Reconciled

Dearest jesus,

You love me. That itself I have so much trouble grasping. How could you love one like me? One so anxious, so constantly busy, so afraid to trust and wanting to know you without being known by you? I act as if its okay if there are people who are hard for me to love and you pour the fullness of your affection on to me. Every moment. The moments when I am probably being really irritating. Or just a straight up jerk. Or pompous. Or when I delight in the failure of your beloveds. Or judge your creation and call it ugly. That is serious stuff. But yet when I look at you, and whether I am timid of ferocious or sweet or prideful or jealous or broken or angry or just numb, when I look at you and ask "reconcile me? your answer is immediately and convincingly and precisely

"Reconciled."

When I don't have it all together and when I am not going to have it all together for quite some time. I am beginning to see that sin is not necessarily lessening as I become more passionate about you. Its just looking differently. And yet you love me. Well. And densely. And fully. Your desire is for me and you call me yours. You have made yourself my husband just like you made Hosea marry the whore. And when she ran away, you said Hosea, you lay down all of your pride and all of your self righteousness and you go to the whorehouse where you have to see the other men who paid their pocket change for your love and she took it and she ran away from you, go there, the last place you ever want to go and get her. And we look at that and say where is the justice for the whore? She cannot just do that. But you say, I have made you my own and nothing can ever separate us. That means I am laying down my pride and my rights and status as God and coming after you, pursuing you as a human, dying as a human, because nothing will come between us. 

Like pastor tyler preached yesterday, this is not a pardon. You did not say that our despising of you and destruction of people and this earth and the terrifying brokenness of our own hearts is not really a big deal and we can all just forget about it. Its the biggest deal in the world. There is nothing more serious. And it demands a response. And Jesus is your response. The utterance of hope. He is the climax of the fate of humanity, the tipping point. He is where heaven meets earth in an unforeseen kiss. he is bigger than our goals, than our best efforts to save the world, than our ideals we so badly want to make real.

He is unchanging which is why your delight in us does not waver and fluctuate with how terrible we are acting.

Jesus, the people in my life...my love for everyone depends soo much on their love for me and their perception of me and how they look at me and the things they say and I know I have just got to let go of all that because that is not how you love and that is not how you called your disciples to love. You said to them, love just like I have loved you. And you said it is a new commandment because no one has ever ever been loved the way you loved your disciples. And you said to them, the world is going to know you are mine by the way you love one another. Which is a little bit disconcerting because I am pretty sure most of my relationships, where I think I have the right to be mad at people and be jealous of people and hold people to this standard of conduct do not let the world see that I am yours.

We have reached that point that we so often reach where I realize I am utterly incapable of the life you have called me to live. The point where you smile because I finally lift my hands up and say, okay, okay, you were right all along. I should just give it to you and listen to you and do my best not to get in they way of what you can make out of my little life. And I say, fine, maybe your will really is better than my will and maybe your love really is ten billion times deeper and more pure and holy than mine and your plans are far more wise and lovely than mine are.

Still, I know that I am trying to avoid that part of the relationship where you say "Give me All." Take from me what I am not willing to give. Humiliate me if necessary. I know the implications of those words may be bigger than I want, but I trust you. I know that you are for me. I know I am resisting you. Do what you want. I'll do my best to let you and not to keep running from you. I love you jesus. I cant get over the thought of looking at you and thinking that I've ruined all my chances at reconciliation and you looking at me your eyes brimming with love and intensity and assuredness and you saying, with all confidence that only one who has gone to calvary can have,

"Reconciled."