finally finally back

Quick post. Home. 2 am. First time in 10 weeks. Long long time. Feeling…good? Not sure. Holding onto Christ. Uncertainty. Just about me I guess. Unanchored. Last time I was here I had just finished my freshman year of college. The best year of my life. The year I fell for Jesus. Not just church jesus or young life jesus but just him, the one who wants my life. And I found the only way I get my life at all is if I give it all to him. And I grew into who he made that first year, this first year. I was scared and alone and I made friends and I met families and I found a special church called Vintage 21 and met some homeless men and some inner city girls and some real wise college students and my life was changed. Then I came home. For 3 days. Terrified. Because I was heading to this scary place called Haiti. And I didn’t know what I was doing or why I was going because I still haven’t quite gotten the hang of discerning what God wants with my life and how to be obedient. But I went. And I got there and still didn’t know what I was doing or why I was there. But then beautiful things started happening. I fell in love with people. I learned the easiest creole you can learn and used everywhere. I got to do construction and see how Haitians worship and hang out with kids and build relationships and meet teams. And it got more and more beautiful. Then I found this orphanage and met the kids that I’ll never forget. And went to a tent city. And got to hang out with an amazing group of high schoolers and a group of l.a. adults real passionate about prayer and the lord and never ever wanted to leave. But I did. Trusting again that I was at least trying obedience. And flew to Los Angeles. And lived life with my grandparents. Experienced reverse culture shock. Missed Haiti. Loved them. Missed home. Missed Wyldlife camp. Prayed, but not nearly enough. Found out a little about places in LA that are changing whole lot of lives. Had some great conversations, and practiced resting. Then went to Sacramento and saw three gorgeous wonderful people, my stepmom, stepsister and half sister. And got to talk about God. It was miraculous. And unexpectedly got to spend some really awesome time with some homeless people and high school girls. Then went to the mountains. Reunited with my family and soaked in creation for 2 and a half more weeks. And now it’s the middle of the night and I am typing on my mac. One of my favorite favorite things to do. Oh how I missed this little laptop. No other computer felt right. And I’m not tired. I’m just…itching for jesus. More of Him. And nervous about the next few weeks. Moving back to school, seeing people I haven’t seen in forever, just being here in Chesapeake and what it will look like. But I am thankful that I am here and that I am typing and that God is here and that he is for me and that he is the one I am running after and with and being pursued by and even though nothing else seems constant he is the I AM and Jesus is clear. That he came to offer life and life to the full. And the more I surrender myself to him the more I get life to the full. He promises. And now, I suppose I must try to sleep. Not appealing but necessary. I feel I need to write all night. It feels good. I was made for this. This chasing after jesus thing that somehow intertwines a love for the Word and writing and high school girls and inner city and Haiti and nature and family and broken being made whole and hungry being filled and captives set free. It’s a beautiful thing. You were made for it too with all your passions and interests and loves and whatever stuff you are made of. Your made for the divine and he is going to use all of you. Yes he is asking for all of you. He takes it all. No I have not got how to give it all yet, but praise him he is patient and he is not finished wit me. And so we journey. Through 2 weeks in Chesapeake and 1 week in nags head and then, back to Raleigh North Carolina. Oh how I look forward to some stability. It’s been a long time without it. My own little pilgrimage. I’ve learned a lot, forgotten a lot, but have not forgotten the One who is faithful, the one who I am to obey and the one where all my strength and all my love comes from because I am empty of all that. I have seen nothing in myself I am able to rely upon. So I cast myself on Him whom I know has open arms. Whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light. Who intrigues and excites and challenges me. Who I am falling for. Come. Lord Jesus, come.