Writing

I am beginning to wonder if the greatest day-to-day tension is that between whether to read or to write. That between whether to experience or record. Whether to be alone with my one Love or in community with one or more of his beloveds. I know that every day is just a dance with the Savior and that the answer to every one of those tensions is yes. Yes to the furious longing of God. I can’t help but think if I stopped debating all these peripheral things all the time and just ran towards the cross they would work themselves out. We were asked to talk about our goals on a school assignment and although I can halfheartedly list things off, my goals are dissolving and being replaced with the one goal of knowing Jesus. No other goal is accomplishable without knowing him. I would love to maybe to get to a place where I can delight in people the way he does, because I am still irritated but most and still living mostly as if I am my main concern. I still am sent soaring by others compliments and approval and crushed by the lack of it. I still write every blog post thinking about the audience. I try to get it out of my mind but I can’t erase the knowledge that someone will be reading it and I just know its got to be affecting my writing. I know that the blog belongs to Him and that He can and will do the impossible with my writing, which is touch hearts. Which is why hopefully every post is deeply rooted in the cross and the love of God manifested in Jesus. Everything else is losing its meaning. And yet, just as he promised, meaning is deeper. Though I seek the attention and affections of boys far less, I count marriage and the mysterious masterpiece God has made of a man and a woman knit together far more valuable and beautiful. As I need people less, I love them more. As I care less about grades, I learn more. As I realize I have very, very little to say, I write more. I know that all my actions cannot be stripped of the self-seeking in them because I am human. Only Jesus was focused solely on obedience to the Father. He does not demand that of us. He did it because he knew that whether he demanded it or not, we couldn’t. I think of his guys, peter, paul, james, john…the mistakes they made. The blunders. He used them in huge ways. He’ll do the same with us. Human limitations do not create barriers for the king of the universe. What a relief.  Being a great writer is such a silly, small goal. Giving every word I ever utter or scribble to him, and knowing that it was his already that he simply entrusted it to me, makes so much more sense.