Break me, Jesus.

I finally had a night where there is far too much to put into writing. I feel like this is what John meant when he said that Jesus has done so much more but we just wrote what we could. Gosh, He is so good. I've really decided that the closest we'll get to eternity is sharing and discovering and falling in love with Jesus together. I would rather do that then be president or be world renowned, or get a nobel peace prize. the group of girls I get to live life with--I can't even believe it. that I would be surrounded with people so beautiful and precious and so able to point me to Jesus and seeing people get to know him may be even more beautiful then doing it myself. And when you see fruit...well first, when you stop doing things to see fruit and then you do actually see it I just think, "Seriously Jesus? You love me this much to make this life this beautiful? I can't even believe what you are doing..One of my closest girls whose spiritual depth AMAZES me said in response to why the church is not multiplying the way it did right after Jesus died that people stopped living for Jesus and for people. Its not that Jesus became less attractive, its that we look less like him. Its not that the good news has been heard and people are choosing to reject it as much as that its not being lived. Encounters with the love of Christ are transformative. Period. But if we are not brimming over with this love...its not being encountered. We talked about how we don't thirst for it. There are a lot of things I can't go very long without. Food. Water. But honestly: talking to my mom. exercise. sleep. Do I depend on the word that way? What if I was as faithful and passionate about prayer as I am about coffee in the morning. What if I couldn't live a day without it?

Prayer is not a hasty add-on but a joyous necessity.
(Jessie found that somewhere, I don't know where)

I got to share Libby and Ryder's story tonight. Its the gospel in action. Its impossible to not see Jesus soaking it.

So much sweet full delight in this life God has given us. And that are brokenness is forever less than his ability to mend. Mine is so deep. But not too deep for him. And when I confront it when I see it, it sucks. So badly. But it makes room for him to come in and to heal. Tonight an amazing girl shared with me that one of our young life girls wants to have lunch with her. Can I tell you the response my heart had? Jealousy. Seriously. My heart hated it. Hated that it wasn't me. But I cant just accept that and cling to that sin. I have to say Jesus, I don't want to give this to you because its ugly and dark and your brightness really hurts but I know this is serious. And by the end of bible study, I was so joyful about her lunch. I remembered that she is PART OF MY BODY. That any gain she has is a gain for me. And that I am here for a far greater kingdom. Not for MY role in that kingdom but the kingdom itself. There is no difference when any young life leader meets with any kid anywhere in the world than when I meet with a kid. Its one kingdom and one King that we are all fighting for. To have anger in my heart is literally no different than if right now I was angry that my eyes could see what I was typing. Or jealous my fingers got to type not my brain. Or happy when I stub my toe. That would be ridiculous. Its just as ridiculous to not love my body of Christ with my whole heart and rejoice and mourn with it.

Jesus, destroy every ounce of jealousy and anger and bitterness in me-it is damaging your body and my body because we just have one and thats beautiful. In fact, Jesus put to death every part of me I am keeping form you, every moment I hold on to, every thought I am hiding from you. Take it all captive. Replace it with yourself Even the good things. They are not really good. Because I am human, I am going to make them bad. I'll take you instead. Actually Jesus, everyday I'm probably going to demand my life back. Thank you for your patience and forgiveness. The transformation you have made and will make in my heart is nothing short of a miracle. Nothing short of bringing the dead to life. Give me the courage to speak boldly but more to love boldly because of what you have done and because I have no right to keep it from anyone. Don't let me get in the way of your Word which is spreading without me and in spite of me. Keep breaking me that I may be shared but so much more that you may be shared. I love you.