You are God, I am not.

See now that I, even I, am he,

and there is no god beside me;

I kill and I make alive;

I wound and I heal;

and there is none that can deliver out of my hand.

In Dueteronomy. I dont know why its so calming. But it takes the pressure off, and the attention and the spotlight off of me. Whether or not I write, wherever I live, whatever I am doing, He is God and I am not. 

He is God and I am not. 

I am not self dependent. I do not rely on my power, my ability to pull myself out of guilt or pain or despair or anxiety. Only he. My work is not my own, it is his and he is working in me. I have nothing to fear. Christ has overcome the world. I couldn't stop him from what he wants to do if I tried. He told his guys, I am leaving to prepare a place for you. There are many rooms in my fathers house. And they said, we dont know how to get there. We dont know where youre going. We dont know the way. And he said I am the way. Service is not the way. Sacrafice is not the way. Pleasure is not, success is not, knowledge is not, money is not, fun is not. He is the way. The only way. Nothing you or I do will get us there. we must be carried. What does he demand?

"If you love me you will keep my commandments.""If anyone lovs me he will keep my word and we will come and make our home with him. At first I thought, I have so much to change before my soul is a place for God to dwell before I realized he already moved in. Into all that in there that should break his heart. All the adultorous thoughts against him. He moved in like it was a home waiting for him and set to work with care as if it is very own. Which it is. 

I had a sweet friend tell me the other day that he just didnt know if God even existed. I wish I could tell him that God is love. And God is dangerous and risky and unpredictable just like love. And will make you do things you wouldnt do otherwise just like love. And that if he is searching for meaning and life and beauty, which he is, which we all are, Gods the only place youre ever going to find it that grows deeper instead of wearing off. I wish I could say that you come as you are. I wish I could say that its better, hes better than whatever else youre giving your heart to. I just want people to know. 

In first corinthians paul says to them: For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame. 

its a haunting statement. Especially considering his statement right before...I protest brothers, by my pride in you, which I have in jesus Christ our lord, I die every day! Is it worth that? It is. How was convinced.  My soul recognized God and realized everything else, only provides temporary limited joy. Satisfaction. This whole little world is limited. Its days are numbered, as are ours. And yet, the search continues here. I think the soul keeps searching til its gets to God. Til all the other options run out on it. Til its left alone, with nothing but God to choose from. There are the circumstances we choose him in, yet his delight shines down on us. 

Paul also says, right after, what you sow does not come to life until it dies. God does the rest. Thats why were called to be obedient daily. 

My mind tends to run and run and run. Especially at night. And somehow I fall under the illusion that I can "think things out." Im finding the danger in that strategy. Idolatry. Putting my heart and mind and soul into whatever subject or person is written all over my mind. I think the best option is to get out of it. Its been a hard night and I found a page of songs from Raleigh Worship in august, and I sung my way through them alone in my room. Or scripture. Getting lost in that. Just forgetting about myself. Thats the only way out.