not about me

This week, I have learned the beauty of the body of Christ. I have been loved so well this week. I've learned what it means to confess and be healed. I've learned that I depend on encouragement. I've learned that I can do nothing on my own. I've learned that I am really broken. And really unable to do anything for the Lord on my own will. Spiritual warfare is a really real thing. We are under attack. Our worth and our identity in Christ are going to be challenged in our walk with the Lord. I'm learning that inadequacy is a good thing if it means I depend on Christ. And also that it really is not about me. Because if it was about me, I think I would just give up. I am realizing that Christ is the best thing I could ever offer to anyone. That I really have nothing else to offer.

Okay here is the thing. Jesus is alive. Jesus is alive and its all about him. And I have struggled more this week than I have in a while. With my identity, my calling, all of that. Even with things like joy. Its really hard for me not to just exude joy. I'm used to being super grounded in Christ. Super in love with life. And that is marvelous. That life in jesus truly is gorgeous. But it is okay that its not easy. Its okay that theis is a desert sort of week and next week might be one too. I minister from my brokenness, I read in In the Name of Jesus. I am broken to remind me and everyone else that we are all serving jesus christ. And so that I can be with the broken and not be above them in any way. And that is what jesus did. Became broken so that he was one with us. I was so discouraged and then I saw across the coffee shop a man meeting a college student from my church and I know that there meeting is about jesus. And that all over Raleigh right now, all over the world, jesus is doing work. Redeeming his people to himself. And I dont know how I fit into that work but my identity is not in how I fit into the work that Christ is doing but in Christ. My identity is in Christ. I have been crucified with him and the life I now I live to him. And right now, that means that I write this little thing that says, I'm in a desert but jesus is still good. This little blog that says I have a friend named Ansilta who is getting baptized this weekend and who is on fire for the lord and who, every single day is bringing jesus into the life of everyone she meets and making much of him. That her life sings to him. That is beautiful. And thats not all. I have a friend named Caroline who taught me what unconditional love means. Who retaught me the gospel this week. Who knows me and loves me the same. And there is a pastor in Haiti right now who is proclaiming the word to his people. And a man named james who started a bible study in a tent city. And an orphan named Niaka who is alive and who I love. Who I love every single day. And an orphanage thats taking care of her. And we had a bible study last night, just a little group of girls crowded into a dorm room and we talked about our hearts. And new girls came. And I have a mom who just wrote to me and said shes going to start a group for moms whose kids went to college. And a friend who just told me all that the lord was doing in his life and teaching him and that God is calling him to be an engineer and proclaim jesus in that. And there is a homeless man downtown named samuel who is probably telling someone about jesus because he just told me about jesus last week. And a family that my friend Jacob told me about that adopts kids who are mentally handicapped and have like 7 kids. And are full time parents. And the more I think about the  more I realize it doesn't have to be about me. The more I realize that its okay if I am in  desert faith wise because jesus is. alive. So alive. here. In this coffee shop, in this city, all the time. And thats enough.

Of course I am inadequate. Of course I do not deserve to do anything for the kingdom of Christ. But God has chosen us. "But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen. Thus says the lord God who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you,  Fear not my servant whom I have chosen, For I will pour water on the thirsty land and streams on the dry ground I will pour my spirit upon your offspring and my blessing on your descendants. They will say I am the Lord's." Isaiah 44


And its great because jesus is like, look Krystal, you really need to stop thinking about your self because I have already made you my won and there is nothing you can do about that. Because it was my choice and I brought it about already. Its done. You cannot remove that. I've read before that self condemnation is just as self centered as pride because we act like we are broken beyond repair, and Jesus is like, you really are thinking too highly of yourself if you think that your brokenness is un-reedemable. Watch me. You will have never seen a greater work than this.

This is the little prayer conversation I wrote in my journal reflecting on Isaiah.
I have nothing to offer you Lord.
You have yourself. I demand nothing more, nothing less than all of you.
I'm not worthy to serve you.
I will pour my Spirit upon your offering. (Isaiah 44:3)
I don't know how to do anything.
Press on to know Christ crucified. (Philippians 3:9)
Thats it?
There is nothing more. 
Lord, I know I look for worth in what I do.
Beside me, there is no god. 
I worry I cant spend enough tons of time with you.
The word of the Lord stands forever.