Dear Jesus,
You made me to rest and to take time to delight in you and in this time where I need that most I say no thank you. Why am I running away from you love? Why do I mock the idea of rest and do everything but be with you? It is so evident in the state of my heart. Sin is so heavy, Jesus. But you promised that your yoke is easy and your burden is light. I'm so tired of judging people and delighting in their sinfulness. Its sickening. I am not worthy to go to Haiti. I am not worthy to be a disciple. But in my weakness you are made strong. And in my sin the cross matters far more. And in my inability to do anything, I know that I can lean into you and that will do your work in me. Even these words seem all wrong, Jesus. Surface-y and  not conveying your beauty at all. I'm just sad. My heart hurts. I see know reason for you to keep loving me.

yet

the steadfast love of the lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness.
The Lord is my portion, says my soul,
therefore I will hope in him.

Lamentations 3 22 and 23

And in Lamentations it says "it is good for a man that he bear the yoke of his youth. Let him sit alone in silence when he has laid it on him.

For the Lord will not cast off forever,
but, though he cause grief,
he will have compassion according to
his steadfast love;
for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the sons of men.

And these words I cling to as well as the lyrics that rhythmically rest in my soul, reminding me of where my hope comes from

Satan tempts me to despair
and tells me of the guilt within
upward I look and see him there, 
who made an end to all my sin. 
Because the sinless Savior died
my sinful soul is counted free 
For God the just is satisfied 
To look on Him 
and pardon me.