulfilling those missions, that were his all along, in and through us. 

Its either both or neither. We can give everything up for Jesus and everything will get thrown in along with Jesus, or we can cling to stuff here as hard as we can and we'll lose it anyways. 

the words I've known for so long and thought I understood are just beginning to take on life

Keep your life and you will lose it. 

Lose your life for my sake and you will find it. 

"I was so in love with God my heart was on fire."

Man, to live like that.
We have a God that is loving people back to Himself, and he is allowing us to be a part of that. If we're so in love with Jesus our heart is on fire, were going to fall in love with every person we encounter, because they're His beloved and we want to love everything our Lover loves. Not only that, He said He would come in to our inner beings and dwell in our hearts.

I urge you to ask and pray and wrestle with what has meaning for you. Really though. What holds the deepest meaning. What is your passion? What lights your heart on fire? What do you never want to stop doing? Who are you? What does your worth rest in?

I stumbled upon this man who's become my hero. I've thought about him I don't know how many times every day since my friend read to me about him. His name is Dominique. He was one of the Little Brothers of Jesus along with Brennan Manning who wrote this book called the signature of jesus. Dominique, when he was in his fifties and dying of cancer, went to live in a parisian slum where he worked all night at a factory and went to sit on a little bench at a park every day, when his shift got out at 8 am and be with the winos, misfits, and creepy old homeless guys who hung out there. Brennan says the word was enfleshed on his bones. He says that he told this rag tag group, when they asked him to tell them about his life, that God loves them tenderly and stubbornly and sent Jesus for guys just like themselves. He died alone, and the last entry written in his journal said...

All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life will be useful through my word and witness. If he wants it to, my life will bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifices. But the usefulness of my life is his concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that. 

Man.

Pretty darn beautiful. 

So for me, thats my life. The love of God. Not whether make a difference or change a girls life, not whether I write a book, not whether I become a church leader or a social worker or a world changer. Paul says that our first priority is to press into God and make ourselves at home in his heart, and let him make his home in ours so that we know how long and high and deep and wide his love is. Paul says that we resolve to know nothing but Christ. 

He's enough. 

Is there hope in anything else? Seek. Question. I beg you to fight to discover what you're hope is in. For me? There is nothing else. If you discover deep beauty and worth and satisfaction and meaning elsewhere, lets talk about it. I want to hear. I want to listen. I haven't. But don't take my word for it--because if you just go through the motions I'll never know but there will be a day where the entirety of your heart is laid before God. 

I used to get defensive, but the more sure you are something is true, the less threatened you feel by everything else. Which is why I love to listen and talk with whoever whenever about whats caught their heart on fire. 

For those who are following Christ, disciple someone. Every disciple is also a discipler. Nothing will push to Jesus and reveal to you your brokenness, the way pursuing just one person will. Don't worry about whether or you're "ready." You are. And where you are not, is where God comes in. And does what can not do. In fact, the less ready, the better because the more we can get out of the way with our agendas and let the Spirit move. 

I'll admit, its dangerous. Because you give up control. We have to say, I'll die to myself that this person may have life. Which will mean our agenda is no longer first. Which may mean that we have to share parts of our heart we'd rather keep cloaked in darkness. Or that we will be faced with sin in our lives that we're not ready to let go of, but we have to in order to disciple people with the same struggles. Brokenness is literally illuminated in discipling. I have found that  I don't want the girls I disciple to surpass me. I don't want them to be happier, or more mature, or more useful than I am. Oh, sin. The people I love most are the ones I am most likely to hate as well. The ones I am most able to crush and be crushed by. It also means we have to call sin sin. We have to love the Word of God more than the people we disciple and more than how they feel about us. 

Perhaps most of all, we want to be their Savior. We want the glory. We want to keep them for ourselves. Keep them dependent on us. They belong to Jesus. 

God reminds us

There is only one Redeemer.

 Thats me.

And it hits us all of a sudden that the people we are in relationship with, in community with, discipling and being discipled by are broken. Straight up awful. Awful to us at times. And then we realize that we're even worse. That we want to keep them from thriving. That we want them to tell us were good and valuable and necessary. That we want to be the Savior. 

So where does God come in. When he's faced with broken people being led by people who are even worse and its supposed to be his church, his representation on this earth. 

You have failed me, but I will remain faithful to you. 

In numbers, the people attacked moses for not leading them well and saying they wished he had left them alone in Egypt. Moses, in his exhaustion from personal attacks, acts as if he is their deliverer. God said he would provide water by when moses struck the rock, but moses tells them that he himself is providing the water. 

yet

When the rock was struck, water came out abundantly. 

abundant grace. 

people are awful, moses is worse, God is faithful. God said 

I will humble myself to deliver them from their own complaint where they undermine and criticize who I am. 

And the rock? The rock from which water poured abundantly? We see it again. Years and years later. When a man, who is not just man, is struck. The rock is struck by the people who need it desperately. Who were made by the rock. Who the rock came to save. 

The rock is Jesus. 

Grace is the abundance poured. 

(most of this last section is from Bryan Chapell who spoke on Numbers 20 and leadership at vintage today. the title and the very beginning came from Shane Claiborne and a prostitute who taught him lots about what Jesus does to a heart)