So, I'm falling in love with Augustine and he writes by writing directly to the Lord. Which I do sometimes, but perhaps I should do more. Because I always have that little tug that says you haven't written in a while but then I think I have nothing to say to anyone. but there is always something to say to God. And I bet Augustine didn't think anyone wanted to hear what he had to say to God. But he's changing me. Not Augustine, but God, through the words Augustine wrote in his journal long ago because its that thing of being human that we all share. So he says something, and I think, yes. I know. Thats me too.
But first, a peculiar thing happened today. Which is that my 6-8:45 pm class was cancelled and I didn't know till I got there. And I had this sort of panicky sense of, now what am I going to do with these three hours. They had a purpose and that purpose has been stripped. But I started to think of all that I can do. And almost immediately the sense struck me that maybe God reserved these three hours for us. Like when you think you're going on a casual hang out and you realize you're at a nice restaurant and the reservation has already been made. But I thought...3 hours? thats a lot of time. I don't know about three hours just for God...and all these other thoughts came in...of people I could see if they were free and I passed someone running and thought about how I haven't ran in weeks and passed the library and all the reading I could get ahead on. Because 3 hours...gosh thats just long. I'm too busy for that. maybe God can have a piece of it...but the whole thing? And then I thought about all the stuff I give three hours to all the time. I was in class for 5 hours today. If a class assigns 3 hours of work, thats not even a question. There are few people who if they wanted three hours with me I wouldn't make it for them.
And say that God is the most important thing in my life. And act as if I am so busy that I just cant give him a lot of my time. And I wonder, is time a good way to measure what you love? Whats worthwhile to you?
Probably one of the best. How I spend my time shows what my heart is about. It really does.
Lord,
Your word is too much for me. I cannot grasp it. An hour and a half I have been sitting here, slowly becoming still. Slowly being ready to listen. Slowly reading of this Word of Yours. This Word that became flesh. You promised, long ago, to a man named Ezekiel that you will give the house of Israel a new heart. A new spirit. Your Spirit. Put Your Spirit within me. And that You will remove the heart of stone from my flesh and give me a heart of flesh. And then, I will be Yours and You will be mine. And so, Your Word, which was with You and was You, became flesh and dwelt among us. From His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. He made You known, You who have never been seen. He who is "in the bosom of the Father." He who came to us from Your bosom. To all who did receive Him, not just his own, He gave the right to become children of You. Crucial, because, the promise you made to Ezekiel was to Israel. THEY were to be Your people and You were to be their God. But now, all who receive this Word who mysteriously became flesh can be your children. We could not be more of your people than as your children. That changes our entire status. I cannot create a child the way I can create a painting or a toy or a statement. Jesus was not created by you. He was with you from the beginning and He is you. He was in the beginning with You. Even Adam and Eve did not have the relationship to you Jesus had. They were not Yours the way He is and was and always will be. So His taking on of flesh and as Augustine says,
His journey took Him first into the Virgin womb. There He took up the mortal flesh of human creation. He adopted mortal flesh so it might not be forever mortal. He embarked into life as a bridegroom into His marriage, knowing the joy of freedom that a great distance runner feels to launch out on the course. For He never slackened His pace. He ran on. His words and deeds clamored. His death and return to life roared. His descent from the Father and ascent back cheered. The Life cried out to us to return to Him.
(Confessions, pg 64)
was the moment and the fulfillment of the promise you made to Ezekiel but more than that. Every word you said was fulfilled in him. Every beautiful promise you made to us, that we get to be yours forever. And every terrible thing you promised,
You shall not be cleansed anymore till I have satisfied my fury upon you. I am the LORD. I have spoken, I will do it. I will not go back, I will not spare; I will not relent; according to your ways and your deeds you will be judged, declares the Lord GOD.
All in one man at one time, who was not man but actually Life. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. So later John says (1 John) "the life made manifest..the eternal life."And so it was not just restoration to Eden Christ brought about but something much, much more. In the catastrophic moment of our irrevocable separation you began a work that would far exceed what we were even in the perfection of the garden, that we would become one with you the way that Christ himself is one with you. And not at no cost. Costing you yourself. The one from your bosom. In the same way that a child is worth infinitely more to a parent then they count their own life worth. Take me instead, a parent would plead if the life of their child is threatened.
Your depth is so beyond me God. The longer I spend in the Word, the more I realize that I will never plunge to the bottom of any statement uttered in here. It is beyond all that I will ever be. And yet, you have made me one with you. I who am nothing like you. My ways are not Your ways. My thoughts are not Your thoughts.
But not only do You know me, Your wish is to be known by me. Not only am I Yours, but You are mine as well. We possess each other. That should not be. Not only did Christ lower himself to us, he lowered himself lower than us that we now share in all his glory. In his status with you. There is no longer any separation between us and you because we are brought up into him who is one with you.
I write these things Lord, but I know that they are so beyond me. I know very little, but I know that you are my Love and that you are for me. I know that we must be crucified with Christ, and then we can cease to live and he can live in us. But that we cannot both live at the same time. When he comes into us, we surrender fully to Him. All or nothing. You cant come out of crucifixion alive. Only Christ is alive once we have been crucified with him. I know, Lord, that though it is beautiful to dwell in the Word you have so sweetly poured out and given us, I can write all this and continue to live in sin and dwell in darkness. I can write and detach all these truths from my life. Don't let me Lord. Come in and take over, God. This heart that refuses to trust you belongs to you. Take it when I refuse to give it away. Don't let this be religious jargon Lord. Transform my heart of stone. Every single day Lord. Sustain me in you til the day I come to be with you.
I love you God.
(**pretty much everything here came directly from John 1, Ezekiel 36-38, 1 John 1, and Confessions of St. Augustine. None of it is mine at all, I was just soaking in words God wrote long ago. Its most beautiful as it appears in the bible, so I ask you, go there and dwell in it. Stay for awhile. Let him speak his truth into your soul. He will. He'll take you where you are and love you there. He's more crazy about you than you'll ever know.)
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