I have decided that lukewarm is the most dangerous thing to be. Which is why I am so impressed and honored by the people who refuse to be lukewarm, who choose to go on the much more difficult task of wrestling with Jesus to decide whether or not he is worth everything. I am so struck by my own temptation to be a chameleon and change in the circumstances I find myself in. The temptation is that you will be accepted and loved if you just take on whatever is convenient. Or maybe that sense of life ending all to soon makes me want to maximize each moment with whatever desire is strongest in that second. That I can worry about regretting it later, for right now I just want the most happiness I can get. No matter the consequences.
Side note: There is really loud pop-y music playing in the coffee shop I am in and I am half exasperated because it makes it so hard to be serious and talk about Jesus but then I thought of something a wise friend said. She asked why we always separate Jesus and fun. Like were always supposed to be solemn and even sad because of the burden of living in this world. But perhaps Jesus isn't that serious all the time. Maybe he was kind of a fun guy. He lived after all. He talked and laughed and maybe he danced and sang sometimes. Maybe he teased his disciples. And if we really look at the gospels there is quite a bit of humor in there. Like when he is sleeping during the storm and wakes up and calms it in a second. Maybe he was telling them that they needn't take everything so seriously all the time. Sometimes I have this sense of what time with Jesus is "supposed" to look like. Where I need to learn things and confess..preferably cry if its really good. But there is nothing pious about it. I am never going to be impressed or tell my friends great job when they let their husband take them on a date. For now, he's the only husband I have. There is nothing impressive about having 3 hours instead of 1 hour to spend with Jesus. That is simply a gift.
That being said, it hit me today that all of my anxiety and feeling of just existing fearful that there is no significance, or my heightening self condemnation will only be dissolved by time with Jesus. I can't wish or work it away; I cant be busy enough to avoid it.
The time I have spent with God has been the best time of my life. Hands down. Its the fullest life I know with nothing else coming remotely close. Any "high" from anything else...a great meal, vacation, work out, party, service, grade whatever, has a dip or a crash that reminds me its not what I am living for.
Though Jesus is certainly the greatest thing in the universe, he is also offensive. If you don't find Jesus offensive, you may not be looking at him very clearly. He says you can't have any of your life. You have to give the whole thing to him. Your friends, your family, your career, your money, your time, he says thats all mine. And then there is the whole thing about him not caring at all about what we do and how hard we work. Just like the older son was furious with the Father and the younger son, its really upsetting that all of our hard work isn't necessary to get into the kingdom. Or that thief that wastes his whole life and gets to be with Jesus in paradise. Didn't jesus know that he was scum? What about the terrible things he committed? That guy was filthy. And the rich man who followed every commandment? He was a good person wasn't he? And he got left behind. It flies in the face of every measurement we have of worth and success.
Its like, wait a second. You are trying to tell me Jesus, that you don't care how many people I help or how hard I work to get good grades and make my own money and take care of my health and give my time to noble, selfless causes? You don't care that I don't drink, smoke, gossip, waste my money, watch dumb tv shows, stay on facebook for hours? You don't care how many hours I spend with kids and with the homeless. You are going to let people who are totally selfish and only look out for their own interests or people that are creepy or off or gross into the kingdom of heaven if they just ask? Thats not how we do things here Jesus, we earn things. Have I not earned your affection? Im not like those bad people...
I wonder if maybe he tells us, just like he told people in person, don't come to me and look for approval for living selflessly. Don't come and say "look what I have given you from my life". "I have kept much less for myself than everyone around me."
If you want to keep your life, just keep it.
You will get frustrated if you are looking for approval and praise for the portion you are willing to give. Because I will lift up people that "did" way less than you did. Because none of that matters at all. Just like with the prodigal son, if you want to be with me, if you want to come home, I will run and embrace you. I will treasure you. I will pursue all the days of your life and gather you to me. You will be with me forever and you will forget all about yourself and you wont have that dull sense that you are slowly dying or that life has no meaning. You will not be insecure. I will not make you feel good about yourself or bad about yourself. I will make you see only me. You will lose yourself. You will be swallowed up in my love and remain there forever. But you will get swallowed up. You can't hold on to your life. Not even your favorite parts.
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