From a letter I wrote to a great friend..

"The beautiful news in all this is that Christ is a healer. And God is my Father. The other good news is that he loves me when I am doing nothing for him, as the past few weeks have been-of course I am not doing "nothing" but not being in school, not having "ministry," not working or making money, just being home. 

I think my fear right now is that I am just getting started, just beginning to peel the initial layers of healing and that I won't have the strength to carry through and I will fall back into the same struggles, the same behaviors, the same idols that I have not been freed from for as long as I can remember. I am afraid that I will go back to school and again fill my schedule and pour out and out and out and do more and more ministry and flee from healing, feeling, intimacy-all these things that I am just starting to look into. I know that this is the beginning of a long journey that I have started before and abandoned quickly. I am reminded of Christ's words-"the way is narrow and few take it."

Stillness, prayer, contemplation, accountability-they are so hard. So rarely practiced by anyone, even Christians. It is much more instant gratification to cover my struggles with serving and always, always focus on someone else. But I also think back to my first semester of college, where I spent so much time with the Lord. I had a lot of deep genuine joy that semester-the most I have ever had. I don't have to be discouraged because I know Jesus Christ and all that I cannot do he has already done and the work that HE has begun in me HE will carry to completion. So, my discouragement is rooted in truth because I CANT do it. I cant heal myself. I can't muster the courage to feel normally, or to rewire my brain so that the feelings that arise can travel safely to the logical side of my brain instead of being immediately dismissed or buried or avoided. But He can! He made my brain. Of course he can heal it. He made my soul, and he can heal it. 

He has already done the impossible with me-taken a sinner who hated and rejected him and chose myself and my independence over Him and given me a HUGE passion and love for him and a deep, intimate relationship with Him that so few have. He has already worked the greatest miracle-bringing me from spiritual death to life, revealing my sinfulness, making me a new creation-one where I no longer live but He lives in me. 

Its so crazy how even in the process of writing this letter he has given me hope when I started to walk down a path of despair about my brokenness."

Know that the lord has every intention to heal all the brokenness in you and in your life. It is God who has established us in Christ and has anointed us and who put his seal on us and given us his Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.