close

God, my desire to write is less than it used to be. I don't want any intimacy. Writing is intimate. It requires me to know my own heart. To let you know my heart. I know that if I keep you at arms length, I cannot have the blessings you have for me. I will not be able to hear and obey you. I'll learn about you, study you like an item under a microscope or historical figure or work of art, because studying is safe. If I study you, I 'll probably never know you. It scares me that I don't know what you want me to write about. It makes me afraid that I am further from you than I realize. But maybe I knew that already. Maybe where my heart has been and my actions are an indication.

God I know that I am like Martha, but I wonder, is Martha like me? Jesus, did she hide behind all that serving because it was her favorite way to please you without putting her heart out there? God did she need to be serving to be happy? What was she going after? what filled her?

Jesus I love you so much because you loved Martha just as much as you loved Mary. You loved Pilate as much as you loved the Samaritan woman. you love me. Even though I have my own, ver polished, very impressive way of not getting to close. Of not really needing you. Of pretending that no transparency in human relationships means tons of it with you when it is just the opposite.

Overcome my weak knees lord. Draw me into a closeness with you that shatters all the walls and all the service and all the scholarship and leadership and character and all those things I am seeking that I stamp your name upon, until I am seeking just you. Just you God. And know that I cant get you without huge awareness of my self. Which I have no desire for. You made me for intimacy. I cant escape that.

I cant do this on my own. Its been too long of keeping all out that I don't know how to let you in. You know me better than I do. Come in. Do whatever it takes. I give it all to you. You can do what I cannot.