It has been like a two hour process to get to this page. Ive given up completely on email for the night I think. We have an awful lot of people here right now who all seem to need their computer and want to skype and so I have been waiting and waiting to even use a computer and then I finally do and the connection is literally the slowest thing I have ever encountered but as I write this I have a sense of such gratitude that I get to. Definitely not something I have ever appreciated before. I dont know what to say about today.  My heart is far heavier than usual but it was rich and deep and I think I am growing closer to Christ. That is the only measure of goodness there is. Closeness to christ. So though it is through my discomfort I grow closer thats okay. Better than okay. Im starting to feel like so much of my writing and speaking has been detatched from my heart and its been all these ideas and quotes and things I have been excited about instead of christ himself. Because I am finding that I am more and more often quite and less and less convinced I have so much to say. Im leading devotional tomorrow night and I really dont know what to do. And normally I would develop a well structured devotional with scripture and quotes and that sort of thing but now that just seems no different than how a professor would plan a lecture. This is jesus. He wants my heart. No matter what it takes. And as I get to know him more, Im at a loss for words. There arent words for him. And the more I realize I have nothing together so I dont feel that I am capable of speaking about him. Thank goodness I am only preaching christ crucified.
I am beginning the slow, beaten path of learning how to pray. I have no idea. But I know it involves listening, and that I have been so busy talking to myself for so long that I have left little room for god to speak. And Im learning that impressive, pretty words and sentences with religious jargon arent the prayer that I am capable of. I know that God loves our prayer because it is our crying out to him, but I dont love my prayer and I dont have a THIRST to pray and that points to the fact that maybe my prayer is more self and less God centered than I am aware of.
Im really starting to feel like what I want doesnt matter, only what he wants. When I ask myself when and if I will be back I just know its the wrong question because its not up to me. And as I have reached this place of really really not wanting to leave and feeling like I am so useful here, I am leaving. Because I have to have to have to be obedient to Him. And as Abby said to me, the biggest enemy of whats best it whats good. Whats best is following christ. It will, without question, mean doing stuff I dont want to do, loving people I dont want to love, waiting when I want to go. Not to create some gospel of suffering, where I try to do the opposite of anything I want to because Christ is honored in my delight and because my loves are straight from him. My love of Haiti and Haitians is his love not mine, just like everything of mine is really his-my family, my intellect, my money, my time, my gifts.
I havent even begun to talk about whats been going on. It truly was a glorious day. The high schoolers worked so hard carrying tons of rubble off of the roof to the fromt of the compound where we had this horrible pond because there is no drainage system and I just love love physical labor. And I am beginning to see that it is a gift from God, because no one else seems to love it nearly as much. And I think now that I have become aware that you can pray that God helps you to love and see people the way he does, he really does it. Its miraculous. We have an unlimited capacity to love.
Then we went to the orphanage which was when the day started to get hard. Because I really really love the kids at the orphanage. I cant stop thinking about them and praying for them. Especially the girl Niaka. Because when I first started coming she was totally unresponsive and just stared vacantly but everytime she is responds more and today as soon as she saw me her whole face lit up. And I know her now. I know the things that make her laugh and smile and how she likes when I blow air on her face and kisses and being held and shes learned to stand. But its so hard because all the babies can see you in the baby room and they all want to be help and I feel so bad just giving one attention. Its like I can never stay long enough. Every single time, the guys have to come get me because they are ready to go. Oh and there is this other boy sammy whose legs are messed up so he cant walk but he practically flys around on his little arms and he remembered me too and just the way he looks at me and likes to play with my hair, I just think its crazy to leave these kids. And I start to think, if my whole life was just committed to loving these two kids, it would be so so worthwhile. And I have to trust that they are Gods and that they are not mine. Because my heart is breaking. And I am getting attached. To everything. To the 6th graders at the school and to pouring into the teams that come and now as we do worship and devotional every night there is more community on the compound.
My heart also got really burdened talking to a couple of the long term girls and hearing about the "typical" college life that I tend to forget about and the fact that there are so so many college kids who party all the time and there isnt life in it. I just know there isnt. But I dont know what to do or say or whats even appealing about it. But there was one really lovely moment where one of the girls said I hope you dont think less of me because I do this stuff and I got to say that I would never ever think less of you and no one is better than you because of the things they do or dont do and I love you. And that moment was so worth the hardness of hearing about all that goes on in colleges. And then when I was so mad about the computer and just in this frustrated mood where nothing was what I felt like doing I went and sat with the high school girls and they asked me about why I came and stuff and it was so good to share with them for just a little while. Such a gift. And so its this mix of being harder and way better at the same time. Which I guess is the nature of going deep with people and with a place. Getting attached. But learning to be attached only to christ. Because thats when you can love people the best. When you dont depend on their response or affirmation. Youre free to joyfully pour in all that you have without feeling like youre entitled to anything or should be given reward for your effort. The reward is Christ. I think the biggest thing I want to say to Jesus is

You are enough.

And that was hard to say driving away from the orphanage. I cant imagine how tough it will be when I am at the airport. That is hard when I just want to talk to my family. Its rarely easy. But Im learning. Im learning that to really MEAN what I say to jesus is better than saying tons of stuff. So Ive stripped all that I say to as few phrases as possible. I love it so far. Alright I guess thats enough writing for tonight.