Treasured.

The biggest thing I have learned about myself recently is that I desperately, desperately need to be treasured. And also that I am absolutely terrified of not being treasured, so I intentionally act like I am not and that I am all alone because it makes the fear more bearable in some weird way. Self pity sucks more than anything because it is satisfying in its own way. Not gospel satisfaction, but human satisfaction. Another way to deal with this need to be treasured is by not treasuring other people. Usually internally, but often in subtly destructive ways. We look for ways to confirm our suspicions about people and we cling to who they once were instead of rejoicing in who they are now. And I find satisfaction in being with difficult or poor people not because I am really treasuring for them but because I am proud of myself for being with them. I have an unbelievable ability to make judgements and to hate people internally and it all stems straight from this huge need to be needed and important to people and this fear that I am not needed and I am not important.
All of a sudden I'm cloaked in darkness. Which is usually where busyness serves as a temporary fix. I can always tell when I'm really not in a good place because I don't want to be with Jesus. Because if I am taking comfort in self pity and darkness, Jesus is going to blow all that to pieces. And I'm afraid to let him. Im afraid to really love people. All people. Not just the easy ones to love. Gosh, temporary fixes are so dangerous. because they keep us away from jesus. I have mine down.
I think what I love about Jesus is that he only offers himself. He says that he will treasure me. Not that he will be a way to get other people to treasure me more, and he never tells me I just haven't tried hard enough or done the right thing.
With blogging Jesus would never say, "hey I can make you a better blogger and you'll get more followers and people will be impressed by your writing and you'll feel really satisfied and worthwhile."

He probably says something like,

forget the blog altogether. There is no satisfaction in blogging. I will satisfy you. The number of people who read and like what you post will never ever satisfy your thirst for me. He says, just be with me, and if you want to give me this little blog, this little expression of your love and your attempts to talk about me, and if you want to profess the gospel and that its best thing that ever happened to you and that you will never be the same, I will do more with your profession than you could ever ask or imagine or dream possible. But you're not even going to see what I am doing with it. And even if you did see, you would not be very excited because nothing on earth is ever going to be enough and is ever going to make you feel worthwhile deep inside where it really matters. I will delight in your words and your expression. And I will use it to advance my kingdom. You are invaluable to me and I treasure everything about you and everything that you offer me. Not because I have to or because I need you, but just because you're you and I made you and I made you well and I love you. So it doesn't matter at all who writes or what they say, I am the fullness of God and I have already said everything that ever needed to be said about God and I carried out the reconciliation of God and his people. But still, I delight in what you do, and work through it and call you my own. Not because of who you are or what you do but because of who I am. And I love you.