satisfaction

We aren't ever going to be fully satisfied. No matter how good our day is or what we accomplish or whether we get that thing we've been hoping and praying for. Yes it will bring joy. But to think anything in this life will bring the joy and satisfaction our hearts are longing for simply isn't true. So its okay to be sad for no reason. Its reason enough that we're not home yet. We're not going to be home till were with Him and till we have arrived on eternity's shore. So we don't have to hide that longing for deeper life. I so often feel enslaved by a need to be happy and to be in a time of spiritual growth and to be excited about my ministry and my classes and to feel like everything is fantastic. But its not and thats okay.

             Now the danger is to sink into this sadness or this sense of apathy that says "why bother? our inheritance in in heaven, anyways. our life is just a mist." But I have found that there is freedom and joy in the understanding that the fullness of joy is something we are waiting and hoping for, not something we have already experienced. I seriously need to just lighten up. When it is a gorgeous day, I shouldn't wallow in how hard it is to develop relationships with urban girls and think about my inability to accomplish anything. I should realize that in my weakness he is strong and his victory is already here and appreciate the rather huge things He is up to, such as orchestrating a lovely day. We are free to find joy when we stop obsessing over the significance of everything. I thought being so engaged in ministry would make me feel like I am doing more but it really just highlights how little I can and will do. That though, inherently highlights what God can do. And when I let that burden lift I can delight in the fact that a random girl just told me she liked my Toms. Or that I exchanged a smile with a girl who I am connected to by sitting near each other in a social work class and that somehow has created a bond that never would have existed otherwise. or see it as a huge gift when I come across a friend. 

            The tension we must manage lies in the paradox that we are most satisfied when we realize we aren't really supposed to be satisfied here, in this life, at all. When the pressure is gone for perfect relationships and ministries and college or work or parenting or high school experiences we can delight in the imperfection of these things because they weren't ever meant to be perfect anyways.