last night

I fly out of haiti tomorrow, for california. 5 weeks. Coming to an end. Its hard to grasp the fact that haiti was not really a part of my life until 5 weeks ago. Never again will it not be a part of my life, a partof me. Im leaving some of my heart here in haiti. I dont really feel sad at this moment, more like numb. Or maybe just accepting. I think I am okay with it. Leaving. Mostly because, only because, I have done my best to get attached to christ, not haiti. But there are so many people here I will miss immensely. So many people I will never be able to adequetely express my gratitude for their mark on my life and my heart. So many kids I will not be able to stop thinking about and wondering about and praying about. I cant believe I havent written all week. Im glad I chose to be with people and be present, but I wonder if I will be able to capture it all. I guess I could start with today and move backwards. I went to the orphanage for the last time today. Got to see wilda, sammy, niaka though she was asleep the whole time and woodlin. A bunch of other kids too. I got my hair done, got to say goodbye to angie and ruth the american women who live there, and got to spend some time with the babies. I think because it was my last time I had trouble just being in the moment because I felt time was slipping so fast but it was so good just because I was terrified the plan would get messed up somehow and when the driver pulled up I felt such deep relief. Just to get to see their faces and play with the kids one more time was such a gift. All morning I got to help with the 6th grade retreat. I spent more time with the 6th grade girls than any other kids in the past 5 weeks, helping with their classes, learning creole and becoming friends because their english is so impressive so we can have general conversation. It started at 7 and it was just really good fellowship with them and a full morning. Also a huge gift because school ended wednesday for summer so its perfect that they are all still here through the end of my trip. We ate spagetti for breakfast, learned lessons about relying on God and accepting his invitation to a wonderful party, and did crafts. I got to take a group of them for crafts and it was mod podging bottles, basically my favorite pastime anyways let alone with a group of haitian 6th graders I adore so that was great.
Yesterday was also really beautiful. Tuesday, perhaps I should start with, was awful in a lot of ways. I went to repatriot in the morning and Chicowski, one of the kids I am closest to in haiti who has been working with me for 5 weeks, even though he is only 9.Okay Ill be honest were kind of in love. Not in a creepy way, but I just really like him. I know I shouldnt have favorites but helping out for 5 weeks?! and he is a stud. He can push wheelbarrows full of gravel, make mortar, do all sorts of labor. And he likes to whisper how much he loves you and that sort of thing. Anyways he came tuesday completely lifeless. Didnt want to talk work, interact. He just laid on the bench and finally told us he was sick, he hadnt eaten since saturday (this was mid day tuesday) wasnt really drinking, no one was home and he had gone to the hospital. It hit me so hard. I was struck with such a strong sense of needing to and feeling that my purpose for that day was to stay with him all afternoon so that he wasnt alone and someone was with him caring for him. Not with the right medicine or supplies but rather presence. Just presence. Thats what I want when I am sick. But the leader of the mission group said No. That the team was ready to leave and I needed to leave as well. and I was so angry because I thought, I am not a part of your mission team, I have been here for 5 weeks, I know and trust every worker here on the job site and I can fend for myself thank you very much. And we prayed for him and I just dissolved into tears. Prayer can do that. Especially for someone you love who is sick. I was so afraid he wasnt going to get better. I probably would have been more resistent to leaving but Cola, our haitian translator said not to stay. And I may never forget what he said. He said this is the situation here in Haiti. And in that moment I think I had the strongest sense of whats happening here and that its not okay. Maybe the orphanage also. Knowing every fact and statistic would not be as clear and poignant as seeing one nine year old sick. Its on a one on one basis that I can be broken for Haiti. That "poverty" begins to mean something real. That I begin to sense the urgency.
But I left. And the rest of the day just got worse. Because we came back and ended out not doing stuff all afternoon. But it was good because it struck me how I use doing stuff, really good stuff, to run away from the one who can see all the way through my heart.
Then on wednesday, we went back to the repatriot for my last day. Really bittersweet. When it got close to time for us to go, I got mark, an english speaking haitian to come with me and tell the work team I would be leaving and I just wanted to thank them for their smiles and warmth and for loving me well. These guys, I know each of their faces. Their work clothes. Their grins. Their voices. Even if its just a "Kristina!" (Thats what they call me,) or this thing we all do thats a combination of a high five and a hand shake...I dont really know how to explain it. But they said the sweetest things. They all listened and all said "Ah!" and how much they liked working with me and would miss me and that I should come back soon and that I encouraged them and it was straight beautiful. There arent really words. And the best moment though was when I saw a little guy in the distance carrying a green water bottle that looked an awful like the one I had given him yesterday to keep him hydrated. Sure enough, he had come back. (My biggest fear was that he wouldnt come and I wouldnt know if he was okay or not) and he was his normal self. Miraculous. It doesnt even make sense. Except that prayer is far more powerful than I give it credit. Because yesterday I felt like prayer wasnt enough. Prayer is the ONLY thing that is enough. It also let God gently remind me that all these haitian kids I love so much...he loves them more. and knows how to care for them. And will continue to after I leave Haiti. All the days of their lives. We got to shovel together and share water and take pictures, he loved my camera, and it was such a sweet ending.

Then that afternoon we went to the tent city which I was also very worried about not getting to because I told jeff that I would come back. And it was...This is the tent city. We drive up in our taptaps and there is literally a crowd of kids jumping and yelling at the entrance because we are here. And then in the midst of the chaos you lock eyes with the one you are hoping you will get to see and they are looking to and you cant believe you get to live this life. and its not just the kids. The adults too. The second you smile and say bonswa you recieve a grin twice as large and a como oye? (how are you?) It was extra special because I got my hair braided by this great mom and everyone I looked at was so excited. Thats been one of the coolest things for me is that one of my favorite things in the whole world is having people play with my hair. And there is nothing haitians love more than our hair. So its just this constant being loved on. Cared for. Smiled at. Encouraged. The team here has been so encouraging, Telling me how impressed they are with my insight, being appreciative, making sure I am doing well.

Full week. Bittersweet has to be the best word.I am so thankful for the way I was able to do all that I wanted to do and see everyone one more time. Like I said, Im leaving an awful lot of my heart here with haiti. and am taking haiti with me. Taking their radiant smiles and the way they worship and the phrases they say...I love it all. I hope I am a little bit haitian now. It would be an honor.

I dont really know how I have grown im my walk, but I know it has been a journey that cannot be summed in a sentence or that there is one thing I learned. And I know that this was life, not a mountaintop experience, not a camp high, but the grit and glory of day to day life with Christ. Life for christ.

When I think about jesus right now I think of Bonhoeffer's phrase, when christ calls a man he bids him come and die. I think that is one thing that has been sort of huge for these 5 weeks. Come and die. Every day. Die to yourself. Die to what you want to accomplish, die to needing things to go your way, die to loving just the people easy to love. I think another thing is that I was loved well in haiti. That God used it as a time to pour into me and reveal the depth of his love for me through the constant love of people here.

I guess thats what I have to say for my last night here in haiti. He gives and takes away. He gave this to me for five weeks, but he is taking it now. And thats okay. Because its his to take. I know if I hold on it will hurt me and everyone else. Open hands. And he takes away to make room to give something with a beauty we hadnt even considered.