being known for Jesus

I'm wondering about the restlessness..

What it is and where it comes from. Why I am so resistant to the slow pace of life God is urging me towards. This anxiousness, this anticipation, this constant wishing and wondering about everything but today and right now...Is it just human? Do you know it as well? The desire to leave the present moment and move into the next one only to arrive and realize that it wasn't what I was anticipating. When I am impatient with people or with my classes or with anything really, there is no way I am going to patient with my time with Jesus. I am going to be looking for the fastest things to pull out of the Word and for the most important things to pray for and frustrated by my own, self incurred separation from him.

Dearest Jesus,

Slow me down. Remind me Lord, lovingly but firmly, that my schedule really isn't that important. That my value in the kingdom has nothing to do with what I am up to, that when I am too restless to be with you and to slow down my heart and my mind there is something serious going on. Your word is meant to be read slowly and deeply. My prayers are yours, too. Don't let it be an anxious monologue about my own and everyone else's struggles but let me savor it. Let me realize that a prayer with you is bigger than any other event I could possibly have going on.

It strikes deep to realize that my patience with the least of these is my patience with you. That the people who I have the least patience for represent how I really feel about you because they are yours and you are crazy about them. Obviously I can act like I have infinite patience and love for you but thats because I can take so much control over our relationship: when we spend time together, how that time looks, where I read in the Word...

Peter and the disciples of Acts had people added to their number daily. They were sought out and they were known for their deep desire to care for people, to listen, to heal, to bring them into community. What am I known for and what do I want to be known for? My success? My titles? Being athletic? Being social justice oriented or intelligent? My ability to multi-task?

I think about how I still (I cant believe I still do this) pride myself in my busyness and service and my engagement in the community. And I think about how my suite mates will see me and say "I don't think I've seen you all week" and there is something in me that finds satisfaction in that. What a tragedy. What if they saw me as someone who loved them deeply and cared more for them and their lives then I do for my own agenda and who invited them into deep community and a more satisfying way of life. Or as one who had an unnatural amount of love for them. Or someone who they could genuinely share their heart with?

Lets be known for our patience. For our listening. For our love.

 For Jesus and his life in us. Nothing else.