Somehow, Jesus, I still can't even believe how good you are. The crazy paradox about you Lord is that when I finally stop clinging to and demanding things like really good bible study with the girls where lots of people come or relationships with kids at neighbor2neighbor or good conversations with my mom, you give them to me. You wanted it for me all along, but it is only when I let go of it for you that you can give all these things.
I just can't get over who you are. The idea that you want to be known by me. I always try to keep everyone from knowing me out of self defense and pride and you, the God of the universe, want to be known in fullness by us. Why do you want us to know you? How can you want to give us so much? And dwell in us? It goes against all of my knowledge.
You keep teaching me how to let go of my plans, reminding me of the priest who passed the man dying on the road. Perhaps he was reading his bible when he passed the man. Perhaps he was off to do ministry or give a sermon. Stopping for one guy was just far too mundane for someone as important to the kingdom as a priest, he maybe thought. But no one was too mundane for Jesus Christ. No one at all. Jesus saw the value in people because they are human beings. And he had no plan apart from your will, so he never dealt with the debate I always find myself in, where I make a plan that I don't really want anyone, you included, to mess up. Jesus, when you give me an opportunity to love someone, to listen well, to have a conversation about the most mundane thing, do not let me give that up for anything at all. Teach me how to look straight at you and ask you about every opportunity that comes my way and to always leave lots of room in my day for you to come in and do things I could never imagine. Teach me how to interact with people as you did while you were here, never distracted or on a time limit or demanding that the conversation be steered in this direction or that, but just to treasure them with everything I can muster and to truly see them as gifts, as indispensable to you and to me, and that you are blessing me by putting them in my life, not ever ever the other way around.
I am also just amazed at the way you burst through people. Last night, at our bible study for freshman girls, Amanda portrayed the gospel in a way that was so beautiful that it hurt. And it wasn't like she was trying to say something to tach them she was just saying that the gospel was the only thing she ever wanted to give anyone. Not because it was the right answer or she wanted them to hear it but just because she really really believes it. And girls came for the first time to bible study last night and they want to come back. And they said to me, I want more of this is my life. And we talked about dying to ourselves. We skipped straight to the tough stuff. That in itself is miraculous. And we begun to dive into our brokenness. Which takes courage. This is no small matter. This would not have been possible had you not run bible study. I am beginning to wonder what would happen if I trusted you more. How much you can do with one who comes after you with reckless abandon.
Because maybe what is most beautiful is that you do more in us than we could ever do. And that as I stumble along, having no idea what I'm doing, still self seeking, still insecure, still prideful, you work in my life. And delight in me. I am your Beloved and your desire is for me.
That doesn't make any sense at all. Last week, I told you that you're stupid to love me that much. I can't believe I called you stupid. I really didn't want to post that, I don't think it was my finest moment. But it just because I can't even comprehend why or how you love me how you do. Or the work that you're dong. When I see my moms unlimited capacity to forgive I just want to praise you. When I see you in my friends, in the words they say and their eyes and their dedication to bible study and willingness to die to self, I just want to cry because its more beautiful than anything else I have ever known. Man, Jesus, you really are crazy to enter into us, but I am so so glad. There is nothing that compares to this.
No comments:
Post a Comment