not perfect

How do we learn who Jesus is? Through people who display Christ to us. Who forgive us and teach us what redemption looks like. Through sleeping through coffee with a friend, after making them get up an hour early to meet you, because you asked them to, and then them not even being angry at all, and being willing to reschedule. Its a small thing, I guess, to sleep through coffee, but really its not. Its a reminder that I am not as put together as I think I am. That the lord calls us to do what we do well for him. not to do a million things. Why is it so much more subtle when I cancel on Christ than a human being? When I neglect to meet him as I said I would? Is it all that different than the denial of his own when he went to be crucified? And yet, I do it all the time, but am shocked and horrified when I neglect a date I made with another person. It is also a reminder of my dependence on God. My limitations as a human. My need of sleep. Of food. These needs keep me from forgetting my deeper need, my need of God. My inability to do anything without him. And as I write this, I look at the minutes pass and realize my time with Him which seem to have just began is again running short. On a time schedule. Put on the back burner for some other thing that in the scope things holds little value but that I committed to all the same. And I wonder why I keep myself running instead of running to my Savior. I wonder why I'd like to walk with other girls and lead them to Christ but leave him no time to lead me to his cross. Leave him no time to lead me through my own soul and to see the darkness lurking. And I know that I am taking the easy way out. The easy way of identity because I can find identity in a satisfying schedule instead of him. In service because I can serve lots instead of waiting to see how he wants me to serve. I can keep praying for people at a minimum. Deep relationships have walls naturally built in because if you are in relationship with enough people you can get away with keeping that relationship in a safe place, where you never get too close.
Lord,
You asked your disciples, Who do you say that I am? Can I ask you the same Jesus? Who do you say that I am? Why do I not ask you? Why do I not listen to what you have to say to me? Believe what the word says is true about me? It says

You are all together beautiful my darling. There is no flaw in you.

Do I really trust you? That what you say about me is true? that it is true enough to be satisfying? that you have life for me? And the full life does not come from sucking life out of everything I can find, you included, but through letting go of everything other than you?

My faith is small. I know not how to believe. I know not how to know you. How to pursue knowing you. How to surrender to you. How to see the sacrament and the holiness in the present moment and wait on you. And not move away immediately if I dont feel you moving. But wait and let your Spirit have its way with me. Don't let me use you to worship this golden idol of usefulness. Of purpose. Of significance. Your water is living and I am thirsty. You said to woman that she never has to be thirsty again.