letting go

There is no situation for me to advance my own greatness. I don't have any. Jesus Christ is great. Greater than anything I have ever encountered. He does things that I did not think he was capable of. Thats the most freeing thing that I can cling to as a college student. College tells me to advance my own greatness. It says to do things to make me a better job applicant, to be able to get more awards and scholarships, to be known, to be talked about. The world tells me to seek friends and compete with them and be better than them. It says to find guys and make them need me. It says to be pretty and athletic and well spoken and well rounded and cultured. Its says find ministry that is daring and impressive and find people to minister to that will enhance my god-complex by the fact that they need me and therefore I am worthwhile. It says I have to make a difference and I should change the world and do the sort of things that will get me published and books written about me.
Jesus says that I am beautiful. That I have been called Beloved and called by name since before time began. He said he would rather die than live without me. He says that my little life is a chasing in the wind but his word is forever and the mountains will fall away before his love departs for me. He says my worth does not fluctuate based on my accomplishments, my plans, my grades, or the contacts I make, or the girls I pour into or the change that is or isn't occurring in south raleigh. He says I can cast everything onto him, that his burden is easy and his yoke is light. He says that he is the stream of living water, that I can come and drink and never be thirsty again. He says that how I use the 24 hours he gives me everyday doesn't really matter because they belong to him and he is simply letting me be a part of them and be a part of what he is doing with them.
Its just nice to know that this summer I don't have to do anything that anyone finds impressive. That I can be just like paul and say that this summer, and the rest of this semester, and my whole life, is just about knowing HIm. That all ministry is a loss compared to knowing Christ Jesus. That all knowledge, all theology even is a loss if it is not knowing Christ Jesus. He says that I have to die with him and then I will be raised with him. Dying with him means that I let go of my plans and my dreams and my clingings  and just be. And that I don't need to explain to anyone what I want to do with my life because every conversation and interaction is first and foremost to love the person I am interacting with and do everything I can to let my self seeking, self condemnation, and self elevation all be silenced so I can listen to Jesus who will lead me on how to carry them to Him. And also to allow myself to be carried to him. I can pour perfume on his feet without thinking about how it could have been used on the pour. James said don't show favoritism. I'm real big on favorites. Favorite places, favorite family members, favoring south raleigh over NC State, favoring raleigh over everywhere else, favoring international missions over home missions, favoring those whose approval I seek..
I'm becoming aware of this controlling nature that is easy to miss in college because the only person you are really caring for and living with is yourself. Jesus, show me how to surrender all this control to you. Every part of my life than I continue to control and refuse to surrender always ends up controlling me. Remind me all the time jesus that my life is no longer my own. That I gave it to you and that you will keep working on me and in me and saying that you called me to die to myself. Not just die to the things I am ready to be done with but die to the parts of my self I won't let go of. The parts I am used to. The parts that I think are good. Its all yours my Love. Take it when I don't have the strength to give it away to you.