a letter I wrote my mom this morning (hopefully she doesn't mind that I'm posting it haha)

So, here is a letter I wrote to my mom. My mom is really really special. I've never met anyone like her before. Shes got a whole lot of wisdom. And she knows how to speak truth into my life. I didn't plan to post the letter on the blog but after I wrote it I felt that I should. Its candid since it was never meant to be blogged but only for her. Even though I try to never blog for an audience and just share my heart, you cant trick your mind ahaha. but, heres a little piece of my heart. Also, girls (and guys I guess too but you're just a huge mystery to me so i would probably never urge you to do anything), I urge you to really invest in relationships with your parents. Its something special God has created for us. And I have taken it for granted so much. But have a coffee date with your dad. Or go on a walk with your mom. Ask them about their lives. Tell them about yours. Their advice is always much better than I ever want to admit. Okay, thats enough of that. Heres the letter. 




Dear mom, 


what a nice email. Except it made me cry really hard. Which is a bit awkward since of course I am in Global Village. But thats okay, right? Lots of tears haha, crying is good you always told me. And breathing really deep. Because you remember you're alive right? 

Do you remember the story you used to tell me? When I would get so upset when things weren't fair. The one jesus told his guys, who also hated unfair things, about the farmers who worked all day and those who worked half a day and they all got paid the same thing in the end? That had to be my least favorite story ever. It just KILLED me that people who worked much less hard could get the same results. 

But as I was with Jesus last night, he gently reminded me that the only thing he promised me was himself. He did not promise me I would be "in" with any particular group or that he would make sure I didn't miss out on events I wanted to go to.  And really, thats not the desire of my heart. He is. And he knows that it hurts me when I am stripped of the things I want to find my worth in, but the sweetness of the depth of our relationship is far better. 

And as always, it is not the thing itself we get upset about, but the deeper thing going on. Which in this case was that sense of not making the cut. A sense that I so, so often experienced in high school. Which was Satan, not anyone else. Everyone loved me in Chesapeake. Really well. But Satan loved to hold on to me and tell me I wasn't good enough. I wasn't really "in." And there are places when we need to recognize that the body of Christ is being exclusive, but that is Jesus's business. He put me in charge of my heart, not anyone else's.  

Also that we do have to let go of that which Jesus does not have for us. I know that as beautiful as young life is, it is not the ministry God has called me to. And we're all left out sometimes, in some ways. I think of Jesus, who was rejected in his hometown. Who was betrayed and abandoned by the little band of guys he gave his life and his heart to. He knew they would do it. Jesus loved because God loved him, not because of the response of people here. I know I don't look like him yet, due to my attachment to lots of things here, but I think he is making me look more like him bit by bit. And one day, when we approach him, when we are finally home, I'll look just like him. And so will you. And all this pain and tears will be nothing but a memory, if even that, and we will stand in awe of our Love and our King and it will beautiful. Oh, how I look forward to that day. To eternity's shore...

Mom, I have been blessed beyond anything I ever dreamed of here. Jesus has poured out grace and love abundantly. And you are so so right. I bet a lot of people have not gotten to experience what I have here in Raleigh. So of course they would experience Jesus and community in different ways. And of course I should rejoice in the community and fellowship people enjoy regardless of whether or not I am part of it. And of course I would be here. 

Like you said, this weekend...with some students I cant believe how huge it was. How much I got talk about jesus and how he is the love of my life. How much I got to listen and to love them. And if I knew I had been missing out on something somewhere else that I wish I was a part of, what if my heart was embittered? And I wasn't fully present here in Raleigh and in Winston Salem? Jesus, in his infinite wisdom, was not going to let that happen. 

Of course it still hurts to miss out on stuff but thats okay. Life is messy. And what a deep, deep reminder to constantly look for ways to include people. Because we have some strange attraction to exclusivity. We feel better about ourselves when we are included in a special group. And I really think that is one way Satan has manipulated the church to keep us from doing what God made us to do. And I have to recognize that tendency in myself. It is there. And I have to give that part of my heart to Jesus, and say "love, transform that ugliness and replace it with yourself. Replace it with the scandalous love you poured onto the people everyone excluded and left out and avoided." Man, what I crazy beautiful savior we have.